Thankful

To say that life has been difficult recently would be an outright understatement. There are so many emotions to deal with on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis. I find myself wishing things could be different, wishing I could just have the life we had planned on, wishing I didn't have to be without my best friend.

But at the same time, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for what I do have.

1. There aren't words enough to convey how thankful I am for Ben.

(In fact, I should probably do a different post for him entirely.) But I will say, I am thankful for all the time we were given. I am thankful for his enduring sweetness, and selflessness. Even now, his love and concern for us leaves me in awe. Marrying Benjamin David Hill is unequivocally the best choice I have made, and will make in this life.

2. I am thankful for Jocee and Sophie.

Jocee's eyes are Ben's exact shade of brown. She has a will, wit, and passion for life that will never fade.

Sophie is Ben's little carbon copy. She is sweet, easy-going, and smart as all get out. I couldn't have been entrusted with more beautiful, intelligent, amazing little girls.

3. I am thankful for all of my brothers and sisters-in-law. They are more than just "in-laws," friends, or even best friends. They are my family. There are no favorites. I genuinely love them all. I am so very fortunate to have each of them in my life.

4. I am thankful for Richard & Elaine. While living with them has been an adjustment for all parties involved, their generosity is remarkable. To spare me from more trauma, Richard stepped in and took care of all the ugly details and final arrangements for Ben. Elaine has helped me through so many difficult moments with this whole process.

5. I am thankful for my parents and sister. My dad has always been such a good example to me. My mom is the best grandmother. And my sister...(you can read more about her...here.) Gotta lover her!

6. I am thankful for good friends. I feel so fortunate to have people who love me and are supportive of me outside of just family.

7. In short; I am grateful for such a strong support system. Lately it seems like people's general comments have revolved around how "strong" I am. In all honesty, I nearly never feel that way. I couldn't handle things the same without such amazing people in my life.


And once again, there aren't words enough to express my gratitude...

(#4... I'll just say, some lessons need to be learned the hard way.)

Photography by Crystal

Friday was another difficult day.
The finality of our mortal circumstances will always bring tears to my eyes.

Family brought cameras.
We felt it was important to have something to show the girls when they're older.

Sophie was asleep for most of it.
But Crystal got some adorable shots of Jocee.
This little girl and her sister bring such light and strength to my life during seemingly somber times.

I love my sisters!
(All 6 of them!)

100 Years

It's the title of a song.

Whenever I would hear this song, I would fondly think of all that life had in store for Ben and me.

• Having babies...
• Watching these beautiful girls grow up...
• Ben taking the girls hiking, camping, fly fishing, etc... (And all while Jocee screams her head off! A tomboy, she in not!)
• Celebrating their every milestone together...
• Buying our first home..
• Buying and/or building our dream home...
• Traveling when we would eventually get the time, money, & pilot benefits...
• Sleeping in when all of our kids went off to college...
• Becoming grandparents...

(Not to mention all the little plans we had for the coming days, weeks, & months.)

These plans are now interrupted. To say they are completely ruined, for me would imply a sense of hopelessness.

I've always been the kind of person who likes to live in the future. I like to plan. I like to have goals to strive for and anticipate. The "5-year-plan" is something I'm all too familiar with. Although none of these "plans" have ever entirely come to fruition, I would continue to make them anyway. Having some direction is better than none at all.

For the first time in my life, I am not making any real plans. I am really only able to live in the present. Right here and right now is all that I can control. It is all that really matters.

I will not think of how I will get through this next week, month, year, or five years.
Right now is all that matters.
Right now, I will get a glass of water.

One Year Ago Today...

Ben writes letters to the girls from time to time in journals that he bought, when each of them were first born. I always love reading what he puts in those little blank books.

He wrote the following to Sophie, on the day we brought her home.
(One year ago, today...)

11/8/2008

My Dearest Sophie,

We brought you home from the hospital today. You are perfect, and your mother and I are overjoyed to have you. You were born 3 days ago by c-section at Orem Community Hospital. 7 pounds, 9 ounces and 19 inches long. While you look very much like your sister did at birth, your mom and I immediately noticed that your voice, your cry is different. Through the whole pregnancy things have been different. From the foods your mom craved, to the way you moved. Your sister was, and is as of this writing, a kicker. You have been very calm and since your birth, very mellow. I was there at your birth, took you while the doctor stitched up your mom. I was with you the whole time. When your eyes opened, I was the first face you saw. Mine was the first finger you held. I am so happy to have you. I loved you before you were born, and that has only grown stronger these last 3 days. I am excited to be your father.

Love,
Your Dad

(Ben's signature)

Dear Sophia Leigh...

Dear Sophie,

Today you turn one year old! One year ago today, we welcomed you into our family. Instantly we knew that you were perfect, beautiful, and nothing short of amazing.

With time we have been able to become acquainted with your sweet little spirit.

• You are sweet to the core!
• You are kind.
• You are affectionate.--You love to give hugs, and have earned the nick-name, Buggy. Our little "cuddle bug."
• You have developed your adorable sense of humor!
• You have the best little laugh, and love to be tickled.
  
• You are assertive. You don't let your big sister push you around.
  
• You are without a doubt, a talker! I am amazed by how many words you have already.
• You have your daddy's calm temperament.
  

You love your sister, and like nothing more than to play with her. It has always been our hope that the two of you grow up to be best friends.


Your daddy loves, and will always love you; more than I could ever relate. He has adored you from the moment he was told of your existence. Daddy spent every moment he could with you. If you had a hard time sleeping, he would get up with you at night or early mornings. He would play with you. He would talk to you. He loved to comfort you and sooth your cries. He would cuddle with you whenever you would let him.

Daddy wants the absolute best for you. He would give you the world if he could. He wants you to be happy, healthy, and safe. Most of all, Daddy wants you to always know how precious you are to him. Daddy will always watch over you with concern for your well being. You are so very blessed to have him as your father.

(Sunday morning, 18 Oct 2009)

Love,
Mommy

My Life's Love

I genuinely enjoy writing.
Although, I leave plenty of room for improvement.
I wish that I could put my emotions into words more adequately.

I like to blog...
But I never thought I would be grateful for our blog.
Most things on the internet can turn into a waste of time.
Priceless, finite time...

I am grateful that I took some of that limited resource to write and post the following 2 entries.

5 Years & 2 Kids Later...

30 Reasons Why I Love, Benjamin Hill

Oh, how I wish I could put my feelings into words.