Sometimes

Ya know...

I still look at photos and love the way his cute ears stuck out when he smiled.

I still laugh at how silly we could be.

When I paint my toes, I still think of those perfect feet with the Teva tan lines.

I still get teary when I think of little things he did to take care of me.
And I just have to throw a "Thank you!!" out into the universe.


I'm grateful that I can still remember subtle things, and I'm grateful someone loved (loves) me that way.

:)

Ben used to sing it to me when we were engaged. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not. His singing voice was as bad as mine, and I always thought the song was painfully cheesy.

But he was serious. And adorable.



Like an answer to a prayer, now I get to hear it right when I need it. I hear that tone-deaf voice in my head, too. And I can't help but smile.

I love Ben.
:)

This will never get old.

Thanks, Lesley!!

:)

Better-er

So, I was driving around doing mundane errands by myself...deep in thought (my usual MO), when I realized that I really am getting better...in legit, measurable ways.

And I so love it.

I'm laughing more like I used to.---More often, and at appropriate times. ;)

I donated my I-haven't-eaten-in-5 1/2-months jeans. That emaciated look wasn't good on me, and I don't anticipate it making a comeback.

I changed my play list! The original was getting bastardized with non-Ben-approved songs. (Like he would listen to Jessie J!) Those melancholy songs don't resemble me anymore! Yay!

At my 10 year high school reunion a lot of people didn't know about my widow status, and I didn't feel the need to tell them.

I don't feel the need to tell anyone, really. It's a life altering event, but it's not who I am.

And if it does come up in conversation, I will do my best to make the other person feel comfortable. No need for awkward moments.

I'm still soo glad I didn't brand my blog! (sadlittleblondewidow dot blogspot dot com... Hah!!)

I've considered leaving the widow forum I joined two years ago. I've never been a big contributor anyway. And that conference was mostly a drag. Introductions felt like prison. Instead of the, "Whatcha in for?" it was a somber, "So what happened? How long has it been?" Yikes.

I'm breathing easier. Literally.


There was a part of me that thought that letting go of some of the pain would be bittersweet. Necessary, but still kind of awful. Everyone told me, "Time heals" (blah, blah, blah, blah). But I was so afraid that would prove to mean that time would rob me of my love for him. Time would take away the sound of his voice or the way his hands felt when they held mine. Because it can't hurt if you forget it was there.

Instead it's more of a gift. I've sat with this grief, and acknowledged it in every way I know how. The weight of it can start to shift now. It will always be a part of me, but it doesn't need to be the biggest part. It shouldn't be. Allowing myself to be defined and kept back isn't good for anyone. Things that break are meant to either be thrown away or fixed.

I'm in the "To Be Fixed" pile.

I was made to be happy. There will be far more happy moments than sad.


I love Ben.
:)

7 Days

That two year mark is looming.

Except..it's not really looming at all. Last year was so different. I knew it would be the conclusion of the hardest, most gut-wrenching year of my life. So I made plans.

• I flew to Utah.
• I stayed with my BFF (and laugh-cried a lot!).
• I went to the crash site (and listened to the radio on the way).
• I cleared his marker.
• ...and I didn't do any of it alone. :)
  

It was all about him, and it was perfect. Everything I needed to put my denial card away, and embrace all that the next year would bring me.

.........................................................................................................................

And here I am, about to complete another difficult year.

But with all the (not-yet-bloggable) good that this month has brought, I just can't cry like I did then. I'm too filled with gratitude to leave room for self pity.

I can still love him. I can still miss and ache for him (and heck yes, I will still cry). But I don't have to feel paralyzed or derailed. And it's one of the best realizations ever.

Hurting less doesn't mean I'm loving him less. In so many ways, my love for him has only grown stronger.

I don't want to be defined by the worst day of my life.
I don't want Ben to be defined by the last flight he took.
(And I know Ben doesn't want those things for me either.)

Life is about choice, and this is mine...


This is my new life, and I want to live it.

It's October

October is hard.
Lots of flashbacks, lots of tears.

I think of all the things we were doing at this time two years ago, and I just wish I hugged him a little tighter, kissed him a little longer, and told him how much I love him...more. I wish I savored him more. And the finality crushes me.

But I've blogged it all.
I'm sure no one needs a rerun.
Must I always be that sad little blonde widow??

October is hard, but this month has brought so much sweetness. I feel his love all around me (and my love and gratitude for him only get stronger). I feel things falling into place. I feel me becoming more of who I should be.

And all of it just overshadows the ugly.

In those sweet, quiet moments I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
And I am.

I love Ben.

:)

30+2

Bennys,

Thank you for being born 32 years ago.

And thank you for calling Polly back 23 years later.

Thank you for loving all of me.

Thank you for two perfect babies.

Thank you for reminding me that you love me still. I'm sorry I was was a bottomless pit there, for a while...

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Happy birthday.

Love,
Ginnys

To: The Best Daddy

There's not a day that goes by that we don't think of you, talk about you, and miss you.

Happy Father's Day!!

We love you always.

Love,
Jocee & Sophie

Today I thought about...

• How he carried a black pocket knife everywhere. And how he'd whip it out any time I'd ask for scissors.

• How he'd always insist on sitting right next to me in restaurants (instead of across the table).

• How he'd make up little songs for me. And how they usually came out sounding more like brand jingles.

• His laugh. How it got high-pitched when something was super funny.

• How he wouldn't fix his cowlick in the morning, if I told him it looked cute.

• How he'd sometimes refer to himself in the third person. "Don't worry. Your Benny will fix it."

• How he was the only person I knew who still used the word, "gnarly."

• How he'd make the same exact facial expressions that I'd recognize from his kiddie photos.

• How he'd draw hearts on my palm. (Along with so many other things I've already mentioned before.)
  

• How as I fell asleep in bed at night, he'd always put a pillow between my knees so that my lower back wouldn't hurt. And how he'd laugh as I grumbled each time, because he kind of woke me up.

...what it felt like to be around Ben.


I hope I don't ever forget...even the littlest things.

7 years ago

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden, I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love.

-Rob Thomas

May 19th

Remember last year, when I posted about what happened today (8 years ago)??

I know I've mentioned that he was kind of awful with remembering birthdays and anniversaries. But this day was the exception. Whenever this day rolled around, Ben was always the first to remind me. He was sincere when he'd tell me what it meant to him.

If he were alive today, I would have woken up to him wishing me a "Happy 8 Years Luvees."---Because it's the day when he decided that he loved me. And it's the day I decided to take a chance on him.

This day will always mean so much to me. Always.

"Unslumping yourself is not easy done."

I really do love May. I always have. And when Ben popped into my world, I loved it even more.

But right now I just don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I'll even catch myself feeling antsy and anxious. Hate that.

I don't want to cry, so I haven't been. Much. The puffy eye look isn't good on me. And I can just picture Ben shrugging his shoulders with a "Gin,-we've-been-over-this" attitude.

That empty ache is still there. It just might be permanent. But I don't want to be stuck. Ben wouldn't (doesn't) want me stuck either. That's when people get frumpy...

No more wallowing. For now.

In so many aspects, I have been blessed beyond measure.

Dear Me... (2)

I saw this video today, and loved it. Everyone should watch it and take it to heart.


But it got me wondering...
What if the current me, could talk to the younger me? What would I tell myself? Would I listen to me? I've already written one of those open letters to myself.

But what would I say to 16 year old me?

Hmm...

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Congrats on getting your braces off! Now stop smiling like a barbie for just a moment, and listen to me!

Stop relaxing your hair. It's only going to end up a fried mess. Embrace your natural curls.

Embrace all of who you are. Those padded bras are uncomfortable, huh? Just stop wearing them now.

Here's a list of tools to avoid... [names not seen here to protect the innocent. :)]
Here's a list of NICE boys to give the time of day... [same story.]

Oh, in two years you're going to go off to college...across the country, in the middle of nowhere. You're going to be as indecisive as all get out. Just make writing your major. The medical field does not suit you, and you're not quite ready for new-agey yet either. Trust me on that one, k?

About 18 months after that you're going to meet an amazing man. You'll know he's the one because of how he adores you. He's going to want to marry you two months after you start dating. Don't second guess it.

He's not perfect. In fact, he'll totally screw up your first Mother's Day. But don't be too angry at him for that one! Please be sweet to him everyday you have him with you; especially when he drives you crazy.

He will spend everyday of the rest of forever making sure you feel his love for you.

The joy and love you'll experience as a mother can scarcely be described, and deserves a letter all it's own. Perhaps 40 Year Old Me will have more on that.

Oh, and bringing it back to melanoma... You're going to be tempted to visit those tanning beds way too much. DON'T DO IT! 27 Year Old Me still doesn't know what those 3 years are going to get you.

Love,
Ginny

It's May

And all I can really think about is this...

• What a peaceful, easy day it was...
• How the weather was perfect...
• How happy and calm I felt...
• How thrilled he was...
• How my heart still aches...

It's all so vivid in my mind, and yet it feels so far away.

After the ceremony was done, I remember walking out of the bridal room, and smiling at him. I remember a sweet old man walking by us and saying, "You know you've picked the right one when you smile like that."

I remember Ben taking every opportunity to refer to me as his wife, like he was savoring the word.

I even remember this moment perfectly...

The reception was almost over.
There were no new guests to greet.
Ben was talking to friends.
Not thinking, I went and sat at an empty table by myself.
Almost as soon as I had sat down, he was in front of me.
He asked me if I was tired.
I just smiled.
Then he kissed me.



21 makes 7 years.
I wish we had 7 years.


Thank you, May.

I love Ben.

18 Months

I remember when I was living by the minute; when thinking 18 days ahead of me just couldn't be done. Sometimes I would wonder where I was going to be at the 18 month mark, but that was usually followed by the beginnings of a panic attack (and lots of deep breathing). Just remembering that shock and heartache brings tears to my eyes. I never want to feel like that again, and yet I hope to never ever forget it.

BUT I'm not there anymore. (Remember? :))

I've been slowly building myself up from ground zero. Where I am right now is such a better place to be. It's a huge deal; one worth celebrating. Sure, I might be a little more flighty (and a lot more new-agey), but I'm more grounded at the same time too.

For so long I haven't been able to see very far ahead of me. I remember posting about plans being useless. They just get..."put on hold." This moment is all that matters, and I still believe that. But guess what?? I'm starting to make those plans again, and it's freeing; not scary. The future is brightening again. Going back to school feels doable (and exciting). Single parenting doesn't feel as daunting. There are so many unknowns, but they don't feel intimidating anymore.

I feel myself growing into more of what I've always meant to be (knowing I'm not totally there yet either). I only wish that Ben got to see some of it during his lifetime. I catch myself still apologizing to him for the other me; for depending on him so much, for expecting inhuman things.

The hurt is still there. Little things can still creep up and blindside me. Like two weeks ago when I broke down, as I realized just how much I miss his feet. He seriously had (/has) the cutest, perfect feet... And I miss the way he thought mine were cute too. But those moments aren't derailing anymore. I don't have to post about it as much. It's a lot like T. Thorpe said, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."

So today it has been 18 months. It's a big milestone, and I feel okay. I'm not a useless lump of human stuck on autopilot. The best part is knowing how proud he is of me. I feel him smiling at me, sometimes laughing with me. He's still my very best friend.

I'm going to continue to make him smile. I'm going to be the mother our babies deserve. I'm going to become the me that I've been meaning to be. And I'm going to be happy doing it.

(Note to anyone who gets this: Today's hawk count: 5!!)

I love Ben.
:)

The Rundown

Now that I've actually unpacked my suitcase, and done my laundry...

That trip was so fun! I miss it. (And because I miss it, I'm going to ramble on and on about it! ;))

Before I left I decided on two things.
1. I was going to take every opportunity to try new things.
2. I was going be semi-nomadic and stay with different people. (Ben Franklin did say, "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." True enough! )


So, I landed in CA around 1:30 on Friday, the 11th.

My cute aunt, Mary and her hubby, Ben took me on a tour around the Loma Linda University medical school. He teaches there, and has written text books. Impressive, huh? They showed me everything...even the cadavers. (NOTE: I was super proud of myself. The last time I saw a cadaver was almost 10 years ago. Back then I ran out of the room, threw up, and dropped my anatomy&physiology class. True story.)

Then we went out to eat with my cute cousin Linda. After that, Linda took me to Trader Joe's, where we discovered that we like all the same vegan foods. Who knew? Love it!!


On Saturday I went to church with Linda, and then we went horseback riding with her friend, Julie. (Again I was proud of myself. The last time I was on a horse, I was 13. That horse fell with me on him, bruising my left left leg and breaking my left ring finger. It's still crooked...) I stayed on the horse the whole time; despite the crazy trails and steep drops. I kept my eyes closed a lot!

We saw hawks...

and found their feathers (thanks to Julie!).

Love. :)

Later we had dinner with Mary and Ben.

When we got back to Linda's we Yogaed (yes, it's a noun turned verb now)...and laughed hysterically at the instructor guy!

On Sunday we all went to Disney Land for my second time ever (and took absolutely no photos)! It was fabulous, but I don't know how people do it with kids. Speaking of... I totally got offered the kids menu at the Blue Bayou!! And of course I ordered from it! Perfect portion size. I remember back in high school when the kids menu was a complete insult. And now I wish it to happen more often... Ha! It was a fun day. :)

Mary and Ben dropped me off at the airport early Monday morning. I was so sad to leave.

When I got to Salt Lake I ended up renting the ugliest silver Pontiac I've ever seen in my life! At first glance I wanted to cry, but I had to laugh! It was a good conversation starter in mall parking lots. Haha

I stayed with Terisa and Warren on Monday and Tuesday.... Terisa and I were soo happy Brad picked Emily! A cute little blonde widow is a way better option over a divorcee with a boob job. Just sayin'!

Tuesday I went to lunch with my FB friend, Jaime O. (That'll be her blogging alias.) And now we're real-life-friends. She's darling; love her!

On Wednesday I finally got to see T.Thorpe! She was in the process of moving to Iowa. Anyway (like I mentioned before) we went for Reiki massages, hit up our favorite health food store, binged on soy ice cream, and laughed much---just our much needed usual!

I was so sad to leave her on Thursday. But Jared took me to dinner, and that was fun. Although I was not offered the kids menu. [Sigh.] Ego, crushed. ;) Anyway, I stayed with my sister in Sandy, for a widows/ers conference.

That conference was on Friday and Saturday. I had been on the fence about attending, but decided to go at the last minute. I was glad I did! It was really fun to meet new people in similar situations. And to finally meet others who I felt like I already knew was good too. :)

On Saturday T. Thorpe texted to tell me that they had officially left state borders. Suddenly Utah became a lonelier place. Soo I blew off the "workshops" and went shopping with my cute (also now real-life-) friend Katie.

By Sunday I realized I was tired and did a lot of nothing.

On Monday I got all my hair chopped off, because you cannot get a bad haircut in UT. My hair is now the shortest it's ever been (shoulder length). I went to lunch with Sara in Salt Lake, and then went back to Springville one last time; to clean a marker that shouldn't look so neglected.

On Tuesday...I went back to my littles. I missed them so much.

The end.

Feeling thankful for...

1. Cell phone cameras
2. Target alarm clocks...
3. Friends who get me.

;)

xo

I've mentioned it before...

But I just really love when I get it!!



Sometimes I just need little reminders.

:)

Mountain Goat

So, remember back (3 days ago) when I posted about Sophie's shiner, and how she inherited my clumsiness. It got me thinking....

I am painfully clumsy. I don't even try to play it off or excuse it.

I keep remembering the first time Ben and I went hiking together. It was at the end of May 2003, and he was dropping his sister off at West Yellowstone. She had got a job at Old Faithful. He had picked me up along the way; any excuse to spend time together. (He wrote Lindsay about it.)

Anyway... While she was at orientation we went for a walk. We happened upon a rocky spot with huge boulders, and immediately Ben wanted climb them.

I remember not feeling very surefooted, and blaming my Roxy sneakers. [Cringe.] But of course Ben was a different story. I tried to hide my awe as I watched him jump from rock to rock like it was effortless. I teased him about being a mountain goat. He smiled. It was cute...

Eventually, we got to the top of one of those boulders. He wanted me to sit with him close to the edge. Have I mentioned how much I hate heights? It was maybe a 30 ft drop, so I insisted on sitting in the center of the boulder. He reluctantly compromised.

I felt silly, and over exposed. What could he possibly be thinking of me? He was adorably agile, and I was just a mess. What if we were too different?

And yet, none of that mattered to him. My flaws had somehow become endearing, redeemable qualities.

I miss that.
I miss him.

I love Ben.

Delayed Reflexes

I finally did it.
I changed my marital status on FB (15 months later).

Sheesh, that was hard!

I'll be the first to admit that this borderlines pathetic. Actually it's probably full-blown pathetic. I realize that it's just FB. Ben wouldn't (no, doesn't) care either way.

The odd part is that I've owned my widowhood. Taking off my wedding ring 3 months in was almost easy. It's my life experience and I'm not ashamed of it...even though the word repulses me, and I hate what it has done. Seriously, when I think of the word "widow," I think of those disgusting spiders, and older women dressed in frumpy amounts of black. But I digress...

I decided that it was time to make a change back in December. A very sweet FB friend whom I haven't seen or spoken to in years, wished both me and Ben a Merry Christmas. I couldn't help but feel responsible for the mix-up.

Really, I just want to be honest with people.

But as silly as I know it sounds...
I'll really miss seeing his thumbnail linked to my profile...and our wedding date too.

That is all.