11 months in, and I still feel this way...almost.
15 Feb 10Bennys,
I'm starting to realize that this thing I feel isn't ever going to go away. I can't cry it away. I've tried and it does nothing. That numb feeling only lasts so long before more tears follow.
The thing is... I miss you in ways I didn't know anyone could miss anyone else. For the rest of this life I will miss you. I will always miss you, and love you just as much.
I am so terrified that I will forget the sound of your voice, what it feels like to be in your arms, or hold your hand. And you have the best laugh. I can't laugh as freely without it. Please don't let me forget.
And then I think of what our babies will miss, and my heart breaks again. And you're such a good daddy. I wish I could spare them, but I can't. I can't change what happened on that day. For the rest of this life we will miss you and wish you were here instead. I can't do this without you. I just cant!
But this life will go by fast, right? I'll see you soonish, right?? In the thick of this grief it feels endless. Please don't let me forget.
Love you always,
Ginnys
Over the last 11 months, I've written Ben countless letters. I don't write as much lately. How many times can you tell someone how much you love and miss them, before even you realize that you sound like a broken record?? And besides that, he already knows. I don't really have to tell him...as much.
After reviewing some of those letters, I realized something. Those feelings I expressed then, are felt just as deeply. And they always will be.
In the beginning, one of my best friends told me, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."
At the time, it was a bleak concept. But now, 11 months in, I understand what she meant.
I still miss Ben. I still love Ben. I still wish this wasn't our reality. And if I could change it, I would. But that initial shock that has lasted so long, is just now starting to lift. In exactly one month, I'll have completed a year. One gut wrenching hell of a year. One year full of numbing firsts.
But there is one difference now...
I can do this.
The 3 of us can do this.
(See you soonish, Bennys!)
After reviewing some of those letters, I realized something. Those feelings I expressed then, are felt just as deeply. And they always will be.
In the beginning, one of my best friends told me, "You won't ever get over the grief. You'll just learn how to manage it."
At the time, it was a bleak concept. But now, 11 months in, I understand what she meant.
I still miss Ben. I still love Ben. I still wish this wasn't our reality. And if I could change it, I would. But that initial shock that has lasted so long, is just now starting to lift. In exactly one month, I'll have completed a year. One gut wrenching hell of a year. One year full of numbing firsts.
But there is one difference now...
I can do this.
The 3 of us can do this.
(See you soonish, Bennys!)
1 comment:
Grief is like your finger print, it is unique to everyone. Your post was so touching. I have no idea what it must be like. It has been almost 14 months for our family. While I lost my father in law and two brother in laws, it was my married brother in law Jordan that I was closest to.
For Christmas I gave my wife a digital photo frame with pictures of just her dad and two brothers. Last night as I walked past the frame a picture of Jordan came on. I realized, like I always do when his picture appears, that he is really gone. The pain is the same, I guess I am either dulled to it, or used to it, but it is still the same. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you.
My sister in law is in a similar situation as you are. She lost the love of her life, is the mother of 3, the youngest was 3 months old when his daddy died. She, like you is amazing. It helps others who are grieving realize that they can make it. Thanks for your example!
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