Stream of Consciousness: Nov

I totally spaced a Stream of Consciousness post last month. But I didn't like what I was thinking about most of that time anyway. Sometimes I think it's dumb to write one. But, whatever. Here's some mind puke!
:)

I feel really quiet lately. Is it obvious?? I feel like my writing skills have plummeted.

I'm really glad this month is over. I'll be really glad when next month is over, too. I keep having flashbacks of where I was last year. In complete shock. The holidays came on so quickly and I was too numb to care.

Call me crazy, but I kind of miss being numb like that. This year I get to be acutely aware of what my new normal is. Ben isn't here (physically), and that will become more and more normal. Yuck. Denial has worn off and reality is raw. There's nothing to shield me from it.

Soo I'm being super lame and listening to emo crap. I used to make fun of people who did that. Like My December.... I don't want it to be December tomorrow... Ha! Gotta snap out of it. Hmmm....something upbeat....

Oh! Thanksgiving was wicked fun (See that?? Hah!). I forgot how much I've missed holidays in New England. And my family is the funniest! I love them so much. :)

I wish my babies weren't sick. They're the sweetest. I love that they are best friends. It makes everything worth it. Sophie is saying the cutest things... I should write a post all about that.



And that's pretty much where my head is at. I'll be better soon.

Love!!

Today

:)

...

I hate the news.... I haven't really watched any since that day. Why couldn't the media have waited just 15 minutes longer, so that the cop could tell me first??

And now when I hear of people passing on, I can't help but feel love and sorrow for the families they have left behind. How their lives are changed, and the grief they face.

I am deeply saddened by yesterday's news. Several friends notified me all at once; ...another small plane crash so close to where we used to call home, and from the same flight school Ben instructed at.

Immediately, I checked news websites to see what I could find. I was sickened to see that the families hadn't been notified yet. I felt helpless for them. I caught myself pacing like I had before, knowing that at any moment hearts would break.

I wondered what they were doing, and so hoped they didn't read what I read. I hoped they had been too busy. I hoped they didn't have to feel that same helpless panic.

My heart especially breaks for the children and spouses that these people leave behind. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

(I don't want this post to come up on a search engine. And I would like to give the families the privacy they so dearly need and deserve. But to understand more click here.)

The Dollar

We had just got back from our honeymoon. I can't remember what we were talking about, but he was certain that he was right and I was wrong. He wanted to bet me 50 bucks. I reminded him that our new joint checking account made money bets moot. He agreed...

"The Dollar" was more my idea, but he ran with it. Immediately he reached in his wallet, got a dollar and made it official.

Whoever got The Dollar, had the satisfaction of knowing they were right. We bet that dollar on everything, especially the smallest, silliest wagers; for all of the 5 years & 5 months.

In that last move from Springville, Terisa found it. She took it and told me that she'd mount and frame it. At the time I didn't care, and quickly forgot. But around the 11 month mark, she randomly stumbled upon the perfect frame (with a little help from above :)).

Before we left the crash site, she gave it to me. Seeing it again reduced me to tears. Maybe it shouldn't have. But the little things that are left behind have meant the most.
And I adore that chicken scratch handwriting of his...

I love Ben.


Thank you, Terisa!!

Rock Star Week

With all the craziness of October going on, Lizzie B & I decided that a Rock Star Week was in order. Actually...since she is the best at getting concert tickets, she found out that two of our favorites would be in the area during the same week... Love her!!

On October 16th we saw...

He was even better in person! The venue was really small and intimate. He needs to be playing bigger shows. I don't understand how he isn't more well known. Loved it.
And I found a new favorite song...

Sweet moments :)

On Saturday, the 16th we saw...

They've been my favorite since I was 17, but I hadn't seen them live yet. It was definitely one of the best concerts I've ever been to. They played almost all of my favorites.

We both developed a renewed appreciation for Jason Wade. His jeans fit well, and he didn't dance around the stage weird. We're not picky! ;)

Oh, and shortly after this vanity shot was taken, some classy broad spilled her beer all over my jacket. We had to laugh at the irony!
Still one of the best concerts ever.

And a really good week, with a very sweet friend.
:)

My Baby is TWO!!

It's so hard to believe this sweet baby of mine turns two years old today! I so enjoy this age, and I love the little person that Sophie is becoming.


She has the sweetest disposition, and the cutest sense of humor. She'll even laugh at her own jokes. Seriously!


She has some of the funniest facial expressions ever!

...all the time. :)


She LOVES playing with my hair, and always has. This was part of the reason for her Rapunzel costume for Halloween. (Yes, I know. She refused to wear the wig and the tiara).

Playing dress-up is one of her favorite things to do.

She carries a blanket everywhere. Her current favorite is a purple fleecy one.

She LOVES the color purple...and Tinkerbell....and Princesses....and firetrucks. ;)

She still talks about Daddy. More than anyone else can, she reminds me of him.

If there are words to express how grateful I am for this little girl, I can't find them. I could talk about her endlessly to anyone who would listen. I feel so blessed to have her. Our eternal family wouldn't be complete without her. She amazes me everyday.

Happy birthday, Buggy!!
Mommy & Daddy love you!

Here's The Deal

Back in the beginning of 2009, I wanted to start a blog. But I didn't know what I'd write about or if it would be anything anyone else would care to read. But that part didn't matter.

All I knew was that I did not want to be one of those stereotypical Utah moms. You know, the ones with those braggy blogs, all about how awesome their lives are? Read between the lines and they're just laughable.

In February I approached Ben about starting one. Usually he'd mention those blogs and easily talk me out of it. But this time I was surprised by how encouraging he was. He even came up with the URL. Yes, I know it's sickeningly cliche but he was being supportive, so I went with it.

Eight months later Ben died, and for a while I contemplated getting rid of it entirely.

Several people encouraged me to write as much as I could about him while memories were fresh; mainly for Jocee and Sophie. I agreed. But that seemed like such a daunting task. Each time I sat down and looked at the blank paper, all I could do was write a disjointed, tear-drenched letter to him.

But that blog was still up... The computer screen wasn't nearly as intimidating. I still had plans of someday printing those earlier entries for Jocee and Sophie to have. Memories of Daddy would make it meaningful, and someday prove invaluable.

As support from others quickly dwindled, I was left with essentially no one to talk to. If I was expected to act like nothing happened, I could blindly display my feelings somewhere else. The rejection would be more palatable if it was indirect.

So the blog stayed.

And here it is, 1 year, 1 week, & 4 days after that little world of mine imploded.

And here we are... My girls still need stories of their daddy, and they will throughout their entire lives. They will know that their daddy loves them, everyday that we are apart. They will know that he is just as real and alive now, as he was then. So as long as these memories surface, I will share them. Because really, at the end of the day I write this blog for them.

And me? I'm not even close to the woman I want to be yet. Me growing into me, could be entertaining. And even if it's not...whatev!

This blog is here to stay.

xo