The Heating Pad

So, I have tendinitis in both knees...
My right knee is way worse than my left...
It doesn't bother me often...
But when it flares up, the pain can get pretty intense (occasionally unbearable).

But that's not my point....

Whenever my knees started hurting, Ben would play knight in shining armor and come to my rescue. As soon as I'd tell him, he would make me comfortable on the couch (as if I were helpless). Then he would get the ibuprofen, my favorite juice, and the heating pad.

He would plug that heating pad in, adjust the setting, and wrap it securely and comfortably around the offending knee.

And then he would rent a movie that we would watch together on the couch (mostly his choice). I can't remember what movie we watched last time. But I do remember that my knee felt much better by the end of it.
I remember how grateful I was, too.

Just this week that tendinitis has decided to flare up...again.
But this time I plugged that heating pad in....all by myself...
I went and got my own ibuprofen, and water...

I went back to the couch, and tried several times to wrap the pad just the way Ben used to. Those tears that I'm sick of, started when I realized that I couldn't.

I cried even harder when I realized I forgot a pillow, that there was no guy movie waiting to be watched, and I was sitting on a different couch, in a different house 3,000 miles away from the other.

I only continued to sob when I realized how long it has been. After nearly 10 months I still can't fathom just how final this is.
And I still don't want to.