"I just can't believe it."

It's a phrase that I've repeated to myself, countless times throughout these last...11 months, 1 week, and 4 days.

• In the beginning I couldn't believe Fox13, 6:00pm breaking news. Quietly I said to myself, "Ben, that is not you. You are not leaving me. You're coming home to tell me what that loser did wrong."

(Little did I know, this would be the first of many seemingly one-sided conversations.)

• Nine days later I pretended a box was empty.

• Two weeks in, I couldn't believe I was packing his things, and leaving a place we called home.

• One month in, I couldn't believe I was still alive. I was so sure I'd die too... of a broken heart.

• Two months in, I couldn't believe what a bad relocation choice I had made.

• Six months in, I couldn't believe that people who I thought would be an unwavering fixture in my girls lives, are not.

• Seven months in, (and the day after our 6th wedding anniversary) I couldn't believe that trusting the wrong people could lead to so much irreversible damage.

• 10 months in, I couldn't believe he wasn't turning 31.

And right this moment, I just can't believe that October is here again.
I can't believe I will soon have survived a year without him here; especially THAT year.

BUT....

• I can believe my grief counselor, when she tells me how well I'm doing.
• I can believe how amazing it feels to resist that natural pull to be bitter. In so many ways, beauty compensates for the ugly.
• I can believe that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for; and potentially stronger than I have yet to realize. (And my intuition is pretty freakin' amazing. :))
• I can believe that Ben still plays an active roll in my life, and helps me in more ways than I can comprehend.
• I can believe that I am a good mother to the two sweetest little girls on the planet.

I can believe that I can do this.

(NOTE: The next post will be more light-hearted. Pinky promise!)

Stream of Consciousness: Sept

So, I'm sitting here, listening to the wind and Two Drops in The Ocean. It's definitely one of my favorites. Such a Ben & Ginny song. He'd totally add it to the list. I can't listen to it and not smile.
:)

It has been unusually warm lately, and I don't mind it. Winter always comes too soon. I just really love Autumn in New England. So far I've eaten 6 caramel apples.

Macouns are the best ever. I ate at least 4 of them today. It's so sad that their season only lasts 3 weeks. That is just not right. If I could get them all year, I wouldn't eat any other type of apple ever again.

I really need to get back into yoga. It's a constant nagging sensation. My goal for next month (starting tomorrow) is at least 30 minutes of yoga every single day. By November it should be a habit again.

Oh, and I can't believe Jocee wants a yoga mat! She actually asked for a pink one--for Christmas. Then she told me how Sophie will need a purple mat so that she doesn't try to use Jocee's. The things both of them say make me laugh! They deserve a separate post. :)

Now On The Wing is playing. Love it. But seriously, Lead Singer was just a little disappointing when Lizzie B. and I saw him. A shower...or a haircut...or a shave would have helped. I'm not picky, but those skinny jeans look better on me. Sorry, buddy.

That reminds me.... There's a lot to look forward to in October. Two concerts with Lizzie B., and some other stuff.

October 21 makes a year.

But I've feel like I've made a lot of progress over the last 11 months. So right now, I will focus on that...and be happy.

xo

Missing Springville

Even though the rational part of me knows I'm not entirely alone in my grief...

And the spiritual part of me knows Ben isn't there, there...

And those grounds' keepers will remove things almost as soon as they're placed...

Something about this gesture brings tears to my eyes, and a smile to my heart.

Happy Happy Birthday, Laura Dear!

Because I'm feeling soo grateful for my sister, on her 23rd birthday...

Dear Laura,
Thanks for being born 23 years ago, and sparing me from the horrors of being an only child. Maybe I should be thanking Mom for that one, but whatever.


Thank you for always getting me to try new foods. You make being vegetarian fun. But let's just agree to disagree on that whole spicy curry thing, okay??


Thank you for getting me to step out of my comfort zone. I always have fun.


Oh! And remember THOSE bangs???
Thank you so so much for growing them out! I know I had nothing to do with persuading you. And let's be honest; no one can. But thank you! That newish hair is more...you. :)

Thank you for always making fun of my clothes....
And then borrowing them....
And getting compliments on them.

Just so you know, I totally want to borrow this dress. Thanks!

Thank you for being such a...good influence on my girls. They adore you.

But most of all, thank you for always being you.
We may not ever see eye-to-eye, but that makes it fun.

Love you!!

Love,
Ginny

4 Months. 11 Months. Whatever.

11 months in, and I still feel this way...almost.

15 Feb 10

Bennys,

I'm starting to realize that this thing I feel isn't ever going to go away. I can't cry it away. I've tried and it does nothing. That numb feeling only lasts so long before more tears follow.

The thing is... I miss you in ways I didn't know anyone could miss anyone else. For the rest of this life I will miss you. I will always miss you, and love you just as much.

I am so terrified that I will forget the sound of your voice, what it feels like to be in your arms, or hold your hand. And you have the best laugh. I can't laugh as freely without it. Please don't let me forget.

And then I think of what our babies will miss, and my heart breaks again. And you're such a good daddy. I wish I could spare them, but I can't. I can't change what happened on that day. For the rest of this life we will miss you and wish you were here instead. I can't do this without you. I just cant!

But this life will go by fast, right? I'll see you soonish, right?? In the thick of this grief it feels endless. Please don't let me forget.

Love you always,
Ginnys

Over the last 11 months, I've written Ben countless letters. I don't write as much lately. How many times can you tell someone how much you love and miss them, before even you realize that you sound like a broken record?? And besides that, he already knows. I don't really have to tell him...as much.

After reviewing some of those letters, I realized something. Those feelings I expressed then, are felt just as deeply. And they always will be.

In the beginning, one of my best friends told me, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."
At the time, it was a bleak concept. But now, 11 months in, I understand what she meant.

I still miss Ben. I still love Ben. I still wish this wasn't our reality. And if I could change it, I would. But that initial shock that has lasted so long, is just now starting to lift. In exactly one month, I'll have completed a year. One gut wrenching hell of a year. One year full of numbing firsts.

But there is one difference now...
I can do this.
The 3 of us can do this.

(See you soonish, Bennys!)

Dirty Laundry

We had been married less than a month.

Ben mentioned that we needed more laundry baskets...

I remember sitting next to him on our bed, and laughing as he took a Sharpie and labeled one as mine. (Making things plural--with the wrong spelling & in the wrong context--was a deliberate trademark of his.)

And now I look at it and hold back tears, knowing that permanent marker is fading. It shouldn't matter. It's just a basket.

But I miss him... and every little quirk that made Ben, my Bennys.

Hot Pink Pumps

Sophie loves shoes.
She especially loves playing in mine.
Heals are her preference.

Every morning after her bath, she runs for my closet and goes straight for them! In fact, she has actually gotten more use out of my new pink pumps. They are her favorite.
She gets around in them quite well.

She is turning into such a girly little girl. I love it!

(Note: YES, I know I need a bed skirt! But they always seem to get in the way. Someday I'll get bitten by the interior decorating bug. But until then... Whatev! :))

Another peek in my head...

...at the grocery store, on a Friday.
Because I'm super glam.
;)


Celery is so refreshing. I'm going through a serious phase. Better stock up on that... And Romaine lettuce, too.

I really wish berries were in season all year. Raspberries and cherries are my favorite. I will miss them...

Oh! Just spotted caramel apples. So excited Fall is finally here!
And pumpkins! I wonder if the girls would have fun helping my carve them this year... I'll need some seeds, too. Love those.

That girl looks familiar...
Yep, went to high school with her.
If I approach her, she'd remember me.
But then there might be small talk, and a mini catch-up.
How could I lightly explain what happened, and avoid that reaction I always get??
Hmm....maybe next time...

.........

How about that healthy aisle....
Definitely need that hemp granola. It's the only thing Sophie really eats in the morning. (Note: Hemp sounds shady. It's not. Look it up.)

And some tea sounds really good.
Lemon Ginger would be fabulous!
I read something good about Milk Thistle. Maybe I'll try some.
Organic chocolate...won't make that mistake again!

K, now the rest of it....

Whoa. Dang.
Creepy guys near the potato chips.
Why am I even in this lame aisle!?? This is why I don't eat that crap.
They look haggard. How many drugs would one have to do in a lifetime before they start looking like that? [Shutter]
I'll just walk past them quickly. They won't even notice.

Ughh. They're looking at me.
And now they're saying something to me.
Smile and nod to whatever.
[Get away.]

.........

Oh, and there's that cute old man by the frozen foods!
I always see him here at this time...
And he always smiles sweetly at the girls. I bet he has grand kids.

He's what Ben would be in 50-60 years. Tall, and thinner; with an older version of khaki pants, polo shirt, glasses, and baseball hat.
Would Ben be bald too? Probably not as much...

Ben really would have made such a sweet old man. And we were looking forward to it. I wish he could have. Why did that guy get to grow old and Ben couldn't? He probably wasn't ever a pilot...

Ugh. Why do I ask myself those "why" questions!?
"What" questions would be better...
Like....
"Now, what?"
"What is my next step?"
"What do I want to be?"
"What am I about to become?"

I like those better. They're more proactive.

Ohh, I need almond milk!
Almond milk....really is cheaper at Walmart.
Walmart on a Friday...
[Cringe.]

When 'Thank You' doesn't feel like enough...

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know how to express the gratitude I feel. Tears well each time I have thought of this. For this situation, words are inadequate.

Thank you for loving Ben. Thank you for being such a good friend to Ben when he was here. Thank you for continuing to be that same friend.

Thank you for loving me, and our little family. Thank you for sparing me the expense. Thank you for affording me the time to get this done, when I could be clear-headed and emotionally ready.

Although my attempt is feeble, please know your generosity will not be forgotten. With all my heart, thank you.

Love,
Ginny

The back story:
In November I started feeling pressure (from Ben's side) to have a marker completed. I found this more than distressing. Denial was serving me well. The mere thought of seeing Ben's name in the ground was enough to elicit a panic attack.

How do you convey someone's life and love on a slab of granite??
How do you represent what they meant to those who love them?
Or the impact they left on everyone they knew?

A family friend who wishes to stay anonymous (to me especially), donated the money to have Ben's grave marker completed. They left it for me to do when I was ready.

In July, I was ready. Remember that Girls' Weekend with T. Thorpe?
The marker was finally set over his grave last week.

More thank yous'...
Thank you to T. Thorpe, for the moral support while I made the last decisions & the photos sent!
Thank you to Lizzie B, for more moral support & the leg work it took to have everything finalized.

'Thank you' really isn't enough.
I'm a lucky girl.

Come Back Down

Have I ever mentioned how freakishly tone-deaf I am??

It's a bit repulsive... But Ben never seemed to mind. In fact, he found this flaw endearing. Maybe it's because he was almost equally as off key as I always was.

At any rate, it was refreshing. Those musically inclined Utards can get exhausting. But I digress....



One night (back in 2005) I was in the bedroom with the laptop listening to this song, while I did homework (Ha! back when I thought public heath was a good career option!). Ben was in the office tying flies. I was wearing earphones....

When I looked up I saw him smiling in the doorway, trying to stifle laughter.

He had a priceless expression of complete adoration.

I asked what I had done to make him so happy. He told me I had been singing along to the music for at least 10 minutes, and it was the cutest thing he had ever heard. (Although I highly doubt that.) I didn't realize I had been singing.

I remember him saying, "Oh Ginnys! That was the cutest thing ever! I have to give you the hugest hug for that!"

And so I hope for 2 things....
1. My memory of that moment never fades.
2. He still looks at me like he did then, when I'm singing in that same tone-deaf way.

My Little Monkey

Yesterday was just one of those days...

I love Buggy!

Stream of Consciousness: Aug

I've found a renewed appreciation for August this year. Ben was born in this month, and I'm eternally grateful for that. It has been full of enlightening, intuitive experiences. Too many and too personal to blog about, but fulfilling and amazing nonetheless.

So this morning several people informed me that today is national "I Love You" day. 8/31...8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning...I love you. How darling is that?! I know it's not official, but I adore it. It makes me wish I knew this while Ben was still here. I would have done something to celebrate it. We didn't like the mainstream cheesiness of Valentine's Day. Ben would have went along with me, for sure.

I saw a huge spider today..inside! Killed it, dead. Actually it was a team effort. Yays for my Dyson, and my mom for lugging it upstairs. I totally pressed the power button. But I have killed many spiders allll by myself. I'm sure I make Ben proud. Or at the very least, he's just happy that I don't shriek like a priss about them anymore.

Speaking of bugs... I was working on a cute friend's blog. Can you believe she wants me to help set it up (like I know what I'm doing?)?? Love her! I was looking for dragonfly images, since she loves them. I came across this one (found here)...

At first I couldn't decide if it was cute or gross.
I've concluded that it's mostly cute. :)

I saw a quote the other day that I know he would have liked. No. Correction. I saw a quote that I know he likes.
"I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy." -Rabindranath Tagore

Ben knew this all too well. He wore himself out in service to others. He gave of himself quietly, and without question or expectation. And now as people remember him, this is what sticks out clearest in their minds. No one has doubted how much he loves them. In this respect, I want to be like more like him.

To this point, this entire experience has changed my perspective tremendously. It has given me a level of empathy that I may not have understood as deeply otherwise. If I can someday emerge as something better than before, then none of these tears will have been wasted. Maybe that will be my silver lining....

I love Ben.
That is all.

Wait. Where am I?

You know you've left Utah, and entered Massachusetts when...

• After leaving for the grocery store, you feel super annoyed that you only had time to put on some tinted moisturizer and mascara. Then when you get there, you're more dressed up than half of the other moms who literally just rolled out of bed.

• Health food stores are far and few between.
  

• You spot girls walking around in frumpy clothes, carrying designer handbags. Coach does not save the outfit. Sorry.

• You wonder why people don't abbreviate or substitute swear words anymore. Oh wait, they never did...

• You wonder why there are reports of great whites when you're landlocked. Oh, that's right. You're not. (Okay, so that's more one my trademark blonde moments, but whatever.)

• You totally forgot you can get fresh seafood here. But being vegan makes it a moot point.
  

• You wonder when drivers got soo inconsiderate and aggressive. Oh wait, they always have been!

• You've replaced "wicked" with words like "super" and "way." I wonder when that word will organically find it's way back into my vocabulary...

The last 10 months, 1 week & 2 days have been the most disorienting that I've ever experienced. I find it laughable at how odd of an adjustment it has been. For now, I blame widow brain.

Or maybe I've been away from MA too long. But 9 years isn't that long. Is it?? And yet, so much happened to me in those 9 years.
It feels so foreign. But my whole life still feels foreign.

I suppose part of me thought that most things would just fall into place. I thought my new normal would be easier to find. I thought I'd feel half better at the 6 month mark. I don't really know what I expected for the 1 year mark, but it's coming up too quickly. I'm no where near where I wanted to be.

The First Two Years

My parents met in Salt Lake City... She was from Thousand Oaks, California (attending LDS Business College), and he was from Sharon, Massachusetts (working for a friend's coin selling business). They met at their singles ward. Pretty cliche.

Every time they go to Salt Lake, nostalgia overtakes them. I remember when my dad took me out to Idaho for the first time. We spent a day in SLC. It seemed so important to him to show me everything he could. He showed me their first apartment building, the mall Mom shopped at, Crown Burger, Ensign Peek.... At the time I was annoyed. Why was he so enthusiastic about a place they spent only 3 years at??

Years later when my parents came out to visit us, I teased my dad about their usual site-seeing. His response always stuck with me. "Ginny, this is where we started out. Who knows? Maybe one day you and Ben will look back on your time here in Utah, and feel the way we do."

At the time I disagreed completely. We were living in a small two-bedroom apartment in Orem. I was working at an awful call center while Ben was trying to finish flight school. We had future hopes of Oregon (him) or Northern California (me). In my mind there would be nothing to miss. Our future was bright and full of promise.


And now, four years later, Dad was right.

I miss that little apartment.
(turquoise carpeting, drafty widows, loud upstairs neighbors, and all)
I miss running mundane errands together.
I miss him surprising me with lunch at work.
I miss cuddling on our couches when they were new.
I miss coming home to unexpected peach roses or Gerber daisies.
I miss the way he would quote movies for days after we rented them.
I miss those days when we were soo tired that we fell asleep in bed by 8:00.

I miss all of it....the good, and the bad alike.
Because really, the sad wasn't that awful, and the happy was euphoric.

I'd give anything to go back to those years. Lately it's all I think about each night as I try to fall asleep. And yet, at that time I was so consumed with wanting more. I doubt I ever fully appreciated how sweet my life was.

I will never make this mistake again. I couldn't if I tried. That idealistic part of me that wanted everything perfect is now gone. It's a lesson learned the really really really hard way.

30+1

Ben turned 30 years old last year. In sorting through things, I came across the original letter I wrote him.

He later told me that this was the nicest thing that anyone had ever done for him.

Happy Birthday, Bennys!

In celebration of you turning 30, I wanted to give you a list of 30 things that I love about you. I'm certain that I don't express them all enough.

Here they are, in a random order...

1. Thank you for being so easy to talk to. The entirety of our long-distance relationship would not have worked otherwise. When Marci teased me about marrying you, I remember telling her that I wanted to marry someone who I could talk so easily to.
2. Thank you for your confidence. It was one of the first things I noticed when we met in person.
3. Thank you for always being chivalrous. When you open doors or pull out chairs they are gestures that never go unnoticed or unappreciated.
4. Thank you for being sentimental about the little things. It means so much to me.
5. Thank you for being family oriented and for putting us first.
6. Thank you for all of the sweet thoughtful things you surprise me with to remind me how much you care (IE getting me a copy of Breaking Dawn at 5:30 am, taking me to see Twilight and being so good about it--just 2 of countless examples).
7. Thank you for giving me 2 beautiful, healthy, perfect babies. And thank you for being such a good daddy to them!
8. Thank you for always looking for ways to spend time with Jocee.
9. Thank you for being my best friend.
10. Thank you for never being judgmental or critical of others. I have always admired that about you, and strive to be the same way.
11. Thank you for not being a gossip. It seems like so many people are too caught up in the lives of others. I love that you are mainly just concerned with our little family.
12. Thank you for being such an amazing pilot. I never have to worry about you flying. It's the perfect profession for you, and I hope you always love it.
13. Thank you for being so level-headed about politics.
14. Thank you for being such a guy's guy! It's adorable.
15. Thank you for being articulate.
16. Thank you for being such a good shopper. I love that you're always able to find what you want at a third of the normal price. I never have to worry when you buy a new toy because I know you shopped around, for months in some cases, before you made a decision.
17. Thank you for being so down to earth. I have always loved that about you. That little red car named, Chewy was actually a selling point. I knew that you didn't get caught up in appearances.
18. Thank you for making me feel safe. There's always a sense of complete security when I see you walk through the door.
19. Thank you for being innovative. I think it's amazing that you can think of something and find a way to make it yourself. I've seen you do this with a lot of your different gun parts, but I know you can do it with almost anything.
20. Thank you for abiding by the boy scouts' motto. You thought of establishing food storage and 72-hour kits first. I love that you always think ahead.
21. Thank you for being so smart, in every sense of the word.
22. Thank you for having such a hands-on personality. I have always loved that about you. I'm confident that you can learn how to create or do anything if you have to use your hands
23. Thank you for being such a people person. You have a way of putting people at ease.
24. Thank you for being such a chance taker. I admire your ability to make decisions quickly.
25. Thank you for giving up caffeine. It makes me really happy that you're doing something to improve your overall health. I want you to be around as long as possible.
26. Thank you for supporting me with going back to school.
27. Thank you for all the new experiences you've given me (IE fishing, hiking, camping, shooting). You have gotten me to do things I would never choose to do myself.
28. Thank you for having such a good sense of humor. And it's especially adorable when you try to get me to laugh.
29. Thank you for your laugh. You have the best laugh ever! I can't watch funny shows or movies unless you're with me. I've tried when you're away...and it's not the same.
30. And lastly, (but definitely not least) thank you for being soo adorably attractive! (Yes, I could think of dozens of other qualities. But this one is important, too!)

Happy Birthday, Lover! I wish we could be there to celebrate with you. My love for you has only grown over time. You possess so many other qualities that I could add to this list. I am so grateful that I get to have you as my best friend, and that our girls get to have you for their daddy. You're my favorite. I love you!!

All my love,
Baby Ginnys

And if I could add just one more item to this list....

31. Thank you for continually reminding me that your love for me (and faith in me) is pure, unwavering, and eternal. Oh, how I wish you could have turned 31 today. I keep reminding myself that this time without your physical presence will someday be remembered as a small moment. Through it all, I can only love you more. Thank you for being the very best part of my heart and soul. All my love.