What's my deal?

I hate crying. I hate puffy eyes and stuffy noses. And when there's real grief, I hate that no cry ever makes me feel better.

I do love to be busy. School has been perfect for me.
I adore people who make me laugh. Like these two little amazing people who think so highly of me.
I love not thinking too far ahead. I avoid thinking of my girls' future at all costs.


But when someone asks me questions, with genuine concern, and really wants to know the answers, I lose composure.


Q. How am I with missing Ben?
A. One hot mess who forgot to wear waterproof mascara.

Q. What is my biggest regret?
A. Being such an idealist. Life isn't meant to be perfect. I am not expected to be perfect.

Q. What is my biggest worry?
A. (After clearing the snot and waterworks...) I try to stay in the present moment. I can't control the future. My biggest worry is not for me.

Better-er

So, I was driving around doing mundane errands by myself...deep in thought (my usual MO), when I realized that I really am getting better...in legit, measurable ways.

And I so love it.

I'm laughing more like I used to.---More often, and at appropriate times. ;)

I donated my I-haven't-eaten-in-5 1/2-months jeans. That emaciated look wasn't good on me, and I don't anticipate it making a comeback.

I changed my play list! The original was getting bastardized with non-Ben-approved songs. (Like he would listen to Jessie J!) Those melancholy songs don't resemble me anymore! Yay!

At my 10 year high school reunion a lot of people didn't know about my widow status, and I didn't feel the need to tell them.

I don't feel the need to tell anyone, really. It's a life altering event, but it's not who I am.

And if it does come up in conversation, I will do my best to make the other person feel comfortable. No need for awkward moments.

I'm still soo glad I didn't brand my blog! (sadlittleblondewidow dot blogspot dot com... Hah!!)

I've considered leaving the widow forum I joined two years ago. I've never been a big contributor anyway. And that conference was mostly a drag. Introductions felt like prison. Instead of the, "Whatcha in for?" it was a somber, "So what happened? How long has it been?" Yikes.

I'm breathing easier. Literally.


There was a part of me that thought that letting go of some of the pain would be bittersweet. Necessary, but still kind of awful. Everyone told me, "Time heals" (blah, blah, blah, blah). But I was so afraid that would prove to mean that time would rob me of my love for him. Time would take away the sound of his voice or the way his hands felt when they held mine. Because it can't hurt if you forget it was there.

Instead it's more of a gift. I've sat with this grief, and acknowledged it in every way I know how. The weight of it can start to shift now. It will always be a part of me, but it doesn't need to be the biggest part. It shouldn't be. Allowing myself to be defined and kept back isn't good for anyone. Things that break are meant to either be thrown away or fixed.

I'm in the "To Be Fixed" pile.

I was made to be happy. There will be far more happy moments than sad.


I love Ben.
:)

7 Days

That two year mark is looming.

Except..it's not really looming at all. Last year was so different. I knew it would be the conclusion of the hardest, most gut-wrenching year of my life. So I made plans.

• I flew to Utah.
• I stayed with my BFF (and laugh-cried a lot!).
• I went to the crash site (and listened to the radio on the way).
• I cleared his marker.
• ...and I didn't do any of it alone. :)
  

It was all about him, and it was perfect. Everything I needed to put my denial card away, and embrace all that the next year would bring me.

.........................................................................................................................

And here I am, about to complete another difficult year.

But with all the (not-yet-bloggable) good that this month has brought, I just can't cry like I did then. I'm too filled with gratitude to leave room for self pity.

I can still love him. I can still miss and ache for him (and heck yes, I will still cry). But I don't have to feel paralyzed or derailed. And it's one of the best realizations ever.

Hurting less doesn't mean I'm loving him less. In so many ways, my love for him has only grown stronger.

I don't want to be defined by the worst day of my life.
I don't want Ben to be defined by the last flight he took.
(And I know Ben doesn't want those things for me either.)

Life is about choice, and this is mine...


This is my new life, and I want to live it.

It's October

October is hard.
Lots of flashbacks, lots of tears.

I think of all the things we were doing at this time two years ago, and I just wish I hugged him a little tighter, kissed him a little longer, and told him how much I love him...more. I wish I savored him more. And the finality crushes me.

But I've blogged it all.
I'm sure no one needs a rerun.
Must I always be that sad little blonde widow??

October is hard, but this month has brought so much sweetness. I feel his love all around me (and my love and gratitude for him only get stronger). I feel things falling into place. I feel me becoming more of who I should be.

And all of it just overshadows the ugly.

In those sweet, quiet moments I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
And I am.

I love Ben.

:)

URL change

I've been contemplating this for a while.

When I started the blog, Ben was posting to it, too. Benandginnyhill made sense.

I'm not really part of a "we" anymore, and neither is my blog. Now ginnyhill fits best, and feels right.

It's good to take ownership of "just me" (+2 :)).



Soo...change your readers/feeds/whatever!

Love you guys!!

xoxo

It's still a boulder...

A friend recently urged me to watch a movie. I haven't watched it yet (but I fully intend to). Just in case I never get around to it, he typed the dialogue of a few scenes out for me.

It resonated deep.

DAUGHTER: Does it ever go away?

MOTHER: What?

DAUGHTER: This feeling.

MOTHER: No. I don't think it does. Not for me it hasn't. And that's goin' on eleven years.
(beat)
It changes though.

DAUGHTER: How?

MOTHER: I don't know. The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under, and carry around - like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: "Oh right. That." Which can be awful. But not all the time.

Sometimes it's kinda... Not that you like it exactly, but it's what you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is...

DAUGHTER: What?

MOTHER: Fine...actually.

I can't say that I've forgotten for even the briefest moment. But just when I think I'm doing so well, and this "thing" might be turning into more of a brick, little things creep up, just to remind me that it's still a big ugly boulder.

A holiday passes...

A memory surfaces...

Jocee asks if Daddy's flying that plane overhead, or if he misses her, or if he likes being away from her...



And I'm right back under that boulder, all over again. Crushed and gasping for air.



I still miss him so much, it leaves a physical ache. I think it's safe to say that the three of us do.


I love Ben.

That is all.

Today I thought about...

• How he carried a black pocket knife everywhere. And how he'd whip it out any time I'd ask for scissors.

• How he'd always insist on sitting right next to me in restaurants (instead of across the table).

• How he'd make up little songs for me. And how they usually came out sounding more like brand jingles.

• His laugh. How it got high-pitched when something was super funny.

• How he wouldn't fix his cowlick in the morning, if I told him it looked cute.

• How he'd sometimes refer to himself in the third person. "Don't worry. Your Benny will fix it."

• How he was the only person I knew who still used the word, "gnarly."

• How he'd make the same exact facial expressions that I'd recognize from his kiddie photos.

• How he'd draw hearts on my palm. (Along with so many other things I've already mentioned before.)
  

• How as I fell asleep in bed at night, he'd always put a pillow between my knees so that my lower back wouldn't hurt. And how he'd laugh as I grumbled each time, because he kind of woke me up.

...what it felt like to be around Ben.


I hope I don't ever forget...even the littlest things.

"Unslumping yourself is not easy done."

I really do love May. I always have. And when Ben popped into my world, I loved it even more.

But right now I just don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I'll even catch myself feeling antsy and anxious. Hate that.

I don't want to cry, so I haven't been. Much. The puffy eye look isn't good on me. And I can just picture Ben shrugging his shoulders with a "Gin,-we've-been-over-this" attitude.

That empty ache is still there. It just might be permanent. But I don't want to be stuck. Ben wouldn't (doesn't) want me stuck either. That's when people get frumpy...

No more wallowing. For now.

In so many aspects, I have been blessed beyond measure.

It's May

And all I can really think about is this...

• What a peaceful, easy day it was...
• How the weather was perfect...
• How happy and calm I felt...
• How thrilled he was...
• How my heart still aches...

It's all so vivid in my mind, and yet it feels so far away.

After the ceremony was done, I remember walking out of the bridal room, and smiling at him. I remember a sweet old man walking by us and saying, "You know you've picked the right one when you smile like that."

I remember Ben taking every opportunity to refer to me as his wife, like he was savoring the word.

I even remember this moment perfectly...

The reception was almost over.
There were no new guests to greet.
Ben was talking to friends.
Not thinking, I went and sat at an empty table by myself.
Almost as soon as I had sat down, he was in front of me.
He asked me if I was tired.
I just smiled.
Then he kissed me.



21 makes 7 years.
I wish we had 7 years.


Thank you, May.

I love Ben.

18 Months

I remember when I was living by the minute; when thinking 18 days ahead of me just couldn't be done. Sometimes I would wonder where I was going to be at the 18 month mark, but that was usually followed by the beginnings of a panic attack (and lots of deep breathing). Just remembering that shock and heartache brings tears to my eyes. I never want to feel like that again, and yet I hope to never ever forget it.

BUT I'm not there anymore. (Remember? :))

I've been slowly building myself up from ground zero. Where I am right now is such a better place to be. It's a huge deal; one worth celebrating. Sure, I might be a little more flighty (and a lot more new-agey), but I'm more grounded at the same time too.

For so long I haven't been able to see very far ahead of me. I remember posting about plans being useless. They just get..."put on hold." This moment is all that matters, and I still believe that. But guess what?? I'm starting to make those plans again, and it's freeing; not scary. The future is brightening again. Going back to school feels doable (and exciting). Single parenting doesn't feel as daunting. There are so many unknowns, but they don't feel intimidating anymore.

I feel myself growing into more of what I've always meant to be (knowing I'm not totally there yet either). I only wish that Ben got to see some of it during his lifetime. I catch myself still apologizing to him for the other me; for depending on him so much, for expecting inhuman things.

The hurt is still there. Little things can still creep up and blindside me. Like two weeks ago when I broke down, as I realized just how much I miss his feet. He seriously had (/has) the cutest, perfect feet... And I miss the way he thought mine were cute too. But those moments aren't derailing anymore. I don't have to post about it as much. It's a lot like T. Thorpe said, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."

So today it has been 18 months. It's a big milestone, and I feel okay. I'm not a useless lump of human stuck on autopilot. The best part is knowing how proud he is of me. I feel him smiling at me, sometimes laughing with me. He's still my very best friend.

I'm going to continue to make him smile. I'm going to be the mother our babies deserve. I'm going to become the me that I've been meaning to be. And I'm going to be happy doing it.

(Note to anyone who gets this: Today's hawk count: 5!!)

I love Ben.
:)

The Jocee Quirks

It's so hard to believe that the perfect (not so) little 8 lb, 11 oz baby girl who turned me into a mother, is 4 years old today! Watching her grow into herself is complete joy. There are so many qualities that are unique to her.

And so, here is a list of my very favorite "Jocee Quirks"...
:)

• Jocee loves the dark. Nothing about it scares her. She refuses to sleep with a nightlight on.

• She loves music more than anyone I know. She sings all day long.
  

• She can recall song lyrics perfectly after hearing a song just once. In fact, she's better at this than I am! I have to be extra mindful when the radio is on, because she rarely ever gets words wrong. :)

• Just like Daddy, Jocee is becoming a trivia master. She soaks in all the little facts that she learns, and shocks people with how much she knows about something random.
  

• She is determined to learn how to use chopsticks perfectly. She tries using them when eating anything (even snow... :)).
  

• She is a total backseat driver! She has an opinion to share with whomever is driving. Haha!

• She is acutely observant! Absolutely nothing gets past her, and she's always willing to call people out. :)
  

• This sweet girl is resilient; perhaps the most resilient person I know. She has lost so much, and seems to understand far more than someone her age should have to. And yet she handles it all with astounding maturity and patience.
  

Oh, how I love this girl! She has added such dimension and meaning to my life. The opportunity to be her mother is an absolute blessing. There aren't words enough to express my gratitude for her.


Happy birthday, Jocelyn Michelle!!
Mommy & Daddy love you!

Not there anymore.

Lately I've felt stagnant and frustrated. Ben has been gone for 17 months, and on the surface there hasn't been any real progression. The three of us are still living with my parents, and I have yet to go back to school. I wonder if I'm grieving fast enough. Am I subconsciously choosing to hold myself back??

But less than 2 weeks ago, I was able to get rid of those wasted emotions.

While in UT, T. Thorpe and I did our usual. ---We went for energy massages from one of my favorite people (then we hit up a health food store, got some soy ice cream & got caught up on our shows. Ha!!). Anyway, I've known this favorite for 5 or 6 years now. And in the more recent months she has tried to remind me of how...okay and "together" I am. Something she said finally stuck with me.

"You've been so hurt, but you've sorted through so much. I know you've been through the, 'It wasn't supposed to be this way.' Feeling angry because you weren't supposed to be a single parent with these girls. I'm sure at one point you didn't even want to exist. You wanted to disappear. But you're not there anymore."

Tears instantly fell. Because even though I never told her, she knew and she was right.

I'm not there anymore.

And so even though I may still have days when I feel overwhelmed and a little defeated, those emotions are of little consequence. Rather I can look at all of those things that may be invisible to everyone but me, and know...I have come a long way.

Where I am right at this very moment is perfect (and obviously not forever).

I may have forgotten that I have a blog...

And I may have forgotten that other people write blogs.


Opps!

Here's the deal.... I have a tendency to get super introspective. I think way too much...all the time.

Life got crazy. Actually...it was just the new normal, and I was tired (partially from thinking too much). I'm still a little tired, but whatev! :)

So (only because my parents can sometimes be patient and long-suffering) I went on a kid-free holiday, from everything (blogging included). It was amazing.

I might blog about it.

Anyway...
I'm back!!
(...and feeling that much more like me :))



Love!!
xo

Wordless

My thoughts and prayers are with my sister, and the family of her longtime friend.

In between the lines

(NOTE: This is another old draft. I'm really good at starting posts and not quite finishing them. But every once in a while I either delete them, or upload them. So...here!)

The other day I was talking to a good friend about how human interaction works. First there are the words exchanged. I like to call that the superficial conversation. Then there's the real conversation; voice inflection, body language...all that nonverbal stuff.

I really hate when those two parts don't add up. Like when you think you're having one conversation, but really it morphs into something entirely different. It makes me wish people could be genuine all the time.

MA definitely gets one point for realness. People are just naturally more honest, and blunt here. It's refreshing. But there's always room for error...

Story time!

Ginny: Hi, I'm calling to schedule an appointment for a my daughter.
Receptionist: Okay, is she sick?
G: No, just a well checkup. She's two, and a new patient. I actually have two chickies that I'll be bringing here.
R: Then I need information from you first.
G: K, shoot!
R: What insurance do you have?
G: [Gulp. Cringe] The ghetto kind.
R: Hm..lazy. Okay... I need some number off the card...
G: Oh, I gotta find it real quick. Sorry! I'm a total scatterbrain... Okay! Here it is...xxxxxx.
R: Okay, now info on both children?
G: Blah, blah, blah...
R: Two young kids close in age, huh? Ghetto insurance, huh? Do you all have the same last name?
G: Ugh, YES! If I was in Utah you would assume better, and not even ask me that.
R: Now I need emergency contacts.
G: *my info*
R: That's just one. I need two people.
G: Seriously??
R: Yes....
G: [Cringe] Hmm... *my mom's info*
R: Is this Grandma??
G: Yup, but don't call her that.
R: And you live with her?
G: BOTH parents, yes. I know what you're thinking! Stop it!
R: [Sighhhh] When you come in you need to have the insurance card with you, and both of their medical records.
G: I don't have medical records...
R: Well, we need at least the immunization records so we know what shots to give.
G: Ya know what? I know you're annoyed. I get it. But I don't like it....so I'm pulling it!!---- I was widowed, and we've moved a lot this year. You have nooo idea. So maybe I should have records, but I do not.
R: Oh, so you're actually one of those people "the system" wants to be helping.... I get it! I'll be nice now! ---Totally take your time! If you don't mind having the other pediatrician fax immunization records that would be great. No pressure though.
G: Yeah, see that? I won't be white trash forever! And I'll spend extra time making myself look pretty so that I don't look trashy when I come in with my ridiculously cute baby. See ya next week! ecks, oh!

The end.

(Disclaimer: The thing is....I wrote this one before the appointment. I kinda, sorta feel bad because they were all so sweet and understanding when I took Sophie in. And they were so good with her, too. Buggy didn't cry at all, and loves the new doctor and nurse....and fish tank in the waiting room. I am absolutely grateful to have found them.)

Mountain Goat

So, remember back (3 days ago) when I posted about Sophie's shiner, and how she inherited my clumsiness. It got me thinking....

I am painfully clumsy. I don't even try to play it off or excuse it.

I keep remembering the first time Ben and I went hiking together. It was at the end of May 2003, and he was dropping his sister off at West Yellowstone. She had got a job at Old Faithful. He had picked me up along the way; any excuse to spend time together. (He wrote Lindsay about it.)

Anyway... While she was at orientation we went for a walk. We happened upon a rocky spot with huge boulders, and immediately Ben wanted climb them.

I remember not feeling very surefooted, and blaming my Roxy sneakers. [Cringe.] But of course Ben was a different story. I tried to hide my awe as I watched him jump from rock to rock like it was effortless. I teased him about being a mountain goat. He smiled. It was cute...

Eventually, we got to the top of one of those boulders. He wanted me to sit with him close to the edge. Have I mentioned how much I hate heights? It was maybe a 30 ft drop, so I insisted on sitting in the center of the boulder. He reluctantly compromised.

I felt silly, and over exposed. What could he possibly be thinking of me? He was adorably agile, and I was just a mess. What if we were too different?

And yet, none of that mattered to him. My flaws had somehow become endearing, redeemable qualities.

I miss that.
I miss him.

I love Ben.

The RMV

(NOTE: This is an old draft from mid December. I was clearing out my drafts folder, and decided to post it. I haven't quite finished it, but if I don't upload it now I probably never will.)

I had waited until the last possible day to get my UT plates changed. I got my number and sat down; only 5 people before me, and an open seat. Yays! I looked down at the death certificate, and covered it with another paper. No one needed to know or feel bad.

As I looked looked through my purse for my chap stick, I heard the cutest Irish accent just a few feet away. I looked over at a sweet older Irish lady talking to a younger girl. She was briefly explaining where she was from, and asked the young girl about herself.

The younger girl was 21 and in college. She like really wanted to travel to Ireland someday, and like totally backpack through Europe too. She had been to Spain with friends, and it was awesome. The older lady smiled and nodded as this young girl went onto explain how she to wait until her birthday to get the "over 21" license and a new photo taken. She was like 16 in the old one, and had braces and un-blown-out hair. Awful!

As I listened to her talk, I missed the 21-year-old me. I remembered when I was like her; when I had time to get all dolled up for a DMV photo shoot... Ben married me weeks before I turned 21... Such a sweet time in my life.

Anyway, before long her number was called and she was gone. Minutes after that, the older Irish lady, got up and happily greeted someone she already knew. I thought to myself, "How fun is that? I never run into people I know here!"

As they embraced they both started crying. [By that point the guy next to me was making small talk. It made eavesdropping tricky.] In hushed tones the concerned friend asked how she had been, and apologized for not visiting with her more. That cute Irish lady's husband had recently passed away. She went on to talk about how difficult it had been on her, how much she missed him....and I had to stop listening.

My heart broke for her. For a moment I found it odd that at 27, I probably had more in common with a 60-something, than that 21-year-old girl getting the new license. And then I felt humbled realizing that each of us in that small overcrowded room had likely experienced our own brand of heartache.

I only hope that mine makes me better than I was before.

25 Ben Things

Sometimes when I miss him extra, I'll go and read his FB profile. More often than not, it makes me laugh.

I've thought I should post his "25 random things" note for a while. It's totally Ben summed up in his own words. Priceless stuff.

And that whole copy&paste thing makes for an easy post. :)

I never read these things, or reply to them, but my wife would be so happy if I do, so I will do it.

1. Rule #1: Don’t trust anybody. The only exception to this rule is with family, and some close friends. This is not the paranoid untrusting (that’s another trait), but more in the sense that you can’t trust people to look out for anyone but themselves; and you are the only person that will genuinely do what is best for you and yours every time.
2. I am a complete cheap skate. If it isn’t on sale, closeout, overstock, or somehow the cheapest it can be possibly be found, I won’t buy it.
3. I really, genuinely, and with all sincerity…..don’t care about things that are not my responsibility. Apathy is the name of the game. I care deeply about my family and friends, but outside of that, I don’t give a rats. Don’t ask me to join a cause or crusade to save this, or help that, or vote for this or that. Please stop the Facebook invites.
4. I trout religiously. I have loved fishing as long as I can remember. In fact one of my earliest memories is of my dad taking me fishing; I think I was three or so. I had a clear fiberglass rod (the hexagonal kind) and I rallied a little Onchoryncus on a rooster tail spinner. I slipped into the water while fighting it, but I didn’t care. I keep a rod and reel in my car, just in case I get a chance.
5. I hate heat. I would rather it be -20 than anything over 80 degrees.
6. I love Utah, I really do. Now that it has been 17 years I don’t think of Oregon as home at all.
7. I find it funny how people think my job is so cool for all the wrong reasons. I love it because after 7 hours in the air dealing with those things that only another pilot would understand; Lockheed Martin FSS, trainee controllers, foreign students making 8 minute long flight following requests to the wrong freq while you are passing your IAF in actual without clearance, “unverified” traffic 12 o’clock opposite direction 2 miles; after all that kind of crap I get to watch sun go down on the snow covered Wasatch from 16,000 feet; no camera can take that picture.
8. I am not a democrat, I am not a republican, I am an American and I want my country back.
9. I am paranoid; it is a family trait. I will peek through the blinds at somebody parking across the street, even if I know who they are. When somebody knocks on the door, my first thought is “where is a gun?” not “Am I wearing pants?”
10. I hold a concealed firearm permit, and carry my pistol every day. I do so not so much because of number 9, but more because I firmly believe in the only valuable lesson I learned from the boy scouts, their motto.
11. I am mathematically challenged. Time, distance, and fuel burn I can do in my head quick and easy. Addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division I am ok with. Anything else, no good.
12. I keep titanium close to my heart
13. I am very interested in history. I am constantly amazed at how human kind as a whole fails to learn the lessons of the past.
14. Musically, I am very non-experimental. I can have the same CD in my car player for months and not get sick of it. Since about September it has been a compilation of Apocalyptica.
15. Books, oh man books. I haven’t had the time to read a book in months and its starting to drive me crazy. I will usually read a book and then give it away, only a few rare books have I read more than once.
16. I never give respect, no matter who the person is. My respect must be earned.
17. The best compliment I have ever been given was to be called articulate.
18. I remember details. I can quote books word for word, but probably could not tell you what part of the book it was from, sometimes not even what book it came from. Though I can tell you whether it was on the left or right page and if it was top, middle, or bottom of the page.
19. Mountains; something in me must have them.
20. I am a procrastinator when it comes to school work. I can’t do anything until the deadline looms.
21. I have been accused of being a good friend; showing up to help someone move, helping out when someone is in a bind, even burying one.
22. I love my brothers and sisters; they are some of my best friends.
23. When I found out I would be the father of a little girl the first thing I did was buy a shotgun; keep the boys at bay.
24. My daughters are the most incredible little girls. I love them heart and soul. If my Jocee cries, I cry. If my Sophie is sick, I cry. If I am away for more than a few hours I miss them terribly. It makes me so happy to see the way they react when I come home. Jocee is in a bad mood if she hasn’t had enough dad time in a day. Sophie smiles when I talk to her. They are my life’s greatest accomplishment.
25. My Ginny is my best friend.

Sooo...yes, I did use some of those things for that 30th birthday post. But I would have included them anyway! He just said them better. :)

Delayed Reflexes

I finally did it.
I changed my marital status on FB (15 months later).

Sheesh, that was hard!

I'll be the first to admit that this borderlines pathetic. Actually it's probably full-blown pathetic. I realize that it's just FB. Ben wouldn't (no, doesn't) care either way.

The odd part is that I've owned my widowhood. Taking off my wedding ring 3 months in was almost easy. It's my life experience and I'm not ashamed of it...even though the word repulses me, and I hate what it has done. Seriously, when I think of the word "widow," I think of those disgusting spiders, and older women dressed in frumpy amounts of black. But I digress...

I decided that it was time to make a change back in December. A very sweet FB friend whom I haven't seen or spoken to in years, wished both me and Ben a Merry Christmas. I couldn't help but feel responsible for the mix-up.

Really, I just want to be honest with people.

But as silly as I know it sounds...
I'll really miss seeing his thumbnail linked to my profile...and our wedding date too.

That is all.

It's Official

...and a little bittersweet.
A moment of silence is requested.

:)