7 years ago

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden, I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love.

-Rob Thomas

May 19th

Remember last year, when I posted about what happened today (8 years ago)??

I know I've mentioned that he was kind of awful with remembering birthdays and anniversaries. But this day was the exception. Whenever this day rolled around, Ben was always the first to remind me. He was sincere when he'd tell me what it meant to him.

If he were alive today, I would have woken up to him wishing me a "Happy 8 Years Luvees."---Because it's the day when he decided that he loved me. And it's the day I decided to take a chance on him.

This day will always mean so much to me. Always.

Authenticity

...or just bad grammar.

Yay, MSG fest!!
(Happy now. Sad later.)


:)

"Unslumping yourself is not easy done."

I really do love May. I always have. And when Ben popped into my world, I loved it even more.

But right now I just don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I'll even catch myself feeling antsy and anxious. Hate that.

I don't want to cry, so I haven't been. Much. The puffy eye look isn't good on me. And I can just picture Ben shrugging his shoulders with a "Gin,-we've-been-over-this" attitude.

That empty ache is still there. It just might be permanent. But I don't want to be stuck. Ben wouldn't (doesn't) want me stuck either. That's when people get frumpy...

No more wallowing. For now.

In so many aspects, I have been blessed beyond measure.

Gerber Daisies

I love when your husband's friends request you on FB, because they're missing him too.

Then I love when some of them leave you sweet notes periodically, just so you don't feel forgotten.

And because they are so thoughtful online, and you make trips out to UT whenever you can, I love how you decide you've just gotta meet them in real life.

And the best part is when all of their posts translate into a real person, who is just as genuine as they seem.

So Mother's Day rolls around, and intuitively they just know this day will be a difficult one. And because they know, and they read your blog, they send you your favorite flowers just to brighten the day.
I love when that happens!



Thank you, Jaime O!!
It means so much to me!

xo

Dear Me... (2)

I saw this video today, and loved it. Everyone should watch it and take it to heart.


But it got me wondering...
What if the current me, could talk to the younger me? What would I tell myself? Would I listen to me? I've already written one of those open letters to myself.

But what would I say to 16 year old me?

Hmm...

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Congrats on getting your braces off! Now stop smiling like a barbie for just a moment, and listen to me!

Stop relaxing your hair. It's only going to end up a fried mess. Embrace your natural curls.

Embrace all of who you are. Those padded bras are uncomfortable, huh? Just stop wearing them now.

Here's a list of tools to avoid... [names not seen here to protect the innocent. :)]
Here's a list of NICE boys to give the time of day... [same story.]

Oh, in two years you're going to go off to college...across the country, in the middle of nowhere. You're going to be as indecisive as all get out. Just make writing your major. The medical field does not suit you, and you're not quite ready for new-agey yet either. Trust me on that one, k?

About 18 months after that you're going to meet an amazing man. You'll know he's the one because of how he adores you. He's going to want to marry you two months after you start dating. Don't second guess it.

He's not perfect. In fact, he'll totally screw up your first Mother's Day. But don't be too angry at him for that one! Please be sweet to him everyday you have him with you; especially when he drives you crazy.

He will spend everyday of the rest of forever making sure you feel his love for you.

The joy and love you'll experience as a mother can scarcely be described, and deserves a letter all it's own. Perhaps 40 Year Old Me will have more on that.

Oh, and bringing it back to melanoma... You're going to be tempted to visit those tanning beds way too much. DON'T DO IT! 27 Year Old Me still doesn't know what those 3 years are going to get you.

Love,
Ginny

LOL'ing

I laughed a lot today.

I laughed at myself (and kinda screamed) this morning as a bottle of sparkling water exploded on me. Sophie laughed too... It was awesome.

I laughed when some classy broad flipped my off in Braintree. For the record, I'm not quite sure what I did to make her so angry. But I'll just blame it on her minivan and frizzy hair. I'd be having a bad day too...

I laughed when I asked Jocee why she was in timeout, and her answer was, "Because I don't like it, and you know it." --It's a good thing we talked about it after!

I laughed when Sophie yelled, "Mommy, Mommy! Let down your hair!"

It's her favorite movie, and the only one she'll watch the whole way through. She tells me I'm Rapunzel all the time.

I know! I don't see it either!

But if you're looking for a true likeness, I found this pretty accurate!

Thanks, T.Thorpe!

Oh, and I laughed really hard when I watched this...

Seriously, watch it 5 times. It just gets funnier! The poor kid...

It's May

And all I can really think about is this...

• What a peaceful, easy day it was...
• How the weather was perfect...
• How happy and calm I felt...
• How thrilled he was...
• How my heart still aches...

It's all so vivid in my mind, and yet it feels so far away.

After the ceremony was done, I remember walking out of the bridal room, and smiling at him. I remember a sweet old man walking by us and saying, "You know you've picked the right one when you smile like that."

I remember Ben taking every opportunity to refer to me as his wife, like he was savoring the word.

I even remember this moment perfectly...

The reception was almost over.
There were no new guests to greet.
Ben was talking to friends.
Not thinking, I went and sat at an empty table by myself.
Almost as soon as I had sat down, he was in front of me.
He asked me if I was tired.
I just smiled.
Then he kissed me.



21 makes 7 years.
I wish we had 7 years.


Thank you, May.

I love Ben.

Because I just happened to be up at 6:00 am...

Kate's dress was timeless perfection.

William is looking too, too much like his dad.



And that's my take on history in the making!

Can we move on with our lives now??

Yay, Genetics!!

Back in high school I used to go to Washington DC with a group of friends. We'd usually try for once or twice a year.

When I was 15, we went for the 4th of July. We were walking around that day, before the fireworks, and we ended up outside of the Pentagon. My friend Marci started talking to some official guy in a uniform. She was asking him all kinds of knowledgeable questions...

In all seriousness I asked, "So why do they call it the Pentagon anyway??"

That guy just kinda gave me a baffled look.

So I asked again, "No. Seriously, I want to know."

Some guy that was with us (I can't remember his name anymore) just put his arm around me , and said, "You'll have to forgive her. She's blonde."

I just knew something simple, and maybe painfully obvious was flying over my head.

The answer to my very blonde moment question, came to me days later on the ride home. I felt a little foolish, but mostly glad that my hair got the blame...


Anyway, today while I made the girls' lunch, I started laughing to myself at the memory. When my mom asked what was funny, I told her the story.

Her response: "Okay. So why do they call it the Pentagon??"


Yup. I get it from my mom!!

Easter '11

Love,
The Hill girls


P.S. Real photos will be postponed this year! Jocee has a super fun case of Pink Eye! Naturally, she was thrilled; until she realized she needed eye drops. I've been pretty kick-A at making sure it doesn't get spread. Knock on wood for me, peeps!!

(Get it?? Hahhh...)
Yes, I know that was painfully cheesy.

:)

I guess it's story time tonight!

So, I posted the other masterpiece before this one.
Then I checked FB real quick.
Lizzie B's status made me "lol" for real.

"Spilled beef stew ALL OVER the kitchen floor... the dogs are very happy!!"

Then I went and took a shower; and ended up laughing the whole time.
It reminded me of when I was all prego, and got to be clumsy with legit reason too.
And so I'm back!

Story time!!

December 2006
I was six months along with Jocee, and working 50 hours a week. Awesome. Ben only cooked on special occasions, so we ending up getting takeout a lot.

One night we went to Jason's Deli, because all I wanted was their tomato-basil soup. We had rented a movie, and were going to have dinner on the couch. For no real reason, that cup of soup slipped through my hands and sloshed all over the classy turquoise carpeting (turquoise) and down the side of the couch.

I felt lame, and mostly annoyed that I couldn't eat the soup anymore. I remember saying. "Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! I didn't mean to do that at all! WTF??" (Yes, I really said just the letters, "WTF" and not the whole thing.)

Ben: "It's cool, babe. This is totally normal. You're supposed to drop things."
Ginny: "Wait. What??"
Ben: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's in that What to Expect book."
Ginny: "How did you know this, and not me??"
Ben: "I don't know. You've been dropping stuff a lot."

Soo...I cleaned the mess while he got me more soup...

THEN...

August 2008
I was five months along with Sophie. Jocee was 15 months old, and always underfoot. I was cleaning the bathroom one morning, while she "helped." I went to screw the cap on the glass bottle of olive oil tighter, when it slipped out of my hands and shattered on the floor.

For maybe three seconds I panicked. Jocee was right next to me with little bare feet, and there was oil and glass all around us. Reflexively I balled my fists and let out a, "Ffffffffuuuu!!!!... Uhhh, hi!"

I had looked down mid F-bomb, and saw her big brown eyes looking up at me. She never heard the word. ;)

For weeks thereafter, Jocee would walk around shaking her fists and say, "Fffffff!!"
It really stuck with her...


Now I don't really have an excuse when I drop things.
But for 18 months of my life..I did!

:)

(Note: I had olive oil in the bathroom because I would use anything and everything to prevent stretch marks; IE: cocoa butter, vitamin E oil, Palmers, Shea butter...anything! I'd just use it all, and baste myself like a turkey twice a day. Maybe that's TMI, but whatev! :))

Only Jocee!

Jocee loves looking through our wedding photos.
I let her see them whenever she asks.
The other day she saw this one, and sighed...

Jocee: Oh, Mommy! That was when you and Daddy had your wedding...
Mommy: Yep, it is.
Jocee: You look so beautiful, Mommy! Like a princess!
Mommy: Really?? Thank you, Chicky. Which one? Cinderella?
Jocee: No, Sleeping Beauty! Why didn't Flora turn your dress pink?
Mommy: Umm... I wanted it to be white.
Jocee: You should have let her make it pink for you. Don't let Maryweather make it blue. K?
Mommy: I promise I won't.


I love the way that girly girl thinks.
:)

18 Months

I remember when I was living by the minute; when thinking 18 days ahead of me just couldn't be done. Sometimes I would wonder where I was going to be at the 18 month mark, but that was usually followed by the beginnings of a panic attack (and lots of deep breathing). Just remembering that shock and heartache brings tears to my eyes. I never want to feel like that again, and yet I hope to never ever forget it.

BUT I'm not there anymore. (Remember? :))

I've been slowly building myself up from ground zero. Where I am right now is such a better place to be. It's a huge deal; one worth celebrating. Sure, I might be a little more flighty (and a lot more new-agey), but I'm more grounded at the same time too.

For so long I haven't been able to see very far ahead of me. I remember posting about plans being useless. They just get..."put on hold." This moment is all that matters, and I still believe that. But guess what?? I'm starting to make those plans again, and it's freeing; not scary. The future is brightening again. Going back to school feels doable (and exciting). Single parenting doesn't feel as daunting. There are so many unknowns, but they don't feel intimidating anymore.

I feel myself growing into more of what I've always meant to be (knowing I'm not totally there yet either). I only wish that Ben got to see some of it during his lifetime. I catch myself still apologizing to him for the other me; for depending on him so much, for expecting inhuman things.

The hurt is still there. Little things can still creep up and blindside me. Like two weeks ago when I broke down, as I realized just how much I miss his feet. He seriously had (/has) the cutest, perfect feet... And I miss the way he thought mine were cute too. But those moments aren't derailing anymore. I don't have to post about it as much. It's a lot like T. Thorpe said, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."

So today it has been 18 months. It's a big milestone, and I feel okay. I'm not a useless lump of human stuck on autopilot. The best part is knowing how proud he is of me. I feel him smiling at me, sometimes laughing with me. He's still my very best friend.

I'm going to continue to make him smile. I'm going to be the mother our babies deserve. I'm going to become the me that I've been meaning to be. And I'm going to be happy doing it.

(Note to anyone who gets this: Today's hawk count: 5!!)

I love Ben.
:)

Mommy things I hope to never forget

Jocee
The shrill of her first cry.
How she hated to be swaddled.
Her chubby little legs.

Those big, brown doe eyes.

Her inherent love for music.

How eye contact was usually all it took to get her smiling. And a smile could make her giggle.

How her eyes would always follow me, if I wasn't holding her.

How "Mama" was her very first word.

That mild French accent she used when she first started talking.

How she'd beg us to sing with her as soon as she learned a song (like Itsy Bitsy Spider or ABCs). She still does that... :)


Sophie
The tenor of her first cry.
How she loved being swaddled.
How she was all feet when she was born.

That first moment when I recognized that she looked just like Daddy (at two weeks old).

How she'd babble herself to sleep.
How she adored her crib and naps.

How we could watch her study things intently, and know that she'd be a deep thinker.

How she sticks her tongue out, whenever she's lost in thought.

How she has always been the cuddliest.



I love those babies. Sometimes I kind of miss them.

Handyman

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm turning into a guy...

I kill spiders all by myself.

I know the difference between a Phillips head and a flat head. (Phillips was a genius.)

I figure out electronic and computer stuff completely on my own.

I open really tight jars, without even thinking to ask for the help of man hands.

I can do very, very minor car work (as opposed to none before).

I can restring a guitar.

I can put stuff together (following directions).

Garmin never leads me astray.

I can fix so many random things. It may not be done using the traditional method, or the method that makes the most sense, but I work it out.

And so because I'm practically a guy...I totally need these....

Because I'm hardcore now.

;)

My Two Girls

So, I have these two girls...

They love to shop.

They both know exactly what they want, every single time.

One little chicky always gravitates towards reptiles (I.E. snakes, frogs, lizards, dinosaurs--whatever!) without fail.

And if I happen to lose track of the other...

She comes equipped with pink radar.

If there's any pink to be had, she'll find it.



Anyway, they're the sweetest that I know!
:)

Love.

The Jocee Quirks

It's so hard to believe that the perfect (not so) little 8 lb, 11 oz baby girl who turned me into a mother, is 4 years old today! Watching her grow into herself is complete joy. There are so many qualities that are unique to her.

And so, here is a list of my very favorite "Jocee Quirks"...
:)

• Jocee loves the dark. Nothing about it scares her. She refuses to sleep with a nightlight on.

• She loves music more than anyone I know. She sings all day long.
  

• She can recall song lyrics perfectly after hearing a song just once. In fact, she's better at this than I am! I have to be extra mindful when the radio is on, because she rarely ever gets words wrong. :)

• Just like Daddy, Jocee is becoming a trivia master. She soaks in all the little facts that she learns, and shocks people with how much she knows about something random.
  

• She is determined to learn how to use chopsticks perfectly. She tries using them when eating anything (even snow... :)).
  

• She is a total backseat driver! She has an opinion to share with whomever is driving. Haha!

• She is acutely observant! Absolutely nothing gets past her, and she's always willing to call people out. :)
  

• This sweet girl is resilient; perhaps the most resilient person I know. She has lost so much, and seems to understand far more than someone her age should have to. And yet she handles it all with astounding maturity and patience.
  

Oh, how I love this girl! She has added such dimension and meaning to my life. The opportunity to be her mother is an absolute blessing. There aren't words enough to express my gratitude for her.


Happy birthday, Jocelyn Michelle!!
Mommy & Daddy love you!

The Rundown

Now that I've actually unpacked my suitcase, and done my laundry...

That trip was so fun! I miss it. (And because I miss it, I'm going to ramble on and on about it! ;))

Before I left I decided on two things.
1. I was going to take every opportunity to try new things.
2. I was going be semi-nomadic and stay with different people. (Ben Franklin did say, "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." True enough! )


So, I landed in CA around 1:30 on Friday, the 11th.

My cute aunt, Mary and her hubby, Ben took me on a tour around the Loma Linda University medical school. He teaches there, and has written text books. Impressive, huh? They showed me everything...even the cadavers. (NOTE: I was super proud of myself. The last time I saw a cadaver was almost 10 years ago. Back then I ran out of the room, threw up, and dropped my anatomy&physiology class. True story.)

Then we went out to eat with my cute cousin Linda. After that, Linda took me to Trader Joe's, where we discovered that we like all the same vegan foods. Who knew? Love it!!


On Saturday I went to church with Linda, and then we went horseback riding with her friend, Julie. (Again I was proud of myself. The last time I was on a horse, I was 13. That horse fell with me on him, bruising my left left leg and breaking my left ring finger. It's still crooked...) I stayed on the horse the whole time; despite the crazy trails and steep drops. I kept my eyes closed a lot!

We saw hawks...

and found their feathers (thanks to Julie!).

Love. :)

Later we had dinner with Mary and Ben.

When we got back to Linda's we Yogaed (yes, it's a noun turned verb now)...and laughed hysterically at the instructor guy!

On Sunday we all went to Disney Land for my second time ever (and took absolutely no photos)! It was fabulous, but I don't know how people do it with kids. Speaking of... I totally got offered the kids menu at the Blue Bayou!! And of course I ordered from it! Perfect portion size. I remember back in high school when the kids menu was a complete insult. And now I wish it to happen more often... Ha! It was a fun day. :)

Mary and Ben dropped me off at the airport early Monday morning. I was so sad to leave.

When I got to Salt Lake I ended up renting the ugliest silver Pontiac I've ever seen in my life! At first glance I wanted to cry, but I had to laugh! It was a good conversation starter in mall parking lots. Haha

I stayed with Terisa and Warren on Monday and Tuesday.... Terisa and I were soo happy Brad picked Emily! A cute little blonde widow is a way better option over a divorcee with a boob job. Just sayin'!

Tuesday I went to lunch with my FB friend, Jaime O. (That'll be her blogging alias.) And now we're real-life-friends. She's darling; love her!

On Wednesday I finally got to see T.Thorpe! She was in the process of moving to Iowa. Anyway (like I mentioned before) we went for Reiki massages, hit up our favorite health food store, binged on soy ice cream, and laughed much---just our much needed usual!

I was so sad to leave her on Thursday. But Jared took me to dinner, and that was fun. Although I was not offered the kids menu. [Sigh.] Ego, crushed. ;) Anyway, I stayed with my sister in Sandy, for a widows/ers conference.

That conference was on Friday and Saturday. I had been on the fence about attending, but decided to go at the last minute. I was glad I did! It was really fun to meet new people in similar situations. And to finally meet others who I felt like I already knew was good too. :)

On Saturday T. Thorpe texted to tell me that they had officially left state borders. Suddenly Utah became a lonelier place. Soo I blew off the "workshops" and went shopping with my cute (also now real-life-) friend Katie.

By Sunday I realized I was tired and did a lot of nothing.

On Monday I got all my hair chopped off, because you cannot get a bad haircut in UT. My hair is now the shortest it's ever been (shoulder length). I went to lunch with Sara in Salt Lake, and then went back to Springville one last time; to clean a marker that shouldn't look so neglected.

On Tuesday...I went back to my littles. I missed them so much.

The end.

Not there anymore.

Lately I've felt stagnant and frustrated. Ben has been gone for 17 months, and on the surface there hasn't been any real progression. The three of us are still living with my parents, and I have yet to go back to school. I wonder if I'm grieving fast enough. Am I subconsciously choosing to hold myself back??

But less than 2 weeks ago, I was able to get rid of those wasted emotions.

While in UT, T. Thorpe and I did our usual. ---We went for energy massages from one of my favorite people (then we hit up a health food store, got some soy ice cream & got caught up on our shows. Ha!!). Anyway, I've known this favorite for 5 or 6 years now. And in the more recent months she has tried to remind me of how...okay and "together" I am. Something she said finally stuck with me.

"You've been so hurt, but you've sorted through so much. I know you've been through the, 'It wasn't supposed to be this way.' Feeling angry because you weren't supposed to be a single parent with these girls. I'm sure at one point you didn't even want to exist. You wanted to disappear. But you're not there anymore."

Tears instantly fell. Because even though I never told her, she knew and she was right.

I'm not there anymore.

And so even though I may still have days when I feel overwhelmed and a little defeated, those emotions are of little consequence. Rather I can look at all of those things that may be invisible to everyone but me, and know...I have come a long way.

Where I am right at this very moment is perfect (and obviously not forever).

"Look, Mommy! I'm really stronger!"

Gotta love that sweet, patient cat...

But I love my girls more!

The Bloggy Things I Don't Understand

Sometimes I just feel like I missed a really important blogging memo; one that I should have read when I was just starting to consider writing one.

And then I feel indignant, and I want to break trend.

Soo... Here's a list of things that you should never see here (because I've excluded them on purpose. ;)).


Anthro.
I'll be the first to admit that their stuff is darling. But even if I had the resources, I wouldn't shop there. Seriously. This is not a case of "sour grapes." It's all just...overdone. When soo many people like something, it loses it's luster for me. Kinda like Coach bags...


[TAKING]
[PHOTOS]
[FOR]
[EVERY]
[LITTLE ]
[THING]
I used to wish that I could do this. It makes a blog so much more visually appealing, and memories are captured in the process. So sweet. But then I started realizing that it actually detracts from the experience. For example... My mom has a FB friend whose daughter was recently engaged. Proud of her daughter, she posted all of the photos her daughter had taken that night. The candlelit dinner for two...the food...the ring...those arm-outstretched vanity shots... So romantic. I could seriously picture the poor girl busying herself with picture taking, so much that the poor little groom-to-be had to sit and wait. Mood Killer.
(Note: Any posts about my vacation won't have very many photos... :D)


Song lyrics.
Okay, so I know I did this once. But that was an exception (one that I could potentially make again). I understand and appreciate why some people choose to post them. But it just doesn't work for me. I genuinely try to put my own feelings into my own words. And if I can't, I usually just stay silent.


Just sayin'!

:)

I may have forgotten that I have a blog...

And I may have forgotten that other people write blogs.


Opps!

Here's the deal.... I have a tendency to get super introspective. I think way too much...all the time.

Life got crazy. Actually...it was just the new normal, and I was tired (partially from thinking too much). I'm still a little tired, but whatev! :)

So (only because my parents can sometimes be patient and long-suffering) I went on a kid-free holiday, from everything (blogging included). It was amazing.

I might blog about it.

Anyway...
I'm back!!
(...and feeling that much more like me :))



Love!!
xo

Recharge

Flights: Booked
SW Boarding Pass: Printed (Group A--Hollerrr!)
Laundry: Done
Car rental: Reserved
Bags: Packed!!



Hello, SoCal & Utardiah!
I have missed you!

:)