Sometimes

Ya know...

I still look at photos and love the way his cute ears stuck out when he smiled.

I still laugh at how silly we could be.

When I paint my toes, I still think of those perfect feet with the Teva tan lines.

I still get teary when I think of little things he did to take care of me.
And I just have to throw a "Thank you!!" out into the universe.


I'm grateful that I can still remember subtle things, and I'm grateful someone loved (loves) me that way.

:)

Ben used to sing it to me when we were engaged. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not. His singing voice was as bad as mine, and I always thought the song was painfully cheesy.

But he was serious. And adorable.



Like an answer to a prayer, now I get to hear it right when I need it. I hear that tone-deaf voice in my head, too. And I can't help but smile.

I love Ben.
:)

This will never get old.

Thanks, Lesley!!

:)

7 Days

That two year mark is looming.

Except..it's not really looming at all. Last year was so different. I knew it would be the conclusion of the hardest, most gut-wrenching year of my life. So I made plans.

• I flew to Utah.
• I stayed with my BFF (and laugh-cried a lot!).
• I went to the crash site (and listened to the radio on the way).
• I cleared his marker.
• ...and I didn't do any of it alone. :)
  

It was all about him, and it was perfect. Everything I needed to put my denial card away, and embrace all that the next year would bring me.

.........................................................................................................................

And here I am, about to complete another difficult year.

But with all the (not-yet-bloggable) good that this month has brought, I just can't cry like I did then. I'm too filled with gratitude to leave room for self pity.

I can still love him. I can still miss and ache for him (and heck yes, I will still cry). But I don't have to feel paralyzed or derailed. And it's one of the best realizations ever.

Hurting less doesn't mean I'm loving him less. In so many ways, my love for him has only grown stronger.

I don't want to be defined by the worst day of my life.
I don't want Ben to be defined by the last flight he took.
(And I know Ben doesn't want those things for me either.)

Life is about choice, and this is mine...


This is my new life, and I want to live it.

It's October

October is hard.
Lots of flashbacks, lots of tears.

I think of all the things we were doing at this time two years ago, and I just wish I hugged him a little tighter, kissed him a little longer, and told him how much I love him...more. I wish I savored him more. And the finality crushes me.

But I've blogged it all.
I'm sure no one needs a rerun.
Must I always be that sad little blonde widow??

October is hard, but this month has brought so much sweetness. I feel his love all around me (and my love and gratitude for him only get stronger). I feel things falling into place. I feel me becoming more of who I should be.

And all of it just overshadows the ugly.

In those sweet, quiet moments I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
And I am.

I love Ben.

:)

PS...

To the majority of you that didn't get that inside joke posted on 8/17...

It's the Lazy Sunday SNL skit!


That was one of Ben's favorite junk food snacks. So naturally this was one of his favorite SNL skits. He'd sing it every time he got Redvines and DP.

I would get soo annoyed! haha




(Thanks to my friend, Ryanne! Not only did she get it right away, but she knew the name of the skit, too.)

:)

30+2

Bennys,

Thank you for being born 32 years ago.

And thank you for calling Polly back 23 years later.

Thank you for loving all of me.

Thank you for two perfect babies.

Thank you for reminding me that you love me still. I'm sorry I was was a bottomless pit there, for a while...

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Happy birthday.

Love,
Ginnys

Nothing made him happier.

He'd gush to anyone who would listen. He'd tell you how much he loved being a dad, how it was the best thing to ever happen to him, how he had the sweetest girls ever.

I took this one on Terisa's wedding day. Jocee was four months old. He was watching her so that I could get ready that morning. They fell asleep watching kiddie shows on PBS.

Jocee was seven months in this one... He had bought her that outfit while I was pregnant, and was so happy when she was old enough to wear it. This was just one of those sweet, lazy Saturday mornings.



Not a Saturday morning. But I remember taking it. Jocee always got so excited when he came home from work.



This was right after we had moved from Lehi to Springville. He had obviously just come home from work. Oh my gosh, how I miss that.

The day after Sophie was born... I have another with Jocee just like it.

I will never stop wishing that they had more time with their Daddy.
One of my main concerns for this life, is that they have a genuine understanding of just how much they are loved, adored, and looked after by him. I will never speak of his love for them in the past tense. This kind of love never goes away.

Today I thought about...

• How he carried a black pocket knife everywhere. And how he'd whip it out any time I'd ask for scissors.

• How he'd always insist on sitting right next to me in restaurants (instead of across the table).

• How he'd make up little songs for me. And how they usually came out sounding more like brand jingles.

• His laugh. How it got high-pitched when something was super funny.

• How he wouldn't fix his cowlick in the morning, if I told him it looked cute.

• How he'd sometimes refer to himself in the third person. "Don't worry. Your Benny will fix it."

• How he was the only person I knew who still used the word, "gnarly."

• How he'd make the same exact facial expressions that I'd recognize from his kiddie photos.

• How he'd draw hearts on my palm. (Along with so many other things I've already mentioned before.)
  

• How as I fell asleep in bed at night, he'd always put a pillow between my knees so that my lower back wouldn't hurt. And how he'd laugh as I grumbled each time, because he kind of woke me up.

...what it felt like to be around Ben.


I hope I don't ever forget...even the littlest things.

7 years ago

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden, I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love.

-Rob Thomas

May 19th

Remember last year, when I posted about what happened today (8 years ago)??

I know I've mentioned that he was kind of awful with remembering birthdays and anniversaries. But this day was the exception. Whenever this day rolled around, Ben was always the first to remind me. He was sincere when he'd tell me what it meant to him.

If he were alive today, I would have woken up to him wishing me a "Happy 8 Years Luvees."---Because it's the day when he decided that he loved me. And it's the day I decided to take a chance on him.

This day will always mean so much to me. Always.

"Unslumping yourself is not easy done."

I really do love May. I always have. And when Ben popped into my world, I loved it even more.

But right now I just don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I'll even catch myself feeling antsy and anxious. Hate that.

I don't want to cry, so I haven't been. Much. The puffy eye look isn't good on me. And I can just picture Ben shrugging his shoulders with a "Gin,-we've-been-over-this" attitude.

That empty ache is still there. It just might be permanent. But I don't want to be stuck. Ben wouldn't (doesn't) want me stuck either. That's when people get frumpy...

No more wallowing. For now.

In so many aspects, I have been blessed beyond measure.

Dear Me... (2)

I saw this video today, and loved it. Everyone should watch it and take it to heart.


But it got me wondering...
What if the current me, could talk to the younger me? What would I tell myself? Would I listen to me? I've already written one of those open letters to myself.

But what would I say to 16 year old me?

Hmm...

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Congrats on getting your braces off! Now stop smiling like a barbie for just a moment, and listen to me!

Stop relaxing your hair. It's only going to end up a fried mess. Embrace your natural curls.

Embrace all of who you are. Those padded bras are uncomfortable, huh? Just stop wearing them now.

Here's a list of tools to avoid... [names not seen here to protect the innocent. :)]
Here's a list of NICE boys to give the time of day... [same story.]

Oh, in two years you're going to go off to college...across the country, in the middle of nowhere. You're going to be as indecisive as all get out. Just make writing your major. The medical field does not suit you, and you're not quite ready for new-agey yet either. Trust me on that one, k?

About 18 months after that you're going to meet an amazing man. You'll know he's the one because of how he adores you. He's going to want to marry you two months after you start dating. Don't second guess it.

He's not perfect. In fact, he'll totally screw up your first Mother's Day. But don't be too angry at him for that one! Please be sweet to him everyday you have him with you; especially when he drives you crazy.

He will spend everyday of the rest of forever making sure you feel his love for you.

The joy and love you'll experience as a mother can scarcely be described, and deserves a letter all it's own. Perhaps 40 Year Old Me will have more on that.

Oh, and bringing it back to melanoma... You're going to be tempted to visit those tanning beds way too much. DON'T DO IT! 27 Year Old Me still doesn't know what those 3 years are going to get you.

Love,
Ginny

It's May

And all I can really think about is this...

• What a peaceful, easy day it was...
• How the weather was perfect...
• How happy and calm I felt...
• How thrilled he was...
• How my heart still aches...

It's all so vivid in my mind, and yet it feels so far away.

After the ceremony was done, I remember walking out of the bridal room, and smiling at him. I remember a sweet old man walking by us and saying, "You know you've picked the right one when you smile like that."

I remember Ben taking every opportunity to refer to me as his wife, like he was savoring the word.

I even remember this moment perfectly...

The reception was almost over.
There were no new guests to greet.
Ben was talking to friends.
Not thinking, I went and sat at an empty table by myself.
Almost as soon as I had sat down, he was in front of me.
He asked me if I was tired.
I just smiled.
Then he kissed me.



21 makes 7 years.
I wish we had 7 years.


Thank you, May.

I love Ben.

I guess it's story time tonight!

So, I posted the other masterpiece before this one.
Then I checked FB real quick.
Lizzie B's status made me "lol" for real.

"Spilled beef stew ALL OVER the kitchen floor... the dogs are very happy!!"

Then I went and took a shower; and ended up laughing the whole time.
It reminded me of when I was all prego, and got to be clumsy with legit reason too.
And so I'm back!

Story time!!

December 2006
I was six months along with Jocee, and working 50 hours a week. Awesome. Ben only cooked on special occasions, so we ending up getting takeout a lot.

One night we went to Jason's Deli, because all I wanted was their tomato-basil soup. We had rented a movie, and were going to have dinner on the couch. For no real reason, that cup of soup slipped through my hands and sloshed all over the classy turquoise carpeting (turquoise) and down the side of the couch.

I felt lame, and mostly annoyed that I couldn't eat the soup anymore. I remember saying. "Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! I didn't mean to do that at all! WTF??" (Yes, I really said just the letters, "WTF" and not the whole thing.)

Ben: "It's cool, babe. This is totally normal. You're supposed to drop things."
Ginny: "Wait. What??"
Ben: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's in that What to Expect book."
Ginny: "How did you know this, and not me??"
Ben: "I don't know. You've been dropping stuff a lot."

Soo...I cleaned the mess while he got me more soup...

THEN...

August 2008
I was five months along with Sophie. Jocee was 15 months old, and always underfoot. I was cleaning the bathroom one morning, while she "helped." I went to screw the cap on the glass bottle of olive oil tighter, when it slipped out of my hands and shattered on the floor.

For maybe three seconds I panicked. Jocee was right next to me with little bare feet, and there was oil and glass all around us. Reflexively I balled my fists and let out a, "Ffffffffuuuu!!!!... Uhhh, hi!"

I had looked down mid F-bomb, and saw her big brown eyes looking up at me. She never heard the word. ;)

For weeks thereafter, Jocee would walk around shaking her fists and say, "Fffffff!!"
It really stuck with her...


Now I don't really have an excuse when I drop things.
But for 18 months of my life..I did!

:)

(Note: I had olive oil in the bathroom because I would use anything and everything to prevent stretch marks; IE: cocoa butter, vitamin E oil, Palmers, Shea butter...anything! I'd just use it all, and baste myself like a turkey twice a day. Maybe that's TMI, but whatev! :))

Only Jocee!

Jocee loves looking through our wedding photos.
I let her see them whenever she asks.
The other day she saw this one, and sighed...

Jocee: Oh, Mommy! That was when you and Daddy had your wedding...
Mommy: Yep, it is.
Jocee: You look so beautiful, Mommy! Like a princess!
Mommy: Really?? Thank you, Chicky. Which one? Cinderella?
Jocee: No, Sleeping Beauty! Why didn't Flora turn your dress pink?
Mommy: Umm... I wanted it to be white.
Jocee: You should have let her make it pink for you. Don't let Maryweather make it blue. K?
Mommy: I promise I won't.


I love the way that girly girl thinks.
:)

18 Months

I remember when I was living by the minute; when thinking 18 days ahead of me just couldn't be done. Sometimes I would wonder where I was going to be at the 18 month mark, but that was usually followed by the beginnings of a panic attack (and lots of deep breathing). Just remembering that shock and heartache brings tears to my eyes. I never want to feel like that again, and yet I hope to never ever forget it.

BUT I'm not there anymore. (Remember? :))

I've been slowly building myself up from ground zero. Where I am right now is such a better place to be. It's a huge deal; one worth celebrating. Sure, I might be a little more flighty (and a lot more new-agey), but I'm more grounded at the same time too.

For so long I haven't been able to see very far ahead of me. I remember posting about plans being useless. They just get..."put on hold." This moment is all that matters, and I still believe that. But guess what?? I'm starting to make those plans again, and it's freeing; not scary. The future is brightening again. Going back to school feels doable (and exciting). Single parenting doesn't feel as daunting. There are so many unknowns, but they don't feel intimidating anymore.

I feel myself growing into more of what I've always meant to be (knowing I'm not totally there yet either). I only wish that Ben got to see some of it during his lifetime. I catch myself still apologizing to him for the other me; for depending on him so much, for expecting inhuman things.

The hurt is still there. Little things can still creep up and blindside me. Like two weeks ago when I broke down, as I realized just how much I miss his feet. He seriously had (/has) the cutest, perfect feet... And I miss the way he thought mine were cute too. But those moments aren't derailing anymore. I don't have to post about it as much. It's a lot like T. Thorpe said, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."

So today it has been 18 months. It's a big milestone, and I feel okay. I'm not a useless lump of human stuck on autopilot. The best part is knowing how proud he is of me. I feel him smiling at me, sometimes laughing with me. He's still my very best friend.

I'm going to continue to make him smile. I'm going to be the mother our babies deserve. I'm going to become the me that I've been meaning to be. And I'm going to be happy doing it.

(Note to anyone who gets this: Today's hawk count: 5!!)

I love Ben.
:)

Feeling thankful for...

1. Cell phone cameras
2. Target alarm clocks...
3. Friends who get me.

;)

xo

I've mentioned it before...

But I just really love when I get it!!



Sometimes I just need little reminders.

:)

Mountain Goat

So, remember back (3 days ago) when I posted about Sophie's shiner, and how she inherited my clumsiness. It got me thinking....

I am painfully clumsy. I don't even try to play it off or excuse it.

I keep remembering the first time Ben and I went hiking together. It was at the end of May 2003, and he was dropping his sister off at West Yellowstone. She had got a job at Old Faithful. He had picked me up along the way; any excuse to spend time together. (He wrote Lindsay about it.)

Anyway... While she was at orientation we went for a walk. We happened upon a rocky spot with huge boulders, and immediately Ben wanted climb them.

I remember not feeling very surefooted, and blaming my Roxy sneakers. [Cringe.] But of course Ben was a different story. I tried to hide my awe as I watched him jump from rock to rock like it was effortless. I teased him about being a mountain goat. He smiled. It was cute...

Eventually, we got to the top of one of those boulders. He wanted me to sit with him close to the edge. Have I mentioned how much I hate heights? It was maybe a 30 ft drop, so I insisted on sitting in the center of the boulder. He reluctantly compromised.

I felt silly, and over exposed. What could he possibly be thinking of me? He was adorably agile, and I was just a mess. What if we were too different?

And yet, none of that mattered to him. My flaws had somehow become endearing, redeemable qualities.

I miss that.
I miss him.

I love Ben.