So, I was driving around doing mundane errands by myself...deep in thought (my usual MO), when I realized that I really am getting better...in legit, measurable ways.
And I so love it.
I'm laughing more like I used to.---More often, and at appropriate times. ;)
I donated my I-haven't-eaten-in-5 1/2-months jeans. That emaciated look wasn't good on me, and I don't anticipate it making a comeback.
I changed my play list! The original was getting bastardized with non-Ben-approved songs. (Like he would listen to Jessie J!) Those melancholy songs don't resemble me anymore! Yay!
At my 10 year high school reunion a lot of people didn't know about my widow status, and I didn't feel the need to tell them.
I don't feel the need to tell anyone, really. It's a life altering event, but it's not who I am.
And if it does come up in conversation, I will do my best to make the other person feel comfortable. No need for awkward moments.
I'm still soo glad I didn't brand my blog! (sadlittleblondewidow dot blogspot dot com... Hah!!)
I've considered leaving the widow forum I joined two years ago. I've never been a big contributor anyway. And that conference was mostly a drag. Introductions felt like prison. Instead of the, "Whatcha in for?" it was a somber, "So what happened? How long has it been?" Yikes.
I'm breathing easier. Literally.
There was a part of me that thought that letting go of some of the pain would be bittersweet. Necessary, but still kind of awful. Everyone told me, "Time heals" (blah, blah, blah, blah). But I was so afraid that would prove to mean that time would rob me of my love for him. Time would take away the sound of his voice or the way his hands felt when they held mine. Because it can't hurt if you forget it was there.
Instead it's more of a gift. I've sat with this grief, and acknowledged it in every way I know how. The weight of it can start to shift now. It will always be a part of me, but it doesn't need to be the biggest part. It shouldn't be. Allowing myself to be defined and kept back isn't good for anyone. Things that break are meant to either be thrown away or fixed.
I'm in the "To Be Fixed" pile.
I was made to be happy. There will be far more happy moments than sad.
I love Ben.
:)
And I so love it.
I'm laughing more like I used to.---More often, and at appropriate times. ;)
I donated my I-haven't-eaten-in-5 1/2-months jeans. That emaciated look wasn't good on me, and I don't anticipate it making a comeback.
I changed my play list! The original was getting bastardized with non-Ben-approved songs. (Like he would listen to Jessie J!) Those melancholy songs don't resemble me anymore! Yay!
At my 10 year high school reunion a lot of people didn't know about my widow status, and I didn't feel the need to tell them.
I don't feel the need to tell anyone, really. It's a life altering event, but it's not who I am.
And if it does come up in conversation, I will do my best to make the other person feel comfortable. No need for awkward moments.
I'm still soo glad I didn't brand my blog! (sadlittleblondewidow dot blogspot dot com... Hah!!)
I've considered leaving the widow forum I joined two years ago. I've never been a big contributor anyway. And that conference was mostly a drag. Introductions felt like prison. Instead of the, "Whatcha in for?" it was a somber, "So what happened? How long has it been?" Yikes.
I'm breathing easier. Literally.
There was a part of me that thought that letting go of some of the pain would be bittersweet. Necessary, but still kind of awful. Everyone told me, "Time heals" (blah, blah, blah, blah). But I was so afraid that would prove to mean that time would rob me of my love for him. Time would take away the sound of his voice or the way his hands felt when they held mine. Because it can't hurt if you forget it was there.
Instead it's more of a gift. I've sat with this grief, and acknowledged it in every way I know how. The weight of it can start to shift now. It will always be a part of me, but it doesn't need to be the biggest part. It shouldn't be. Allowing myself to be defined and kept back isn't good for anyone. Things that break are meant to either be thrown away or fixed.
I'm in the "To Be Fixed" pile.
I was made to be happy. There will be far more happy moments than sad.
I love Ben.
:)
3 comments:
So well said, and it makes me want to be a happier person. Trials do not define us, they refine us. :)
As I read this I hoped and prayed my sister can get to your point and is able to move forward too! I LOVE reading your blog. You bring so much hope. Thank you!!
You are the one of the most inspirational people i have ever had the pleasure to know! wow! i love you!!
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