Now I Understand

I am moved to tears on a daily basis. It's a foregone conclusion. I don't even try to fight them back. While there are plenty of tears brought on by grief and loss, I also find myself overcome with gratitude for all the experiences that I have been given. At 26 years old I have already had the opportunity to marry my life's love and to mother his children.

I loath being pregnant.
It's an ugly, painful, exhausting, seemingly endless 9 months; the only time in my life when I could easily complain for hours on end. I don't glow...without makeup. First trimester "morning sickness" doesn't limit itself to mornings or just the first trimester. Gaining excessive weight is easier than I'd like to admit. My body doesn't just bounce back...without a great deal of self discipline.

But enough complaining! Pregnancy is a necessary task, worth more than all the sacrifice. It is one of life's experiences that I am infinitely grateful for.

Daily I am reminded of how incredible my girls are. I love how different they are from each other. Physically, they have a sisterly resemblance. But this is where the similarities end. And I love that I was given 9 months to get acquainted with each of their sweet spirits before they were born.

First there was Jocelyn...

When I was pregnant with Jocelyn, she moved nearly nonstop. She twisted, she kicked, she punched, she stretched. In each of the ultrasounds we experienced with her, she would gladly show us just how much she liked to shift around. One of the ultrasound technicians had joked about her practicing Yoga at such a young age...

Yet more than her movements, I could feel her constant stream of emotion. I knew when she was happy, annoyed, nervous, or even bored. She seemed to be discontent with the confinement within me. My favorite memories of this pregnancy were the times when I could feel how much she already loved me. I knew that she felt each emotion intensely.

When Jocee was born all of this previous behavior made perfect sense. She came out both kicking and screaming. She never once wanted to be swaddled and would scream each time anyone would try. Each time she cried seemed urgent, and she would laugh equally as intense.

Then there was Sophia...

My pregnancy with Sophie was completely different. In so many ways I felt like I was experiencing pregnancy for the first time. Sometimes the differences would seem to be cause for concern. Sophie never moved as much. In each ultrasound she would stay in the same curled up position, with nearly no movement.

It seemed like my stressors or excitements had no effect on her. The only personality traits that I could gather, was that she was calm and easily content. She seemed completely unphased by external stimulous. Not even sugary foods could convince her to change from her norm.

I knew she would be different. Instinctively I bought several recieving blankets to swaddle her. And when she was born, we used every single one. This little girl barely ever cried. Firm swaddling was usually all it took to get her to sleep straight through the night. To this day, she is easily contented and happy most of the time. But none of this was a shock to me. I knew her before she was born.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully communicate how grateful I am for my girls. They are two constant reminders of Ben, and the love that we have for each other. They are his legacy; his life's greatest accomplishment. I am so very fortunate for the opportunity and privilege of being their mother.