Stream of Consciousness: Sept

So, I'm sitting here, listening to the wind and Two Drops in The Ocean. It's definitely one of my favorites. Such a Ben & Ginny song. He'd totally add it to the list. I can't listen to it and not smile.
:)

It has been unusually warm lately, and I don't mind it. Winter always comes too soon. I just really love Autumn in New England. So far I've eaten 6 caramel apples.

Macouns are the best ever. I ate at least 4 of them today. It's so sad that their season only lasts 3 weeks. That is just not right. If I could get them all year, I wouldn't eat any other type of apple ever again.

I really need to get back into yoga. It's a constant nagging sensation. My goal for next month (starting tomorrow) is at least 30 minutes of yoga every single day. By November it should be a habit again.

Oh, and I can't believe Jocee wants a yoga mat! She actually asked for a pink one--for Christmas. Then she told me how Sophie will need a purple mat so that she doesn't try to use Jocee's. The things both of them say make me laugh! They deserve a separate post. :)

Now On The Wing is playing. Love it. But seriously, Lead Singer was just a little disappointing when Lizzie B. and I saw him. A shower...or a haircut...or a shave would have helped. I'm not picky, but those skinny jeans look better on me. Sorry, buddy.

That reminds me.... There's a lot to look forward to in October. Two concerts with Lizzie B., and some other stuff.

October 21 makes a year.

But I've feel like I've made a lot of progress over the last 11 months. So right now, I will focus on that...and be happy.

xo

Missing Springville

Even though the rational part of me knows I'm not entirely alone in my grief...

And the spiritual part of me knows Ben isn't there, there...

And those grounds' keepers will remove things almost as soon as they're placed...

Something about this gesture brings tears to my eyes, and a smile to my heart.

Happy Happy Birthday, Laura Dear!

Because I'm feeling soo grateful for my sister, on her 23rd birthday...

Dear Laura,
Thanks for being born 23 years ago, and sparing me from the horrors of being an only child. Maybe I should be thanking Mom for that one, but whatever.


Thank you for always getting me to try new foods. You make being vegetarian fun. But let's just agree to disagree on that whole spicy curry thing, okay??


Thank you for getting me to step out of my comfort zone. I always have fun.


Oh! And remember THOSE bangs???
Thank you so so much for growing them out! I know I had nothing to do with persuading you. And let's be honest; no one can. But thank you! That newish hair is more...you. :)

Thank you for always making fun of my clothes....
And then borrowing them....
And getting compliments on them.

Just so you know, I totally want to borrow this dress. Thanks!

Thank you for being such a...good influence on my girls. They adore you.

But most of all, thank you for always being you.
We may not ever see eye-to-eye, but that makes it fun.

Love you!!

Love,
Ginny

4 Months. 11 Months. Whatever.

11 months in, and I still feel this way...almost.

15 Feb 10

Bennys,

I'm starting to realize that this thing I feel isn't ever going to go away. I can't cry it away. I've tried and it does nothing. That numb feeling only lasts so long before more tears follow.

The thing is... I miss you in ways I didn't know anyone could miss anyone else. For the rest of this life I will miss you. I will always miss you, and love you just as much.

I am so terrified that I will forget the sound of your voice, what it feels like to be in your arms, or hold your hand. And you have the best laugh. I can't laugh as freely without it. Please don't let me forget.

And then I think of what our babies will miss, and my heart breaks again. And you're such a good daddy. I wish I could spare them, but I can't. I can't change what happened on that day. For the rest of this life we will miss you and wish you were here instead. I can't do this without you. I just cant!

But this life will go by fast, right? I'll see you soonish, right?? In the thick of this grief it feels endless. Please don't let me forget.

Love you always,
Ginnys

Over the last 11 months, I've written Ben countless letters. I don't write as much lately. How many times can you tell someone how much you love and miss them, before even you realize that you sound like a broken record?? And besides that, he already knows. I don't really have to tell him...as much.

After reviewing some of those letters, I realized something. Those feelings I expressed then, are felt just as deeply. And they always will be.

In the beginning, one of my best friends told me, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."
At the time, it was a bleak concept. But now, 11 months in, I understand what she meant.

I still miss Ben. I still love Ben. I still wish this wasn't our reality. And if I could change it, I would. But that initial shock that has lasted so long, is just now starting to lift. In exactly one month, I'll have completed a year. One gut wrenching hell of a year. One year full of numbing firsts.

But there is one difference now...
I can do this.
The 3 of us can do this.

(See you soonish, Bennys!)

Dirty Laundry

We had been married less than a month.

Ben mentioned that we needed more laundry baskets...

I remember sitting next to him on our bed, and laughing as he took a Sharpie and labeled one as mine. (Making things plural--with the wrong spelling & in the wrong context--was a deliberate trademark of his.)

And now I look at it and hold back tears, knowing that permanent marker is fading. It shouldn't matter. It's just a basket.

But I miss him... and every little quirk that made Ben, my Bennys.

Hot Pink Pumps

Sophie loves shoes.
She especially loves playing in mine.
Heals are her preference.

Every morning after her bath, she runs for my closet and goes straight for them! In fact, she has actually gotten more use out of my new pink pumps. They are her favorite.
She gets around in them quite well.

She is turning into such a girly little girl. I love it!

(Note: YES, I know I need a bed skirt! But they always seem to get in the way. Someday I'll get bitten by the interior decorating bug. But until then... Whatev! :))

Another peek in my head...

...at the grocery store, on a Friday.
Because I'm super glam.
;)


Celery is so refreshing. I'm going through a serious phase. Better stock up on that... And Romaine lettuce, too.

I really wish berries were in season all year. Raspberries and cherries are my favorite. I will miss them...

Oh! Just spotted caramel apples. So excited Fall is finally here!
And pumpkins! I wonder if the girls would have fun helping my carve them this year... I'll need some seeds, too. Love those.

That girl looks familiar...
Yep, went to high school with her.
If I approach her, she'd remember me.
But then there might be small talk, and a mini catch-up.
How could I lightly explain what happened, and avoid that reaction I always get??
Hmm....maybe next time...

.........

How about that healthy aisle....
Definitely need that hemp granola. It's the only thing Sophie really eats in the morning. (Note: Hemp sounds shady. It's not. Look it up.)

And some tea sounds really good.
Lemon Ginger would be fabulous!
I read something good about Milk Thistle. Maybe I'll try some.
Organic chocolate...won't make that mistake again!

K, now the rest of it....

Whoa. Dang.
Creepy guys near the potato chips.
Why am I even in this lame aisle!?? This is why I don't eat that crap.
They look haggard. How many drugs would one have to do in a lifetime before they start looking like that? [Shutter]
I'll just walk past them quickly. They won't even notice.

Ughh. They're looking at me.
And now they're saying something to me.
Smile and nod to whatever.
[Get away.]

.........

Oh, and there's that cute old man by the frozen foods!
I always see him here at this time...
And he always smiles sweetly at the girls. I bet he has grand kids.

He's what Ben would be in 50-60 years. Tall, and thinner; with an older version of khaki pants, polo shirt, glasses, and baseball hat.
Would Ben be bald too? Probably not as much...

Ben really would have made such a sweet old man. And we were looking forward to it. I wish he could have. Why did that guy get to grow old and Ben couldn't? He probably wasn't ever a pilot...

Ugh. Why do I ask myself those "why" questions!?
"What" questions would be better...
Like....
"Now, what?"
"What is my next step?"
"What do I want to be?"
"What am I about to become?"

I like those better. They're more proactive.

Ohh, I need almond milk!
Almond milk....really is cheaper at Walmart.
Walmart on a Friday...
[Cringe.]

When 'Thank You' doesn't feel like enough...

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know how to express the gratitude I feel. Tears well each time I have thought of this. For this situation, words are inadequate.

Thank you for loving Ben. Thank you for being such a good friend to Ben when he was here. Thank you for continuing to be that same friend.

Thank you for loving me, and our little family. Thank you for sparing me the expense. Thank you for affording me the time to get this done, when I could be clear-headed and emotionally ready.

Although my attempt is feeble, please know your generosity will not be forgotten. With all my heart, thank you.

Love,
Ginny

The back story:
In November I started feeling pressure (from Ben's side) to have a marker completed. I found this more than distressing. Denial was serving me well. The mere thought of seeing Ben's name in the ground was enough to elicit a panic attack.

How do you convey someone's life and love on a slab of granite??
How do you represent what they meant to those who love them?
Or the impact they left on everyone they knew?

A family friend who wishes to stay anonymous (to me especially), donated the money to have Ben's grave marker completed. They left it for me to do when I was ready.

In July, I was ready. Remember that Girls' Weekend with T. Thorpe?
The marker was finally set over his grave last week.

More thank yous'...
Thank you to T. Thorpe, for the moral support while I made the last decisions & the photos sent!
Thank you to Lizzie B, for more moral support & the leg work it took to have everything finalized.

'Thank you' really isn't enough.
I'm a lucky girl.

Come Back Down

Have I ever mentioned how freakishly tone-deaf I am??

It's a bit repulsive... But Ben never seemed to mind. In fact, he found this flaw endearing. Maybe it's because he was almost equally as off key as I always was.

At any rate, it was refreshing. Those musically inclined Utards can get exhausting. But I digress....



One night (back in 2005) I was in the bedroom with the laptop listening to this song, while I did homework (Ha! back when I thought public heath was a good career option!). Ben was in the office tying flies. I was wearing earphones....

When I looked up I saw him smiling in the doorway, trying to stifle laughter.

He had a priceless expression of complete adoration.

I asked what I had done to make him so happy. He told me I had been singing along to the music for at least 10 minutes, and it was the cutest thing he had ever heard. (Although I highly doubt that.) I didn't realize I had been singing.

I remember him saying, "Oh Ginnys! That was the cutest thing ever! I have to give you the hugest hug for that!"

And so I hope for 2 things....
1. My memory of that moment never fades.
2. He still looks at me like he did then, when I'm singing in that same tone-deaf way.

My Little Monkey

Yesterday was just one of those days...

I love Buggy!