Better-er

So, I was driving around doing mundane errands by myself...deep in thought (my usual MO), when I realized that I really am getting better...in legit, measurable ways.

And I so love it.

I'm laughing more like I used to.---More often, and at appropriate times. ;)

I donated my I-haven't-eaten-in-5 1/2-months jeans. That emaciated look wasn't good on me, and I don't anticipate it making a comeback.

I changed my play list! The original was getting bastardized with non-Ben-approved songs. (Like he would listen to Jessie J!) Those melancholy songs don't resemble me anymore! Yay!

At my 10 year high school reunion a lot of people didn't know about my widow status, and I didn't feel the need to tell them.

I don't feel the need to tell anyone, really. It's a life altering event, but it's not who I am.

And if it does come up in conversation, I will do my best to make the other person feel comfortable. No need for awkward moments.

I'm still soo glad I didn't brand my blog! (sadlittleblondewidow dot blogspot dot com... Hah!!)

I've considered leaving the widow forum I joined two years ago. I've never been a big contributor anyway. And that conference was mostly a drag. Introductions felt like prison. Instead of the, "Whatcha in for?" it was a somber, "So what happened? How long has it been?" Yikes.

I'm breathing easier. Literally.


There was a part of me that thought that letting go of some of the pain would be bittersweet. Necessary, but still kind of awful. Everyone told me, "Time heals" (blah, blah, blah, blah). But I was so afraid that would prove to mean that time would rob me of my love for him. Time would take away the sound of his voice or the way his hands felt when they held mine. Because it can't hurt if you forget it was there.

Instead it's more of a gift. I've sat with this grief, and acknowledged it in every way I know how. The weight of it can start to shift now. It will always be a part of me, but it doesn't need to be the biggest part. It shouldn't be. Allowing myself to be defined and kept back isn't good for anyone. Things that break are meant to either be thrown away or fixed.

I'm in the "To Be Fixed" pile.

I was made to be happy. There will be far more happy moments than sad.


I love Ben.
:)

What have I been up to??

Hi, friends!!

I'm still alive! Shocker, huh?? I bet you thought I'd never post again, didn't you??!

Let's play catchup! And maybe I'll post in more detail later. (No promises! :))

In September Jocee started preschool!
+
She loves it, and has made a lot of friends. Everyday she begs me to practice writing with her, and can sound words out like a pro. At parent-teacher conference her teacher complimented me on working with her. But I really can't take the credit. She is so eager to learn.

October was fun.

Clearly I've been rockin' at this single mom business.

I jumped out of a Twin Otter with Hawt Guy again.

It was so much more fun the second time!! Everyone needs to do it...twice! And I've decided I need to get certified. Need. Soon.

On the 21st I flew away to Loma Linda (and San Diego). I just fit there.

And vegan cousins and funny aunts make for good distractions.
Side Note: If you're in an airport (like T.F. Green on October 21st) and you go to Starbucks...and order a soy chai latte and a fruit cup..it just might cost you...

LOVE :)

November was kind of unbloggable.

Buggy turned 3!! (I.O.U: 1 blog post!)
But I spent a lot of that time proactively worrying about her. It's all good now though! So, yay!!

I learned more uses for turmeric.

Seriously, try this! It's ahhmazing!

After being Supermom I went to my 10 year high school reunion.

Not my most photogenic night, but such a good one! After 10 years, 2 kids, and bucket loads of crapola, everyone thought I looked the same! Woot!


Oh...and the biggest reason why I haven't blogged...
I went back to school! Started in August.

12 credits: DONE! And I'm scheduled to graduate in less that two years. (Thennn I need a Master's.) So excited!

Ok, ok... So that and I've been pinning.

Best vision board ever!



So that's what I've been up to.
2011 really has been a good year.
I'll post more later.

I've missed you guys!!
xoxo

7 Days

That two year mark is looming.

Except..it's not really looming at all. Last year was so different. I knew it would be the conclusion of the hardest, most gut-wrenching year of my life. So I made plans.

• I flew to Utah.
• I stayed with my BFF (and laugh-cried a lot!).
• I went to the crash site (and listened to the radio on the way).
• I cleared his marker.
• ...and I didn't do any of it alone. :)
  

It was all about him, and it was perfect. Everything I needed to put my denial card away, and embrace all that the next year would bring me.

.........................................................................................................................

And here I am, about to complete another difficult year.

But with all the (not-yet-bloggable) good that this month has brought, I just can't cry like I did then. I'm too filled with gratitude to leave room for self pity.

I can still love him. I can still miss and ache for him (and heck yes, I will still cry). But I don't have to feel paralyzed or derailed. And it's one of the best realizations ever.

Hurting less doesn't mean I'm loving him less. In so many ways, my love for him has only grown stronger.

I don't want to be defined by the worst day of my life.
I don't want Ben to be defined by the last flight he took.
(And I know Ben doesn't want those things for me either.)

Life is about choice, and this is mine...


This is my new life, and I want to live it.

It's October

October is hard.
Lots of flashbacks, lots of tears.

I think of all the things we were doing at this time two years ago, and I just wish I hugged him a little tighter, kissed him a little longer, and told him how much I love him...more. I wish I savored him more. And the finality crushes me.

But I've blogged it all.
I'm sure no one needs a rerun.
Must I always be that sad little blonde widow??

October is hard, but this month has brought so much sweetness. I feel his love all around me (and my love and gratitude for him only get stronger). I feel things falling into place. I feel me becoming more of who I should be.

And all of it just overshadows the ugly.

In those sweet, quiet moments I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
And I am.

I love Ben.

:)

URL change

I've been contemplating this for a while.

When I started the blog, Ben was posting to it, too. Benandginnyhill made sense.

I'm not really part of a "we" anymore, and neither is my blog. Now ginnyhill fits best, and feels right.

It's good to take ownership of "just me" (+2 :)).



Soo...change your readers/feeds/whatever!

Love you guys!!

xoxo

18 Months

I remember when I was living by the minute; when thinking 18 days ahead of me just couldn't be done. Sometimes I would wonder where I was going to be at the 18 month mark, but that was usually followed by the beginnings of a panic attack (and lots of deep breathing). Just remembering that shock and heartache brings tears to my eyes. I never want to feel like that again, and yet I hope to never ever forget it.

BUT I'm not there anymore. (Remember? :))

I've been slowly building myself up from ground zero. Where I am right now is such a better place to be. It's a huge deal; one worth celebrating. Sure, I might be a little more flighty (and a lot more new-agey), but I'm more grounded at the same time too.

For so long I haven't been able to see very far ahead of me. I remember posting about plans being useless. They just get..."put on hold." This moment is all that matters, and I still believe that. But guess what?? I'm starting to make those plans again, and it's freeing; not scary. The future is brightening again. Going back to school feels doable (and exciting). Single parenting doesn't feel as daunting. There are so many unknowns, but they don't feel intimidating anymore.

I feel myself growing into more of what I've always meant to be (knowing I'm not totally there yet either). I only wish that Ben got to see some of it during his lifetime. I catch myself still apologizing to him for the other me; for depending on him so much, for expecting inhuman things.

The hurt is still there. Little things can still creep up and blindside me. Like two weeks ago when I broke down, as I realized just how much I miss his feet. He seriously had (/has) the cutest, perfect feet... And I miss the way he thought mine were cute too. But those moments aren't derailing anymore. I don't have to post about it as much. It's a lot like T. Thorpe said, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."

So today it has been 18 months. It's a big milestone, and I feel okay. I'm not a useless lump of human stuck on autopilot. The best part is knowing how proud he is of me. I feel him smiling at me, sometimes laughing with me. He's still my very best friend.

I'm going to continue to make him smile. I'm going to be the mother our babies deserve. I'm going to become the me that I've been meaning to be. And I'm going to be happy doing it.

(Note to anyone who gets this: Today's hawk count: 5!!)

I love Ben.
:)

Handyman

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm turning into a guy...

I kill spiders all by myself.

I know the difference between a Phillips head and a flat head. (Phillips was a genius.)

I figure out electronic and computer stuff completely on my own.

I open really tight jars, without even thinking to ask for the help of man hands.

I can do very, very minor car work (as opposed to none before).

I can restring a guitar.

I can put stuff together (following directions).

Garmin never leads me astray.

I can fix so many random things. It may not be done using the traditional method, or the method that makes the most sense, but I work it out.

And so because I'm practically a guy...I totally need these....

Because I'm hardcore now.

;)

Not there anymore.

Lately I've felt stagnant and frustrated. Ben has been gone for 17 months, and on the surface there hasn't been any real progression. The three of us are still living with my parents, and I have yet to go back to school. I wonder if I'm grieving fast enough. Am I subconsciously choosing to hold myself back??

But less than 2 weeks ago, I was able to get rid of those wasted emotions.

While in UT, T. Thorpe and I did our usual. ---We went for energy massages from one of my favorite people (then we hit up a health food store, got some soy ice cream & got caught up on our shows. Ha!!). Anyway, I've known this favorite for 5 or 6 years now. And in the more recent months she has tried to remind me of how...okay and "together" I am. Something she said finally stuck with me.

"You've been so hurt, but you've sorted through so much. I know you've been through the, 'It wasn't supposed to be this way.' Feeling angry because you weren't supposed to be a single parent with these girls. I'm sure at one point you didn't even want to exist. You wanted to disappear. But you're not there anymore."

Tears instantly fell. Because even though I never told her, she knew and she was right.

I'm not there anymore.

And so even though I may still have days when I feel overwhelmed and a little defeated, those emotions are of little consequence. Rather I can look at all of those things that may be invisible to everyone but me, and know...I have come a long way.

Where I am right at this very moment is perfect (and obviously not forever).

The RMV

(NOTE: This is an old draft from mid December. I was clearing out my drafts folder, and decided to post it. I haven't quite finished it, but if I don't upload it now I probably never will.)

I had waited until the last possible day to get my UT plates changed. I got my number and sat down; only 5 people before me, and an open seat. Yays! I looked down at the death certificate, and covered it with another paper. No one needed to know or feel bad.

As I looked looked through my purse for my chap stick, I heard the cutest Irish accent just a few feet away. I looked over at a sweet older Irish lady talking to a younger girl. She was briefly explaining where she was from, and asked the young girl about herself.

The younger girl was 21 and in college. She like really wanted to travel to Ireland someday, and like totally backpack through Europe too. She had been to Spain with friends, and it was awesome. The older lady smiled and nodded as this young girl went onto explain how she to wait until her birthday to get the "over 21" license and a new photo taken. She was like 16 in the old one, and had braces and un-blown-out hair. Awful!

As I listened to her talk, I missed the 21-year-old me. I remembered when I was like her; when I had time to get all dolled up for a DMV photo shoot... Ben married me weeks before I turned 21... Such a sweet time in my life.

Anyway, before long her number was called and she was gone. Minutes after that, the older Irish lady, got up and happily greeted someone she already knew. I thought to myself, "How fun is that? I never run into people I know here!"

As they embraced they both started crying. [By that point the guy next to me was making small talk. It made eavesdropping tricky.] In hushed tones the concerned friend asked how she had been, and apologized for not visiting with her more. That cute Irish lady's husband had recently passed away. She went on to talk about how difficult it had been on her, how much she missed him....and I had to stop listening.

My heart broke for her. For a moment I found it odd that at 27, I probably had more in common with a 60-something, than that 21-year-old girl getting the new license. And then I felt humbled realizing that each of us in that small overcrowded room had likely experienced our own brand of heartache.

I only hope that mine makes me better than I was before.

It's Official

...and a little bittersweet.
A moment of silence is requested.

:)

Dear Universe...

Just putting it out there!!

xo

Here's The Deal

Back in the beginning of 2009, I wanted to start a blog. But I didn't know what I'd write about or if it would be anything anyone else would care to read. But that part didn't matter.

All I knew was that I did not want to be one of those stereotypical Utah moms. You know, the ones with those braggy blogs, all about how awesome their lives are? Read between the lines and they're just laughable.

In February I approached Ben about starting one. Usually he'd mention those blogs and easily talk me out of it. But this time I was surprised by how encouraging he was. He even came up with the URL. Yes, I know it's sickeningly cliche but he was being supportive, so I went with it.

Eight months later Ben died, and for a while I contemplated getting rid of it entirely.

Several people encouraged me to write as much as I could about him while memories were fresh; mainly for Jocee and Sophie. I agreed. But that seemed like such a daunting task. Each time I sat down and looked at the blank paper, all I could do was write a disjointed, tear-drenched letter to him.

But that blog was still up... The computer screen wasn't nearly as intimidating. I still had plans of someday printing those earlier entries for Jocee and Sophie to have. Memories of Daddy would make it meaningful, and someday prove invaluable.

As support from others quickly dwindled, I was left with essentially no one to talk to. If I was expected to act like nothing happened, I could blindly display my feelings somewhere else. The rejection would be more palatable if it was indirect.

So the blog stayed.

And here it is, 1 year, 1 week, & 4 days after that little world of mine imploded.

And here we are... My girls still need stories of their daddy, and they will throughout their entire lives. They will know that their daddy loves them, everyday that we are apart. They will know that he is just as real and alive now, as he was then. So as long as these memories surface, I will share them. Because really, at the end of the day I write this blog for them.

And me? I'm not even close to the woman I want to be yet. Me growing into me, could be entertaining. And even if it's not...whatev!

This blog is here to stay.

xo

Happy List

Real talk: I knew this month would be difficult, but I couldn't have anticipated how much. Flashbacks of what we were doing this time last year leave me feeling empty and deflated. I so desperately want to go back to that time, and stay there forever.

I've had way more of those snot-nosed, puffy-eyed, head-pounding cries than I'd like to admit. I really hate them. I only feel worse after. As part of my effort to avoid them, I've been taking note of happy things to distract me. Sometimes it works.
Here was today's Happy List....


1. I love, love, love when this happens! Jocee barely ever naps anymore. But when they take a nap together, it's marvelous (and adorably sweet)!

2. I totally forgot October is breast cancer awareness month! That means...pink everything!! I know one little girl who is going to love that, and another who will go along with it because she loves her big sister. :)


3. I have started couponing again!! Before the crash I was really good at it. I could cut a $150 grocery bill down to $50. Ben even bragged about my skills. :) After the crash I stopped caring. One of my goals for the year mark was to get back into it. Well, yesterday, I saved $10 using just coupons!--A decent first attempt.

Life is sweet.
:)

Wait. Where am I?

You know you've left Utah, and entered Massachusetts when...

• After leaving for the grocery store, you feel super annoyed that you only had time to put on some tinted moisturizer and mascara. Then when you get there, you're more dressed up than half of the other moms who literally just rolled out of bed.

• Health food stores are far and few between.
  

• You spot girls walking around in frumpy clothes, carrying designer handbags. Coach does not save the outfit. Sorry.

• You wonder why people don't abbreviate or substitute swear words anymore. Oh wait, they never did...

• You wonder why there are reports of great whites when you're landlocked. Oh, that's right. You're not. (Okay, so that's more one my trademark blonde moments, but whatever.)

• You totally forgot you can get fresh seafood here. But being vegan makes it a moot point.
  

• You wonder when drivers got soo inconsiderate and aggressive. Oh wait, they always have been!

• You've replaced "wicked" with words like "super" and "way." I wonder when that word will organically find it's way back into my vocabulary...

The last 10 months, 1 week & 2 days have been the most disorienting that I've ever experienced. I find it laughable at how odd of an adjustment it has been. For now, I blame widow brain.

Or maybe I've been away from MA too long. But 9 years isn't that long. Is it?? And yet, so much happened to me in those 9 years.
It feels so foreign. But my whole life still feels foreign.

I suppose part of me thought that most things would just fall into place. I thought my new normal would be easier to find. I thought I'd feel half better at the 6 month mark. I don't really know what I expected for the 1 year mark, but it's coming up too quickly. I'm no where near where I wanted to be.