I have learned that life is more bearable when my heart, mind, and eyes are open.
I have learned that there is no such thing as closure when you love someone. The relationship continues on, in the sweetest ways. Love does not diminish, or even remain the same. It can only grow throughout this life, and eternity thereafter.
This little girl loves the color pink, even more than I do. Whenever she is given the option, it is always her first choice. There can never be too much of it. She'd make everything pink if she could (and I mean, everything).
The conversation she had with my mom a few days ago is too cute to keep to myself. She keeps me laughing almost daily.
Jocee: "Omie, I went potty! It wasn't pink again. [disappointed] I pee yellow." Omie: "Everybody pees yellow." Jocee: "Okay. Can I make purple pee then?" Omie: "Purple pee? No, it's still gonna be yellow." Jocee: "Can you MAKE me purple pee?" Omie: [laughing] "No, I can't." Jocee: "Will you BUY purple pee for me??" Omie: "I don't think so." Jocee: [sincerely] "Mommy will."
She was so sincere and honest. I adore her innocence, and absolute faith in me. Someday she'll realize that I can't do everything. But for now, I'll cherish her simplicity and laugh at all the silly little moments.
Sometimes I laugh at how ADD my thoughts can be. My mind is nearly never quiet. Perhaps that's why blogging is so easy, and meditation is such a challenge. I haven't really meditated since March. I'm overdue! But I digress...
I thought it might be interesting to see where my mind wanders in a short amount of time.
Starting... NOW!
~ I'm so happy that I ate healthy today! I don't feel sick at all.
A steakhouse is no place for a vegan. Seriously. I went to Longhorn Steakhouse and the menu was gross. Who eats beanless chili?? None of it looked remotely healthy. We're in the middle of a massive recession, and they're still in business??
Oh, and I totally couldn't tell if that manager was boy or a girl. I concluded that she was mostly girl. Maybe.
I'll never cut my hair that short. I think it's at it's shortest now. I like wearing it curly again. I should take pictures with that new camera once I figure it out... But anyway, it probably won't get any shorter; unless I get super old. Oh...growing old now implies a long, long time without Ben... Ugh. New topic!!
That astrology website T. Thorpe showed me is super interesting. Ben was...no..IS such a Leo. He's so cute. I only love him more now.
I love my friends. In Ben's absence, I have been blessed with such amazing people in my life. I'm so looking forward to seeing two of these cute girls on Saturday. And even more excited for the girls' weekend in July with T. Thorpe! Hot rocks, facials, manis, pedis, PJs, Edwardo Cullen, laughing 'till we cry! Cannot wait! (16 DAYS!!) Oh, and that concert in August with Lizzie B! I just love them all!
A cute friend posted a youtube link on her FB. It was her aunt's gluten-free turkey meatball recipe. She said that they are to live for. I really like that. I'll start using it (and credit her for it, if asked).
Ever since October 21st, it has bothered me when people use death as an emphasis. I fight back cringing whenever I hear that someone is "dead serious" or something is "to die for" or if someone would "die for" someone else (IE children). While I appreciate the sentiment, my girls need me to live for them. Choosing to live is (more often than not) the more courageous choice.
Jocee is now singing along to a Tinkerbell song. I adore that sweet little voice. She has most of the words right. Something about "when you open your heart"...
Hmm...is my heart open?? This requires deeper, unblogged introspection... ~ So, there it is! A few minutes in my head. Maybe I'll do this monthly...
Ben nearly never remembered his dreams. I didn't understand it. And he didn't understand why I could remember mine more often.
In late August '06 we had recently discovered that Jocelyn was on her way. So fearful of another miscarriage, I insisted on not telling anyone until the doctor assured us that this baby was okay.
A week later Joe and Sara invited us over for dinner. Nate and Laura were there too. We played a board game that I was finally understanding.
Ben was tired. He quit the game early and went downstairs to their TV room. An hour later my strategy failed me, so I went to check on my cute husband.
He was laying on the couch with his eyes closed. I remember asking, "Bennies, are you asleep?"
He squinted his eyes, and outstretched his arms in my direction. I crossed the room and cuddled in next to him. We mumbled about how tired we were (and I'm certain I made mention of how sick I felt).
On the ride home, Ben was quiet. When I asked him why he told me. Ben: "Remember tonight when I was laying on the couch, and you came and laid next to me??" Ginny: "Yeah...so?" Ben: "I've dreamed that before." Ginny: "Oh, like deja vu. So weird when that happens..." Ben: "No. What's weird is that I had that dream years ago. I had that dream before I ever even met you. Everything was the same; the grey shirt you're wearing, the way you walked over to me, the way I held you... Ginny, I dreamed about you before I met you."
We made eye contact. Tears welled in my eyes. Immediately I blamed them on pregnancy hormones. He squeezed my hand and nothing more needed to be said.
I feel a lack of creativity as of late. With my 27th birthday soon approaching, I felt it fitting to list some of my favorite things...
(Note: Most people who keep up on the blog already know most. I half-heartedly apologize in advance ;))
1. Favorite People
Words can't express how much I love my eternal family of four.
2.Favorite (bestest) Friend:
He always has been, and he always will be. No Earthly circumstance or separation can change that.
3. Favorite (and only) sister:
By default, of course! She doesn't have much competition. Love you, Lau!
4.Favorite Girl to Call: I love this girl! I've known her for almost half my life. Whenever we get on the phone we could talk for hours, and laugh 'til we cry!
5.Favorite Jocee Quote:
Such a little princess. I love her girly imagination!
6.Favorite Quote: Because I strive to be this kind of person.
7.Favorite Band:
They've been my favorite for 10 years now. I don't have a favorite song (or album), but one that I've been listening to most is, "From Where You Are."
8.Favorite Stores:
Just because I'm turning 27, doesn't mean I have to dress like it...(or pay more than 20$ per article of clothing :)).
9.Favorite Perfume:
Or is it parfume? This scent is an instant mood booster, even if I may not have anyone to smell pretty for.
10.Favorite color:
Shocker, huh? Anyone who knows me knows I love the color pink. But not everyone knows my second favorite color is...
11.Favorite Shoes: With the above photos of heels, I feel it appropriate to mention that I nearly never wear them! I think I might have 3 pairs total (maybe 4?). But I do love flats. I wear them with everything.
12.Favorite Flower:
13.Favorite Hobby: If only I had the time! When I was pregnant with Jocee, I wanted to paint Gerbera Daisies on canvas for her room. Unfortunately working 50 hours a week while Ben finished school zapped whatever energy I had. I thought my time would free up when she got here. Ha! Someday I'll take it up again.
14.Favorite Animal: They're the cutest. I love everything about them; the patterns, long eyelashes, and they seem so graceful despite their odd proportions.
15.Favorite Decade: -the simplicity -the cleanliness -the style I love all of it! Oh, how I wish that I was born in the '20s, so that I could be experiencing the '40s at this point in my life...
16.Favorite State: I couldn't pick just one! I love how cute and quaint some of the little towns in Maine are. I love the desert and dry heat in Arizona. I love absolutely everything about California.
17. Dream Vacation Destination: I've always felt drawn here in a weird way, and someday I'll go for real.
18.Favorite Hair Product:
This stuff is amazing. It's the best I've ever used. Going back to normal shampoo is really sad after using this.
19.Favorite Holiday:
20.Favorite Indulgence:
21.Favorite Season: There's nothing like it. The colors are amazing. The crisp air is refreshing. The Macoun apples are in season. I'm so happy that my girls get to experience it all this year.
22. Favorite Workout: I get to de-stress and tone up at the same time. :)
23. Favorite Coping Strategy: This resource has proven invaluable for so many reasons and on so many levels.
24.Favorite Actress: I've only seen a handful of her movies, but I think she's adorable.
25.Favorite Movie: Such sweet memories. This movie will always hold a special place in my heart.
26.Favorite TV Show: Because I'm a total geek! I'm so interested in how the body works, and how I can improve mine. This guy's advice will likely have me living well into my 100s.
27. Dream Job: I have this awful quirk where I critique the writing of others. Anything I read, I edit in my head. I change wording to make it more concise and accurate. I fix punctuation. I get so peeved when people mix words up (IE there/their/they're or then/than). Why not get paid for it?
I'm so afraid of what this weak human mind of mine will forget. The thought is terrifying.
Yesterday as that man passed me in the store for a second time, (yes, I had to see him twice--and there's so much more to this story) I was able to note the differences. It brought a certain measure of comfort. He was definitely taller than Ben. He was younger than Ben too; Ben circa 2004.
I never got a good look at that shopper's eyes, but I knew Ben's were better. I remember the day (27 April 2003), the exact moment I fell in love with his perfect brown eyes.
When Ben found out that I'd be in Utah for a friend's wedding, he practically begged me to meet him at the airport so that we could go back to Orem and spend time together. On the ride back, it was obvious that he was trying to impress me. He was trying so hard to be funny, and clever. I saw right through it.
At one point he said something mildly ridiculous (I wish I could remember). I looked over at him... "What?! What are you talking about??" Ben: "Oh, you know me! I'm so full of crap that my eyes are brown!" Me: "How brown?" We made eye contact, and my mind was made for me. Love. ~ When I was pregnant with Jocelyn, I often mused over who she would look like. I remember telling Ben how much I hoped that at least one of our kids would get his eyes.
She was three months old when I saw it. He was holding her on the couch, watching TV. I came over and curled up next to him. They both looked at me, and I really saw it. Their eyes were the exact same color; deep chocolate brown. I was ecstatic. Since October I have found myself looking into Jocelyn's eyes, just to remind myself of Ben's.
One day I will look into his perfect eyes again, knowing that I never forgot. I cannot ever forget, and for that I am infinitely grateful.
Last night... (while on the phone with T. Thorpe) T: "This is totally random and off-subject... But isn't it so weird when you have two friends who look the same?" G: "Yeah. But it's pretty rare. Ben once saw his look-alike at some airport...in Vegas, I think. He said the guy looked just like him, but a little shorter." T: "How do you think you would react if you saw Ben's look-alike now?" G: "Oh, that'll never happen!" T: "You should really think about that, because at some point I'm sure it will."
Today I saw him...grocery shopping. I was making my way back over to the almond milk; I needed just one more half gallon. He was standing at a freezer retrieving some random food item. He was maybe 10 feet away when I stopped, unable to take another step.
The likenesses were bewildering.
Hair color (and cut)
Complexion
5-o-clock shadow
Glasses
Side profile
Mannerisms
Stance
Walk
Even his outfit reminded me of Ben; that same olive green button-down shirt and khaki cargo pants. It was all much too similar.
In a matter of seconds my mind flooded with incoherent thoughts. Not my Benny! Not my Benny! Ashes in the ground in Springville. Benny, I wish it were you. I wish you were here in that way. I'd run to you and jump in your arms, and you wouldn't let me go either...
I quickly turned down some random aisle like it was deliberate, and tried to look interested in whatever was before me. My mind was completely blank. I forgot why I was there, and what I was there for.
I counted the months since the plane crash, 7 & 1/2. If October 21st went differently, I wouldn't be shopping for almond milk, because I wouldn't know what it is. I wouldn't be vegan, because my stomach wouldn't be a chronic mess. I wouldn't be at this grocery store....3,000 miles away.
Those familiar, immature "Why?" questions resurfaced. I loath them; useless and unproductive. Even if I could get their answers, it wouldn't change anything. My reality remains the same.
I have days when I wake up and feel normal. I make a mental inventory of the things to get done. I feel confident that I can accomplish it all, hopeful for this day ahead. And then something simple happens, and I realize that I am not. This grief is ugly, and I have yet to fully conquer it. Whatever my new normal is, I haven't found it yet.
Does that mean that Ben is now only 3 years older than me, instead on 4?? My emotions are mixed.
The day will soon come when I realize that I have been here longer than he got to be. It is all so unjust.
Ben often expressed how excited he was to grow old with me. He wanted nothing more than to watch our girls grow up, and become a grandfather. When Jocee would play with her dolls Ben would always smile and talk about how lucky our grandbabies were going to be; to have such a good little mama.
I never once heard him complain or lament a birthday. He wanted to be here for the girls he loved most.
