Happy Halloween!!

Love,

Sleeping Beauty & Rapunzel

One Year Ago Today

I attended the sweetest funeral I'll ever go to.

A chapel in Springville, Utah was above maximum capacity. More than 500 people were there. There was a certain measure of comfort in seeing so many pilot uniforms as I walked in.

My only request was a closed casket. I didn't want any memory of Ben inanimate.

His younger brother and one of his best friends centered their talks on his service to others. His sisters and sisters-in-law read that 30th birthday post I wrote, and his "25 random things" FB note. His older brother read Ben's letters to our babies.

It was such a sweet representation of his life. I smiled as I heard people laugh. I knew it's what Ben wanted. I was grateful to be his.

(It could have been perfect if we didn't ask his mission president to close with the Plan of Salvation. Epic FAIL. Annnd if the stake president didn't randomly get up and awkwardly ramble about how he didn't understand why these things happen to good young people. Mood killer. But perfect is unattainable! :))

One year has passed, and a day hasn't gone by that I haven't felt that same gratitude. That sharp, crippling pain may ease, but love remains the same.

The Crash Site

All I wanted to do on the 21st was to go to the crash site. In the days after the crash, the NTSB workers offered to show family members the wreckage. A few people went, but I could not.

I've played that denial card to varying degrees for far too long. And so one year later, I wanted to stand in that very spot at 4:09 PM MST. I wanted to see it for myself, and let reality sink in.

The drive to the airport was sweet. I laughed as I realized none of my makeup was waterproof.

When we got there, I looked at those rocks first. To this day, I don't understand why they are there. It's been explained that their purpose is to reinforce the dirt road. Genius, right?

And then I turned to my left and saw it.

I looked over at runway 3-6 and couldn't help but feel proud of him.
Ben really had been just a few feet shy of a different outcome. He loved when he could "paint the lines" on the runway with his landing gear. He'd post video on FB of those smooth, centered landings. This could have been one of them. But it wasn't.

Sometimes engine failure, a faulty fuel line, an unexpected headwind, and some up-sloped rocks prove to be too much.

I will always be grateful that I was able to go to the site one year later. It was one of those few clear moments in life. Those moments when I knew without doubt that I was supposed to be exactly where I was, exactly when I was there.

And when we got in the car to leave for the cemetery, I couldn't help but smile more...

Forever it's you, forever in me. Ever the same.

La La Lame!

Quoting song lyrics is pretty lame. I promised myself I'd never do that on a blog post. I really should be able to find better ways of saying things all on my own.

But when a song that I've never heard before comes on the radio, on the drive over to the crash site, exactly one year after my world fell apart....I make an exception. It's not a coincidence, and I love him for it.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I run to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Favorite life lesson this year: There is no such thing as closure when you love someone. The relationship continues on, and in the sweetest ways.

I love Ben.

(Note: I know the song isn't new or anything. Maybe I've heard it before, but I haven't listened.)

21 Oct 2009

(DISCLAIMER: This is long. I won't care if no one ever reads it.)

I've thought about that day, every single day for the last year.

I remember waking up tired, hoping the day would go by fast.

Sophie cried out, "Daddyyyy!" and Ben quickly went to her. I was glad that he did. Getting out of bed was hard. It was cloudy outside, and I didn't like it.

Ben left for work. I gave the girls their baths and breakfast. While they watched cartoons, I quickly mopped the floors.

He came home soon after I had started his laundry. I asked him if he liked the way the new floor cleaner smelled. It was supposed to smell like lavender. He had hated the lemony stuff I was using before. He shrugged indifferently and told me he was going to take a nap.

Later I went upstairs with the first load of clean laundry to put away. He was sitting in bed with the laptop. We smiled at each other while I started folding.

He mentioned that the owner of the offending plane wanted to start flying again.
The plane has just had work done, and it was ready to be flown again.
And so this...gentleman....(whom I have not heard from since)....wanted to fly again.

I sat down at the desktop and quickly responded to a few emails.
He told me I looked cute.
I rolled my eyes.
He just smiled.

I went downstairs and got busy with babies and more Ben laundry. I can't remember most of that day. But I do remember when he left. He came downstairs and put his shoes on. He explained where he was going. He was going to fly the plane from Provo to Spanish Fork and come right home. He told me he'd be back before dinner.

We weakly said, "Bye," as he walked out the door. He'd be home soon.


At 4:00 pm I started feeling agitated. Maybe he was on his way back. I wanted to call him, but couldn't find my phone.

I looked at the clock at 4:12 pm, right before I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I just reminded myself that he'd be home soon. I washed my face and looked in the mirror. I decided some makeup would make me feel better.

By 5:54 pm I decided dinner was going to happen without him. Jocee asked for eggs so I went along with it.

I was in the middle of scrambling when Breaking News came on at 6:00 pm.

Both girls started crying, so I only heard key points.

• Single engine plane crash...
• Provo airport...
• After 4:00 pm...
• Pilot killed....
• No one else on board...
• Believed to be a local pilot...
• People are sad...

• Family needs to be notified.

Quietly I said to myself, "Ben that is not you. You are not leaving me. You're coming home to tell me what that loser did wrong." I wondered if Ben saw the crash. Wouldn't he call me?? All the facts started to sink in. But it had to be wrong.

I gave the girls dinner.
And then I panicked.
I ran upstairs and checked KSL.
What if I was Family? What if this pilot didn't have a name yet because they had to tell me first?

I came downstairs and started pacing. My phone was on the TV stand. I called Ben. No answer.


And then there was the gentle tap on the door.
I opened it, and saw a young cop with a woman to his left.

All I could say was, "My husband is dead."
[His eyes widened as he took a step back.]
"So that thing I just saw is wrong. I'm not the family. He's okay?!"

The cop asked to come in. He never said the words. He just nodded, and apologized. The woman who was with him, explained that she was a grief counselor. She offered to make phone calls for me, but I told her not to.

I called my parents first. (I hung up before they could ask questions.)
Then Ben's dad.
Then his youngest sister.

I was glad she was too shocked to react. Maybe that meant this was all just a sick joke. Everyone would be mad at me when Ben came home. She offered to make the rest of the phone calls for me, and I agreed. I didn't want to hear anyone cry.

Another sister called. She was so hysterical that I couldn't fully understand her. I decided that if she was upset then it had to be real.

I remember so clearly watching several people with tear-filled faces, dressed in pilot uniforms approach the door and come inside. They somberly introduced themselves; some hugged me. They had known 2 hours longer than I did. I wondered why they could cry and I couldn't.

A lot of people came over that night. When most left I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn't start. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Did it mean I didn't care?

I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of Ben leaving mortality. I spent most of that first night in the bathroom. And when I wasn't, I replayed the day's events over and over and over.

I wish I didn't do any laundry.
I wish I cuddled with him instead.
I wish I told him how much I love him and always will.

I wish I stopped him from leaving.
I wish I came up with a reason for him to stay home.
I wish I let the air out of his tires.

I still wish he never walked out that door. He took so much of me with him.

The Last Photo

Playing with Jocee before bedtime.

Packing!!

Right now I'm packing to leave for Utah!!

Here's the deal.... Anxiety for this one year mark started building back in August. I had no idea what I was going to do on that day, and being here in MA just didn't feel right. But how could I justify another trip?? I felt stuck (and anxious, and sad).

One night at the end of September, all these weird feelings made sense. Being in Utah would make the day easier. I needed to at least try to plan a trip there.

My parents were more than understanding, and offered to watch both girls so I could go alone. They even told me to go for as long as I could. The next morning, I went online to look at tickets... I found the cheapest tickets to SLC that I have ever seen! (Thank you, Southwest! :))
Coincidence? Heck, no!

So my plans for this 5-day trip will be...

• Traveling kid-free!--I won't even know what to do with myself!
• Seeing good friends. :)
• Time with the little sister. :)
  
• Staying with T. Thorpe.--That means laughing, movies, & soy ice cream will be involved.
• Seeing the crash site for the first time ever.--I feel ready now. Everyone who has, tell me how close he was to the runway and a safe landing. It affirmed his skill level and exactness as a pilot, and I'll get to see it for myself. I'm sure there will be an element of closure.
  
• Seeing the grave marker in person.

All things I really need, and I am deeply grateful I'll get to do them.


Thank you, Bennys! I couldn't have planned it better myself.

Sunday Morning, 18 Oct 2009

The last photo I took...

Ben's Last Post

One year ago, today....
14 October 2009

Some USAF recruiters came to UVU that day. Ben didn't even tell me about this himself. He figured it would be lame, so I found out from a friend (the wife of one of his friends/coworkers).

That morning as he left, I told him to have fun.

When he got home that night he was extra happy. He couldn't stop talking about how much fun it really was. The recruiter had been impressed by how many flight hours Ben had. When he saw how well Ben handled the plane, he let him do extra things.

I loved it. To see him so happy, made me happy too.
It was a good day...


We had no idea there were only 7 days of normal left.

Daddy's Girls, 12 Oct 2009

When he came home from work that day, he played with the girls while I made dinner.

After dinner we watched Monday Night Football on the couch together. (Actually he did while I fell asleep.)

I never thought I'd feel nostalgic for Monday Night Football...

Happy List

Real talk: I knew this month would be difficult, but I couldn't have anticipated how much. Flashbacks of what we were doing this time last year leave me feeling empty and deflated. I so desperately want to go back to that time, and stay there forever.

I've had way more of those snot-nosed, puffy-eyed, head-pounding cries than I'd like to admit. I really hate them. I only feel worse after. As part of my effort to avoid them, I've been taking note of happy things to distract me. Sometimes it works.
Here was today's Happy List....


1. I love, love, love when this happens! Jocee barely ever naps anymore. But when they take a nap together, it's marvelous (and adorably sweet)!

2. I totally forgot October is breast cancer awareness month! That means...pink everything!! I know one little girl who is going to love that, and another who will go along with it because she loves her big sister. :)


3. I have started couponing again!! Before the crash I was really good at it. I could cut a $150 grocery bill down to $50. Ben even bragged about my skills. :) After the crash I stopped caring. One of my goals for the year mark was to get back into it. Well, yesterday, I saved $10 using just coupons!--A decent first attempt.

Life is sweet.
:)

Lately

It has been easy to forget all the reasons why I love this time of year.

While the 3 of us played outside today, I remembered some of those reasons.

I adore these sweet faces.

I really am lucky.
:)

Evidence

Remember that post I did back in July about my quirky quirks??

Here's some proof that I did not make them up. :)


1. I've been listening to a lot of Lifehouse in honor of a concert on the 16th. This one is back in rotation, and I'm totally not sick of it...10 years later.

2. I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night...thanks to all of my many pillows!


3. Thanks to my water habit, I'm on my third phone this year. The last one bit the dust early one morning when Sophie came in my room. She took it and in a matter of milliseconds, dropped it in the glass of water by my bed. I have since resolved to not keep a glass of water there.


4. Recently I got this trench. I actually wanted something more classic, but fell in love. :)


5. Jocee tried covering my mouth and begged me to stop singing this song. I can't blame her. Audrey Hepburn's voice-over did a better job anyway. No question.

6. I haven't laughed and cried simultaneously in a little while. That's a good thing.


7. Yesterday I saw the 1995 version of this movie for the first time, and I was completely repulsed. My dad watched it with me out of curiosity, and completely agreed. Old movies really are better.

8. Right now I have two bruises on my legs, and no idea how I got them. Classy.

9. Last week a good friend and I were reading a flier. She laughed and asked if I was annoyed that the word sensitive was misspelled (sensative). I was.

10. Do I really need to give an example of me thinking too much?? ;)

(And there's my attempt to lighten the mood. Next month will be happier.)

"I just can't believe it."

It's a phrase that I've repeated to myself, countless times throughout these last...11 months, 1 week, and 4 days.

• In the beginning I couldn't believe Fox13, 6:00pm breaking news. Quietly I said to myself, "Ben, that is not you. You are not leaving me. You're coming home to tell me what that loser did wrong."

(Little did I know, this would be the first of many seemingly one-sided conversations.)

• Nine days later I pretended a box was empty.

• Two weeks in, I couldn't believe I was packing his things, and leaving a place we called home.

• One month in, I couldn't believe I was still alive. I was so sure I'd die too... of a broken heart.

• Two months in, I couldn't believe what a bad relocation choice I had made.

• Six months in, I couldn't believe that people who I thought would be an unwavering fixture in my girls lives, are not.

• Seven months in, (and the day after our 6th wedding anniversary) I couldn't believe that trusting the wrong people could lead to so much irreversible damage.

• 10 months in, I couldn't believe he wasn't turning 31.

And right this moment, I just can't believe that October is here again.
I can't believe I will soon have survived a year without him here; especially THAT year.

BUT....

• I can believe my grief counselor, when she tells me how well I'm doing.
• I can believe how amazing it feels to resist that natural pull to be bitter. In so many ways, beauty compensates for the ugly.
• I can believe that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for; and potentially stronger than I have yet to realize. (And my intuition is pretty freakin' amazing. :))
• I can believe that Ben still plays an active roll in my life, and helps me in more ways than I can comprehend.
• I can believe that I am a good mother to the two sweetest little girls on the planet.

I can believe that I can do this.

(NOTE: The next post will be more light-hearted. Pinky promise!)