How he carried a black pocket knife everywhere. And how he'd whip it out any time I'd ask for scissors.
How he'd always insist on sitting right next to me in restaurants (instead of across the table).
How he'd make up little songs for me. And how they usually came out sounding more like brand jingles.
His laugh. How it got high-pitched when something was super funny.
How he wouldn't fix his cowlick in the morning, if I told him it looked cute.
How he'd sometimes refer to himself in the third person. "Don't worry. Your Benny will fix it."
How he was the only person I knew who still used the word, "gnarly."
How he'd make the same exact facial expressions that I'd recognize from his kiddie photos.
How he'd draw hearts on my palm. (Along with so many other things I've already mentioned before.)
How as I fell asleep in bed at night, he'd always put a pillow between my knees so that my lower back wouldn't hurt. And how he'd laugh as I grumbled each time, because he kind of woke me up.
...what it felt like to be around Ben.
I hope I don't ever forget...even the littlest things.
You may need me there To carry all your weight But you're no burden, I assure You tide me over With a warmth I'll not forget But I can only give you love.
Remember last year, when I posted about what happened today (8 years ago)??
I know I've mentioned that he was kind of awful with remembering birthdays and anniversaries. But this day was the exception. Whenever this day rolled around, Ben was always the first to remind me. He was sincere when he'd tell me what it meant to him.
If he were alive today, I would have woken up to him wishing me a "Happy 8 Years Luvees."---Because it's the day when he decided that he loved me. And it's the day I decided to take a chance on him.
I really do love May. I always have. And when Ben popped into my world, I loved it even more.
But right now I just don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I'll even catch myself feeling antsy and anxious. Hate that.
I don't want to cry, so I haven't been. Much. The puffy eye look isn't good on me. And I can just picture Ben shrugging his shoulders with a "Gin,-we've-been-over-this" attitude.
That empty ache is still there. It just might be permanent. But I don't want to be stuck. Ben wouldn't (doesn't) want me stuck either. That's when people get frumpy...
No more wallowing. For now.
In so many aspects, I have been blessed beyond measure.
I love when your husband's friends request you on FB, because they're missing him too.
Then I love when some of them leave you sweet notes periodically, just so you don't feel forgotten.
And because they are so thoughtful online, and you make trips out to UT whenever you can, I love how you decide you've just gotta meet them in real life.
And the best part is when all of their posts translate into a real person, who is just as genuine as they seem.
So Mother's Day rolls around, and intuitively they just know this day will be a difficult one. And because they know, and they read your blog, they send you your favorite flowers just to brighten the day. I love when that happens!
I saw this video today, and loved it. Everyone should watch it and take it to heart.
But it got me wondering... What if the current me, could talk to the younger me? What would I tell myself? Would I listen to me? I've already written one of those open letters to myself.
But what would I say to 16 year old me?
Hmm...
Dear 16 Year Old Me,
Congrats on getting your braces off! Now stop smiling like a barbie for just a moment, and listen to me!
Stop relaxing your hair. It's only going to end up a fried mess. Embrace your natural curls.
Embrace all of who you are. Those padded bras are uncomfortable, huh? Just stop wearing them now.
Here's a list of tools to avoid... [names not seen here to protect the innocent. :)] Here's a list of NICE boys to give the time of day... [same story.]
Oh, in two years you're going to go off to college...across the country, in the middle of nowhere. You're going to be as indecisive as all get out. Just make writing your major. The medical field does not suit you, and you're not quite ready for new-agey yet either. Trust me on that one, k?
About 18 months after that you're going to meet an amazing man. You'll know he's the one because of how he adores you. He's going to want to marry you two months after you start dating. Don't second guess it.
He's not perfect. In fact, he'll totally screw up your first Mother's Day. But don't be too angry at him for that one! Please be sweet to him everyday you have him with you; especially when he drives you crazy.
He will spend everyday of the rest of forever making sure you feel his love for you.
The joy and love you'll experience as a mother can scarcely be described, and deserves a letter all it's own. Perhaps 40 Year Old Me will have more on that.
Oh, and bringing it back to melanoma... You're going to be tempted to visit those tanning beds way too much. DON'T DO IT! 27 Year Old Me still doesn't know what those 3 years are going to get you.
I laughed at myself (and kinda screamed) this morning as a bottle of sparkling water exploded on me. Sophie laughed too... It was awesome.
I laughed when some classy broad flipped my off in Braintree. For the record, I'm not quite sure what I did to make her so angry. But I'll just blame it on her minivan and frizzy hair. I'd be having a bad day too...
I laughed when I asked Jocee why she was in timeout, and her answer was, "Because I don't like it, and you know it." --It's a good thing we talked about it after!
I laughed when Sophie yelled, "Mommy, Mommy! Let down your hair!"
It's her favorite movie, and the only one she'll watch the whole way through. She tells me I'm Rapunzel all the time. I know! I don't see it either!
But if you're looking for a true likeness, I found this pretty accurate! Thanks, T.Thorpe!
Oh, and I laughed really hard when I watched this...
Seriously, watch it 5 times. It just gets funnier! The poor kid...
It's all so vivid in my mind, and yet it feels so far away.
After the ceremony was done, I remember walking out of the bridal room, and smiling at him. I remember a sweet old man walking by us and saying, "You know you've picked the right one when you smile like that."
I remember Ben taking every opportunity to refer to me as his wife, like he was savoring the word.
I even remember this moment perfectly... The reception was almost over. There were no new guests to greet. Ben was talking to friends. Not thinking, I went and sat at an empty table by myself. Almost as soon as I had sat down, he was in front of me. He asked me if I was tired. I just smiled. Then he kissed me.
