15 November 2008

Sophie was 10 days old.

It was probably 9:30 pm. I fed her, burped her, and put her in her crib.
Then I went and took a shower.

Twenty minutes later, Ben was holding her. She was screaming and unable to catch her breath. Something was wrong. My mom was visiting and told me that she had spit up, and was having problems breathing. It was her idea to call 911.

The operator that I spoke to was concerned and sent an ambulance. What took them maybe five minutes to get to us, felt like forever. The paramedics examined her.  She was wheezing so they wanted to take her to the hospital to make sure she was okay. I went with them. Adrenaline kicked in. Game face.

For maybe two hours I was totally calm and collected.  I answered all of the social worker's questions with ease.  I kept it together while the ditsy radiology tech tried to take x-rays.  I didn't flinch while I pinned her down so that the respiratory specialist could stick tubes down her nose.

I was just happy that she was okay.  Everything came back good.  I was relieved.

Then Ben walked in the room.  All of a sudden this huge rush of real relief came over me.   As soon as I saw him tears had rushed down my face.  I felt stupid for crying, after knowing everything was fine.  He hugged me anyway.  I felt normal again.



So here I am...almost 3 years after everything changed.  I can list dozens of blog-worthy reasons why I'm so okay now, why my new normal is good, how effing kick-A I am.

Then the last two weeks happen (or maybe it's just been a crazy month or two).  Things get a little heavy.  But I'm okay.  I've totally got this. 

But there's still this small part of me that knows if Ben walked through the door, I'd burst into tears.  That game face I haven't realized I'm wearing could come off for a minute.  He'd look so calm.  I'd for sure feel stupid for crying.  He'd hug me anyway, and I might feel normal again.


For now, this will have to do.

8 Years Ago

"Send me letters from above.

Send me strength, send me love, such a sweet love.

Sing me songs that echo in my head and in my heart,

that's where you are."

Vertical Horizon 

Sometimes

Ya know...

I still look at photos and love the way his cute ears stuck out when he smiled.

I still laugh at how silly we could be.

When I paint my toes, I still think of those perfect feet with the Teva tan lines.

I still get teary when I think of little things he did to take care of me.
And I just have to throw a "Thank you!!" out into the universe.


I'm grateful that I can still remember subtle things, and I'm grateful someone loved (loves) me that way.

So, March happened...

March was busy!

I took the girls on a three week trip with me.--Not the most well thought out plan ever. Traveling with kids is my absolute least favorite thing to do. Just ask T. Thorpe! But overall, it was good!

I got spotlighted on Mommy Models Blog! I felt so honored! It's such a cute blog, and I love what they do. I was pretty nervous at first, but Emily put me right at ease. Love her.

Oh, I got in my first car accident! I totally got rear-ended...at a stop light...on Main St...in Springville. And I actually felt bad for the frazzled mom that hit me (in her white minivan, of course).

I reluctantly went to that widow/widower conference again. Surprisingly, I was glad I did. It was a lot funner this year. The two year mark really is a good place to be. :)

Oh, and despite the craziness, I got a 99.4 in my Health Care Management class. Yay for that! My GPA looks more like this now...

And I graduate on Ben's birthday, 2013.
Maybe I'll pretend I have a blog again then.

Maybe.

:)

I'm just so retweetable!!

I'm not a big tweeter. People will follow me, and then drop me days later from boredom. No biggie. Tweeting for followers would be exhausting. And I'm not much of a people pleaser.

So...last night I was catching up on DVR'ed Dr. Oz episodes.
I was so excited for today's show with Dr. Mercola. He's so legit, and his advice has really helped me. He's one of my favorite people to follow. I just had to tweet him.

So here it is...
My .0015 minutes of fame :)

So nice of him. :)

:)

Ben used to sing it to me when we were engaged. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not. His singing voice was as bad as mine, and I always thought the song was painfully cheesy.

But he was serious. And adorable.



Like an answer to a prayer, now I get to hear it right when I need it. I hear that tone-deaf voice in my head, too. And I can't help but smile.

I love Ben.
:)

Win

Pharmacist: "What was the weight?"
Ginny: "15 minutes."
Pharmacists: "Haha! I meant the weight of the child. Haha..."
Ginny: "Oh! 40 pounds! Ha..."


He called me, "Miss Hill." :)

What's my deal?

I hate crying. I hate puffy eyes and stuffy noses. And when there's real grief, I hate that no cry ever makes me feel better.

I do love to be busy. School has been perfect for me.
I adore people who make me laugh. Like these two little amazing people who think so highly of me.
I love not thinking too far ahead. I avoid thinking of my girls' future at all costs.


But when someone asks me questions, with genuine concern, and really wants to know the answers, I lose composure.


Q. How am I with missing Ben?
A. One hot mess who forgot to wear waterproof mascara.

Q. What is my biggest regret?
A. Being such an idealist. Life isn't meant to be perfect. I am not expected to be perfect.

Q. What is my biggest worry?
A. (After clearing the snot and waterworks...) I try to stay in the present moment. I can't control the future. My biggest worry is not for me.

Ginny Moments

Have you ever tried to blame your blondish hair on a legit personality quirk?

Have you ever smeared turmeric all over your face and then posted photos to your blog, just to later find out how much people Google "turmeric facials"??

Have you ever had a BFF just not get your kind of humor??


Have you ever questioned why your favorite Masshole keeps calling you a "Utahhhd" when it's clearly, UtaRd??



Have you ever been accused of being a little too much like a certain drag queen??


Have you ever thought you were in the wrong month? Like got MLK day mixed up with President's day? And then didn't send your kid to school for a few extra days?



Oh, you haven't??
Good. Neither have I.

This will never get old.

Thanks, Lesley!!

:)

Better-er

So, I was driving around doing mundane errands by myself...deep in thought (my usual MO), when I realized that I really am getting better...in legit, measurable ways.

And I so love it.

I'm laughing more like I used to.---More often, and at appropriate times. ;)

I donated my I-haven't-eaten-in-5 1/2-months jeans. That emaciated look wasn't good on me, and I don't anticipate it making a comeback.

I changed my play list! The original was getting bastardized with non-Ben-approved songs. (Like he would listen to Jessie J!) Those melancholy songs don't resemble me anymore! Yay!

At my 10 year high school reunion a lot of people didn't know about my widow status, and I didn't feel the need to tell them.

I don't feel the need to tell anyone, really. It's a life altering event, but it's not who I am.

And if it does come up in conversation, I will do my best to make the other person feel comfortable. No need for awkward moments.

I'm still soo glad I didn't brand my blog! (sadlittleblondewidow dot blogspot dot com... Hah!!)

I've considered leaving the widow forum I joined two years ago. I've never been a big contributor anyway. And that conference was mostly a drag. Introductions felt like prison. Instead of the, "Whatcha in for?" it was a somber, "So what happened? How long has it been?" Yikes.

I'm breathing easier. Literally.


There was a part of me that thought that letting go of some of the pain would be bittersweet. Necessary, but still kind of awful. Everyone told me, "Time heals" (blah, blah, blah, blah). But I was so afraid that would prove to mean that time would rob me of my love for him. Time would take away the sound of his voice or the way his hands felt when they held mine. Because it can't hurt if you forget it was there.

Instead it's more of a gift. I've sat with this grief, and acknowledged it in every way I know how. The weight of it can start to shift now. It will always be a part of me, but it doesn't need to be the biggest part. It shouldn't be. Allowing myself to be defined and kept back isn't good for anyone. Things that break are meant to either be thrown away or fixed.

I'm in the "To Be Fixed" pile.

I was made to be happy. There will be far more happy moments than sad.


I love Ben.
:)

No.

Does this look like "random pictures of people at walmart"??

.....

I know! Right?

People, Google something more worthwhile.
Walmart lowers your IQ 10 points.

Thank you, 2011!

Isn't this photo so cheesy?! Ha! So is my title!

2011 started off feeling a lot like 2010, but I'm really glad it didn't end up that way. I remember talking to a friend in May. She was talking about how much she loved being in her 50s, and it made me wish I could just fast-forward 20 years. But since that's not an option, I've decided to embrace each year as an opportunity to grow into who I should be. From that vantage point 2011 was everything it needed to be.

• The widow brain fog started lifting.

• And because I could feel myself thinking more clearly, I made plans.
  

• And because I had legit plans, I started school!

(I know I mentioned it already, but it's the best GPA I've had...ever! It's the first time I've cared about school too...)

• Getting proactive felt right (and good).

(Not that I didn't figure that one out 2+ years ago.)

• I learned to be kinder to myself; meaning more patient. Things don't have to happen as quickly as I want them to.

• I learned more of what it means to sacrifice for your child when they need you. It's limitless.
  

• I got a little reckless... And learned how much I love it!!

(And jumpsuits make everything that much more fabulous.)

• I cut energy drainers out, and replaced them with funner people.

(Side note: If you're playing the role of victim in your life, in need of a therapist, or can't stop being such a drag...we're not meant to be! But I wish you all the best! :))

• This statement couldn't be truer!
  

Hahahaha!! It's a T. Thorpe original.

• I adopted a mantra.

It will be.


Love.
xoxo

What have I been up to??

Hi, friends!!

I'm still alive! Shocker, huh?? I bet you thought I'd never post again, didn't you??!

Let's play catchup! And maybe I'll post in more detail later. (No promises! :))

In September Jocee started preschool!
+
She loves it, and has made a lot of friends. Everyday she begs me to practice writing with her, and can sound words out like a pro. At parent-teacher conference her teacher complimented me on working with her. But I really can't take the credit. She is so eager to learn.

October was fun.

Clearly I've been rockin' at this single mom business.

I jumped out of a Twin Otter with Hawt Guy again.

It was so much more fun the second time!! Everyone needs to do it...twice! And I've decided I need to get certified. Need. Soon.

On the 21st I flew away to Loma Linda (and San Diego). I just fit there.

And vegan cousins and funny aunts make for good distractions.
Side Note: If you're in an airport (like T.F. Green on October 21st) and you go to Starbucks...and order a soy chai latte and a fruit cup..it just might cost you...

LOVE :)

November was kind of unbloggable.

Buggy turned 3!! (I.O.U: 1 blog post!)
But I spent a lot of that time proactively worrying about her. It's all good now though! So, yay!!

I learned more uses for turmeric.

Seriously, try this! It's ahhmazing!

After being Supermom I went to my 10 year high school reunion.

Not my most photogenic night, but such a good one! After 10 years, 2 kids, and bucket loads of crapola, everyone thought I looked the same! Woot!


Oh...and the biggest reason why I haven't blogged...
I went back to school! Started in August.

12 credits: DONE! And I'm scheduled to graduate in less that two years. (Thennn I need a Master's.) So excited!

Ok, ok... So that and I've been pinning.

Best vision board ever!



So that's what I've been up to.
2011 really has been a good year.
I'll post more later.

I've missed you guys!!
xoxo

7 Days

That two year mark is looming.

Except..it's not really looming at all. Last year was so different. I knew it would be the conclusion of the hardest, most gut-wrenching year of my life. So I made plans.

• I flew to Utah.
• I stayed with my BFF (and laugh-cried a lot!).
• I went to the crash site (and listened to the radio on the way).
• I cleared his marker.
• ...and I didn't do any of it alone. :)
  

It was all about him, and it was perfect. Everything I needed to put my denial card away, and embrace all that the next year would bring me.

.........................................................................................................................

And here I am, about to complete another difficult year.

But with all the (not-yet-bloggable) good that this month has brought, I just can't cry like I did then. I'm too filled with gratitude to leave room for self pity.

I can still love him. I can still miss and ache for him (and heck yes, I will still cry). But I don't have to feel paralyzed or derailed. And it's one of the best realizations ever.

Hurting less doesn't mean I'm loving him less. In so many ways, my love for him has only grown stronger.

I don't want to be defined by the worst day of my life.
I don't want Ben to be defined by the last flight he took.
(And I know Ben doesn't want those things for me either.)

Life is about choice, and this is mine...


This is my new life, and I want to live it.

"Mommy, just be Rapunzel!!"

Mommy is a Disney Princess.
Buggy is sure of it.

It's October

October is hard.
Lots of flashbacks, lots of tears.

I think of all the things we were doing at this time two years ago, and I just wish I hugged him a little tighter, kissed him a little longer, and told him how much I love him...more. I wish I savored him more. And the finality crushes me.

But I've blogged it all.
I'm sure no one needs a rerun.
Must I always be that sad little blonde widow??

October is hard, but this month has brought so much sweetness. I feel his love all around me (and my love and gratitude for him only get stronger). I feel things falling into place. I feel me becoming more of who I should be.

And all of it just overshadows the ugly.

In those sweet, quiet moments I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
And I am.

I love Ben.

:)

Happy birthday, Sister!

Dear Laura,

23 was a crazy year, huh?

You finished school and got a real job...

You got to be the hot teacher...


You got a dog...(and named him Wu Tang. Seriously??)


You've dealt with more loss...(and embraced life a little harder).

You did things that scared your pants off...

Thanks for going with me, by the way!

I'd say you've accomplished a lot.

Happy birthday!!
The Hill girls love you!!

Love,
Ginny

Did I get demoted??

I keep getting mail addressed to, Ms. Ginny Hill.

What's the deal??

Just because Hubby is on The Other Side, doesn't mean I'm a Mszzzz!

"Ms." is for...

1. Young single women who grew into...older single women (and willingly opted out of "Miss").
   
2. Neo-femi-nazis who don't want to change their last names after sealing the deal. It's all the rage.
   
3. And now widows??
   

WTFreak?


On a happy note...
Jocee got accepted to my top choice for preschool!
She is soo excited!

(And so I will shrug that envelope addressed to Ms. Ginny Hill off.)

If a Ms. is what I am now...I will rock it.

:)

Krystina's Kikis

Krystina is one of my sister's best friends.

On February 28th, she passed away suddenly in a car accident. She was just 23.

Family is everything to Krystina. Her 5 year old cousin, Jesse has battled stage IV Neuroblastoma for two years now. His treatment and progress were always top priority to her. She played an active role in his life, and was always mindful of him.



A huge source of comfort for Jesse has been his fleece Cars no-sew blanket (aka "kiki"). He has brought it along to all of his treatments and overnight hospital stays.

Knowing this, and wanting to honor Krystina's memory, a goal has been set.
Her mother, Toni has founded "Krystina's Kikis." On Krystina's birthday (October 5th), Toni plans to deliver fleece no-sew blankets to every pediatric oncology patient admitted to Children's Hospital Boston.

I would like to ask all who can, to please donate. They are accepting donations through paypal, and 100% of the proceeds are going to the materials to make the blankets.

For more info...
Krystina's Kikis

Like on Facebook: Krystina's Kikis
In the area? Krystina's Kiki Making Party

Please help Toni reach her goal.
It's a wonderful way to honor Krystina's memory, and help sick children at the same time.


xoxo

Because I don't really blog anymore...

I've been super busy, and I don't even want to blog about it.

This is my first time even logging into blogger all week.
See? Busy. But who isn't??

Hmm...how about an unflattering update?? ;)

On my hair...
It's way too short right now! I love the cut, but it's about two inches too short all over. If anyone has any ideas for growing hair out, please tell me about them! Please. I've added Biotin and silica to the my supplement regimen. I'm using a hair growth shampoo (I know! Probably a gimmick!). And I'm avoiding my straightener like the plague. (Sad face!)

On my complexion...
I'm really glad that the cystic planet that showed up on the side of my nose earlier this week, is almost gone now. Yay for salicylic acid! It was practically casting it's own shadow. I even contemplated renting out add space on it. Your local business would have gotten LOTS of exposure. ;)

On Big Foot sightings...
You would not believe the skeeze factor that has been seeking me out. OR how painfully naive I am! I'll take 90% of the blame on this one! It's foolish to think that members of the opposite sex, who spam your inbox and FB wall and ask for your number, just want something platonic. And then when there's mention of going to the beach sometime, because the beaches would love me... Yeah. Stop trying to picture me in a bikini!! (Patti Stanger would have a ton to say about that freak show.)
Super grateful to the friends who posed an intervention! Love you girls!!
Lesson learned: When faced with a Sasquatch, avoid friendly conversation.

On the weather...
I went to Walmart yesterday for some last minute essentials (i.e. my two week supply of water). The things I saw other people buy made me laugh, and prompted this status: "Milk, bread, popsicles, ice cream, microwave popcorn, Slim Jims, Diet Coke... I am so ready for this biatch!!"

On my BFFs...
T. Thorpe and some other favorites, didn't get that status. Within minutes she texted...
"How are u going to pop popcorn??"
Then...
"Oh wait, generator??"
Then when she realized that those are all foods I wouldn't eat ever, we went back and forth trying to think of even grosser, more random foods that the people of Walmart might stock up on for a natural disaster. Love her! And clearly my blonde moments are contagious! I felt just a little misunderstood. hehe :)

On my babes...
Just because I adore them, and there's nothing unflattering about them, and this post could use some of their sweetness...


Welcome to my silly life. :)

xo

PS...

To the majority of you that didn't get that inside joke posted on 8/17...

It's the Lazy Sunday SNL skit!


That was one of Ben's favorite junk food snacks. So naturally this was one of his favorite SNL skits. He'd sing it every time he got Redvines and DP.

I would get soo annoyed! haha




(Thanks to my friend, Ryanne! Not only did she get it right away, but she knew the name of the skit, too.)

:)

30+2

Bennys,

Thank you for being born 32 years ago.

And thank you for calling Polly back 23 years later.

Thank you for loving all of me.

Thank you for two perfect babies.

Thank you for reminding me that you love me still. I'm sorry I was was a bottomless pit there, for a while...

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Happy birthday.

Love,
Ginnys

A Typical In-Flight Meal

"It's all about the Hamiltons, baby!"


(Note: If anyone gets this, you are my hero.)

:)

Sometimes, I jump out of airplanes...

Here's the deal... With Ben's birthday creeping up on me, I haven't quite known what to do with myself.

So, my solution?? Something totally out of character. Something to get me way outside of my comfort zone. (For five minutes, I even contemplated a tattoo. But I'm too...noncommittal. And I can just picture the girls eventually wanting one...or 50. Yikes!)

Anway! Jumping out of a perfectly good plane, (while strapped to a guy, strapped to a parachute) made perfect sense! ;) And I kind of always wanted to. It's one of those bucket list items.


Dad and Laura jumped, too!
He has wanted to for...forever, and she actually went two weeks before we did (and loved it).


When I first met my instructor, and he was going over the basics with me, I asked him, "So, can we do a back flip?! I think that will help me be less nervous!"

He just kind of looked at me confused and slowly nodded, "We...can do a flip..."
(Maybe he wasn't expecting that! But eventually I think he got me. :))

I've decided that skydiving people are the funnest people! It was impossible to not have fun, too! Everyone laughed, joked, and chugged Red Bull on the way up!


Actually jumping was crazy, and too fun for words!

Once the parachute deployed, he told me I did really good. He even complimented me on not screaming. Ha!! I got to steer, too!

THEN he told me that I should look into getting certified, because I have the personality for it (??!!). After brushing him off, I realized he was completely serious! So most of the conversation down was about what it takes to jump alone. How much ground time... How many jumps... How safe it really is...

I think he talked me into it!


Anyway, I have over 100 amazing photos, but this video will have to do!


Apart from marrying Ben, and having two perfect babies....
Funnest thing ever!

:)