Happy Halloween!!

Love,

Sleeping Beauty & Rapunzel

One Year Ago Today

I attended the sweetest funeral I'll ever go to.

A chapel in Springville, Utah was above maximum capacity. More than 500 people were there. There was a certain measure of comfort in seeing so many pilot uniforms as I walked in.

My only request was a closed casket. I didn't want any memory of Ben inanimate.

His younger brother and one of his best friends centered their talks on his service to others. His sisters and sisters-in-law read that 30th birthday post I wrote, and his "25 random things" FB note. His older brother read Ben's letters to our babies.

It was such a sweet representation of his life. I smiled as I heard people laugh. I knew it's what Ben wanted. I was grateful to be his.

(It could have been perfect if we didn't ask his mission president to close with the Plan of Salvation. Epic FAIL. Annnd if the stake president didn't randomly get up and awkwardly ramble about how he didn't understand why these things happen to good young people. Mood killer. But perfect is unattainable! :))

One year has passed, and a day hasn't gone by that I haven't felt that same gratitude. That sharp, crippling pain may ease, but love remains the same.

The Crash Site

All I wanted to do on the 21st was to go to the crash site. In the days after the crash, the NTSB workers offered to show family members the wreckage. A few people went, but I could not.

I've played that denial card to varying degrees for far too long. And so one year later, I wanted to stand in that very spot at 4:09 PM MST. I wanted to see it for myself, and let reality sink in.

The drive to the airport was sweet. I laughed as I realized none of my makeup was waterproof.

When we got there, I looked at those rocks first. To this day, I don't understand why they are there. It's been explained that their purpose is to reinforce the dirt road. Genius, right?

And then I turned to my left and saw it.

I looked over at runway 3-6 and couldn't help but feel proud of him.
Ben really had been just a few feet shy of a different outcome. He loved when he could "paint the lines" on the runway with his landing gear. He'd post video on FB of those smooth, centered landings. This could have been one of them. But it wasn't.

Sometimes engine failure, a faulty fuel line, an unexpected headwind, and some up-sloped rocks prove to be too much.

I will always be grateful that I was able to go to the site one year later. It was one of those few clear moments in life. Those moments when I knew without doubt that I was supposed to be exactly where I was, exactly when I was there.

And when we got in the car to leave for the cemetery, I couldn't help but smile more...

Forever it's you, forever in me. Ever the same.

La La Lame!

Quoting song lyrics is pretty lame. I promised myself I'd never do that on a blog post. I really should be able to find better ways of saying things all on my own.

But when a song that I've never heard before comes on the radio, on the drive over to the crash site, exactly one year after my world fell apart....I make an exception. It's not a coincidence, and I love him for it.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I run to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Favorite life lesson this year: There is no such thing as closure when you love someone. The relationship continues on, and in the sweetest ways.

I love Ben.

(Note: I know the song isn't new or anything. Maybe I've heard it before, but I haven't listened.)

21 Oct 2009

(DISCLAIMER: This is long. I won't care if no one ever reads it.)

I've thought about that day, every single day for the last year.

I remember waking up tired, hoping the day would go by fast.

Sophie cried out, "Daddyyyy!" and Ben quickly went to her. I was glad that he did. Getting out of bed was hard. It was cloudy outside, and I didn't like it.

Ben left for work. I gave the girls their baths and breakfast. While they watched cartoons, I quickly mopped the floors.

He came home soon after I had started his laundry. I asked him if he liked the way the new floor cleaner smelled. It was supposed to smell like lavender. He had hated the lemony stuff I was using before. He shrugged indifferently and told me he was going to take a nap.

Later I went upstairs with the first load of clean laundry to put away. He was sitting in bed with the laptop. We smiled at each other while I started folding.

He mentioned that the owner of the offending plane wanted to start flying again.
The plane has just had work done, and it was ready to be flown again.
And so this...gentleman....(whom I have not heard from since)....wanted to fly again.

I sat down at the desktop and quickly responded to a few emails.
He told me I looked cute.
I rolled my eyes.
He just smiled.

I went downstairs and got busy with babies and more Ben laundry. I can't remember most of that day. But I do remember when he left. He came downstairs and put his shoes on. He explained where he was going. He was going to fly the plane from Provo to Spanish Fork and come right home. He told me he'd be back before dinner.

We weakly said, "Bye," as he walked out the door. He'd be home soon.


At 4:00 pm I started feeling agitated. Maybe he was on his way back. I wanted to call him, but couldn't find my phone.

I looked at the clock at 4:12 pm, right before I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I just reminded myself that he'd be home soon. I washed my face and looked in the mirror. I decided some makeup would make me feel better.

By 5:54 pm I decided dinner was going to happen without him. Jocee asked for eggs so I went along with it.

I was in the middle of scrambling when Breaking News came on at 6:00 pm.

Both girls started crying, so I only heard key points.

• Single engine plane crash...
• Provo airport...
• After 4:00 pm...
• Pilot killed....
• No one else on board...
• Believed to be a local pilot...
• People are sad...

• Family needs to be notified.

Quietly I said to myself, "Ben that is not you. You are not leaving me. You're coming home to tell me what that loser did wrong." I wondered if Ben saw the crash. Wouldn't he call me?? All the facts started to sink in. But it had to be wrong.

I gave the girls dinner.
And then I panicked.
I ran upstairs and checked KSL.
What if I was Family? What if this pilot didn't have a name yet because they had to tell me first?

I came downstairs and started pacing. My phone was on the TV stand. I called Ben. No answer.


And then there was the gentle tap on the door.
I opened it, and saw a young cop with a woman to his left.

All I could say was, "My husband is dead."
[His eyes widened as he took a step back.]
"So that thing I just saw is wrong. I'm not the family. He's okay?!"

The cop asked to come in. He never said the words. He just nodded, and apologized. The woman who was with him, explained that she was a grief counselor. She offered to make phone calls for me, but I told her not to.

I called my parents first. (I hung up before they could ask questions.)
Then Ben's dad.
Then his youngest sister.

I was glad she was too shocked to react. Maybe that meant this was all just a sick joke. Everyone would be mad at me when Ben came home. She offered to make the rest of the phone calls for me, and I agreed. I didn't want to hear anyone cry.

Another sister called. She was so hysterical that I couldn't fully understand her. I decided that if she was upset then it had to be real.

I remember so clearly watching several people with tear-filled faces, dressed in pilot uniforms approach the door and come inside. They somberly introduced themselves; some hugged me. They had known 2 hours longer than I did. I wondered why they could cry and I couldn't.

A lot of people came over that night. When most left I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn't start. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Did it mean I didn't care?

I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of Ben leaving mortality. I spent most of that first night in the bathroom. And when I wasn't, I replayed the day's events over and over and over.

I wish I didn't do any laundry.
I wish I cuddled with him instead.
I wish I told him how much I love him and always will.

I wish I stopped him from leaving.
I wish I came up with a reason for him to stay home.
I wish I let the air out of his tires.

I still wish he never walked out that door. He took so much of me with him.

The Last Photo

Playing with Jocee before bedtime.

Packing!!

Right now I'm packing to leave for Utah!!

Here's the deal.... Anxiety for this one year mark started building back in August. I had no idea what I was going to do on that day, and being here in MA just didn't feel right. But how could I justify another trip?? I felt stuck (and anxious, and sad).

One night at the end of September, all these weird feelings made sense. Being in Utah would make the day easier. I needed to at least try to plan a trip there.

My parents were more than understanding, and offered to watch both girls so I could go alone. They even told me to go for as long as I could. The next morning, I went online to look at tickets... I found the cheapest tickets to SLC that I have ever seen! (Thank you, Southwest! :))
Coincidence? Heck, no!

So my plans for this 5-day trip will be...

• Traveling kid-free!--I won't even know what to do with myself!
• Seeing good friends. :)
• Time with the little sister. :)
  
• Staying with T. Thorpe.--That means laughing, movies, & soy ice cream will be involved.
• Seeing the crash site for the first time ever.--I feel ready now. Everyone who has, tell me how close he was to the runway and a safe landing. It affirmed his skill level and exactness as a pilot, and I'll get to see it for myself. I'm sure there will be an element of closure.
  
• Seeing the grave marker in person.

All things I really need, and I am deeply grateful I'll get to do them.


Thank you, Bennys! I couldn't have planned it better myself.

Sunday Morning, 18 Oct 2009

The last photo I took...

Ben's Last Post

One year ago, today....
14 October 2009

Some USAF recruiters came to UVU that day. Ben didn't even tell me about this himself. He figured it would be lame, so I found out from a friend (the wife of one of his friends/coworkers).

That morning as he left, I told him to have fun.

When he got home that night he was extra happy. He couldn't stop talking about how much fun it really was. The recruiter had been impressed by how many flight hours Ben had. When he saw how well Ben handled the plane, he let him do extra things.

I loved it. To see him so happy, made me happy too.
It was a good day...


We had no idea there were only 7 days of normal left.

Daddy's Girls, 12 Oct 2009

When he came home from work that day, he played with the girls while I made dinner.

After dinner we watched Monday Night Football on the couch together. (Actually he did while I fell asleep.)

I never thought I'd feel nostalgic for Monday Night Football...

Happy List

Real talk: I knew this month would be difficult, but I couldn't have anticipated how much. Flashbacks of what we were doing this time last year leave me feeling empty and deflated. I so desperately want to go back to that time, and stay there forever.

I've had way more of those snot-nosed, puffy-eyed, head-pounding cries than I'd like to admit. I really hate them. I only feel worse after. As part of my effort to avoid them, I've been taking note of happy things to distract me. Sometimes it works.
Here was today's Happy List....


1. I love, love, love when this happens! Jocee barely ever naps anymore. But when they take a nap together, it's marvelous (and adorably sweet)!

2. I totally forgot October is breast cancer awareness month! That means...pink everything!! I know one little girl who is going to love that, and another who will go along with it because she loves her big sister. :)


3. I have started couponing again!! Before the crash I was really good at it. I could cut a $150 grocery bill down to $50. Ben even bragged about my skills. :) After the crash I stopped caring. One of my goals for the year mark was to get back into it. Well, yesterday, I saved $10 using just coupons!--A decent first attempt.

Life is sweet.
:)

Lately

It has been easy to forget all the reasons why I love this time of year.

While the 3 of us played outside today, I remembered some of those reasons.

I adore these sweet faces.

I really am lucky.
:)

Evidence

Remember that post I did back in July about my quirky quirks??

Here's some proof that I did not make them up. :)


1. I've been listening to a lot of Lifehouse in honor of a concert on the 16th. This one is back in rotation, and I'm totally not sick of it...10 years later.

2. I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night...thanks to all of my many pillows!


3. Thanks to my water habit, I'm on my third phone this year. The last one bit the dust early one morning when Sophie came in my room. She took it and in a matter of milliseconds, dropped it in the glass of water by my bed. I have since resolved to not keep a glass of water there.


4. Recently I got this trench. I actually wanted something more classic, but fell in love. :)


5. Jocee tried covering my mouth and begged me to stop singing this song. I can't blame her. Audrey Hepburn's voice-over did a better job anyway. No question.

6. I haven't laughed and cried simultaneously in a little while. That's a good thing.


7. Yesterday I saw the 1995 version of this movie for the first time, and I was completely repulsed. My dad watched it with me out of curiosity, and completely agreed. Old movies really are better.

8. Right now I have two bruises on my legs, and no idea how I got them. Classy.

9. Last week a good friend and I were reading a flier. She laughed and asked if I was annoyed that the word sensitive was misspelled (sensative). I was.

10. Do I really need to give an example of me thinking too much?? ;)

(And there's my attempt to lighten the mood. Next month will be happier.)

"I just can't believe it."

It's a phrase that I've repeated to myself, countless times throughout these last...11 months, 1 week, and 4 days.

• In the beginning I couldn't believe Fox13, 6:00pm breaking news. Quietly I said to myself, "Ben, that is not you. You are not leaving me. You're coming home to tell me what that loser did wrong."

(Little did I know, this would be the first of many seemingly one-sided conversations.)

• Nine days later I pretended a box was empty.

• Two weeks in, I couldn't believe I was packing his things, and leaving a place we called home.

• One month in, I couldn't believe I was still alive. I was so sure I'd die too... of a broken heart.

• Two months in, I couldn't believe what a bad relocation choice I had made.

• Six months in, I couldn't believe that people who I thought would be an unwavering fixture in my girls lives, are not.

• Seven months in, (and the day after our 6th wedding anniversary) I couldn't believe that trusting the wrong people could lead to so much irreversible damage.

• 10 months in, I couldn't believe he wasn't turning 31.

And right this moment, I just can't believe that October is here again.
I can't believe I will soon have survived a year without him here; especially THAT year.

BUT....

• I can believe my grief counselor, when she tells me how well I'm doing.
• I can believe how amazing it feels to resist that natural pull to be bitter. In so many ways, beauty compensates for the ugly.
• I can believe that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for; and potentially stronger than I have yet to realize. (And my intuition is pretty freakin' amazing. :))
• I can believe that Ben still plays an active roll in my life, and helps me in more ways than I can comprehend.
• I can believe that I am a good mother to the two sweetest little girls on the planet.

I can believe that I can do this.

(NOTE: The next post will be more light-hearted. Pinky promise!)

Stream of Consciousness: Sept

So, I'm sitting here, listening to the wind and Two Drops in The Ocean. It's definitely one of my favorites. Such a Ben & Ginny song. He'd totally add it to the list. I can't listen to it and not smile.
:)

It has been unusually warm lately, and I don't mind it. Winter always comes too soon. I just really love Autumn in New England. So far I've eaten 6 caramel apples.

Macouns are the best ever. I ate at least 4 of them today. It's so sad that their season only lasts 3 weeks. That is just not right. If I could get them all year, I wouldn't eat any other type of apple ever again.

I really need to get back into yoga. It's a constant nagging sensation. My goal for next month (starting tomorrow) is at least 30 minutes of yoga every single day. By November it should be a habit again.

Oh, and I can't believe Jocee wants a yoga mat! She actually asked for a pink one--for Christmas. Then she told me how Sophie will need a purple mat so that she doesn't try to use Jocee's. The things both of them say make me laugh! They deserve a separate post. :)

Now On The Wing is playing. Love it. But seriously, Lead Singer was just a little disappointing when Lizzie B. and I saw him. A shower...or a haircut...or a shave would have helped. I'm not picky, but those skinny jeans look better on me. Sorry, buddy.

That reminds me.... There's a lot to look forward to in October. Two concerts with Lizzie B., and some other stuff.

October 21 makes a year.

But I've feel like I've made a lot of progress over the last 11 months. So right now, I will focus on that...and be happy.

xo

Missing Springville

Even though the rational part of me knows I'm not entirely alone in my grief...

And the spiritual part of me knows Ben isn't there, there...

And those grounds' keepers will remove things almost as soon as they're placed...

Something about this gesture brings tears to my eyes, and a smile to my heart.

Happy Happy Birthday, Laura Dear!

Because I'm feeling soo grateful for my sister, on her 23rd birthday...

Dear Laura,
Thanks for being born 23 years ago, and sparing me from the horrors of being an only child. Maybe I should be thanking Mom for that one, but whatever.


Thank you for always getting me to try new foods. You make being vegetarian fun. But let's just agree to disagree on that whole spicy curry thing, okay??


Thank you for getting me to step out of my comfort zone. I always have fun.


Oh! And remember THOSE bangs???
Thank you so so much for growing them out! I know I had nothing to do with persuading you. And let's be honest; no one can. But thank you! That newish hair is more...you. :)

Thank you for always making fun of my clothes....
And then borrowing them....
And getting compliments on them.

Just so you know, I totally want to borrow this dress. Thanks!

Thank you for being such a...good influence on my girls. They adore you.

But most of all, thank you for always being you.
We may not ever see eye-to-eye, but that makes it fun.

Love you!!

Love,
Ginny

4 Months. 11 Months. Whatever.

11 months in, and I still feel this way...almost.

15 Feb 10

Bennys,

I'm starting to realize that this thing I feel isn't ever going to go away. I can't cry it away. I've tried and it does nothing. That numb feeling only lasts so long before more tears follow.

The thing is... I miss you in ways I didn't know anyone could miss anyone else. For the rest of this life I will miss you. I will always miss you, and love you just as much.

I am so terrified that I will forget the sound of your voice, what it feels like to be in your arms, or hold your hand. And you have the best laugh. I can't laugh as freely without it. Please don't let me forget.

And then I think of what our babies will miss, and my heart breaks again. And you're such a good daddy. I wish I could spare them, but I can't. I can't change what happened on that day. For the rest of this life we will miss you and wish you were here instead. I can't do this without you. I just cant!

But this life will go by fast, right? I'll see you soonish, right?? In the thick of this grief it feels endless. Please don't let me forget.

Love you always,
Ginnys

Over the last 11 months, I've written Ben countless letters. I don't write as much lately. How many times can you tell someone how much you love and miss them, before even you realize that you sound like a broken record?? And besides that, he already knows. I don't really have to tell him...as much.

After reviewing some of those letters, I realized something. Those feelings I expressed then, are felt just as deeply. And they always will be.

In the beginning, one of my best friends told me, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."
At the time, it was a bleak concept. But now, 11 months in, I understand what she meant.

I still miss Ben. I still love Ben. I still wish this wasn't our reality. And if I could change it, I would. But that initial shock that has lasted so long, is just now starting to lift. In exactly one month, I'll have completed a year. One gut wrenching hell of a year. One year full of numbing firsts.

But there is one difference now...
I can do this.
The 3 of us can do this.

(See you soonish, Bennys!)

Dirty Laundry

We had been married less than a month.

Ben mentioned that we needed more laundry baskets...

I remember sitting next to him on our bed, and laughing as he took a Sharpie and labeled one as mine. (Making things plural--with the wrong spelling & in the wrong context--was a deliberate trademark of his.)

And now I look at it and hold back tears, knowing that permanent marker is fading. It shouldn't matter. It's just a basket.

But I miss him... and every little quirk that made Ben, my Bennys.

Hot Pink Pumps

Sophie loves shoes.
She especially loves playing in mine.
Heals are her preference.

Every morning after her bath, she runs for my closet and goes straight for them! In fact, she has actually gotten more use out of my new pink pumps. They are her favorite.
She gets around in them quite well.

She is turning into such a girly little girl. I love it!

(Note: YES, I know I need a bed skirt! But they always seem to get in the way. Someday I'll get bitten by the interior decorating bug. But until then... Whatev! :))

Another peek in my head...

...at the grocery store, on a Friday.
Because I'm super glam.
;)


Celery is so refreshing. I'm going through a serious phase. Better stock up on that... And Romaine lettuce, too.

I really wish berries were in season all year. Raspberries and cherries are my favorite. I will miss them...

Oh! Just spotted caramel apples. So excited Fall is finally here!
And pumpkins! I wonder if the girls would have fun helping my carve them this year... I'll need some seeds, too. Love those.

That girl looks familiar...
Yep, went to high school with her.
If I approach her, she'd remember me.
But then there might be small talk, and a mini catch-up.
How could I lightly explain what happened, and avoid that reaction I always get??
Hmm....maybe next time...

.........

How about that healthy aisle....
Definitely need that hemp granola. It's the only thing Sophie really eats in the morning. (Note: Hemp sounds shady. It's not. Look it up.)

And some tea sounds really good.
Lemon Ginger would be fabulous!
I read something good about Milk Thistle. Maybe I'll try some.
Organic chocolate...won't make that mistake again!

K, now the rest of it....

Whoa. Dang.
Creepy guys near the potato chips.
Why am I even in this lame aisle!?? This is why I don't eat that crap.
They look haggard. How many drugs would one have to do in a lifetime before they start looking like that? [Shutter]
I'll just walk past them quickly. They won't even notice.

Ughh. They're looking at me.
And now they're saying something to me.
Smile and nod to whatever.
[Get away.]

.........

Oh, and there's that cute old man by the frozen foods!
I always see him here at this time...
And he always smiles sweetly at the girls. I bet he has grand kids.

He's what Ben would be in 50-60 years. Tall, and thinner; with an older version of khaki pants, polo shirt, glasses, and baseball hat.
Would Ben be bald too? Probably not as much...

Ben really would have made such a sweet old man. And we were looking forward to it. I wish he could have. Why did that guy get to grow old and Ben couldn't? He probably wasn't ever a pilot...

Ugh. Why do I ask myself those "why" questions!?
"What" questions would be better...
Like....
"Now, what?"
"What is my next step?"
"What do I want to be?"
"What am I about to become?"

I like those better. They're more proactive.

Ohh, I need almond milk!
Almond milk....really is cheaper at Walmart.
Walmart on a Friday...
[Cringe.]

When 'Thank You' doesn't feel like enough...

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know how to express the gratitude I feel. Tears well each time I have thought of this. For this situation, words are inadequate.

Thank you for loving Ben. Thank you for being such a good friend to Ben when he was here. Thank you for continuing to be that same friend.

Thank you for loving me, and our little family. Thank you for sparing me the expense. Thank you for affording me the time to get this done, when I could be clear-headed and emotionally ready.

Although my attempt is feeble, please know your generosity will not be forgotten. With all my heart, thank you.

Love,
Ginny

The back story:
In November I started feeling pressure (from Ben's side) to have a marker completed. I found this more than distressing. Denial was serving me well. The mere thought of seeing Ben's name in the ground was enough to elicit a panic attack.

How do you convey someone's life and love on a slab of granite??
How do you represent what they meant to those who love them?
Or the impact they left on everyone they knew?

A family friend who wishes to stay anonymous (to me especially), donated the money to have Ben's grave marker completed. They left it for me to do when I was ready.

In July, I was ready. Remember that Girls' Weekend with T. Thorpe?
The marker was finally set over his grave last week.

More thank yous'...
Thank you to T. Thorpe, for the moral support while I made the last decisions & the photos sent!
Thank you to Lizzie B, for more moral support & the leg work it took to have everything finalized.

'Thank you' really isn't enough.
I'm a lucky girl.

Come Back Down

Have I ever mentioned how freakishly tone-deaf I am??

It's a bit repulsive... But Ben never seemed to mind. In fact, he found this flaw endearing. Maybe it's because he was almost equally as off key as I always was.

At any rate, it was refreshing. Those musically inclined Utards can get exhausting. But I digress....



One night (back in 2005) I was in the bedroom with the laptop listening to this song, while I did homework (Ha! back when I thought public heath was a good career option!). Ben was in the office tying flies. I was wearing earphones....

When I looked up I saw him smiling in the doorway, trying to stifle laughter.

He had a priceless expression of complete adoration.

I asked what I had done to make him so happy. He told me I had been singing along to the music for at least 10 minutes, and it was the cutest thing he had ever heard. (Although I highly doubt that.) I didn't realize I had been singing.

I remember him saying, "Oh Ginnys! That was the cutest thing ever! I have to give you the hugest hug for that!"

And so I hope for 2 things....
1. My memory of that moment never fades.
2. He still looks at me like he did then, when I'm singing in that same tone-deaf way.

My Little Monkey

Yesterday was just one of those days...

I love Buggy!