28 March 2011

Not there anymore.

Lately I've felt stagnant and frustrated. Ben has been gone for 17 months, and on the surface there hasn't been any real progression. The three of us are still living with my parents, and I have yet to go back to school. I wonder if I'm grieving fast enough. Am I subconsciously choosing to hold myself back??

But less than 2 weeks ago, I was able to get rid of those wasted emotions.

While in UT, T. Thorpe and I did our usual. ---We went for energy massages from one of my favorite people (then we hit up a health food store, got some soy ice cream & got caught up on our shows. Ha!!). Anyway, I've known this favorite for 5 or 6 years now. And in the more recent months she has tried to remind me of how...okay and "together" I am. Something she said finally stuck with me.

"You've been so hurt, but you've sorted through so much. I know you've been through the, 'It wasn't supposed to be this way.' Feeling angry because you weren't supposed to be a single parent with these girls. I'm sure at one point you didn't even want to exist. You wanted to disappear. But you're not there anymore."

Tears instantly fell. Because even though I never told her, she knew and she was right.

I'm not there anymore.

And so even though I may still have days when I feel overwhelmed and a little defeated, those emotions are of little consequence. Rather I can look at all of those things that may be invisible to everyone but me, and know...I have come a long way.

Where I am right at this very moment is perfect (and obviously not forever).

24 March 2011

The Bloggy Things I Don't Understand

Sometimes I just feel like I missed a really important blogging memo; one that I should have read when I was just starting to consider writing one.

And then I feel indignant, and I want to break trend.

Soo... Here's a list of things that you should never see here (because I've excluded them on purpose. ;)).


Anthro.
I'll be the first to admit that their stuff is darling. But even if I had the resources, I wouldn't shop there. Seriously. This is not a case of "sour grapes." It's all just...overdone. When soo many people like something, it loses it's luster for me. Kinda like Coach bags...


[TAKING]
[PHOTOS]
[FOR]
[EVERY]
[LITTLE ]
[THING]

I used to wish that I could do this. It makes a blog so much more visually appealing, and memories are captured in the process. So sweet. But then I started realizing that it actually detracts from the experience. For example... My mom has a FB friend whose daughter was recently engaged. Proud of her daughter, she posted all of the photos her daughter had taken that night. The candlelit dinner for two...the food...the ring...those arm-outstretched vanity shots... So romantic. I could seriously picture the poor girl busying herself with picture taking, so much that the poor little groom-to-be had to sit and wait. Mood Killer.
(Note: Any posts about my vacation won't have very many photos... :D)


Song lyrics.
Okay, so I know I did this once. But that was an exception (one that I could potentially make again). I understand and appreciate why some people choose to post them. But it just doesn't work for me. I genuinely try to put my own feelings into my own words. And if I can't, I usually just stay silent.


Just sayin'!

:)

I may have forgotten that I have a blog...

And I may have forgotten that other people write blogs.


Opps!

Here's the deal.... I have a tendency to get super introspective. I think way too much...all the time.

Life got crazy. Actually...it was just the new normal, and I was tired (partially from thinking too much). I'm still a little tired, but whatev! :)

So (only because my parents can sometimes be patient and long-suffering) I went on a kid-free holiday, from everything (blogging included). It was amazing.

I might blog about it.

Anyway...
I'm back!!
(...and feeling that much more like me :))



Love!!
xo

11 March 2011

Recharge



Flights: Booked
SW Boarding Pass: Printed (Group A--Hollerrr!)
Laundry: Done
Car rental: Reserved
Bags: Packed!!



Hello, SoCal & Utardiah!
I have missed you!

:)