Ginny, circa 1985

Back when Precious Moments, pinkish sweaters, PB&J, yogurt, chatting on the phone, and being two were some of my favorite things...

:)

(NOTE: My parents didn't cut my hair like a boy or anything. That's just as long as it was.)

Buggy

I am just so lucky to be this little chicky's mommy.

I adore the little lady that she is becoming.

She is by far, the girliest tomboy I know.

She has the sweetest sense of humor, and already, such a quick wit.

The sound of her little voice always makes me smile.

Her facial expressions are some of the most animated I've seen.

Her laugh is contagious.

And most of all, she is still so sweet to the core.


Daddy has got to be so proud.

Something that I want

So...India can wait.

I've got a new vacation destination to work on.

Because seriously, when the beaches look like this...


And when one of the main modes of transportation is this...


And when there's no shortage of these quiet, quiet people...


...who live in quiet, quiet places like these...

I have decided.

If I only ever visit one place in this life, outside of North America, it's going to be....Indonesia!! Maybe those Buddhists will let me hang out with them... :)

Just putting it out there.

;)

xo

28 is the new 18!!

That's how old I'll be this month, friends!

(And since I'm feeling nostalgic....)

What was I doing 10 years ago??

Gym.
Tan.
Like totally, shaking my A to some Britney!

Not much has changed...

;)




Except...I'm not so much of a gym rat anymore.
Oh, and I'm not really into wrinkles and melanoma, so tanning is out, too...
And that Britney... Sheesh, she's been through A LOT.

Chicken Scratch

I love when little pieces of Ben surface exactly when I need them.

I've always thought that his handwriting was so cute, so typically masculine, so him.

He always wrote with those felt-tipped pens...

Sheesh, I miss him.


(Note: Kenny was one of Ben's freelance students. Now, we're FB friends.)

Thank you so much, Kenny!

Today I thought about...

• How he carried a black pocket knife everywhere. And how he'd whip it out any time I'd ask for scissors.

• How he'd always insist on sitting right next to me in restaurants (instead of across the table).

• How he'd make up little songs for me. And how they usually came out sounding more like brand jingles.

• His laugh. How it got high-pitched when something was super funny.

• How he wouldn't fix his cowlick in the morning, if I told him it looked cute.

• How he'd sometimes refer to himself in the third person. "Don't worry. Your Benny will fix it."

• How he was the only person I knew who still used the word, "gnarly."

• How he'd make the same exact facial expressions that I'd recognize from his kiddie photos.

• How he'd draw hearts on my palm. (Along with so many other things I've already mentioned before.)
  

• How as I fell asleep in bed at night, he'd always put a pillow between my knees so that my lower back wouldn't hurt. And how he'd laugh as I grumbled each time, because he kind of woke me up.

...what it felt like to be around Ben.


I hope I don't ever forget...even the littlest things.

7 years ago

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden, I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love.

-Rob Thomas

May 19th

Remember last year, when I posted about what happened today (8 years ago)??

I know I've mentioned that he was kind of awful with remembering birthdays and anniversaries. But this day was the exception. Whenever this day rolled around, Ben was always the first to remind me. He was sincere when he'd tell me what it meant to him.

If he were alive today, I would have woken up to him wishing me a "Happy 8 Years Luvees."---Because it's the day when he decided that he loved me. And it's the day I decided to take a chance on him.

This day will always mean so much to me. Always.

Authenticity

...or just bad grammar.

Yay, MSG fest!!
(Happy now. Sad later.)


:)

"Unslumping yourself is not easy done."

I really do love May. I always have. And when Ben popped into my world, I loved it even more.

But right now I just don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I'll even catch myself feeling antsy and anxious. Hate that.

I don't want to cry, so I haven't been. Much. The puffy eye look isn't good on me. And I can just picture Ben shrugging his shoulders with a "Gin,-we've-been-over-this" attitude.

That empty ache is still there. It just might be permanent. But I don't want to be stuck. Ben wouldn't (doesn't) want me stuck either. That's when people get frumpy...

No more wallowing. For now.

In so many aspects, I have been blessed beyond measure.

Gerber Daisies

I love when your husband's friends request you on FB, because they're missing him too.

Then I love when some of them leave you sweet notes periodically, just so you don't feel forgotten.

And because they are so thoughtful online, and you make trips out to UT whenever you can, I love how you decide you've just gotta meet them in real life.

And the best part is when all of their posts translate into a real person, who is just as genuine as they seem.

So Mother's Day rolls around, and intuitively they just know this day will be a difficult one. And because they know, and they read your blog, they send you your favorite flowers just to brighten the day.
I love when that happens!



Thank you, Jaime O!!
It means so much to me!

xo

Dear Me... (2)

I saw this video today, and loved it. Everyone should watch it and take it to heart.


But it got me wondering...
What if the current me, could talk to the younger me? What would I tell myself? Would I listen to me? I've already written one of those open letters to myself.

But what would I say to 16 year old me?

Hmm...

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Congrats on getting your braces off! Now stop smiling like a barbie for just a moment, and listen to me!

Stop relaxing your hair. It's only going to end up a fried mess. Embrace your natural curls.

Embrace all of who you are. Those padded bras are uncomfortable, huh? Just stop wearing them now.

Here's a list of tools to avoid... [names not seen here to protect the innocent. :)]
Here's a list of NICE boys to give the time of day... [same story.]

Oh, in two years you're going to go off to college...across the country, in the middle of nowhere. You're going to be as indecisive as all get out. Just make writing your major. The medical field does not suit you, and you're not quite ready for new-agey yet either. Trust me on that one, k?

About 18 months after that you're going to meet an amazing man. You'll know he's the one because of how he adores you. He's going to want to marry you two months after you start dating. Don't second guess it.

He's not perfect. In fact, he'll totally screw up your first Mother's Day. But don't be too angry at him for that one! Please be sweet to him everyday you have him with you; especially when he drives you crazy.

He will spend everyday of the rest of forever making sure you feel his love for you.

The joy and love you'll experience as a mother can scarcely be described, and deserves a letter all it's own. Perhaps 40 Year Old Me will have more on that.

Oh, and bringing it back to melanoma... You're going to be tempted to visit those tanning beds way too much. DON'T DO IT! 27 Year Old Me still doesn't know what those 3 years are going to get you.

Love,
Ginny

LOL'ing

I laughed a lot today.

I laughed at myself (and kinda screamed) this morning as a bottle of sparkling water exploded on me. Sophie laughed too... It was awesome.

I laughed when some classy broad flipped my off in Braintree. For the record, I'm not quite sure what I did to make her so angry. But I'll just blame it on her minivan and frizzy hair. I'd be having a bad day too...

I laughed when I asked Jocee why she was in timeout, and her answer was, "Because I don't like it, and you know it." --It's a good thing we talked about it after!

I laughed when Sophie yelled, "Mommy, Mommy! Let down your hair!"

It's her favorite movie, and the only one she'll watch the whole way through. She tells me I'm Rapunzel all the time.

I know! I don't see it either!

But if you're looking for a true likeness, I found this pretty accurate!

Thanks, T.Thorpe!

Oh, and I laughed really hard when I watched this...

Seriously, watch it 5 times. It just gets funnier! The poor kid...

It's May

And all I can really think about is this...

• What a peaceful, easy day it was...
• How the weather was perfect...
• How happy and calm I felt...
• How thrilled he was...
• How my heart still aches...

It's all so vivid in my mind, and yet it feels so far away.

After the ceremony was done, I remember walking out of the bridal room, and smiling at him. I remember a sweet old man walking by us and saying, "You know you've picked the right one when you smile like that."

I remember Ben taking every opportunity to refer to me as his wife, like he was savoring the word.

I even remember this moment perfectly...

The reception was almost over.
There were no new guests to greet.
Ben was talking to friends.
Not thinking, I went and sat at an empty table by myself.
Almost as soon as I had sat down, he was in front of me.
He asked me if I was tired.
I just smiled.
Then he kissed me.



21 makes 7 years.
I wish we had 7 years.


Thank you, May.

I love Ben.

Because I just happened to be up at 6:00 am...

Kate's dress was timeless perfection.

William is looking too, too much like his dad.



And that's my take on history in the making!

Can we move on with our lives now??

Yay, Genetics!!

Back in high school I used to go to Washington DC with a group of friends. We'd usually try for once or twice a year.

When I was 15, we went for the 4th of July. We were walking around that day, before the fireworks, and we ended up outside of the Pentagon. My friend Marci started talking to some official guy in a uniform. She was asking him all kinds of knowledgeable questions...

In all seriousness I asked, "So why do they call it the Pentagon anyway??"

That guy just kinda gave me a baffled look.

So I asked again, "No. Seriously, I want to know."

Some guy that was with us (I can't remember his name anymore) just put his arm around me , and said, "You'll have to forgive her. She's blonde."

I just knew something simple, and maybe painfully obvious was flying over my head.

The answer to my very blonde moment question, came to me days later on the ride home. I felt a little foolish, but mostly glad that my hair got the blame...


Anyway, today while I made the girls' lunch, I started laughing to myself at the memory. When my mom asked what was funny, I told her the story.

Her response: "Okay. So why do they call it the Pentagon??"


Yup. I get it from my mom!!

Easter '11

Love,
The Hill girls


P.S. Real photos will be postponed this year! Jocee has a super fun case of Pink Eye! Naturally, she was thrilled; until she realized she needed eye drops. I've been pretty kick-A at making sure it doesn't get spread. Knock on wood for me, peeps!!

(Get it?? Hahhh...)
Yes, I know that was painfully cheesy.

:)

I guess it's story time tonight!

So, I posted the other masterpiece before this one.
Then I checked FB real quick.
Lizzie B's status made me "lol" for real.

"Spilled beef stew ALL OVER the kitchen floor... the dogs are very happy!!"

Then I went and took a shower; and ended up laughing the whole time.
It reminded me of when I was all prego, and got to be clumsy with legit reason too.
And so I'm back!

Story time!!

December 2006
I was six months along with Jocee, and working 50 hours a week. Awesome. Ben only cooked on special occasions, so we ending up getting takeout a lot.

One night we went to Jason's Deli, because all I wanted was their tomato-basil soup. We had rented a movie, and were going to have dinner on the couch. For no real reason, that cup of soup slipped through my hands and sloshed all over the classy turquoise carpeting (turquoise) and down the side of the couch.

I felt lame, and mostly annoyed that I couldn't eat the soup anymore. I remember saying. "Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! I didn't mean to do that at all! WTF??" (Yes, I really said just the letters, "WTF" and not the whole thing.)

Ben: "It's cool, babe. This is totally normal. You're supposed to drop things."
Ginny: "Wait. What??"
Ben: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's in that What to Expect book."
Ginny: "How did you know this, and not me??"
Ben: "I don't know. You've been dropping stuff a lot."

Soo...I cleaned the mess while he got me more soup...

THEN...

August 2008
I was five months along with Sophie. Jocee was 15 months old, and always underfoot. I was cleaning the bathroom one morning, while she "helped." I went to screw the cap on the glass bottle of olive oil tighter, when it slipped out of my hands and shattered on the floor.

For maybe three seconds I panicked. Jocee was right next to me with little bare feet, and there was oil and glass all around us. Reflexively I balled my fists and let out a, "Ffffffffuuuu!!!!... Uhhh, hi!"

I had looked down mid F-bomb, and saw her big brown eyes looking up at me. She never heard the word. ;)

For weeks thereafter, Jocee would walk around shaking her fists and say, "Fffffff!!"
It really stuck with her...


Now I don't really have an excuse when I drop things.
But for 18 months of my life..I did!

:)

(Note: I had olive oil in the bathroom because I would use anything and everything to prevent stretch marks; IE: cocoa butter, vitamin E oil, Palmers, Shea butter...anything! I'd just use it all, and baste myself like a turkey twice a day. Maybe that's TMI, but whatev! :))

Only Jocee!

Jocee loves looking through our wedding photos.
I let her see them whenever she asks.
The other day she saw this one, and sighed...

Jocee: Oh, Mommy! That was when you and Daddy had your wedding...
Mommy: Yep, it is.
Jocee: You look so beautiful, Mommy! Like a princess!
Mommy: Really?? Thank you, Chicky. Which one? Cinderella?
Jocee: No, Sleeping Beauty! Why didn't Flora turn your dress pink?
Mommy: Umm... I wanted it to be white.
Jocee: You should have let her make it pink for you. Don't let Maryweather make it blue. K?
Mommy: I promise I won't.


I love the way that girly girl thinks.
:)

18 Months

I remember when I was living by the minute; when thinking 18 days ahead of me just couldn't be done. Sometimes I would wonder where I was going to be at the 18 month mark, but that was usually followed by the beginnings of a panic attack (and lots of deep breathing). Just remembering that shock and heartache brings tears to my eyes. I never want to feel like that again, and yet I hope to never ever forget it.

BUT I'm not there anymore. (Remember? :))

I've been slowly building myself up from ground zero. Where I am right now is such a better place to be. It's a huge deal; one worth celebrating. Sure, I might be a little more flighty (and a lot more new-agey), but I'm more grounded at the same time too.

For so long I haven't been able to see very far ahead of me. I remember posting about plans being useless. They just get..."put on hold." This moment is all that matters, and I still believe that. But guess what?? I'm starting to make those plans again, and it's freeing; not scary. The future is brightening again. Going back to school feels doable (and exciting). Single parenting doesn't feel as daunting. There are so many unknowns, but they don't feel intimidating anymore.

I feel myself growing into more of what I've always meant to be (knowing I'm not totally there yet either). I only wish that Ben got to see some of it during his lifetime. I catch myself still apologizing to him for the other me; for depending on him so much, for expecting inhuman things.

The hurt is still there. Little things can still creep up and blindside me. Like two weeks ago when I broke down, as I realized just how much I miss his feet. He seriously had (/has) the cutest, perfect feet... And I miss the way he thought mine were cute too. But those moments aren't derailing anymore. I don't have to post about it as much. It's a lot like T. Thorpe said, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."

So today it has been 18 months. It's a big milestone, and I feel okay. I'm not a useless lump of human stuck on autopilot. The best part is knowing how proud he is of me. I feel him smiling at me, sometimes laughing with me. He's still my very best friend.

I'm going to continue to make him smile. I'm going to be the mother our babies deserve. I'm going to become the me that I've been meaning to be. And I'm going to be happy doing it.

(Note to anyone who gets this: Today's hawk count: 5!!)

I love Ben.
:)

Mommy things I hope to never forget

Jocee
The shrill of her first cry.
How she hated to be swaddled.
Her chubby little legs.

Those big, brown doe eyes.

Her inherent love for music.

How eye contact was usually all it took to get her smiling. And a smile could make her giggle.

How her eyes would always follow me, if I wasn't holding her.

How "Mama" was her very first word.

That mild French accent she used when she first started talking.

How she'd beg us to sing with her as soon as she learned a song (like Itsy Bitsy Spider or ABCs). She still does that... :)


Sophie
The tenor of her first cry.
How she loved being swaddled.
How she was all feet when she was born.

That first moment when I recognized that she looked just like Daddy (at two weeks old).

How she'd babble herself to sleep.
How she adored her crib and naps.

How we could watch her study things intently, and know that she'd be a deep thinker.

How she sticks her tongue out, whenever she's lost in thought.

How she has always been the cuddliest.



I love those babies. Sometimes I kind of miss them.

Handyman

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm turning into a guy...

I kill spiders all by myself.

I know the difference between a Phillips head and a flat head. (Phillips was a genius.)

I figure out electronic and computer stuff completely on my own.

I open really tight jars, without even thinking to ask for the help of man hands.

I can do very, very minor car work (as opposed to none before).

I can restring a guitar.

I can put stuff together (following directions).

Garmin never leads me astray.

I can fix so many random things. It may not be done using the traditional method, or the method that makes the most sense, but I work it out.

And so because I'm practically a guy...I totally need these....

Because I'm hardcore now.

;)

My Two Girls

So, I have these two girls...

They love to shop.

They both know exactly what they want, every single time.

One little chicky always gravitates towards reptiles (I.E. snakes, frogs, lizards, dinosaurs--whatever!) without fail.

And if I happen to lose track of the other...

She comes equipped with pink radar.

If there's any pink to be had, she'll find it.



Anyway, they're the sweetest that I know!
:)

Love.

The Jocee Quirks

It's so hard to believe that the perfect (not so) little 8 lb, 11 oz baby girl who turned me into a mother, is 4 years old today! Watching her grow into herself is complete joy. There are so many qualities that are unique to her.

And so, here is a list of my very favorite "Jocee Quirks"...
:)

• Jocee loves the dark. Nothing about it scares her. She refuses to sleep with a nightlight on.

• She loves music more than anyone I know. She sings all day long.
  

• She can recall song lyrics perfectly after hearing a song just once. In fact, she's better at this than I am! I have to be extra mindful when the radio is on, because she rarely ever gets words wrong. :)

• Just like Daddy, Jocee is becoming a trivia master. She soaks in all the little facts that she learns, and shocks people with how much she knows about something random.
  

• She is determined to learn how to use chopsticks perfectly. She tries using them when eating anything (even snow... :)).
  

• She is a total backseat driver! She has an opinion to share with whomever is driving. Haha!

• She is acutely observant! Absolutely nothing gets past her, and she's always willing to call people out. :)
  

• This sweet girl is resilient; perhaps the most resilient person I know. She has lost so much, and seems to understand far more than someone her age should have to. And yet she handles it all with astounding maturity and patience.
  

Oh, how I love this girl! She has added such dimension and meaning to my life. The opportunity to be her mother is an absolute blessing. There aren't words enough to express my gratitude for her.


Happy birthday, Jocelyn Michelle!!
Mommy & Daddy love you!