21 October 2010

21 Oct 2009

(DISCLAIMER: This is long. I won't care if no one ever reads it.)

I've thought about that day, every single day for the last year.

I remember waking up tired, hoping the day would go by fast.

Sophie cried out, "Daddyyyy!" and Ben quickly went to her. I was glad that he did. Getting out of bed was hard. It was cloudy outside, and I didn't like it.

Ben left for work. I gave the girls their baths and breakfast. While they watched cartoons, I quickly mopped the floors.

He came home soon after I had started his laundry. I asked him if he liked the way the new floor cleaner smelled. It was supposed to smell like lavender. He had hated the lemony stuff I was using before. He shrugged indifferently and told me he was going to take a nap.

Later I went upstairs with the first load of clean laundry to put away. He was sitting in bed with the laptop. We smiled at each other while I started folding.

He mentioned that the owner of the offending plane wanted to start flying again.
The plane has just had work done, and it was ready to be flown again.
And so this...gentleman....
(whom I have not heard from since)....wanted to fly again.

I sat down at the desktop and quickly responded to a few emails.
He told me I looked cute.
I rolled my eyes.
He just smiled.

I went downstairs and got busy with babies and more Ben laundry. I can't remember most of that day. But I do remember when he left. He came downstairs and put his shoes on. He explained where he was going. He was going to fly the plane from Provo to Spanish Fork and come right home. He told me he'd be back before dinner.

We weakly said, "Bye," as he walked out the door. He'd be home soon.


At 4:00 pm I started feeling agitated. Maybe he was on his way back. I wanted to call him, but couldn't find my phone.

I looked at the clock at 4:12 pm, right before I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I just reminded myself that he'd be home soon. I washed my face and looked in the mirror. I decided some makeup would make me feel better.

By 5:54 pm I decided dinner was going to happen without him. Jocee asked for eggs so I went along with it.

I was in the middle of scrambling when Breaking News came on at 6:00 pm.

Both girls started crying, so I only heard key points.
  • Single engine plane crash...
  • Provo airport...
  • After 4:00 pm...
  • Pilot killed....
  • No one else on board...
  • Believed to be a local pilot...
  • People are sad...
  • Family needs to be notified.
Quietly I said to myself, "Ben that is not you. You are not leaving me. You're coming home to tell me what that loser did wrong." I wondered if Ben saw the crash. Wouldn't he call me?? All the facts started to sink in. But it had to be wrong.

I gave the girls dinner.
And then I panicked.
I ran upstairs and checked KSL.
What if I was Family? What if this pilot didn't have a name yet because they had to tell me first?

I came downstairs and started pacing. My phone was on the TV stand. I called Ben. No answer.


And then there was the gentle tap on the door.
I opened it, and saw a young cop with a woman to his left.

All I could say was, "My husband is dead."
[His eyes widened as he took a step back.]
"So that thing I just saw is wrong. I'm not the family. He's okay?!"

The cop asked to come in. He never said the words. He just nodded, and apologized. The woman who was with him, explained that she was a grief counselor. She offered to make phone calls for me, but I told her not to.

I called my parents first. (I hung up before they could ask questions.)
Then Ben's dad.
Then his youngest sister.

I was glad she was too shocked to react. Maybe that meant this was all just a sick joke. Everyone would be mad at me when Ben came home. She offered to make the rest of the phone calls for me, and I agreed. I didn't want to hear anyone cry.

Another sister called. She was so hysterical that I couldn't fully understand her. I decided that if she was upset then it had to be real.

I remember so clearly watching several people with tear-filled faces, dressed in pilot uniforms approach the door and come inside. They somberly introduced themselves; some hugged me. They had known 2 hours longer than I did. I wondered why they could cry and I couldn't.

A lot of people came over that night. When most left I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn't start. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Did it mean I didn't care?

I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of Ben leaving mortality. I spent most of that first night in the bathroom. And when I wasn't, I replayed the day's events over and over and over.

I wish I didn't do any laundry.
I wish I cuddled with him instead.
I wish I told him how much I love him and always will.

I wish I stopped him from leaving.
I wish I came up with a reason for him to stay home.
I wish I let the air out of his tires.

I still wish he never walked out that door. He took so much of me with him.

8 comments:

The Scribbles said...

Ginny you are in my thoughts and prayers. You have an amazing way with words. I wish we had the answers as to why Ben left mortality. I am sure that eventually we will know. I love you and I am here if you need me. Ben knows you love him. He is with you and your girls all the time!!

The Staheli's said...

I've been following your blog for a year now. You and I have never met. The blog world is interesting like that. I was one of Terisa's best friends growing up and her family is like mine. I have been so impressed with you through this last year. Ben was, and is, lucky to have you & those beautiful girls...
At the funeral I remember looking at you wondering how in the world you were going to do it. I have a daughter a little older than Jocee and I tear up reading your posts, just for that reason. But again...you have so impressed me. Your courage is inspiring and I'm sure Ben is so proud of you.

I hope it's not weird that I am commenting, but I figured after a year, I should probably at least say hello. :)

siovhan said...

Gin -- I love you. Thank you for your example, your strength, your heart and your wisdom.

This thought, honestly, made me stop cleaning my room last night and snuggle with my boyfriend.

Thank you for being you. I'm grateful to call you my friend. My heart and prayers are with you.

stephG said...

Ginny, you and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. I know it's been such a long time since H.S. But I'll always care and worry about those that god has put in my life for one reason or another, especially the ones like yourself that were good friends to me. I never met ben or your little girls but I know that they are all for grateful, appreciative of you and truly love you. You truly are an inspiration. Again I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers an if you ever need anything, really don't hesitate, I'm always around even if u just need someone to talk to or laugh with. Take care (and your girls are gorgeous :-) )

Anonymous said...

I am in tears right now, Ginny. You are the strongest person I know. I have witnessed a lot of tragedy this year but I dont think anything compares to what you have been through. When I woke up yesterday morning I immediately thought of you. I remember where I was that day a year ago when I found out. You are always in my prayers. God Bless you and your beautiful family.

CandiShack said...

Hey Ginny, I am a little late. But I've been thinking about you. I'm glad you got to go to Utah and I hope it gives you what you need to continue moving. You are an inspiration, and you ARE strong. Your girls are adorable and I'm glad you have them. We love you!

Tracie said...

Many prayers for you. I don't know you, but I read your blog. And of course, I read every word.

Stay strong. We're here for you - strangers and friends - to hold you up when you can't do it yourself.

God bless.

Mountainbiker587 said...

Hey Ginni,


I was surfing Jetcareers tonight and came across some posts of Ben, then looked for more. I never knew him, but was one of the many who considered him a family to us. We miss him and all still think about him. He is watching over all of us now.

Thanks for keeping this blog going!