Family of Four

Jocee loves to paint.
In Ben's absence, it has become therapeutic for her.

As I was cleaning this morning, she approached me with her latest painting.
She was absolutely insistent for me to stop everything I was doing to look at it with her. To date, she has never been so relentless about anything that she has created. She just kept pleading, "Please, Mommy! Please look at my painting."

When she said, "Please! I made Daddy!" my heart sank.
We sat down on the couch so she could have my undivided attention.

Jocee then explained what this painting was.

Daddy is all the blue and yellow.
Mommy is all the green.
Jocee is red/pink.
Sophie is purple.
(The orange & black are the dogs & cats)

As I studied it, I noticed that blue and yellow are the prominent colors. "Daddy" is everywhere. She misses him deeply.

Although this little girl can be so articulate, some emotions are still difficult to convey. She amazes me. I am so happy that she continually looks for ways to express herself, when the words escape her.

Reasons to Visit India...#221

As a part of my efforts to break out of my comfort zone...
My sister and I went to the local celebration.

And yet, somewhere amidst the color throwing, loud music, belly dancing, vegetarian eats, and laughter...I felt oddly at home.

Sure, it was held at a temple just minutes away from where I live...
And sure, those belly dancers traveled all the way from Boise, Idaho...
And yes, I've almost entirely made the switch to being fully vegan...

But I've never had that much fun, while looking that ridiculous...ever!



Favorite quote of the day:
(While walking from where we parked...)
Random guy working on his yard : What are all the people walking for??!
Laura: It [the shuttle] is taking too long!
Me: Laura, I don't think that's what he was asking.
Laura: Ooh. He doesn't know about the festival...

Laugh and Cry

There are so many moments when I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Jocee sat on my bed, and watched as I folded laundry today.
I came across an old pair of blue sweatpants. I hadn't worn them in a while. As I folded them, Jocee exclaimed, "Mommy! Those are Daddy's comfy pants! You fold them for him!!"

I just nodded my head in agreement, and smiled.


First, I wanted to laugh.

• They are very similar to Ben's favorite pair. So they probably are a bit masculine for my taste.
• They are definitely 2 or 3 sizes too big; something that fit much better when I was newly postpartum.
• They are absolutely a pair that Ben hated on me, and would like to see me throw away; not flattering at all.
  

And then I wanted to cry.

• My sweet little girl remembers something so subtle about her daddy. He did wear similar sweats, and always called them his, "comfy pants."
• A rush of memories flooded my mind...
• Our lazy winter weekends... He'd change into those sweats as soon as he got home, and that always meant that he was all mine.
• How adorably content he looked, once he had changed into them.
  
• How he was always so grateful to me, when he found out those sweats were clean and folded just waiting for him. He appreciated the simple things.
  

The simple things are missed the most.

(And Benny, I promise to throw them away before I go to bed tonight. No more baggy, old sweats that don't fit. Promise. :))

Always/Never

A good friend tagged me, so I had to!

1. I will always wish Ben was here...physically.
2. I will always put my girls first.
3. I will always trust my own intuition over anyone else.
4. I will always look for ways to improve myself, in every facet.
5. I will always strive to see the silver lining.


1. I will never judge others critically.
2. I will never like snow.
3. I will never be completely cured of my chocolate addiction.
4. I will never quite fit in Utah (and to me, that's a good thing).
5. I will never stop loving or missing Ben as much as I do right now. Never.


To anyone reading this:
Tag! You're it!
:)

21

Such a happy and perfect day...

I remember the first year that we were married. On the 21st of each month, one of us would smile and announce how many months we had been married. Ben always wanted to celebrate the day, however big or small the celebration was.

With the start of our second year, that tradition quickly faded away.
But every once in a while, when the 21st would roll around...I liked to bring it up. It was fun to reminisce about when we were silly "newlyweds." It always brought a smile to each of our faces.
~
Then the meaning changed.
And now it has become a day on the calender, to mark each month I have survived without my love here.

5 months.

A big part of me just wants to look over at Ben, and remind him that, today, we have been married for 5 years & 10 months. I'd rather be anticipating the plans that he made to soon celebrate our 6 years.
He started planning last May, and he was so proud of his creativity.
(Our first kid-free weekend away...in Yellowstone.)

But instead, I sit here wondering how I've endured these months without him.

And so as this day arrives each month, I will forever think of 2 things.

1. The day that I followed through with my best decision made in mortality.
2. The day my love left mortality.

The Bloopers

St. Patrick's Day photos were super fun!

I wanted just ONE good shot of the girls in their cute green outfits, that a friend got them. Perfect for St. Patrick's Day!
Elaine took the pictures for me. But after a few attempts it was obvious that total cooperation wasn't going to happen.

And so, here is a series we affectionately refer to as,
"The Bloopers!"
(Because behind every photo, there is a story.)

In moments like these, I can't help but laugh!

Maybe Easter will be easier.
Maybe.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Love,
The Hill Girls

Dear Me...

Sometimes I look back on mistakes I've made and I can't help but laugh. More often than not, I was too stubborn and determined to listen to anyone. And yet I wonder if I would have listened to myself. My future self; the one who knows where these decisions will lead me.

I want to tell this girl...

The one who just graduated from high school, and is finding herself confused at a university in the middle of no where...
The girl that can't make up her mind, and is switching majors as often as she straightens her hair...
I want to tell her to listen to her parents (along with every English teacher that she has ever had) and pursue writing.
~
I want to tell this girl...

The one who just started dating this sweet boy...

I want to tell her to NOT listen to her parents. They don't know what she knows.
I want to tell her to listen to every bit of intuition she has ever been given. There is no time for doubt.
I want to tell her to just say "YES!" the first time he proposes.
I want to tell her to get married sooner, like she wants to.
I want to tell her that there is not time to waste.
~
I want to tell this girl...

The one who is half way through her first pregnancy...
I want to convey to her, all of the joy she is about the experience.
I want to tell her that she will bear each scar with pride.
~
And someday I hope to be able to tell this girl...

The one who just lost her sweet husband...
The girl who at times feels more lost and grief stricken than words can express...

Someday, I want her to be able to see the big picture perfectly.
Someday, I want her to fully understand that these tears, and longing are for but a small moment.
Someday, I want to be able to tell her that this was all so very worth it.

Sleeping Beauties

I love my babies...

4 Months, 1 Week, & 6 Days

In the last 4 months, 1 week, and 6 days...

Little Miss...

• has learned even more songs.
• loves to sing all day long (by herself or accompanied).
• sings the "ABCs" perfectly.
  
• has developed a love of lip gloss.
• has an opinion on how I'll style her hair, and what outfit she wears each day.
  
• dresses herself entirely, and will not accept any help.
• saw her first movie in a theater (with Nana & Pop-pop).
• loves Tinkerbell.
• wants everything to be pink (everything)!
• loves to "help" cook or clean.
• asks real questions and wants real answers.
• continues to tell me how much she loves Daddy.
  

Buggy...

• has learned how to walk.
• has got a full set of teeth.
• can hold conversations with her sister.
  
• has become even more assertive & independent.
• climbs like a monkey.
• can laugh for hours on end.
• has discovered the joys of "dress-up."
• loves to accessorize any outfit.
• loves playing with her baby dolls.
  
• talks constantly, and has an expansive vocabulary for her age.
• says "peas, da-do, & welcome" (aka- please, thank you, & you're welcome).
  
• has grown like a little weed.

Time has stood still, and yet it has passed too quickly. The girls are proof of that.

I look at where life has taken us in this short while, and I don't necessarily like it. I often catch myself wondering what I would be doing in a given moment, if my best friend was still here.

I miss telling Ben about all the new things that the girls would do while he was gone. I miss his reaction when he would then witness their cute antics for the first time. It was always priceless; complete adoration. But I wonder if he sees more now. He no longer has to wait until he comes home from work to hear about their new milestones. He can see it all first hand.

:)

These pictures make me smile....

And it's not because Sophie is the cutest 16-month-old there is.

And it's not because she is fiercely independent.

And it's not because she looks darling in her sweater dress.

And it's not because she carries her blanket everywhere.


Haven't figured it out yet??
Oh, well!
;)

A Makeover

I love these little girls.

But almost more than them...

I love the way they play together.

They are so sweet and kind (usually).

They are learning to be considerate.

They are learning to compromise.

They are learning to share.

Sometimes they even play quietly...
.
.
.
.
.

There were no innocent bystanders this time!
After switching laundry the other day, I walked into the bedroom to see them helping each other with mascara application.