Just putting it out there...

I'm adding something to my bucket list.  What I'm about to add may make me sound delusional.

One of my goals in life will be to become such an expert on...something (technology, entertainment, or design... ;)).  Such an expert that I'll be TED talk worthy.  And maybe even eventually give a 14-18 minute talk that means something.  And maybe even give that talk at a TED conference.

Yup.  That's going on the bucket list.  I know it's far-fetched.  The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know for sure.  But there's life to be lived, and I'm putting it out there :)

And since I love TED so much...

xo

Mommy Win :)

Jocee is now 6, and in the first grade.  Her teacher says that she is kind to everyone in class, has a lot of friends, and loves math and writing.  At home, she is the best big sister, and likes to help me whenever she can.  I'm proud of her everyday.  But two weeks ago, I got to be a little extra proud...

A little boy in her class had made fun of her polka dot pants.  He told her they looked silly, and for weeks after she refused to wear them to school.  We had a lot of conversations about it, and I tried to encourage her to wear what makes her happy.  But none of it seemed to reach her.  He had said she looked silly; that's all that mattered.

Then one morning before school, she had her polka dots on.  I asked her is she was sure that she wanted to wear the outfit school...and she was!  We just smiled at each other.

But then when my mom asked her why she was wearing her polka dots, she confidently replied, "Because Mommy said that if I like something I should wear it anyway.   Not everyone will like my outfits, and that's okay.  They have their own clothes."

  

She was so self-assured, so innocent, and sincere.  I felt tears of gratitude well up.

On the way to school I told her how happy I was for her, and we talked about how some people can say mean things.  And how we can still be nice.  

She was so happy to finally wear her favorite pants to school again.  And I was so happy to see her strut into school with all the confidence I wished I had at 6.

That's my girl.

And I know her Daddy couldn't be more proud. 

PS... She came home smiling big, and told me that she "had the best day." :)

Stuff & Things

Classes started this week, and I'm learning a lot of new things.

1.  I actually like Physics!  I need to take a bunch of science classes that I purposely avoided earlier in life, and they're actually...fun.  Who knew??!  Three hour lectures are a drag, but the content really isn't.  And I'm extra shocked at how much Physics interests me.

2.  School makes me paranoid in regards to the flow of my Qi.  I am not joking.  I have a moderate breakout happening, and all I can think about is how heat is manifesting externally.  And according to my tongue I have spleen yang deficiency, accumulated dampness in my channels, and internal cold.

Normally, I'd just drink more water, invest in some better skin care products, and hope for the best.  Not anymore!!  There is clearly something seriously wrong.  I need hot soup, an acupuncture treatment and some herbs, STAT.

3.  There are no gongs in Medical QiGong.  I was the only person who didn't know this.  Apparently "gong" means "work," and next week I'll be wearing comfy clothes...

4.  The girls are doing awesome!  I was so concerned about how they would handle the new schedule, and struggled with a lot of mommy guilt.  But I couldn't be more proud of them.  They've been so helpful and sweet.  Sophie has been a rock star with cleaning up after herself, and they haven't had any arguments with each other in a while.  I love to see them love each other.

5.  And in regards to mommy guilt...  I shouldn't feel it.

This whole working mom vs. stay-at-home mom debate is getting on my nerves.  It's always bothered me, but it's wearing thin now.  I may (or may not) rant one day.

But really, can't we all just get along??  I'd rather assume that we're all just doing the best with the situations we have been given. xoxo

Life is good.

I can't believe it!!

A little over three years ago I wrote a very sincere post about the shock I was in; all the things I just couldn't believe.

And here I am in shock again.  But this time life is so good!! :)

I, Ginny Hill, have recently completed my first semester of grad school.  GRAD SCHOOL.  As in graduate. school.  As in, I'm working on obtaining a Master's degree.  Me!

I feel kind of like Elle Woods when she found out that she was chosen for Professor Callahan's internship.

There was a time in my life when I thought I'd never have a Bachelor's degree.  I was too fickle and noncommittal.  And four years just seemed way too long.  How could I possibly choose a major and stick to it??  That silly phase lasted for about 26 years.

And then two years ago I made plans.  But I kept them to myself (just incase fickle me showed up again).  

Long story, short:  I woke up one day and decided I wanted to be an acupuncturist.  I did a little bit (or a lot) of research, and found out that I needed to finish that Bachelor's degree...

I enrolled in school and didn't look back.  Kind of.

The only problem with this plan was that there is exactly one acupunture school in my area.  After calling their admissions office I was less than optimistic.  This is Boston.  Their requirements are ivy-league-high, and the school works with Tufts Medical School.  And since that's on par with and in the vacinity of Harvard... Ha!!

I'd obviously have to find another school....in another state....relocate....with two little girls....by myself. [Panic attack.]

So fast forward to August 2013.  After a lot of encouragement, and a little tough love from LLB, I got my transcripts and made an appointment with Admissions.

Maybe 10 minutes into the interview, he told me that if I could get all my paperwork in, he could get me started in two weeks.

I spent that entire hour-long drive home laughing and crying and bursting with gratitude.

The day after I officially finished my BS, I began the real deal.  And sometimes I just can't believe that this is my life, and it is so good! :)

• I can't believe that I made a plan!!
• I can't believe that nothing derailed me from that plan!
• I can't believe that I got into the ONLY acupuncture school in New England!!
• I can't believe that I-95 doesn't intimidate me!
• I can't believe I love school everyday, and that my GPA reflects it!
• I can't believe it took me 30 years to feel this way!!
• I can't believe I'm this happy!!

But for the first time in a very, very (very) long time I CAN believe....

I will be an acupuncturist.  I will be sucessful.  I will continue to love life.

Plans are worth making, and goals are worth setting.

And life is so so (SO) good.
"Every little thing is gonna be alright."

:)!!

Don't judge me, but...

• I find that monologue that Paul Rudd gives Reese Witherspoon about Play-Doh at the end of How Do You Know kind of inspirational.

• my celebrity crush is Paul Rudd.   He can do no wrong.

• Adam Sandler too...  But only in Big Daddy and Just Go With It.

• I completely relate to This is 40. 

• that club scene really resonates...(along with the rest of it).  Perfection.

• sometimes I forget simple words and spend way too much time trying to describe them.  For example, on my parents' 31st wedding anniversary I said, "You know that thing?? That word... Where you get married and then you celebrate it every year--Congrats on that!" Real life.

• I kind of hate that I use big words in everyday conversations.  I have to consciously try to use more normal/simple words.  WTF is that?!

• I often get an urge to comment on chronically whiny statuses.  Sometimes I'll type a snarky response and quickly delete it.  Someday that may backfire...

• I tried online dating once.  Never again. 

• salad is my most favorite food ever.  Almost any kind.  If a guy can handle this, he may get a second date.

• I've only recently developed my douche radar.  Live and learn!

• I kind of hope some of these guys have insecure girlfriends who go through their FB messages and texts.  That would be so epic... 

• Forever Young by Rod Stewart makes me cry.  I think of my kids.

• ^^That has happened in public.^^  Two weeks ago at Jocee's kindergarten presentation, her teacher used it for a slideshow.  I knew I was in for it as soon as the song started.

• I tear up on a daily basis---almost always because I'm happy or sentimental about something.

Actually, go ahead and judge me.  But don't get your panties in a bunch! ;) 

xo

New blawg??

I'm considering it.

Posting to this one feels so foreign now.  It's kind of like trying to resuscitate something.  I'd need to change things around a bit.

And if I start a new one, it won't be like a normal mommy blog.  I won't be braggy about my super fun life (it really is so fun now).  I'm sure posting pictures would be a rarity.  And they won't be edited.  Who has the time??  We are what we are.   

Things that might stop me...

1. Mommy-ness

2. School

3. School

4. Real life

5. Pinterest

6.  Every other form of social media that I may or may not have bashed at some point.

Maybe I will.

But if I do I'll post a link here, before I leave this one to fend for itself. (Jk...I'll get it bound in book for the chickies.  Then I'll leave it.)

On turning 30...

I love it.  

 When asked, I've been telling people, "I'm 30. Well, almost 30," for at least 10 months now.  It just couldn't come soon enough.  And I hope I'll be even more excited for 40.

But I did have a moment of introspection last week.

(and here's a post about it...)

 .....

In April of 2009, I got one of my most bestest ideas!  Ben was turning 30, and it couldn't just be like any other birthday.  30 felt like a big deal then too.  So I was watching TV by myself one night while he was away flying planes when the idea hit.  I was going to make a list of 30 qualities I loved about him!  But it wasn't going to be cheesy or random.  It was going to be sincere so that he knew how important he was.  I needed him to know how important and loved he was.

I think I wrote 25 things that night.  Over the next four months I fine tuned it...over and over and over.  I was so excited to give it to him.  As his birthday got closer, I wrote it in a letter (and rewrote it), and thought about maybe posting it to the blog.  It was SO hard to keep it a secret.

When I finally gave it to him (the night before--couldn't wait!), he said he loved it.  He told me it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him.  He stayed up until midnight so that he could see the scheduled blog post.

.......

So here I am!!  I'm 30!!  Yayyyyy!!!!! :)

But there's no one to write a list of 30 things they love about me.  Wahhh.  Not really.  (I'm pretty sure Ben wouldn't write a list for me if he was here.  All good.)

More than that, do I even have 30 qualities to love??

Do I make a difference??

Do I give as much as I get??

 Do people know how important they are to me??

Do I help??

Do I leave people feeling better??

Do I uplift and encourage??

Do I show my love for others as much as I have it??

Am I worthy of being missed, like Ben-level missed??

I would like to think that all of the answers are a confident, "YES!!"

But I will assume I can do better.  I will use the time I have left here (hoping that it's considerable) to love more.

And if people make lists then, I hope I leave with at least 30 things on mine.

So my kid.

J: "Mommy, there is a commercial you should come watch. It's for a hair brush!!"

G: "Oh, you like that hair brush?"

J: "I think we need it. Look, it's a special brush."

...5 minutes later...

J: "Mommy you missed it. It was a good deal, because if you buy one you get the second one free--ANY STYLE."
G: "Oh my gosh."
J: "It's from Michel Mercier. Mer-see-ayyy. But I don't remember the phone number. Mommy, Michelle is my middle naaame!"
G: "I know!"
J: "Well, it's okay. We can watch TV tomorrow and get the phone number."

Meet my new BF, TED!!

Just kidding.

I don't even remember what exactly TED stands for.

I really love it though.  I love anything or anyone who reminds me that we're all connected; anything that makes me pause and think a little deeper or just step outside of myself.  I've found a bunch on Pinterest, or through a used-to-be SIL.  (Not sure what we are now, but I love her too.)

So in an effort to pay it forward...

Brene Brown changed my life (at a time when I was feeling emotionally exploited and wondering how I could stop being vulnerable)...  Just in time :)

(twice)

Elizabeth Gilbert and I should be real life friends...

Sarah Kay... Just, thank you! So much.

There are more.  But those are my current top three.

If you have the hour to spare, it'll be time well spent.

xo

Backup

So I don't really blog anymore, and I don't know if I will like I used to (circa 2010) ever again.

But I will say life is mostly good.  I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.  I could blog about those things, but right now I'm busy trying to create someone I thought I'd never be.---That's pretty awesome, too.  And I couldn't be more thrilled to turn 30 this month.  (Yay, birthday month!!)

Last month my anniversary made me nostalgic.  So on the eve of May 21st I found myself up late going through old photos and blog posts.  I came across a super embarrassing blog post; so bad that I might take it down.  Why did I write that?!

And then later in the week, I stumbled across this...

I'm not even sure how or why I found it.  But my views on her changed just a little.  She said everything I feel on that topic.  That clip could be me (minus 6 kids and whole lot of drama). Oh, that and instead of sitting at home, sometimes I find myself in clubs having "This is 40" moments. ;)

But, on a night like tonight...where's the backup??

For the record:
I won.

Four year olds don't get sweeter than this!

Umm...  This is an old, old draft.  I think I meant to upload pictures to it and forgot.  It made me laugh :)

She never forgets...
Jocee: Mommy, I'm glad you don't wear socks anymore.
Me: It's too hot for socks right now.
Jocee: No, you can't wear them. They're not good for you.
Me: [I just turned and looked at her, confused.]
Jocee: Remember, Mommy?? You fell.
Me: I didn't fall...
Jocee: Your socks were making you slip everywhere. So when you got me my milk you slipped across the floor and fell like, that [smacking the table for emphasis]. Over there...[pointing to the family room].
Me: Oh, that. You still remember that??
Jocee: [Nodding her head] You falled and slided. You screamed a little bit, too. Like, 'Eeee!'

Note: That was months ago; maybe March. She must think of me in the most flattering light. ;)


She's such a back seat driver!
Jocee: "Mommy! Red light! STOP!!"
Me: "Joce, I will when I get to there. It's far away."
Jocee: "Ooh! Hehe! Sorry!"
[Pause]
Jocee: "It just turned green! Don't stop!"
Me: "How's that Princess book you're not reading??"

She is always so forgiving.
Like the other day when I was getting ready to leave... Both girls where following me from one room to another. They wanted to "help" clean, put makeup on with me, and just be underfoot.

My patience was lacking, and I had been raising my voice too much. I started to feel bad.

Me: "Jocee, I'm sorry for being cranky. I haven't been very nice today. I will be nicer."
Jocee: "No, Mommy. You're nice of all."
Me: "Not today.."
Jocee: "There is nicer, nicest, and nice of all. You, are the nice of ALLLL."


She is fashion conscious.
Jocee: "Is this string supposed to be my sleeve?"
Me: "Yes...it's a strap. That's a tank top."
Jocee: "But it's so teeny..."
Me: "Do you not like it?"
Jocee: "Could you not buy me a sleeve?"

She sees the best in people.
Like when she introduces me to her little friends at the park...
"This is my Mommy. Her name is Ginny. Isn't she soo pretty?"


I love my Jocee M.

Randomonium

I should be embarrassed.  But I'm not.  Actually, I never get embarrassed.  Ever.  Here are some things you might be embarrassed about if you were me. 

• My dusty blog.  What's a blog?  Meh.
• Seriously, I don't even recognize Blogger right now.
• The Hello Kitty stickers my babes cluttered my car windows with.
• How messy that car is right now.  
• The fact that the barista taking my order at DD finished my sentence for me.
• That new Ke$ha song...I like it way more that any 29 year old mother of two should.
• You're not a real Hill girl unless you've managed to fall down a flight of stairs (without injury), and Buggy makes me proud. 
• All the cool kids have iPhones.  I use their autocorrect fails in everyday life.  "Read donkey lists" for example.
• Mean Girls... It needs it's own board on Pinterest.
• Pinterest.
• I know what "No shame, good integrity" means.  I'm pretty sure T. Thorpe does, too.
• Sometimes.... #Ijustwantothashtageverything.  Sometimes I resist that urge.
• I still use a thesaurus when composing papers.
• Annnd I've been writing 1-2 papers a week for the last...17ish months.
• I'm 99.999% sure I have ADD.  If I get into grad school I'll get tested.  If I fail that test, I will be scraping by in a heavily caffeinated state.
• My GPA is still top notch, so I know caffeine works wondrously.
• The fact that I typed wondrously, and didn't delete it.

Hey! It's okay!

I should be doing homework right now.  Obviously.

15 November 2008

Sophie was 10 days old.

It was probably 9:30 pm. I fed her, burped her, and put her in her crib.
Then I went and took a shower.

Twenty minutes later, Ben was holding her. She was screaming and unable to catch her breath. Something was wrong. My mom was visiting and told me that she had spit up, and was having problems breathing. It was her idea to call 911.

The operator that I spoke to was concerned and sent an ambulance. What took them maybe five minutes to get to us, felt like forever. The paramedics examined her.  She was wheezing so they wanted to take her to the hospital to make sure she was okay. I went with them. Adrenaline kicked in. Game face.

For maybe two hours I was totally calm and collected.  I answered all of the social worker's questions with ease.  I kept it together while the ditsy radiology tech tried to take x-rays.  I didn't flinch while I pinned her down so that the respiratory specialist could stick tubes down her nose.

I was just happy that she was okay.  Everything came back good.  I was relieved.

Then Ben walked in the room.  All of a sudden this huge rush of real relief came over me.   As soon as I saw him tears had rushed down my face.  I felt stupid for crying, after knowing everything was fine.  He hugged me anyway.  I felt normal again.



So here I am...almost 3 years after everything changed.  I can list dozens of blog-worthy reasons why I'm so okay now, why my new normal is good, how effing kick-A I am.

Then the last two weeks happen (or maybe it's just been a crazy month or two).  Things get a little heavy.  But I'm okay.  I've totally got this. 

But there's still this small part of me that knows if Ben walked through the door, I'd burst into tears.  That game face I haven't realized I'm wearing could come off for a minute.  He'd look so calm.  I'd for sure feel stupid for crying.  He'd hug me anyway, and I might feel normal again.


For now, this will have to do.

8 Years Ago

"Send me letters from above.

Send me strength, send me love, such a sweet love.

Sing me songs that echo in my head and in my heart,

that's where you are."

Vertical Horizon 

Sometimes

Ya know...

I still look at photos and love the way his cute ears stuck out when he smiled.

I still laugh at how silly we could be.

When I paint my toes, I still think of those perfect feet with the Teva tan lines.

I still get teary when I think of little things he did to take care of me.
And I just have to throw a "Thank you!!" out into the universe.


I'm grateful that I can still remember subtle things, and I'm grateful someone loved (loves) me that way.

So, March happened...

March was busy!

I took the girls on a three week trip with me.--Not the most well thought out plan ever. Traveling with kids is my absolute least favorite thing to do. Just ask T. Thorpe! But overall, it was good!

I got spotlighted on Mommy Models Blog! I felt so honored! It's such a cute blog, and I love what they do. I was pretty nervous at first, but Emily put me right at ease. Love her.

Oh, I got in my first car accident! I totally got rear-ended...at a stop light...on Main St...in Springville. And I actually felt bad for the frazzled mom that hit me (in her white minivan, of course).

I reluctantly went to that widow/widower conference again. Surprisingly, I was glad I did. It was a lot funner this year. The two year mark really is a good place to be. :)

Oh, and despite the craziness, I got a 99.4 in my Health Care Management class. Yay for that! My GPA looks more like this now...

And I graduate on Ben's birthday, 2013.
Maybe I'll pretend I have a blog again then.

Maybe.

:)

I'm just so retweetable!!

I'm not a big tweeter. People will follow me, and then drop me days later from boredom. No biggie. Tweeting for followers would be exhausting. And I'm not much of a people pleaser.

So...last night I was catching up on DVR'ed Dr. Oz episodes.
I was so excited for today's show with Dr. Mercola. He's so legit, and his advice has really helped me. He's one of my favorite people to follow. I just had to tweet him.

So here it is...
My .0015 minutes of fame :)

So nice of him. :)

:)

Ben used to sing it to me when we were engaged. It was hard to tell if he was joking or not. His singing voice was as bad as mine, and I always thought the song was painfully cheesy.

But he was serious. And adorable.



Like an answer to a prayer, now I get to hear it right when I need it. I hear that tone-deaf voice in my head, too. And I can't help but smile.

I love Ben.
:)

Win

Pharmacist: "What was the weight?"
Ginny: "15 minutes."
Pharmacists: "Haha! I meant the weight of the child. Haha..."
Ginny: "Oh! 40 pounds! Ha..."


He called me, "Miss Hill." :)

What's my deal?

I hate crying. I hate puffy eyes and stuffy noses. And when there's real grief, I hate that no cry ever makes me feel better.

I do love to be busy. School has been perfect for me.
I adore people who make me laugh. Like these two little amazing people who think so highly of me.
I love not thinking too far ahead. I avoid thinking of my girls' future at all costs.


But when someone asks me questions, with genuine concern, and really wants to know the answers, I lose composure.


Q. How am I with missing Ben?
A. One hot mess who forgot to wear waterproof mascara.

Q. What is my biggest regret?
A. Being such an idealist. Life isn't meant to be perfect. I am not expected to be perfect.

Q. What is my biggest worry?
A. (After clearing the snot and waterworks...) I try to stay in the present moment. I can't control the future. My biggest worry is not for me.

Ginny Moments

Have you ever tried to blame your blondish hair on a legit personality quirk?

Have you ever smeared turmeric all over your face and then posted photos to your blog, just to later find out how much people Google "turmeric facials"??

Have you ever had a BFF just not get your kind of humor??


Have you ever questioned why your favorite Masshole keeps calling you a "Utahhhd" when it's clearly, UtaRd??



Have you ever been accused of being a little too much like a certain drag queen??


Have you ever thought you were in the wrong month? Like got MLK day mixed up with President's day? And then didn't send your kid to school for a few extra days?



Oh, you haven't??
Good. Neither have I.

This will never get old.

Thanks, Lesley!!

:)

Better-er

So, I was driving around doing mundane errands by myself...deep in thought (my usual MO), when I realized that I really am getting better...in legit, measurable ways.

And I so love it.

I'm laughing more like I used to.---More often, and at appropriate times. ;)

I donated my I-haven't-eaten-in-5 1/2-months jeans. That emaciated look wasn't good on me, and I don't anticipate it making a comeback.

I changed my play list! The original was getting bastardized with non-Ben-approved songs. (Like he would listen to Jessie J!) Those melancholy songs don't resemble me anymore! Yay!

At my 10 year high school reunion a lot of people didn't know about my widow status, and I didn't feel the need to tell them.

I don't feel the need to tell anyone, really. It's a life altering event, but it's not who I am.

And if it does come up in conversation, I will do my best to make the other person feel comfortable. No need for awkward moments.

I'm still soo glad I didn't brand my blog! (sadlittleblondewidow dot blogspot dot com... Hah!!)

I've considered leaving the widow forum I joined two years ago. I've never been a big contributor anyway. And that conference was mostly a drag. Introductions felt like prison. Instead of the, "Whatcha in for?" it was a somber, "So what happened? How long has it been?" Yikes.

I'm breathing easier. Literally.


There was a part of me that thought that letting go of some of the pain would be bittersweet. Necessary, but still kind of awful. Everyone told me, "Time heals" (blah, blah, blah, blah). But I was so afraid that would prove to mean that time would rob me of my love for him. Time would take away the sound of his voice or the way his hands felt when they held mine. Because it can't hurt if you forget it was there.

Instead it's more of a gift. I've sat with this grief, and acknowledged it in every way I know how. The weight of it can start to shift now. It will always be a part of me, but it doesn't need to be the biggest part. It shouldn't be. Allowing myself to be defined and kept back isn't good for anyone. Things that break are meant to either be thrown away or fixed.

I'm in the "To Be Fixed" pile.

I was made to be happy. There will be far more happy moments than sad.


I love Ben.
:)

No.

Does this look like "random pictures of people at walmart"??

.....

I know! Right?

People, Google something more worthwhile.
Walmart lowers your IQ 10 points.

Thank you, 2011!

Isn't this photo so cheesy?! Ha! So is my title!

2011 started off feeling a lot like 2010, but I'm really glad it didn't end up that way. I remember talking to a friend in May. She was talking about how much she loved being in her 50s, and it made me wish I could just fast-forward 20 years. But since that's not an option, I've decided to embrace each year as an opportunity to grow into who I should be. From that vantage point 2011 was everything it needed to be.

• The widow brain fog started lifting.

• And because I could feel myself thinking more clearly, I made plans.
  

• And because I had legit plans, I started school!

(I know I mentioned it already, but it's the best GPA I've had...ever! It's the first time I've cared about school too...)

• Getting proactive felt right (and good).

(Not that I didn't figure that one out 2+ years ago.)

• I learned to be kinder to myself; meaning more patient. Things don't have to happen as quickly as I want them to.

• I learned more of what it means to sacrifice for your child when they need you. It's limitless.
  

• I got a little reckless... And learned how much I love it!!

(And jumpsuits make everything that much more fabulous.)

• I cut energy drainers out, and replaced them with funner people.

(Side note: If you're playing the role of victim in your life, in need of a therapist, or can't stop being such a drag...we're not meant to be! But I wish you all the best! :))

• This statement couldn't be truer!
  

Hahahaha!! It's a T. Thorpe original.

• I adopted a mantra.

It will be.


Love.
xoxo