2004

It's a year I would so eagerly repeat.

The Story of a Concert

Last week this cute girl and I went to a concert. It was supposed to be Owl City and Maroon 5. It was the first time I went to a concert more excited to see the openers.

And we had really good seats.

Have I mentioned how much I love them??
Well, I do.
Post October 21 I've spent many sleepless nights with my new bff, Adam Young. Something about their music has been so soothing to me. It even took me wayyyy longer than normal to get sick of Fireflies.

So they were interesting. Not quite what I had expected, but still good. I discovered a new favorite song...

THEN...out of nowhere....this crazy lady came on the stage! She wasn't even announced.
We couldn't tell what she was going for.
Rap?
Folk?
Circus act?
Dying cat?

We spent that half hour a little perplexed, and really scared.
It looks like that girl behind us probably felt the same way.

After that hot mess, we decided food would be better. We left and found this cute little restaurant where we ate too much.

But on the walk back to the car, we heard Maroon 5 playing a Benny favorite. He used to sing, "She Will Be Loved" to me. Because he drove for miles and miles... Yeah. Cheesy, but that's how he rolled.

So even though the night didn't go as planned, it was still super fun.
Everyone needs a Lizzie B!

The Heating Pad

So, I have tendinitis in both knees...
My right knee is way worse than my left...
It doesn't bother me often...
But when it flares up, the pain can get pretty intense (occasionally unbearable).

But that's not my point....

Whenever my knees started hurting, Ben would play knight in shining armor and come to my rescue. As soon as I'd tell him, he would make me comfortable on the couch (as if I were helpless). Then he would get the ibuprofen, my favorite juice, and the heating pad.

He would plug that heating pad in, adjust the setting, and wrap it securely and comfortably around the offending knee.

And then he would rent a movie that we would watch together on the couch (mostly his choice). I can't remember what movie we watched last time. But I do remember that my knee felt much better by the end of it.
I remember how grateful I was, too.

Just this week that tendinitis has decided to flare up...again.
But this time I plugged that heating pad in....all by myself...
I went and got my own ibuprofen, and water...

I went back to the couch, and tried several times to wrap the pad just the way Ben used to. Those tears that I'm sick of, started when I realized that I couldn't.

I cried even harder when I realized I forgot a pillow, that there was no guy movie waiting to be watched, and I was sitting on a different couch, in a different house 3,000 miles away from the other.

I only continued to sob when I realized how long it has been. After nearly 10 months I still can't fathom just how final this is.
And I still don't want to.

Birds of a feather

...flock together!

What do your feathers look like?

(This post was inspired by T. Thorpe; the original peacock.)
:)

Homeless

Disclaimer: The trip to Utah was much needed and more fun than not. But since a few people expressed jealousy on the good old FB, I decided to show some of my ugly. Really, I'm the last person to be deserving of such a wasted emotion.

Jocee and I had been looking forward to this trip for 10 weeks.
I had been looking forward to this very weekend for six months.

At 9 1/2 months in, I'm almost used to unexpected emotions surfacing at the most inopportune/awkward/unexpected times. So none of this should have been a shock, but it was.

The final flight touched down in Salt Lake City at 4:30 pm. Tears welled in my eyes as soon as I could see the mountains. I didn't realize just how much I had missed them. They remind me of Ben; I don't know anyone else who hiked (or backpacked, or camped, or fished) them more.

The last time I had landed here was in August; almost a year ago. I had both girls in tow. Ben was the one picking us up...to take us home. And now Ben wouldn't be waiting at baggage claim to hug me more tightly than he had in weeks. This thought nearing leveled me.

I got our things from baggage claim by myself. All 5'2" of me must have made lugging 1 suitcase, 1 car seat, 2 carry-ons, and 1 three-year-old in an umbrella stroller look easy. Not a single...gentleman...offered to help. Knowing that Ben would have never let this happen, I angrily concluded that... All the good men aren't taken. They're dead.

Oh but seriously, I should have had someone take a picture. I have a whole system worked out should this same scenario play out in the future. I really did look like like I knew what I was doing.

The drive to Springville was sobering. Each exit off the freeway brought a memory. And yet this place no longer felt like home. Things that were once so familiar felt so foreign; like a distant dream I just woke up from. I asked myself when this had happened, and I didn't like the answer.

It happened that day the news caught my attention; that day a cop softly knocked on my door to try to tell me something I didn't want to be true. In that moment, the townhome we were renting was no longer home. And I haven't had that feeling since.

In so many ways that man was my anchor.
In the last...almost 10 months I've been essentially homeless.
When I made the horrid decision to stay there, I was desperately clinging to whatever I thought I still had. But instead I learned some lessons the hard way, and ended up three thousand miles away regardless.

And even now, living with my parents in the place I spent most of my life, that feeling of home is still missing. It's gone, and I may not ever have it back.

Ben was my home.
Ben was my anchor.
Ben was my safe place to land.

I love him, and I miss him; more than I could ever convey.

Stream of Consciousness: July

Springville, Utah, 9 July 2010
unedited

There has been so much on my mind as of late. I'm definitely due for another Stream of Consciousness post.

I've found myself looking up at the sky a lot. Whether it be a hawk circling near by, or every plane that flies overhead, I think about Ben each time. I miss him terribly, but that's nothing new. It's just always there (and it always will be). I miss Utah skies too. How many evenings did I look out my window, and take that sight for granted??

Jocee and I went to Utah for a much needed girls' weekend with one of my favorite people (and her cute kids). It was such a fun trip, and I definitely need to plan another one at some point. Jocee keeps telling me that Sophie will come next time, and I agree. We both missed Buggy!

The experience was surprisingly bittersweet. If it is still on my mind in the near future, I'll write a separate post... I can't thank T. Thorpe enough for the moral support while I made difficult decisions, and Lizzie B. for helping me finalize them. I hope those girls know how much I love and appreciate them.

Oh, and I'm still looking forward to that concert! Just a little more than a week now! I have my outfit all picked out. Actually, I've had it planned for almost a month. Such a nerd, I know! But isn't half the fun of an anticipated event, an equally fun outfit?

It has been really important for me to surround myself with similarly optimistic people. T. Thorpe keeps reminding me that, "Birds of a feather flock together." And now I think about that phrase, too. I'm so lucky to have the people in my life that I do.

I've felt quiet lately, and it's been a good thing. I'm learning that stillness and solitude are invaluable. I need to always keep my heart, and mind open. I'm certain this mindset has helped me have more intuitive experiences. But those are too personal to ever publish...or even share with more than a select few.

Oh, and my sister told me that I've been slacking on the blog... But as my cute friend Siovhan has so eloquently stated on hers, "Real life trumps blog!"

Totally agree. :)

With Love

A cute friend recently told me to focus on the little love notes Ben used to write to me. His letters were always light-hearted and adorably sweet.

I miss the way he used to always call me...

...and sign his formal signature with "Bennys" below.

Sometimes there were occasional diagrams to express the extent of his love...


And in case I should ever doubt, there were always extra reminders...


These simple sentiments are what I choose to center my memories on. The love he expressed then, is still abundantly evident in my daily life now.

I love you, Bennys!

Last night...

If every night was like last night....

I'd want to sleep forever.

:)

Mean Reds

I've been feeling a need for quiet lately. I won't be gallivanting around Tiffany&Co. But I will be playing with my babies, yoga-ing, and meditating; all in hopes of increasing my capacity for understanding.

Those reds don't have to be so mean...

Sweet Tooth

This sweet girl has an incurable sweet tooth. Sophie is learning all about "knock-knock" jokes. This was her first...

Sophie: "Knock! Knock!"
Mommy: "Who's there??"
Sophie: "Banana!"
Mommy: "Banana, who?"
Sophie: "Cookie!! Cookies, please!"

I love my little Buggy!

9 Months

I miss you more....

Whooped

Right now I remember it perfectly...
June 2003

I was sitting on the couch in the apartment living room, talking to Ben on my little "ghetto brick" Nokia phone (like usual). Monica came out from her room. She had just ended a phone conversation with some random guy (pretty sure his name was Tyler).

Monica: "He just said that the best part of his day is talking to me..."
Me: [covering the phone with one hand] "Awe, he's just as whipped as Ben."

Ben: "Babe, I prefer the term, whooped."
Me: "Oh... You heard that. Sorry! You're not annoyed that I told them you're whipped, are you?"
Ben: "Nope, because I'm completely WHOOPED over you. You are gorgeous and funny and smart. And I am so lucky."
Me: "Ben, seriously..."
Benny: "I can keep going..."...


When I think about him, my mind most easily goes to moments like these; those first moments when I fell in love with him.

I miss that boy.
The one with the most comforting voice and infectious laugh...
The one who would drive 4 hours each way, just to see my un-made-up face...
The one who would go hiking, and call me just so he could proclaim his love from a mountain (no exaggeration)...
The one who always had to hold my hand...
The one who would get so sentimental over the smallest things...
The one who carried my picture in his wallet so proudly...
The one who so eagerly told everyone he knew how excited he was to start his life with me...
The boy who treated me like his greatest treasure...

I miss him.
And I miss the way I felt around him.

The Quirky Quirks

A good friend wrote a cute post about her "inner geek." I loved it, and so I wanted to play copy cat. It's so true that we're all a little odd in our ways.

Here are a few of mine!

1. I can listen to the same song over and over and over, and never get sick of it.

2. I sleep with at least 4 pillows every night. And one of them always has to be wedged between my knees.


3. I leave glasses of water out all the time. I'm always trying to get in those eight glasses a day. But more often than not, they end up unfinished and abandoned (on the night stand, counter top, book cases, computer desk...everywhere!).


4. I've been told that my method for clothing shopping is a little quirky. I'm always drawn to classic silhouettes, but I LOVE bright colors. Sometimes I'll see something basic, and try to find something similar with a bold accent.

5. Sometimes...when I'm all alone...I dance and sing loudly. I'm always terribly off key and ridiculous, but I love it. (Think, Hillary Swank in PS...I Love You)

6. I've been known to laugh and cry simultaneously. It's such an odd sight and sound. Just ask T. Thorpe!

7. I really love old movies. Lately I've been watching a lot of Audrey Hepburn. She's so adorable! Breakfast at Tiffany's is definitely one of my all time favorites. Jocee and Sophie have seen it so much that they'll sing along to Moon River. Love it!


8. I am the quintessential embodiment of clumsy! I've been known to fall down an entire flight of stairs at 3:00 am (with complete grace and poise, of course). So funny! Ask me about it sometime...
I have also passed this ability on to Jocee. She can do a full-on gymnast routine down the stairs and land almost on her feet. (Ask T. Thorpe about that one, too. She'll tell you all about it if she can manage to control her laughter!)


9. Anything I read, I edit in my head. I just can't help it. (I know I've mentioned this one before, but it's true!) The only exception to this is when I read emails from friends.

10. I am always very much...in my head. I'm always thinking about something. Sometimes I think, I think too much!

What are your quirky quirks??


Thanks, Lesley!! xo

Forever in Me

When the really tough questions surface....their elusive answers come in the sweetest ways.



And I love him for it.

G-I-N-N-Y

I love Ben.

And because I don't want to forget even the littlest things...

When I first introduced myself (over the phone), he got my name right. Without hesitation he said, "Ginny. Like, G-I-N-N-Y?"

So many guys I had dated before went weeks thinking my name was "Jenny." Some even had my number programmed in their cell phones that way. This always led to an awkward reintroduction...
"Umm... I'm not Jenny. It's, Ginny. Ya know, like Gin 'n Juice..."

But not my Love.
Benny got it right the first time.

Happy 4th!!

Love,
The Hill Girls

July '04

I love when old photos of us resurface.
There's always a memory to go along with them.

My first time to Macaroni Grill...
The food was mediocre, but the company made up for it.
I bet Terisa doesn't remember what we talked about during dinner, but I'm laughing at the thought!

This is Beautiful

I have learned that life is more bearable when my heart, mind, and eyes are open.

I have learned that there is no such thing as closure when you love someone. The relationship continues on, in the sweetest ways. Love does not diminish, or even remain the same. It can only grow throughout this life, and eternity thereafter.

Thank you, Benny!!
I love you...heart & soul.

Brown Eyed Beauties

Today, I am grateful for two things...

1. My blue-eyed genes are nowhere to be found.

2. A fabulous new camera to capture all the cuteness.

I love my girls!

"Mommy will."

This little girl loves the color pink, even more than I do.
Whenever she is given the option, it is always her first choice. There can never be too much of it. She'd make everything pink if she could (and I mean, everything).

The conversation she had with my mom a few days ago is too cute to keep to myself. She keeps me laughing almost daily.

Jocee: "Omie, I went potty! It wasn't pink again. [disappointed] I pee yellow."
Omie: "Everybody pees yellow."
Jocee: "Okay. Can I make purple pee then?"
Omie: "Purple pee? No, it's still gonna be yellow."
Jocee: "Can you MAKE me purple pee?"
Omie: [laughing] "No, I can't."
Jocee: "Will you BUY purple pee for me??"
Omie: "I don't think so."

Jocee: [sincerely] "Mommy will."

She was so sincere and honest. I adore her innocence, and absolute faith in me. Someday she'll realize that I can't do everything. But for now, I'll cherish her simplicity and laugh at all the silly little moments.

Stream of Consciousness

Sometimes I laugh at how ADD my thoughts can be. My mind is nearly never quiet. Perhaps that's why blogging is so easy, and meditation is such a challenge. I haven't really meditated since March. I'm overdue! But I digress...

I thought it might be interesting to see where my mind wanders in a short amount of time.

Starting...
NOW!

~
I'm so happy that I ate healthy today! I don't feel sick at all.

A steakhouse is no place for a vegan. Seriously.
I went to Longhorn Steakhouse and the menu was gross. Who eats beanless chili?? None of it looked remotely healthy. We're in the middle of a massive recession, and they're still in business??

Oh, and I totally couldn't tell if that manager was boy or a girl. I concluded that she was mostly girl. Maybe.

I'll never cut my hair that short. I think it's at it's shortest now. I like wearing it curly again. I should take pictures with that new camera once I figure it out... But anyway, it probably won't get any shorter; unless I get super old.
Oh...growing old now implies a long, long time without Ben... Ugh.
New topic!!

That astrology website T. Thorpe showed me is super interesting. Ben was...no..IS such a Leo. He's so cute. I only love him more now.

I love my friends. In Ben's absence, I have been blessed with such amazing people in my life. I'm so looking forward to seeing two of these cute girls on Saturday.
And even more excited for the girls' weekend in July with T. Thorpe! Hot rocks, facials, manis, pedis, PJs, Edwardo Cullen, laughing 'till we cry! Cannot wait! (16 DAYS!!)
Oh, and that concert in August with Lizzie B!
I just love them all!

A cute friend posted a youtube link on her FB. It was her aunt's gluten-free turkey meatball recipe. She said that they are to live for. I really like that. I'll start using it (and credit her for it, if asked).

Ever since October 21st, it has bothered me when people use death as an emphasis. I fight back cringing whenever I hear that someone is "dead serious" or something is "to die for" or if someone would "die for" someone else (IE children). While I appreciate the sentiment, my girls need me to live for them. Choosing to live is (more often than not) the more courageous choice.

Jocee is now singing along to a Tinkerbell song. I adore that sweet little voice. She has most of the words right. Something about "when you open your heart"...

Hmm...is my heart open??
This requires deeper, unblogged introspection...
~
So, there it is! A few minutes in my head. Maybe I'll do this monthly...

To: Our Daddy

Happy Father's Day!!
We love you always.

Love,
Jocelyn Michelle
&
Sophia Leigh

Running Around in His Dreams

Ben nearly never remembered his dreams.
I didn't understand it. And he didn't understand why I could remember mine more often.

In late August '06 we had recently discovered that Jocelyn was on her way. So fearful of another miscarriage, I insisted on not telling anyone until the doctor assured us that this baby was okay.

A week later Joe and Sara invited us over for dinner. Nate and Laura were there too. We played a board game that I was finally understanding.

Ben was tired. He quit the game early and went downstairs to their TV room. An hour later my strategy failed me, so I went to check on my cute husband.

He was laying on the couch with his eyes closed.
I remember asking, "Bennies, are you asleep?"

He squinted his eyes, and outstretched his arms in my direction. I crossed the room and cuddled in next to him. We mumbled about how tired we were (and I'm certain I made mention of how sick I felt).


On the ride home, Ben was quiet. When I asked him why he told me.

Ben: "Remember tonight when I was laying on the couch, and you came and laid next to me??"
Ginny: "Yeah...so?"
Ben: "I've dreamed that before."
Ginny: "Oh, like deja vu. So weird when that happens..."
Ben: "No. What's weird is that I had that dream years ago. I had that dream before I ever even met you. Everything was the same; the grey shirt you're wearing, the way you walked over to me, the way I held you... Ginny, I dreamed about you before I met you."

We made eye contact. Tears welled in my eyes. Immediately I blamed them on pregnancy hormones. He squeezed my hand and nothing more needed to be said.


Thank you, Benny....for the sweet memory.

Last Year....

I remember missing him, and wishing he was home instead.
If I knew how much I'd miss him now, I would have insisted on it.

Seven Years Ago, Today

We posed for our first picture together.
I remember not being happy with it.
I picked myself apart. He disagreed completely.


It stayed tucked inside his wallet, so that he could show "me" off to whomever asked.