The RMV

(NOTE: This is an old draft from mid December. I was clearing out my drafts folder, and decided to post it. I haven't quite finished it, but if I don't upload it now I probably never will.)

I had waited until the last possible day to get my UT plates changed. I got my number and sat down; only 5 people before me, and an open seat. Yays! I looked down at the death certificate, and covered it with another paper. No one needed to know or feel bad.

As I looked looked through my purse for my chap stick, I heard the cutest Irish accent just a few feet away. I looked over at a sweet older Irish lady talking to a younger girl. She was briefly explaining where she was from, and asked the young girl about herself.

The younger girl was 21 and in college. She like really wanted to travel to Ireland someday, and like totally backpack through Europe too. She had been to Spain with friends, and it was awesome. The older lady smiled and nodded as this young girl went onto explain how she to wait until her birthday to get the "over 21" license and a new photo taken. She was like 16 in the old one, and had braces and un-blown-out hair. Awful!

As I listened to her talk, I missed the 21-year-old me. I remembered when I was like her; when I had time to get all dolled up for a DMV photo shoot... Ben married me weeks before I turned 21... Such a sweet time in my life.

Anyway, before long her number was called and she was gone. Minutes after that, the older Irish lady, got up and happily greeted someone she already knew. I thought to myself, "How fun is that? I never run into people I know here!"

As they embraced they both started crying. [By that point the guy next to me was making small talk. It made eavesdropping tricky.] In hushed tones the concerned friend asked how she had been, and apologized for not visiting with her more. That cute Irish lady's husband had recently passed away. She went on to talk about how difficult it had been on her, how much she missed him....and I had to stop listening.

My heart broke for her. For a moment I found it odd that at 27, I probably had more in common with a 60-something, than that 21-year-old girl getting the new license. And then I felt humbled realizing that each of us in that small overcrowded room had likely experienced our own brand of heartache.

I only hope that mine makes me better than I was before.

25 Ben Things

Sometimes when I miss him extra, I'll go and read his FB profile. More often than not, it makes me laugh.

I've thought I should post his "25 random things" note for a while. It's totally Ben summed up in his own words. Priceless stuff.

And that whole copy&paste thing makes for an easy post. :)

I never read these things, or reply to them, but my wife would be so happy if I do, so I will do it.

1. Rule #1: Don’t trust anybody. The only exception to this rule is with family, and some close friends. This is not the paranoid untrusting (that’s another trait), but more in the sense that you can’t trust people to look out for anyone but themselves; and you are the only person that will genuinely do what is best for you and yours every time.
2. I am a complete cheap skate. If it isn’t on sale, closeout, overstock, or somehow the cheapest it can be possibly be found, I won’t buy it.
3. I really, genuinely, and with all sincerity…..don’t care about things that are not my responsibility. Apathy is the name of the game. I care deeply about my family and friends, but outside of that, I don’t give a rats. Don’t ask me to join a cause or crusade to save this, or help that, or vote for this or that. Please stop the Facebook invites.
4. I trout religiously. I have loved fishing as long as I can remember. In fact one of my earliest memories is of my dad taking me fishing; I think I was three or so. I had a clear fiberglass rod (the hexagonal kind) and I rallied a little Onchoryncus on a rooster tail spinner. I slipped into the water while fighting it, but I didn’t care. I keep a rod and reel in my car, just in case I get a chance.
5. I hate heat. I would rather it be -20 than anything over 80 degrees.
6. I love Utah, I really do. Now that it has been 17 years I don’t think of Oregon as home at all.
7. I find it funny how people think my job is so cool for all the wrong reasons. I love it because after 7 hours in the air dealing with those things that only another pilot would understand; Lockheed Martin FSS, trainee controllers, foreign students making 8 minute long flight following requests to the wrong freq while you are passing your IAF in actual without clearance, “unverified” traffic 12 o’clock opposite direction 2 miles; after all that kind of crap I get to watch sun go down on the snow covered Wasatch from 16,000 feet; no camera can take that picture.
8. I am not a democrat, I am not a republican, I am an American and I want my country back.
9. I am paranoid; it is a family trait. I will peek through the blinds at somebody parking across the street, even if I know who they are. When somebody knocks on the door, my first thought is “where is a gun?” not “Am I wearing pants?”
10. I hold a concealed firearm permit, and carry my pistol every day. I do so not so much because of number 9, but more because I firmly believe in the only valuable lesson I learned from the boy scouts, their motto.
11. I am mathematically challenged. Time, distance, and fuel burn I can do in my head quick and easy. Addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division I am ok with. Anything else, no good.
12. I keep titanium close to my heart
13. I am very interested in history. I am constantly amazed at how human kind as a whole fails to learn the lessons of the past.
14. Musically, I am very non-experimental. I can have the same CD in my car player for months and not get sick of it. Since about September it has been a compilation of Apocalyptica.
15. Books, oh man books. I haven’t had the time to read a book in months and its starting to drive me crazy. I will usually read a book and then give it away, only a few rare books have I read more than once.
16. I never give respect, no matter who the person is. My respect must be earned.
17. The best compliment I have ever been given was to be called articulate.
18. I remember details. I can quote books word for word, but probably could not tell you what part of the book it was from, sometimes not even what book it came from. Though I can tell you whether it was on the left or right page and if it was top, middle, or bottom of the page.
19. Mountains; something in me must have them.
20. I am a procrastinator when it comes to school work. I can’t do anything until the deadline looms.
21. I have been accused of being a good friend; showing up to help someone move, helping out when someone is in a bind, even burying one.
22. I love my brothers and sisters; they are some of my best friends.
23. When I found out I would be the father of a little girl the first thing I did was buy a shotgun; keep the boys at bay.
24. My daughters are the most incredible little girls. I love them heart and soul. If my Jocee cries, I cry. If my Sophie is sick, I cry. If I am away for more than a few hours I miss them terribly. It makes me so happy to see the way they react when I come home. Jocee is in a bad mood if she hasn’t had enough dad time in a day. Sophie smiles when I talk to her. They are my life’s greatest accomplishment.
25. My Ginny is my best friend.

Sooo...yes, I did use some of those things for that 30th birthday post. But I would have included them anyway! He just said them better. :)

So over you

This sums my January up.

At the risk of sounding like so many others..I'm ready for it to be done.


:)

Delayed Reflexes

I finally did it.
I changed my marital status on FB (15 months later).

Sheesh, that was hard!

I'll be the first to admit that this borderlines pathetic. Actually it's probably full-blown pathetic. I realize that it's just FB. Ben wouldn't (no, doesn't) care either way.

The odd part is that I've owned my widowhood. Taking off my wedding ring 3 months in was almost easy. It's my life experience and I'm not ashamed of it...even though the word repulses me, and I hate what it has done. Seriously, when I think of the word "widow," I think of those disgusting spiders, and older women dressed in frumpy amounts of black. But I digress...

I decided that it was time to make a change back in December. A very sweet FB friend whom I haven't seen or spoken to in years, wished both me and Ben a Merry Christmas. I couldn't help but feel responsible for the mix-up.

Really, I just want to be honest with people.

But as silly as I know it sounds...
I'll really miss seeing his thumbnail linked to my profile...and our wedding date too.

That is all.

Ben: the workout buff

With all those ambitions weight loss resolutions going around, I've been reminded of Ben a lot. He was notorious for it. But if he wasn't hiking or fishing or playing some sport, those goals were pretty useless.

Like after I had Jocee.... When she was about 4 months old I got serious about losing the baby weight. Ben saw my determination, and must have felt inspired. I remember playing with Jocee in her room one day. He was strutting around the apartment, eating an apple and holding one of my Pilates DVDs (a 20-minute ab workout). He was so cocky as he told me his plan---20 minutes a day and some better food choices would get him right where he wanted to be.

I warned him that it would be an intense 20 minutes (since I usually quit 10 minutes in...). He brushed me off and went out to the living room to get started. About five minutes into it, I heard him struggling. It took all the composure I had to stifle my laughter.

And just like I had done before, he mumbled some expletive and stopped the DVD...halfway through. He came into Jocee's room, told me Pilates was for chicks, and never attempted it again.

But I couldn't blame him. It was an intense 20 minutes... :)

OR

In the summer of 2008, when gas prices were sky rocketing... Ben was constantly complaining about how he was gaining weight then, too. (Whatever.) His solution was to buy a bike. Riding it to work would save on gas, and trim his waist line. (Whatever.)

I was totally against it. I knew exactly what would happen. Even my sister remembers me telling her my detailed predictions. With him always running late in the mornings and a weird work schedule, the outcome was inevitable.

I told him how I felt.
He didn't listen.
I was too pregnant to care.
He bought one anyway.
I was right.
He never used it.

Except for this ONE time....

Did I mention I was pregnant with Sophie that summer?? Hah... Well, I was usually annoyed and wanted him to help me with cleaning more.

He was super annoyed at me, too. I wasn't good at restricting myself to partial bed rest (doctor's orders). I remember following him out to the living room, as we went back and forth. We continued on, having two different conversations until he said he was leaving.
I thanked him. (He was getting on my very last hormonally-shot nerve, so I welcomed the break.)

For the first (and only) time ever, he grabbed that bike and walked out the door. He seemed extra annoyed at me too, so I figured he'd be gone a while.

No more than 10 minutes later he was back; out of breath and a little bit sweaty. I was sitting on the couch. He happily walked over to me, kissed me, and went to shower. Again, I had to stifle laughter.
Easiest argument ever.
~
And so lately whenever I pop a Pilates DVD in the player or see his once used bike in the garage...I think of these stories and smile to myself.

I love Ben.

Why I love Lizzie B

Remember how I said this girl needs her own post?? Well, here are just a few of the reasons why she's one of my besties...

• I've mentioned it before, but... We went to high school together, had a lot of the same classes and some of the same friends. But oddly enough, we never ever spoke to each other back then. Anyway, when she heard about the crash, we started emailing and both realized just how like-minded we are.

• I call her my "psychic twin." We're almost always on the same wavelength. Love it!
  

• She is always the first to be there for her friends. Always. If needed, she'll drop whatever she's doing to help someone.

• She's one of the most optimistic people I've ever met; especially when things go crappy.
  

• This girl can have a serious potty mouth. She's this delicate looking, classy girl, and yet F-bombs can come flying out of her mouth with a vengeance. I can't help but laugh when her Bostonian road rage surfaces. Oh, and she's the absolute only person I know who can use sometimes derogatory terms as endearment, and actually pull it off.

• She is the best at blowing off skeezy guys! Love her!
  

• She appreciates my Utard-ness, and tells me not to change.
  

• I admire her independence. Her hubby is a firefighter, so she's used to doing things without him. Whether she knows it or not, she has been a positive example of a strong woman to me.
  

• I'm not sure how she does it, but she gets kick-A tickets where ever we go. She is the funnest person to go to concerts with. It was also 100% her idea to take Jocee and her niece to see Princesses on Ice. Priceless!
  

• She has the most eclectic taste in music ever.

• I'm a big fan of her fashion sense (because it's so similar to mine!). I'm currently holding a dress of her's hostage... :)

There are other things I could add to the list, but I'll stop here. I'm so lucky to be able to call her a friend. I've said it before and I'll say it again! Everybody needs a Lizzie B!

More proof that I'm old

I remember making fun of prom dresses from decades gone by...

I used to promise myself that I'd never wear anything so ridiculous. I was glad that fashion had evolved for the better. My prom photos would be forever timeless.

Hah!!

I've been going through old scrapbooks, and I came across this beauty. (Remember when scrapbooking was the thing to do?)

Back in '01, I thought this dress was perfect. Kind of... It was a last-minute purchase. I got it at Deb for a whopping $30. (That was lame, even back then. But I've always been a procrastinator...)

But that's only part of the disaster!!

I'm sure the amount of product in my hair reached toxic levels. I probably could have kept it that way for an entire week. I can't believe I paid someone to slick my hair to my head and put some random barrel curls in it. And every girl at that prom (and every other prom) was guilty of the same. Why was it okay to do that??

Then there are the accessories!! I probably got all that costume jewelry at Deb too. [Cringe.] And remember, this was 2001. Christina Aguilera was huge. I was so, so flattered when people told me I looked like her. And since she wore crystal tattoos, I had to wear them too. I'm sure the one on my..decollete...screamed "super classy!"

And makeup... I was definitely wearing blue eyeshadow, and blue eyeliner....to match the dress!

The kicker: I thought I looked hawt.
But didn't we all??

:)

I get it!

I catch it at least twice a day...and I smile to myself.

8 letters
3 words
1 meaning

"I love you."


Message received.
:)