Part of My Process

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.

Peter Ustinov


As I've mentioned before, there have been so many difficult emotions to deal with.
A little more than a month ago, I found myself angry with Ben.
I have never been angry at him for the plane crash.
I know that he did absolutely everything right in the situation.

But I've been angry at him nonetheless.
Angry for every time I didn't feel like a priority.
Angry at the ways he may have procrastinated, or wasted time.

Simply put, time is not something we were given enough of.
We expected our life together to be like so many others...longer.

I was left with unresolved feelings, and without him to help me resolve them.
Sure, I could go talk to someone about it.
But that "someone" would not be Ben.
~
About three weeks ago, I made the decision to forgive him.
I wasn't going to carry these resentful feelings another day.
Whenever I reflect on our marriage, there is far more good than bad.
Why should I let anything overshadow all the joy we experienced together?

And then something amazing happened.
During that same tear-filled night, a clear thought resonated deep within me.
You have done the same to him.
There were times when I neglected to make Ben feel like a priority.
I also squandered some of this time we were given.
If he were put on my side of this tragedy, he could so easily be angry with me for all the same reasons.

For so many, it is part of the human condition; to think that tomorrow is guaranteed.
This experience has taught us both, that it is not.
I will not let the mistakes either of us made in the past hold me back any longer.

I will remember only the good.
I will leave out all the rest.

Resolve

I used to like the concept of making new year's resolutions.
I'd make a list of things to improve upon, and usually follow through with each goal for the duration of the year.

My resolutions for 2009 were...

• Lose the last of the baby weight (11 lbs)
  
• Get super buff with Yoga & Pilates
• Floss daily
• Save money (I.E. cut the grocery bill in at least half)
• Try at least one new recipe each week
  
• Potty train Jocelyn by October
  
• Pay off credit cards & work toward being debt free

For the record, I was able to keep most of these resolutions for nearly the duration of the year. Get super buff and floss daily hit a speed bump when the girls and I went to Boston over the summer. All other goals were accomplished.

Then everything fell apart on 21 October 2009. Everything.
My whole world.
Suddenly this list along with so many other things, meant nothing.
.
.
.

In the light of my new circumstances, I can't help but roll my eyes when someone says they want to lose a definitive amount of weight, or cut out some specific food, or get super buff. Because really, none of that matters.

I've felt differently this year. But only because I am different this year. I couldn't bring myself to compile a new list of changes to make. This is mainly because I still can't wrap my mind around the truth... The three of us will be without Ben this year, and so many years to come.

But a thought occurred to me yesterday...
In a sense, I have already resolved to be better.
My resolutions happened almost subconsciously, and at a different time.
These goals were not made on the 1st of January at 12:00 am, but instead on 21 Oct 2009 at 6:15 pm.

These are not changes for a new year, but decisions made for the remainder of my life....

1. I will value and appreciate the people in my life. Never again will I take someone for granted.

2. Never again will I make a fitness or weight loss goal based upon the number on a scale or the size marked in my jeans. If I do make a goal of this nature, it will be solely for the health of my body and spirit.

3. Each day I will resolve to do better than the day before.

Little Details

(Disclaimer: We had made a pact not to share this picture with anyone. But the memory of how hard we were laughing in it, makes it too good to keep to myself.)

Ever since everything happened, I've been so afraid that I'll forget something. The problem with that now, is that Ben won't be here to remind me. Of the two of us, I did have the better memory, so nothing can be left out!

After my previous post, I was able to talk to a few different people who reminded me of things I left out; just little details that probably only mean something to me.

On the night we met...

• Ben was wearing a white, short sleeved, collared dress shirt, untucked with the top button undone & black dress pants. (The solid red tie he wore that evening was on his bed when we walked into the room.)
• I was wearing a beige hooded sweater, a burgundy tank top & Abercrombie jeans. Over this past summer I was cleaning out my closet and found the pieces to this outfit. Ben felt nostalgic & wouldn't let me throw any of them away.
• He had told our friend Lindsay that when I got out of the car, he thought to himself, "I hope THAT one is Ginny."
• And no matter what Marci tells anyone, or how she may think she remembers things; Ben and I did not kiss that night! We didn't even hold hands. We may have wanted to, but we definitely didn't. (The first kiss happened during the last weekend in April, after I had been a bride's maid in Val's wedding.)

And now I shall never forget!

*Marci's Two Cents*
I completely forgot about this, but apparently I would skip classes periodically to call him back....before we ever met in person!! It's not something I did everyday, but I probably did it more often than I should have. I did recognize that it was pretty lame. But Marci knew we would get married all along.
(Read the first comment on this post for her exact words!)

It's a Love Story

Ben loved to tell this story, and in some ways he may have told it better. But since I'm telling it from my perspective, you'll get the long version!

Seven years ago, I met my best friend...

In January, 2003 I moved back out to Idaho (from Boston) for another semester of school at BYU-I (Yes, I went there. Let's not dwell on it...).

Ben was living and going to school in Orem, Utah; a mere 4 hour drive away.

That semester, I had a roommate, Polly. She seemed to know everybody. Eventually she did set me up with a random guy. Over the course of the month, we went on a few dates; nothing special. Soon thereafter, I found out what a jerk he could be. (In retrospect, it really wasn't a big deal. But, whatever.)

At the time, it seemed to be like a big enough ordeal to be angry over.
I came home one night and started venting.
I swore off dating any guy from Idaho ever again.
Polly was in her room talking to someone on the apartment phone.
She handed me the phone and said, "Here, talk to my friend, Ben about it. He's good with advice."

At first I thought it was a little weird. She assured me that he was nice, and walked off. Being the emotional girl that I was, I impulsively took the phone and started talking. We introduced ourselves, and I went into my three week saga of heartache. (So silly now! I could cringe.)

Ben listened patiently, and also told me about a recent breakup of his. This first conversation in January, lasted for over an hour. I found him so easy to talk to. He seemed witty and confident. I felt like he genuinely cared. Oh, and did I mention, he had a really cute phone voice? There was just something about the sound of his voice that I was drawn to.

Two days later he called, and asked for me. He wanted to see how I was doing. By that point I was completely over...what's his name? I didn't think Ben and I would have anything more to talk about. But that second conversation lasted for over two hours.

Each time he called there was never an awkward pause or dead air. Within two weeks he asked for my cellphone number, so that he didn't have to be bothered with calling the apartment phone. We would talk almost every other day. He would tell me all about each of his siblings, his sister who was soon getting married, his friends, what his future plans were etc... And I felt like I could talk to him about anything without judgment.
The best part: He made me laugh during each call.

My roommate, Marci would often joke that Ben and I would definitely get married. But it wasn't a thought that we could really entertain. After all, I didn't even know what he looked like, and chances of us ever meeting in person were slim. One Sunday while we were bored in church (a common occurrence) , she paired our first names with different guys' last names. She then informed me that Ginny Hill fit best.

I remember telling her, "I'm not saying that I want to marry Ben. But I do hope that I can talk to my husband as easily as I can talk to Ben."

The first weekend in April was Spring Break. Marci was going to Salem, UT to visit her cousin. She told me that Salem is close to Orem. We could meet Ben, and if nothing else, be able to put a face to a name. In the beginning of the semester she had talked to him a few times, too.

When Ben called that day, I told him about going to Salem for Spring Break. He immediately purposed a plan to meet up that Friday evening, after his sister's wedding reception.

I remember that night so clearly...
Marci and I went to Blockbuster with her cousin and rented Maid in Manhattan starring Jennifer Lopez... We had completely forgot about Ben, until he called. We agreed on meeting at his apartment complex. On the drive over we told Marci's cousin and her roommate the story behind it. We were both starting to get nervous, and felt somewhat foolish.

Why were we going out of our way to meet this random guy who we met on the phone?
What if he was crazy?
What if he was dangerous?
What if he was ugly??
(I had been told that he was tall, thin, had dark hair, and wore glasses. Really, that could mean anything!)

I called him as we pulled up to the complex ("The Pinnacle"). We saw him almost immediately walking and talking to us on his phone.

I remember getting out of the car and saying, "Hi, Ben?!"
And Ben walked right up to me and gave me a side hug.

(Whenever he would tell the story, he would explain how he fell in love with my smile. But for me, it was his approach. There was absolutely no hesitation. It felt so genuine and natural. That, and he was ridiculously good looking...)

We all talked in his room for maybe a half hour, before everyone else wanted to go. On the drive back to Salem he sent me this text, "You're gone. I'm bored now."

When I read it to Marci she told me, "I know you like him. And he definitely likes you. He can come watch the movie with us...if he wants..."

So, I called Ben and offered...
Me: "Hi, Ben. We're just going back to Marci's cousin's house to watch a movie we rented. You can watch it with us if you want. I know it's pretty far, but that's all we're doing tonight..."
Ben: "Really? What movie?"
Me: "Uhh... "Maid in Manhattan." That one with Jennifer Lopez..."
Ben: "Hmm... Okay! I just have to put some pants on."
Me: "You're not wearing pants??"
Ben: "No. I was. But I took them off. I'll be right over. I'll call for the address when I get close."

Me: Oh my gosh, Marci! He wants to watch the movie with us... He's coming. Guys, he's coming to watch Jennifer Lopez!"
Marci: "Yeah, he likes you a lot."

And so we watched Maid in Manhattan...

When the movie was over, everyone else was asleep. Ben and I chatted for maybe 10 more minutes. I remember him complementing me on how soft my hands looked... I walked him to the door. He gave me another side hug, and told me that he was really happy that he got to meet me.

And that is how I met my best friend...

Keeping Perspective

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Antoine de Saint

An eternal perspective is amongst the few things that brings me peace. Yet at times it seems impossible to keep this mindset, when I have to also focus on here and now.
In a sense, I envy Ben.
He is able to see things so much more clearly than I can.

While I don't have his perfect knowledge of things, I am grateful for the perspective these recent events have given me. Aspects of my life now make perfect sense; whereas before there was room for doubt. I feel continually enlightened in small ways on a daily basis.

The love Ben and I have will never fade or diminish.
We are eternally linked.

For now, there is so much room for growth in this mess. It's not what I've wanted, but I will find the good. I will take what I've learned, and build upon it.

And when all is said and done, I will look back at the tapestry of my life.
I will see the perfect picture.
I will understand, perfectly.

Yesterday

Yesterday I was reminded of something I miss...

These realizations hit me at the most unexpected times. It's overwhelming to think of all the things I miss about him. But when I think of what my girls will miss, my heart breaks again.

A big part of Jocee's night-time routine, was to spend time with Daddy before she went to bed. I was always grateful for this. To me it was Ben's way of helping. I could easily feed Sophie and put her to bed quietly.

But more than helping me, it was Jocee's time to receive one-on-one attention from Ben. They would talk about her day. He would read to her. They would watch her cartoons. During football season, they would even watch football together. I would often hear them both yelling at the TV. Jocee rarely knew exactly what she was cheering for, but it made me smile every time.

Jocee loved the time she spent with her daddy. She would look forward to it each day. And when Ben was away on overnight trips, she missed him.

In short:
I know the awareness of his absence will continually impact me for the rest of all of our lives. My heart aches for all the experiences my girls are robbed of. Ben had so many plans for when they got older (I.E. camping, fishing, hiking, flying etc..). But the subtle day-to-day things are missed the most.

I still don't know how to handle it.
It hits with a paralyzing force.

Merry Christmas to All

...and to all a good night!!

Love,

The Hill Girls

Baby Steps

This cute girl is walking!!

First steps & pictures were taken on Sunday, the 20th!

Now I Understand

I am moved to tears on a daily basis. It's a foregone conclusion. I don't even try to fight them back. While there are plenty of tears brought on by grief and loss, I also find myself overcome with gratitude for all the experiences that I have been given. At 26 years old I have already had the opportunity to marry my life's love and to mother his children.

I loath being pregnant.
It's an ugly, painful, exhausting, seemingly endless 9 months; the only time in my life when I could easily complain for hours on end. I don't glow...without makeup. First trimester "morning sickness" doesn't limit itself to mornings or just the first trimester. Gaining excessive weight is easier than I'd like to admit. My body doesn't just bounce back...without a great deal of self discipline.

But enough complaining! Pregnancy is a necessary task, worth more than all the sacrifice. It is one of life's experiences that I am infinitely grateful for.

Daily I am reminded of how incredible my girls are. I love how different they are from each other. Physically, they have a sisterly resemblance. But this is where the similarities end. And I love that I was given 9 months to get acquainted with each of their sweet spirits before they were born.

First there was Jocelyn...

When I was pregnant with Jocelyn, she moved nearly nonstop. She twisted, she kicked, she punched, she stretched. In each of the ultrasounds we experienced with her, she would gladly show us just how much she liked to shift around. One of the ultrasound technicians had joked about her practicing Yoga at such a young age...

Yet more than her movements, I could feel her constant stream of emotion. I knew when she was happy, annoyed, nervous, or even bored. She seemed to be discontent with the confinement within me. My favorite memories of this pregnancy were the times when I could feel how much she already loved me. I knew that she felt each emotion intensely.

When Jocee was born all of this previous behavior made perfect sense. She came out both kicking and screaming. She never once wanted to be swaddled and would scream each time anyone would try. Each time she cried seemed urgent, and she would laugh equally as intense.

Then there was Sophia...

My pregnancy with Sophie was completely different. In so many ways I felt like I was experiencing pregnancy for the first time. Sometimes the differences would seem to be cause for concern. Sophie never moved as much. In each ultrasound she would stay in the same curled up position, with nearly no movement.

It seemed like my stressors or excitements had no effect on her. The only personality traits that I could gather, was that she was calm and easily content. She seemed completely unphased by external stimulous. Not even sugary foods could convince her to change from her norm.

I knew she would be different. Instinctively I bought several recieving blankets to swaddle her. And when she was born, we used every single one. This little girl barely ever cried. Firm swaddling was usually all it took to get her to sleep straight through the night. To this day, she is easily contented and happy most of the time. But none of this was a shock to me. I knew her before she was born.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully communicate how grateful I am for my girls. They are two constant reminders of Ben, and the love that we have for each other. They are his legacy; his life's greatest accomplishment. I am so very fortunate for the opportunity and privilege of being their mother.

Little Miss Articulate

One word commonly used by others to describe either Ben or me has been articulate. So it shouldn't be any surprise that we would pass this trait onto one (or both) of our kids.

Lately I have been musing over just how well-spoken Jocee is for her age. Not only does she speak in complete sentences, but she is also acutely expressive with what she chooses to say. This little girl has such a big personality.

She is especially good with asserting herself when she is angry, sad, or hurt. I find this ability particularly endearing. So many examples come to mind, but two always seem to stick out in my memory.


The first:
One day in September, Jocee rushed into the kitchen while I was in the process of cooking. She wanted to play, but I had water boiling and chicken grilling. At first I asked her to leave nicely.
Then I offered an incentive.
Then I threatened.
Then I counted to three.
Nothing.
So...I harshly took her by the arm, dragged her away from the stove, and out of the kitchen.
She began to cry, and exclaimed, "You hurt me! Be gentle, Mommy! Be gentle with, me! Be gentle with, Jocee!"

Tears immediately flooded my eyes. At that point Jocee had often heard me tell her to "be gentle with Sophie," while she would play with her. But in this situation I wasn't showing Jocee the same concern, and she knew it.
(Once dinner was done and the kitchen was safe, I hugged her, apologized, and have since resolved to be more gentle. She absolutely deserves it.)


The second:
We moved in with my in-laws on November 7th. It was hectic like most moves are. The day after, both girls had been up most of the night and were extremely fussy. Jocee has always been the more dramatic of the two, and was crying quite a bit.
After a while I impatiently said, "Jocee! Will you just be quiet?!"
Without missing a beat, she sweetly said, "No, Mommy. I'm crying. I need a cry!"

Again, a realization hit me. All throughout this process I have tried not to cry when I'm around Jocee. I've wanted her to know that we are all going to be okay. But despite my effort, I have cried in front of her...several times. Each time she has been patient with me, and has never reacted negatively (not once). On some level she understands that everyone needs to cry sometimes, and that it's completely acceptable.


I am just so honored to be Jocee's mother. At 2 1/2 years old her simple insights, and view of the world seem so poetically profound. I love that she is able to articulate herself, even in difficult situations. I love the things she comes up with everyday. I love listening to her cute little voice. I love everything about her. She is amazing!

Thankful

To say that life has been difficult recently would be an outright understatement. There are so many emotions to deal with on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis. I find myself wishing things could be different, wishing I could just have the life we had planned on, wishing I didn't have to be without my best friend.

But at the same time, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for what I do have.

1. There aren't words enough to convey how thankful I am for Ben.

(In fact, I should probably do a different post for him entirely.) But I will say, I am thankful for all the time we were given. I am thankful for his enduring sweetness, and selflessness. Even now, his love and concern for us leaves me in awe. Marrying Benjamin David Hill is unequivocally the best choice I have made, and will make in this life.

2. I am thankful for Jocee and Sophie.

Jocee's eyes are Ben's exact shade of brown. She has a will, wit, and passion for life that will never fade.

Sophie is Ben's little carbon copy. She is sweet, easy-going, and smart as all get out. I couldn't have been entrusted with more beautiful, intelligent, amazing little girls.

3. I am thankful for all of my brothers and sisters-in-law. They are more than just "in-laws," friends, or even best friends. They are my family. There are no favorites. I genuinely love them all. I am so very fortunate to have each of them in my life.

4. I am thankful for Richard & Elaine. While living with them has been an adjustment for all parties involved, their generosity is remarkable. To spare me from more trauma, Richard stepped in and took care of all the ugly details and final arrangements for Ben. Elaine has helped me through so many difficult moments with this whole process.

5. I am thankful for my parents and sister. My dad has always been such a good example to me. My mom is the best grandmother. And my sister...(you can read more about her...here.) Gotta lover her!

6. I am thankful for good friends. I feel so fortunate to have people who love me and are supportive of me outside of just family.

7. In short; I am grateful for such a strong support system. Lately it seems like people's general comments have revolved around how "strong" I am. In all honesty, I nearly never feel that way. I couldn't handle things the same without such amazing people in my life.


And once again, there aren't words enough to express my gratitude...

(#4... I'll just say, some lessons need to be learned the hard way.)

Photography by Crystal

Friday was another difficult day.
The finality of our mortal circumstances will always bring tears to my eyes.

Family brought cameras.
We felt it was important to have something to show the girls when they're older.

Sophie was asleep for most of it.
But Crystal got some adorable shots of Jocee.
This little girl and her sister bring such light and strength to my life during seemingly somber times.

I love my sisters!
(All 6 of them!)

100 Years

It's the title of a song.

Whenever I would hear this song, I would fondly think of all that life had in store for Ben and me.

• Having babies...
• Watching these beautiful girls grow up...
• Ben taking the girls hiking, camping, fly fishing, etc... (And all while Jocee screams her head off! A tomboy, she in not!)
• Celebrating their every milestone together...
• Buying our first home..
• Buying and/or building our dream home...
• Traveling when we would eventually get the time, money, & pilot benefits...
• Sleeping in when all of our kids went off to college...
• Becoming grandparents...

(Not to mention all the little plans we had for the coming days, weeks, & months.)

These plans are now interrupted. To say they are completely ruined, for me would imply a sense of hopelessness.

I've always been the kind of person who likes to live in the future. I like to plan. I like to have goals to strive for and anticipate. The "5-year-plan" is something I'm all too familiar with. Although none of these "plans" have ever entirely come to fruition, I would continue to make them anyway. Having some direction is better than none at all.

For the first time in my life, I am not making any real plans. I am really only able to live in the present. Right here and right now is all that I can control. It is all that really matters.

I will not think of how I will get through this next week, month, year, or five years.
Right now is all that matters.
Right now, I will get a glass of water.

One Year Ago Today...

Ben writes letters to the girls from time to time in journals that he bought, when each of them were first born. I always love reading what he puts in those little blank books.

He wrote the following to Sophie, on the day we brought her home.
(One year ago, today...)

11/8/2008

My Dearest Sophie,

We brought you home from the hospital today. You are perfect, and your mother and I are overjoyed to have you. You were born 3 days ago by c-section at Orem Community Hospital. 7 pounds, 9 ounces and 19 inches long. While you look very much like your sister did at birth, your mom and I immediately noticed that your voice, your cry is different. Through the whole pregnancy things have been different. From the foods your mom craved, to the way you moved. Your sister was, and is as of this writing, a kicker. You have been very calm and since your birth, very mellow. I was there at your birth, took you while the doctor stitched up your mom. I was with you the whole time. When your eyes opened, I was the first face you saw. Mine was the first finger you held. I am so happy to have you. I loved you before you were born, and that has only grown stronger these last 3 days. I am excited to be your father.

Love,
Your Dad

(Ben's signature)

Dear Sophia Leigh...

Dear Sophie,

Today you turn one year old! One year ago today, we welcomed you into our family. Instantly we knew that you were perfect, beautiful, and nothing short of amazing.

With time we have been able to become acquainted with your sweet little spirit.

• You are sweet to the core!
• You are kind.
• You are affectionate.--You love to give hugs, and have earned the nick-name, Buggy. Our little "cuddle bug."
• You have developed your adorable sense of humor!
• You have the best little laugh, and love to be tickled.
  
• You are assertive. You don't let your big sister push you around.
  
• You are without a doubt, a talker! I am amazed by how many words you have already.
• You have your daddy's calm temperament.
  

You love your sister, and like nothing more than to play with her. It has always been our hope that the two of you grow up to be best friends.


Your daddy loves, and will always love you; more than I could ever relate. He has adored you from the moment he was told of your existence. Daddy spent every moment he could with you. If you had a hard time sleeping, he would get up with you at night or early mornings. He would play with you. He would talk to you. He loved to comfort you and sooth your cries. He would cuddle with you whenever you would let him.

Daddy wants the absolute best for you. He would give you the world if he could. He wants you to be happy, healthy, and safe. Most of all, Daddy wants you to always know how precious you are to him. Daddy will always watch over you with concern for your well being. You are so very blessed to have him as your father.

(Sunday morning, 18 Oct 2009)

Love,
Mommy

My Life's Love

I genuinely enjoy writing.
Although, I leave plenty of room for improvement.
I wish that I could put my emotions into words more adequately.

I like to blog...
But I never thought I would be grateful for our blog.
Most things on the internet can turn into a waste of time.
Priceless, finite time...

I am grateful that I took some of that limited resource to write and post the following 2 entries.

5 Years & 2 Kids Later...

30 Reasons Why I Love, Benjamin Hill

Oh, how I wish I could put my feelings into words.

Sweet Baby Girl

Sophia Leigh will be one year old in exactly one week.

I am flooded with emotions by this realization. For weeks I have found myself musing over this last year (and preceding pregnancy), and feeling abundantly blessed for every moment.

When I was pregnant with her, I wondered if I could love another child as much as I love her sister. I loved and adored her from the second I found out that she was on her way. But would it be equal? Could I make them both know how precious they are to me? These were just some of the questions that would cross my mind periodically.

Then Sophie was born, and I found that my heart had been waiting for her all along. Just like before, my heart and whole being expanded...almost exploding in complete awe of her.

As her mother, I am filled with gratitude. She is more than I could have ever hoped for. Getting to know her sweet spirit is a gift.

Although part of me is sad that she is growing up so quickly, I am overjoyed and looking forward to each new phase of her life. She continues to amaze me everyday!

FYI

Sometimes when I get busy, I'll write a post and schedule it to be published at a later date.

Silly, but I usually try for once a week.

About 2 weeks ago, I wrote 2 posts and predated them.
I don't have the heart to take them down.
The first will post tonight.

The one that I scheduled for Nov 8th, now means so much.
And, you'll soon see why.



I love and miss Ben in a way that mere mortal words fail to express. The concept of eternity is the only thing that brings me peace. I'm just so sad that our time was so short. The three of us are so blessed to have him as ours.

Pretty Toes

Jocee loves when our toes match!
She picked the color & even "helped" paint it on.

Thanks Laura, for starting her young.
(Tonight before bed, she asked for "blue toes." I blame you.)

Its good to be King.....if just for one day

Departing KPVU

Nothing but ground in the first wing over

800 Shaft Horsepower a side makes a happy boyChicks dig Beta