Lately I've felt stagnant and frustrated. Ben has been gone for 17 months, and on the surface there hasn't been any real progression. The three of us are still living with my parents, and I have yet to go back to school. I wonder if I'm grieving fast enough. Am I subconsciously choosing to hold myself back??
But less than 2 weeks ago, I was able to get rid of those wasted emotions.
While in UT, T. Thorpe and I did our usual. ---We went for energy massages from one of my favorite people (then we hit up a health food store, got some soy ice cream & got caught up on our shows. Ha!!). Anyway, I've known this favorite for 5 or 6 years now. And in the more recent months she has tried to remind me of how...okay and "together" I am. Something she said finally stuck with me.
"You've been so hurt, but you've sorted through so much. I know you've been through the, 'It wasn't supposed to be this way.' Feeling angry because you weren't supposed to be a single parent with these girls. I'm sure at one point you didn't even want to exist. You wanted to disappear. But you're not there anymore."
Tears instantly fell. Because even though I never told her, she knew and she was right.
I'm not there anymore.
And so even though I may still have days when I feel overwhelmed and a little defeated, those emotions are of little consequence. Rather I can look at all of those things that may be invisible to everyone but me, and know...I have come a long way.
Where I am right at this very moment is perfect (and obviously not forever).
But less than 2 weeks ago, I was able to get rid of those wasted emotions.
While in UT, T. Thorpe and I did our usual. ---We went for energy massages from one of my favorite people (then we hit up a health food store, got some soy ice cream & got caught up on our shows. Ha!!). Anyway, I've known this favorite for 5 or 6 years now. And in the more recent months she has tried to remind me of how...okay and "together" I am. Something she said finally stuck with me.
"You've been so hurt, but you've sorted through so much. I know you've been through the, 'It wasn't supposed to be this way.' Feeling angry because you weren't supposed to be a single parent with these girls. I'm sure at one point you didn't even want to exist. You wanted to disappear. But you're not there anymore."
Tears instantly fell. Because even though I never told her, she knew and she was right.
I'm not there anymore.
And so even though I may still have days when I feel overwhelmed and a little defeated, those emotions are of little consequence. Rather I can look at all of those things that may be invisible to everyone but me, and know...I have come a long way.
Where I am right at this very moment is perfect (and obviously not forever).
2 comments:
You are strong and you are capable. You have to be - there are two beautiful girls on Earth and a handsome man in Heaven relying on you to keep going...and another man up there who is making sure you have that strength.
You hang in there and keep your head up. I pray for you often. <3
Sweet of you, Danielle! Thank you. And I often tell people that I get by with a lot of a help from above. :)
xo
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