How I Feel

...because no one seems to understand.

Most days I feel like an island.

I hate that I cannot find anyone who has gone through exactly what I am in the midst of. I look around and there is not a single soul that I can fully relate to. Most widows and widowers are in a much older age range. Those who are my age are far and few between, and circumstances are never similar.

Many people have either asked questions or said things that have left me unsettled and speechless. I do not believe that any of them have been ill-intentioned. But at times it has been shocking.
In response to these silly questions...
~
I'm 26 years old.

I have two little girls under the age of 3.

I was married to my life's love for 5 years, 5 months, & 4 hours.

My husband (who is the best, best friend that I've ever had) was completely healthy.

My husband (who I planned on spending the rest of this life with) was a skilled, meticulous, cautious pilot.

My husband (who I love with my whole being) left for work one day, never to return home.

But he did not leave our family on his own accord (and I know that he never would).
~
Benjamin David Hill is a husband, father, brother, uncle, son, friend, & pilot whom can never be replaced. There is a void in this world that will never be filled in his absence.

I know perfectly that he still loves me.

I know I will be with him again.
I look forward to that day.
And when that day is here, I hope he is proud of what I have become.
~
I miss him terribly. It's an emptiness like nothing else.
And I know that I miss him most.

I want to be okay on my own; although I don't know how or when I'll get there.

No, I do not like being a single parent.
Especially when I feel tired, sick, drained, and/or impatient.

And yet I don't feel single in it's truest sense.

I have no desire to remarry.
None.

And if I ever where to remarry, it would have to be to a widower, preferably with 1-3 kids of his own. Someone who cherished his late wife & could relate to me in that critical way.

Yes, I will be that picky.

No, I am not looking for someone to "take care" of me.

My children have a father.

I will be okay on my own.