On My Mind

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that Ben is at the forefront on my thoughts, for the majority of any given day.

(How much the three of us love him, how sweet he is--even now, how grateful I am for the time we were given, and how I wish there were more of it, nostalgia for simpler times, etc...)
But I'm certain I've made that abundantly clear.

The following are some of the lighter things, that I choose to busy my mind with on an almost daily basis.


Yoga has always fascinated me.
I remember the first time I tried it. It was summer. I was 19, and going to school in Idaho. A friend who lived a few apartments down from me came over with a Yoga VHS, and asked if I wanted to try it. She was trying to get a group together.

That first attempt was such a mess! The instructor gave poses for beginner, intermediate, and advanced gurus. Seeking a challenge, I attempted all of the intermediate poses. I spent most of the time teetering, falling over, and laughing at myself! The breathing didn't come naturally either. I remember one girl saying, "Are we really supposed to breath that much?? That's crazy!"

But despite my blundering and awkward breathing, I loved it. I remember sitting on the floor when it was over, and feeling a peaceful clarity.

Since then, I've continued to practiced yoga. But I have yet to be consistent. It needs to become part of my daily routine. And one day, I may just conquer those advanced poses.

Coupled with yoga, I've also tried to meditate more. For me, the two are mutually exclusive. I cannot successfully clear my mind without at least twenty minutes of yoga first.

A good friend once told me, "Prayer is talking to God. Meditation is listening for the answer."
I couldn't agree more.
The time spent quieting my mind and listening, has proven invaluable. I am always left feeling divinely enlightened, and at peace with my current circumstances.



Lately I've been trying to eat healthier. I've even flirted with the idea of going vegetarian...again. For now that has remained a thought. Maybe someday, I'll give up meat completely (again). Maybe.

For now...
I want to eat foods that are in their purer forms.
I want to trade out cow's milk for almond milk...permanently.
I want foods that are rich in color, antioxidants, and nutrients.
I want food to be fuel for my body, instead of a mindless indulgence.

But at the same time...I also want a cookie.

I want balance.



The human energy field has always amazed me; everything about it.
There is so much that could be said.
My explanations would be inadequate.

It is something I know that I don't know very much about, and I want to understand more.



Normally I wouldn't give this a second thought. I've never bought into zodiac signs or horoscopes at all.

My curiosity was initially sparked after publishing my previous post. I wanted to know why I chose to identify with air. A good friend was equally intrigued and has been researching the different elements with me. We've had so much fun analyzing ourselves, and people we know!



Note: This was inspired by T. Thorpe and her cute post.

Something Mindless

I know I usually post more substantial things...

Since I was indirectly tagged, and I'm feeling a bit drained, I figured I'd go for it.

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Saturday.

If I were a time of day, I'd be 10:00 am.

If I were a direction, I'd be south west.

If I were a tree, I'd be a palm tree...somewhere warm & beachy.


If I were a tool, I'd be...too much like a guy...

If I were a flower I'd be a Gerber daisy.


If I were a musical instrument I'd be a piano.


If I were a color, I'd be pink!

(Is anyone surprised??)

If I were a fruit, I'd be a Macoun apple.


If I were an element, I'd be air!


If I were a food, I'd be vanilla almond milk.


If I were a place, I'd be India or New Zealand or Paris (France).


If I were a material, I'd be cashmere or silk or Chantilly lace or organza....


If I were a scent, I'd be Sensi.


If I were an object I'd be a yoga mat (one that should get used more often...).


If I were a song I'd be Hear You Me, by Jimmy.


ANNND...
In turn, I tag everyone who wants to :)
Seriously, it's fun to learn about people. So do it.
Thanks!

Long Distance

We were the exception to long distance relationships.

We lived over 300 miles apart from each other the entire time we dated, and were engaged.

On the phone Ben would often say,
"When we can finally be together, I know we'll never take each other for granted. I will always appreciate and cherish you, because I'll remember a time when I knew what it was like, to not have you with me."

No truer words were spoken.

Made With Love

It snowed today...
It snowed a lot.
And as I watched it fall, I thought of this...

Ben loved my cooking...99% of the time.
As for that other 1%...no one is perfect!
But regardless of the outcome, he always said that I made things with love.


I'm a bit of a chocolate addict.

Okay, okay...

I lied...

I'm a full-blown chocoholic.


As soon as the chill of autumn sets in, my affair with hot chocolate ensues. Whenever Ben was home on cold, snowy days (especially weekends), he would offer to make me some. He took the responsibility very seriously.

There's a specific hot chocolate, made by a coffee shop near my home growing up. That shop has since closed down, but I've always remembered it as the best I've ever had. Nothing else could compare.

Two years ago, Ben set out to recreate this hot chocolate for me. He tried so many varying concoctions. And just last year, after several failed attempts, he got it just right. It was exactly as I remembered it.
Perfection.

He would offer to make it for me often. And each time, he'd ask if I could "taste the love?"
And I could.


Thank you, Benny.
Thank you for showing your love for me, in simple but sweet ways.

Little Monkey

Sophie is turning into such a little monkey!
She keeps me laughing on a daily basis.
Her sense of humor is uniquely hers.

It's just so fun being her mommy!

I love you, Buggy!

How I Feel

...because no one seems to understand.

Most days I feel like an island.

I hate that I cannot find anyone who has gone through exactly what I am in the midst of. I look around and there is not a single soul that I can fully relate to. Most widows and widowers are in a much older age range. Those who are my age are far and few between, and circumstances are never similar.

Many people have either asked questions or said things that have left me unsettled and speechless. I do not believe that any of them have been ill-intentioned. But at times it has been shocking.
In response to these silly questions...
~
I'm 26 years old.

I have two little girls under the age of 3.

I was married to my life's love for 5 years, 5 months, & 4 hours.

My husband (who is the best, best friend that I've ever had) was completely healthy.

My husband (who I planned on spending the rest of this life with) was a skilled, meticulous, cautious pilot.

My husband (who I love with my whole being) left for work one day, never to return home.

But he did not leave our family on his own accord (and I know that he never would).
~
Benjamin David Hill is a husband, father, brother, uncle, son, friend, & pilot whom can never be replaced. There is a void in this world that will never be filled in his absence.

I know perfectly that he still loves me.

I know I will be with him again.
I look forward to that day.
And when that day is here, I hope he is proud of what I have become.
~
I miss him terribly. It's an emptiness like nothing else.
And I know that I miss him most.

I want to be okay on my own; although I don't know how or when I'll get there.

No, I do not like being a single parent.
Especially when I feel tired, sick, drained, and/or impatient.

And yet I don't feel single in it's truest sense.

I have no desire to remarry.
None.

And if I ever where to remarry, it would have to be to a widower, preferably with 1-3 kids of his own. Someone who cherished his late wife & could relate to me in that critical way.

Yes, I will be that picky.

No, I am not looking for someone to "take care" of me.

My children have a father.

I will be okay on my own.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Love,
The Hill Girls

364 Days Ago...

Ben and I never made a big deal out of Valentine's Day.
We both thought it was a silly, unnecessary holiday.

But last year was my favorite.

My sister was visiting from Idaho for the weekend, since she didn't have classes on President's Day. She offered to watch the girls later in the day, so that we could go out for Valentine's.

Jocee got "bubbles" and heart-shaped sugar cookies delivered from Papa and Omie in Boston. She was ecstatic, and had so much fun playing.


Costco was having a sale we couldn't miss, so Laura and Ben went shopping in the morning while I watched the girls. Ben ended up buying new pillows. I remember being really happy about it. We had wanted to replace the older ones for a while.
AND these new pillows were extremely cheap with coupons.
Double yay.

He then went to Target for some other things. He brought back new stuffed animals so that the girls could have a Valentine's gift from Daddy. Jocee named her puppy, Lady.

Later in the day, Ben let me have an extra long nap (with the fore mentioned pillows), while he played with Jocee. She had so much fun playing with Daddy. I remember hearing them laugh as I fell asleep.

After I put Sophie to bed at 7:00, Ben and I got ready and left. While we were on our way to dinner, Laura called to tell us how upset Jocee was. Little Miss was having a total meltdown. It sounded pretty intense. We decided to just go to Sonic for creme pie shakes, and rent a RedBox.

We were home within an hour. I put Jocee down for the night, and we ended the evening cuddled up, watching the movie in bed. I wish I could remember what movie it was...

In short, it was a simple, and mostly uneventful day.
But these are the kind of days I miss most.

The Name Game

Jocee approached me today...

Jocee: "Mommy, how you know my name?"
Me: "Your name? I gave you your name!"
Jocee: "You gave my name for me?? Thanks, Mom!"

(She went on to talk to herself...)
"Mommy gave my name...for me!"

I was taken aback by her gratitude. She was genuinely appreciative. As soon as she said those words, I wanted to correct myself. I wanted to say, "No, Jocee. I only gave you half your name." But I thought that might be too much to understand.

In reality, Ben had chose both their names. He took the responsibility of naming our children seriously, and made sure to be very involved in the process.

Jocelyn Michelle
June 2004
We went on a lot of camping trips during the first summer after we got married. We couldn't sleep one night. Out of boredom, around 2:00am we started talking about baby names. For a boy, we quickly agreed on Michael Joseph (my dad's name). For a girl, I really liked the name Brooklyn. Ben completely disagreed. After a few other suggestions, I asked if he liked any girls names that ended with -lyn.

He thought for a minute, and told me he always liked the name Jocelyn. To him, it was uncommon and feminine. I remember liking it, too. But we couldn't think of a nick-name for it.

August 2006
When we first found out I was pregnant, I started thinking of middle names to pair Jocelyn with. One day I thought of Michelle. Ben loved it immediately, and wouldn't discuss middle names any further. We had figured it out.

November 2006
When we found out this baby was in fact a girl, I really wanted to think of a nick-name for her. I desperately wanted Josie, but Ben wanted Jossy. I got upset one day, and told him that if he wanted to call our baby Jossy, then we'd have to come up with a different name all together.

He then explained that the only reason he wouldn't agree to Josie, was because it looked too much like Jose. And since the dots on his I's can sometimes look like accent marks, he felt he was setting his little girl up for a lifetime of ridicule.
(Not even joking.)

I offered to compromise with a different spelling. We went through a variety of options. When I came up with Jocee, he agreed right away. It was set in stone.


Sophia Leigh
Ben chose this name completely on his own. We started talking about another baby when Jocee was 7 months old. After going through dozens of girls names (no exaggeration), I was about to give up. One day I pulled up a baby name website, and looked at the top 10 girl names for 2006. He pointed to Sophia, and said that he liked it. I was pretty reluctant, but after all of my rejected names, I agreed.

July 2008
After we found out baby #2 was a girl, I wasn't looking forward to choosing a middle name.

I liked...
Sophia Racquel (a flat out no)
Sophia Madelyn ("too French-ish")
Sophia Christine (too close to Christina)
Sophia Elizabeth (Crystal's middle name)
Sophia Emily (I was reminded of Emily. Thanks again, BTW!)
Sophia Elise (too similar to Alyse-another option for a first name)

And then I gave up! At that point I was starting to feel jealous of women who have husbands that aren't as involved as Ben.
I'm not sure how he thought of Leigh, but I was just happy that he made a decision.


In Short:
While Ben may have annoyed me at the time, I adore the concern that he had for our little girls. When they are old enough, I will tell them this story. They will know that Daddy loves them. They will know that Daddy was mindful of them before they were born, that he is still mindful of them, and that no earthly circumstance will ever change that.

The Ben & Ginny Soundtrack

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.
Victor Hugo

I always loved how sentimental Ben was. He had a way of making the littlest things special and specific to us. I've mentioned it before; he was the first guy I ever dated that chose "our song" all on his own.

I remember that day in early May (2003), so clearly.
Ben was selling pest control in Vegas. We had made plans to spend Memorial Day together. We missed each other a lot, but I was still on the fence about having a relationship with a guy I'd barely see all summer.

I was cleaning my room. He called just to tell me that something he heard, made him realize something important. He had been driving in Henderson, NV when the song, "Where are You Going" by Dave Matthews Band came on the radio. The lyrics that hit him were..."I do know one thing, is where you are, is where I belong."

He told me it was one of his favorite songs, but he wanted it to be our song. I thought it was such a sweet gesture, and immediately agreed.

For his birthday that August, I gave him a burned CD. He genuinely appreciated it. He loved certain songs I had chose, and put them on our accumulating list...

I Wish You Were Here -Incubus
I Miss You -Incubus
Everything -Lifehouse
Somewhere In Between -Lifehouse
Only One -Lifehouse
Hear You Me -Jimmy Eat World

When we were engaged he added, The Reason -Hubastank ...I had thought this song was annoying. But he would always sing it to me when it came on the radio, so I started to like it too...

All throughout our marriage, he would add to the list that he started calling, "The Soundtrack to Our Lives." He would always tell me when a song reminded him of us in some way. It was always so endearing.

Some others that got added throughout the years...

Storm -Lifehouse
100 Years -Five for Fighting
Ever The Same -Rob Thomas
Swing Life Away -Rise Against
Close Yet Far -CKY
Take Me Away (acoustic) -Lifehouse
Come Back Down -Lifehouse
Satellite -Guster
Let My Love Open the Door -Sondre Lerche
My Hands Are Shaking -Sondre Lerche
Anyone Else But You -The Moldy Peaches
You Belong to Me -Jason Wade
1,2,3,4 -Plain White Ts

And on the night of 20 Oct 2009, we sang the The Great Beyond by REM, together. We talked about how much we liked it and how it, too should be considered one of our songs...

Even now, I'll hear a new song, and know that Ben would have liked it. He would have liked it so much, that he'd tell me to add it to our list...

A Weekend Getaway

Lately I've been having the most fun remembering the funny or quirky parts of our relationship. While talking to a friend, I was reminded of a funny story that actually took place in February...4 years ago. It's a story that is funnier if Ben and I tell it together. Here's the long version!

It was the first weekend in February of 2006. When I came home from work Ben asked if I wanted to go to a cabin in Duchesne, UT, with a group of his friends. I didn't really know anyone who would be there, but he told me that Nate and Laura were going too, so I reluctantly agreed. Ben was really excited. He packed some of his guns just in case there would be a chance to use them.

When we got there, I was taken aback by how open and spacious the cabin was. That evening was uneventful. Ben and I ended up going to bed somewhat early.

The next morning, there wasn't a lot to do. All the guys started looking for targets to shoot at (I.E. apples, soda cans-empty or full, paper...anything they could find). Everything that was found was either perched, or hung from a tall fence across the field.

When we were first married, Ben had given me one of his 22 caliber riffles. It was my favorite. I liked this gun best, mainly because it had a good spotting scope. Whenever I used it, I could fool people into thinking that I had excellent marksmanship.

Laura and I were the only girls out there shooting with Ben and Nate's friends. She was making me look bad, soI decided to use the 22 cal to showcase my faux skills. I remember a few of the guys there acting super impressed with how I had hit the various items. Ha!
(Thank you, spotting scope! We fooled them all!)

With all the shooting going on, they would have to stop periodically and go looking for new targets. Among all of the cans, clay pigeons, and produce, someone had found a fake duck. So random! We assumed that it was one of the pricey-looking, rustic decorations that had been inside the cabin. They hung it from the fence, amidst everything else.

When shooting began again, I found myself aiming for this duck a lot. It was so realistic looking. Whoever had bought it, must have spent a lot of money on it. But with how immaculate the cabin was, it only made sense. People with excessive money sometimes spend it on pretentious things...

At first I tried to shoot it off the fence, but that thing wasn't going anywhere. Then I tried to shoot it's head off...

(I know! I know! That's really out of character for me. But what was I to do? We were in the middle on nowhere, at a cabin with guns as one of the only sources of entertainment. Don't judge!)

It didn't take long before all other targets were down and everyone else was shooting at the duck too. Ben even offered to help me with decapitation. After a good half hour of shooting, the duck was a mere shadow of it's former self....riddled with holes and unrecognizable. That head never did come off, and it annoyed everyone.

We all went out to the fence to clean up the mess that had been made. I looked over and noticed three of Nate's friends burning what was left of the duck. I was so confused. Hadn't they outgrown that adolescent pyromaniac phase?? Why were they going to the effort??

It was then...that I was informed....that this duck...was in fact...REAL.

I just stood there.
Shocked.

Half the people there had, like me, assumed that they were shooting at a pretentious cabin ornament.

But, no.

This duck had once been alive...
(Most likely someone's forgotten hunting trophy.)

They were burning it for 2 reasons...

1. They thought cremation would be the most respectful option for a proper burial.
2. To eliminate all evidence of the duck & shooting thereof, on the off chance someone ever came looking for their trophy.
   

What was once just an innocent day of target practice, suddenly felt more like a crime scene.
It was like hunting and stealing at the same time.
I felt dirty.

What had I done?
Me? The little blonde girl from Boston?
What had I become?!

Ben and I laughed almost the entire drive home, and every single time we told the story. The whole scenario was so random. He didn't know I had it in me.

My inner redneck had emerged.

But alas, we were in little, forgotten Duchesne, UT...
And what happens in Duchesne, stays in Duchesne.
(Until now...)

Movie Night

Some of my favorite memories with Ben are when he was laughing hysterically. Whenever I think of his laugh and how much I adore it, one memory always sticks out in my mind...

Back in November 2007, we went on a date & saw this movie...

We rarely ever went to see movies in the theater. Rentals were always easier, cheaper, and less disappointing if we didn't enjoy them.

I'm not sure that I can fully express how comical and clever this movie was to us. And as far as I know, we liked it more than any of our other friends who saw it.

This was in part because we both felt that we could relate to the story on some level. If Ben were ever to be widowed, I could picture him acting and reacting similarly to the main character (and he didn't disagree).

We could picture Jocelyn in 14 years--equally as high strung, intense, and hormonal as the middle daughter. Such a scary, yet funny thought!
"YOU ARE A MURDERER OF LOVE!!"

We both laughed nearly the entire time. But Ben laughed more than I had seen him laugh in months. There were several instances when he had to cover his mouth in an effort to be considerate to the people around us. He later called it, "Knee-slapping-while-trying-to-cover-your-mouth-and-not-fall-out-of-your-chair...funny." Yes, he liked it that much.

He bought the movie the day it came out on DVD. It became our favorite movie to watch together. Seven days before everything happened, he held it up and said, "We should watch this together again."

Oh, how I wish we had made the time...

My half-hearted apologies to anyone who decides to see this movie because of my post, and gets disappointed. I guess it's a "Ben and Ginny thing." You wouldn't understand!

6 Years Ago, Today

I had to keep a daily journal for a class that semester. I could recount all of the day's activities, but that might be boring to most.

I will say...
It was a frigid Saturday.

Wedding announcement photos were taken.
It was Ben's idea...for me to wear pink and him to wear grey.
We didn't want to be too "matchy-matchy."

I love that he always thought of the little details.

Thank You, Emily!

Emily was the flake Ben dated right before he met me.

I don't know much of anything about her.
I never even asked what she looked like.

I do know that she and Ben dated casually for maybe two months leading up to Christmas. When Ben gave her a Christmas gift, she got angry at him---not because of the gift, but because he got her something after she had told him not to.
Needless to say, Ben gave up on that mess.

After we decided to be serious, I remember this girl calling him during the summer. He never answered, but she did make a few attempts. He'd let me listen to the voice-mails, and we would both laugh.
Too little, and way too late.

All throughout the time we dated, I remember feeling baffled. I could not understand why I was the first girl to see what an amazing person Ben was. He treated me like pure gold, and made me feel like the luckiest girl alive. How could any girl in her right mind not love that??
The only reasonable conclusion I could come to was....Emily, along with ever other girl he dated before me, was crazy.

But honestly, I am so glad that she was!
So I would like to thank this Emily publicly, where ever and whoever she is....

Dear Emily,
Thank you for for your assumed temporary lapse in judgment.
It was the best decision you made in my life.
Thank you for giving up on Ben, so that I could give him a chance.
Thank you for treating Ben poorly, so that I could treat him better.
Thank you for failing to see his selflessness, sincerity, devotion, and enduring sweetness, so that I could see each trait perfectly.
Thank you for stepping aside, so that this cute boy could be, Mine forever.


Very Sincerely,

3 Years Ago

In February of 2007, I was in my third trimester with Jocelyn. I was working 50 hours a week while Ben was preparing for his CFI check-ride. We were busy all the time, and I was starting to feel ragged from working so much.

I came home one day, after working 10 hours, and collapsed on the couch. Ben propped my feet up and sat next to me. He pointed out a loose string on the tank top I was wearing. When I pulled the string the hem and straps came completely unraveled. Instantly I was in tears!

Me: "I'm so sick of being FAT!!"
Ben: "Oh, Ginny you're only big in your tummy."
Me: "No! I'm fat everywhere, and now all my clothes are falling apart!"
Ben: "We'll get you new clothes."
Me: "No! What's the point?! I only have a few weeks left now! And I'm just too tired to go shopping! My back hurts so bad! Everything hurts all the time!"
Ben: "Your Benny is going to fix this. I'll get clothes for you. What size are you?"
Me: "Size 'Huge!' Size 'Are you having twins?!' Size 'Are you overdue?!"
Ben: "Okay. I'm going to guess...Small. I'll be right back! Benny will make it all better."

He had gone to Target, and when he came back he had a bag full of maternity clothes. There were shirts, tank tops, and pants. I was surprised at the effort he went to. He had put a lot of thought into it, and got things that I wouldn't mind wearing.

In the following weeks I was so grateful to him. I couldn't thank him enough. And he was pretty proud of himself. He'd smile and complement me on how cute I looked in the new clothes. THEN....I eventually got so big that only his t-shirts would fit... But he was always more than happy to help.

I look back at all of the things Ben did to take care of me, (pregnant or not) and I am overwhelmed with gratitude to him and for him.

Advice Recieved

Flashback: 21 May 2004

Right before the ceremony, the sealer gave us some general advice. While those few minutes are a blur in my memory, I have always clearly remembered when he said, "Develop the habit of a soft answer."

This can be interpreted in a variety of ways. To me, it was in reference to our moments of disagreement and potential arguing. A soft answer can so often seem like the more difficult and unnatural option to take. In retrospect, it is something I wish I practiced more readily.

Yesterday, a thought occurred to me. Although this was a recommendation given to Ben and me for our family, I can still use it in all of my dealings with others. Almost any point can be made when it is said gently, tactfully, and with good intention.

I am officially resolving to develop the habit of a soft answer.

& hearts ;

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I'm constantly reminded of all the sweet little things Ben did daily; the things that mean so much and are missed most.

Whenever we sat quietly together, or even if we were in a noisy crowded room, Ben would take the palm of my hand. With his index finger he would draw the shape of heart, then tap my palm three times and say, "Love."

I actually started this when we were engaged, but he kept it going. It became our quiet way of saying "I love you."

I can't wait for the day when he can do this again...

Banter

Ginny: I love you, Benny.
Ben: I love you more.
Ginny: I love you the MOST!
Ben: Well then, I love you the most-EST-EST!
Ginny: That's not a real word. I win!
Ben: Nope, I automatically win this one every time.
Ginny: How??
Ben: Because I'm bigger.

Mine

While shopping on Saturday, I couldn't help but notice all of the Valentine's merchandise. I mean, with the 14th right around the corner the stuff is everywhere.

As I walked past the conversation hearts, the phrase Be Mine jumped out at me. It triggered a rush of memories. At first I felt overwhelmed. But then I realized, these are sweet memories I hope to never forget. Almost instantly, I felt lighter. I couldn't help but smile.

Ben's most commonly used term of endearment for me was, Mine. He started this a few months before we were officially engaged. He'd constantly smile, and in a playful voice say things like, "You are Mine, and I am your Benny. I belong to you."

Whenever I'd walk into the same room he'd smile and softly say, "Hi, Mine."

He always said it with such sincerity and adoration. More often than not, this simple nick-name was accompanied with a comforting embrace. It became part of our daily dialogue, and my favorite name to answer to.



Thank you, Benny.
Thank you, for being Eternally Mine.