Part of My Process

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.

Peter Ustinov


As I've mentioned before, there have been so many difficult emotions to deal with.
A little more than a month ago, I found myself angry with Ben.
I have never been angry at him for the plane crash.
I know that he did absolutely everything right in the situation.

But I've been angry at him nonetheless.
Angry for every time I didn't feel like a priority.
Angry at the ways he may have procrastinated, or wasted time.

Simply put, time is not something we were given enough of.
We expected our life together to be like so many others...longer.

I was left with unresolved feelings, and without him to help me resolve them.
Sure, I could go talk to someone about it.
But that "someone" would not be Ben.
~
About three weeks ago, I made the decision to forgive him.
I wasn't going to carry these resentful feelings another day.
Whenever I reflect on our marriage, there is far more good than bad.
Why should I let anything overshadow all the joy we experienced together?

And then something amazing happened.
During that same tear-filled night, a clear thought resonated deep within me.
You have done the same to him.
There were times when I neglected to make Ben feel like a priority.
I also squandered some of this time we were given.
If he were put on my side of this tragedy, he could so easily be angry with me for all the same reasons.

For so many, it is part of the human condition; to think that tomorrow is guaranteed.
This experience has taught us both, that it is not.
I will not let the mistakes either of us made in the past hold me back any longer.

I will remember only the good.
I will leave out all the rest.