Yesterday

Yesterday I was reminded of something I miss...

These realizations hit me at the most unexpected times. It's overwhelming to think of all the things I miss about him. But when I think of what my girls will miss, my heart breaks again.

A big part of Jocee's night-time routine, was to spend time with Daddy before she went to bed. I was always grateful for this. To me it was Ben's way of helping. I could easily feed Sophie and put her to bed quietly.

But more than helping me, it was Jocee's time to receive one-on-one attention from Ben. They would talk about her day. He would read to her. They would watch her cartoons. During football season, they would even watch football together. I would often hear them both yelling at the TV. Jocee rarely knew exactly what she was cheering for, but it made me smile every time.

Jocee loved the time she spent with her daddy. She would look forward to it each day. And when Ben was away on overnight trips, she missed him.

In short:
I know the awareness of his absence will continually impact me for the rest of all of our lives. My heart aches for all the experiences my girls are robbed of. Ben had so many plans for when they got older (I.E. camping, fishing, hiking, flying etc..). But the subtle day-to-day things are missed the most.

I still don't know how to handle it.
It hits with a paralyzing force.

Merry Christmas to All

...and to all a good night!!

Love,

The Hill Girls

Baby Steps

This cute girl is walking!!

First steps & pictures were taken on Sunday, the 20th!

Now I Understand

I am moved to tears on a daily basis. It's a foregone conclusion. I don't even try to fight them back. While there are plenty of tears brought on by grief and loss, I also find myself overcome with gratitude for all the experiences that I have been given. At 26 years old I have already had the opportunity to marry my life's love and to mother his children.

I loath being pregnant.
It's an ugly, painful, exhausting, seemingly endless 9 months; the only time in my life when I could easily complain for hours on end. I don't glow...without makeup. First trimester "morning sickness" doesn't limit itself to mornings or just the first trimester. Gaining excessive weight is easier than I'd like to admit. My body doesn't just bounce back...without a great deal of self discipline.

But enough complaining! Pregnancy is a necessary task, worth more than all the sacrifice. It is one of life's experiences that I am infinitely grateful for.

Daily I am reminded of how incredible my girls are. I love how different they are from each other. Physically, they have a sisterly resemblance. But this is where the similarities end. And I love that I was given 9 months to get acquainted with each of their sweet spirits before they were born.

First there was Jocelyn...

When I was pregnant with Jocelyn, she moved nearly nonstop. She twisted, she kicked, she punched, she stretched. In each of the ultrasounds we experienced with her, she would gladly show us just how much she liked to shift around. One of the ultrasound technicians had joked about her practicing Yoga at such a young age...

Yet more than her movements, I could feel her constant stream of emotion. I knew when she was happy, annoyed, nervous, or even bored. She seemed to be discontent with the confinement within me. My favorite memories of this pregnancy were the times when I could feel how much she already loved me. I knew that she felt each emotion intensely.

When Jocee was born all of this previous behavior made perfect sense. She came out both kicking and screaming. She never once wanted to be swaddled and would scream each time anyone would try. Each time she cried seemed urgent, and she would laugh equally as intense.

Then there was Sophia...

My pregnancy with Sophie was completely different. In so many ways I felt like I was experiencing pregnancy for the first time. Sometimes the differences would seem to be cause for concern. Sophie never moved as much. In each ultrasound she would stay in the same curled up position, with nearly no movement.

It seemed like my stressors or excitements had no effect on her. The only personality traits that I could gather, was that she was calm and easily content. She seemed completely unphased by external stimulous. Not even sugary foods could convince her to change from her norm.

I knew she would be different. Instinctively I bought several recieving blankets to swaddle her. And when she was born, we used every single one. This little girl barely ever cried. Firm swaddling was usually all it took to get her to sleep straight through the night. To this day, she is easily contented and happy most of the time. But none of this was a shock to me. I knew her before she was born.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully communicate how grateful I am for my girls. They are two constant reminders of Ben, and the love that we have for each other. They are his legacy; his life's greatest accomplishment. I am so very fortunate for the opportunity and privilege of being their mother.

Little Miss Articulate

One word commonly used by others to describe either Ben or me has been articulate. So it shouldn't be any surprise that we would pass this trait onto one (or both) of our kids.

Lately I have been musing over just how well-spoken Jocee is for her age. Not only does she speak in complete sentences, but she is also acutely expressive with what she chooses to say. This little girl has such a big personality.

She is especially good with asserting herself when she is angry, sad, or hurt. I find this ability particularly endearing. So many examples come to mind, but two always seem to stick out in my memory.


The first:
One day in September, Jocee rushed into the kitchen while I was in the process of cooking. She wanted to play, but I had water boiling and chicken grilling. At first I asked her to leave nicely.
Then I offered an incentive.
Then I threatened.
Then I counted to three.
Nothing.
So...I harshly took her by the arm, dragged her away from the stove, and out of the kitchen.
She began to cry, and exclaimed, "You hurt me! Be gentle, Mommy! Be gentle with, me! Be gentle with, Jocee!"

Tears immediately flooded my eyes. At that point Jocee had often heard me tell her to "be gentle with Sophie," while she would play with her. But in this situation I wasn't showing Jocee the same concern, and she knew it.
(Once dinner was done and the kitchen was safe, I hugged her, apologized, and have since resolved to be more gentle. She absolutely deserves it.)


The second:
We moved in with my in-laws on November 7th. It was hectic like most moves are. The day after, both girls had been up most of the night and were extremely fussy. Jocee has always been the more dramatic of the two, and was crying quite a bit.
After a while I impatiently said, "Jocee! Will you just be quiet?!"
Without missing a beat, she sweetly said, "No, Mommy. I'm crying. I need a cry!"

Again, a realization hit me. All throughout this process I have tried not to cry when I'm around Jocee. I've wanted her to know that we are all going to be okay. But despite my effort, I have cried in front of her...several times. Each time she has been patient with me, and has never reacted negatively (not once). On some level she understands that everyone needs to cry sometimes, and that it's completely acceptable.


I am just so honored to be Jocee's mother. At 2 1/2 years old her simple insights, and view of the world seem so poetically profound. I love that she is able to articulate herself, even in difficult situations. I love the things she comes up with everyday. I love listening to her cute little voice. I love everything about her. She is amazing!