Last night...
(while on the phone with T. Thorpe)
T: "This is totally random and off-subject... But isn't it so weird when you have two friends who look the same?"
G: "Yeah. But it's pretty rare. Ben once saw his look-alike at some airport...in Vegas, I think. He said the guy looked just like him, but a little shorter."
T: "How do you think you would react if you saw Ben's look-alike now?"
G: "Oh, that'll never happen!"
T: "You should really think about that, because at some point I'm sure it will."
Today
I saw him...grocery shopping.
I was making my way back over to the almond milk; I needed just one more half gallon. He was standing at a freezer retrieving some random food item. He was maybe 10 feet away when I stopped, unable to take another step.
The likenesses were bewildering.
In a matter of seconds my mind flooded with incoherent thoughts.
Not my Benny!
Not my Benny!
Ashes in the ground in Springville.
Benny, I wish it were you. I wish you were here in that way. I'd run to you and jump in your arms, and you wouldn't let me go either...
I quickly turned down some random aisle like it was deliberate, and tried to look interested in whatever was before me. My mind was completely blank. I forgot why I was there, and what I was there for.
I counted the months since the plane crash, 7 & 1/2.
If October 21st went differently, I wouldn't be shopping for almond milk, because I wouldn't know what it is. I wouldn't be vegan, because my stomach wouldn't be a chronic mess. I wouldn't be at this grocery store....3,000 miles away.
Those familiar, immature "Why?" questions resurfaced.
I loath them; useless and unproductive. Even if I could get their answers, it wouldn't change anything. My reality remains the same.
I have days when I wake up and feel normal. I make a mental inventory of the things to get done. I feel confident that I can accomplish it all, hopeful for this day ahead.
And then something simple happens, and I realize that I am not. This grief is ugly, and I have yet to fully conquer it. Whatever my new normal is, I haven't found it yet.
(while on the phone with T. Thorpe)
T: "This is totally random and off-subject... But isn't it so weird when you have two friends who look the same?"
G: "Yeah. But it's pretty rare. Ben once saw his look-alike at some airport...in Vegas, I think. He said the guy looked just like him, but a little shorter."
T: "How do you think you would react if you saw Ben's look-alike now?"
G: "Oh, that'll never happen!"
T: "You should really think about that, because at some point I'm sure it will."
Today
I saw him...grocery shopping.
I was making my way back over to the almond milk; I needed just one more half gallon. He was standing at a freezer retrieving some random food item. He was maybe 10 feet away when I stopped, unable to take another step.
The likenesses were bewildering.
- Hair color (and cut)
- Complexion
- 5-o-clock shadow
- Glasses
- Side profile
- Mannerisms
- Stance
- Walk
In a matter of seconds my mind flooded with incoherent thoughts.
Not my Benny!
Not my Benny!
Ashes in the ground in Springville.
Benny, I wish it were you. I wish you were here in that way. I'd run to you and jump in your arms, and you wouldn't let me go either...
I quickly turned down some random aisle like it was deliberate, and tried to look interested in whatever was before me. My mind was completely blank. I forgot why I was there, and what I was there for.
I counted the months since the plane crash, 7 & 1/2.
If October 21st went differently, I wouldn't be shopping for almond milk, because I wouldn't know what it is. I wouldn't be vegan, because my stomach wouldn't be a chronic mess. I wouldn't be at this grocery store....3,000 miles away.
Those familiar, immature "Why?" questions resurfaced.
I loath them; useless and unproductive. Even if I could get their answers, it wouldn't change anything. My reality remains the same.
I have days when I wake up and feel normal. I make a mental inventory of the things to get done. I feel confident that I can accomplish it all, hopeful for this day ahead.
And then something simple happens, and I realize that I am not. This grief is ugly, and I have yet to fully conquer it. Whatever my new normal is, I haven't found it yet.
1 comment:
I am continually amazed by your ability to share your thoughts and feelings! I am so blessed to know you and to be able to read your story to witness your strenghth. Grief is so random and so unexpected. I keep you and the girls in my daily prayers! I love you and hope to be able to see you in a few weeks after school gets out!!
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