Stream of Consciousness: Aug

I've found a renewed appreciation for August this year. Ben was born in this month, and I'm eternally grateful for that. It has been full of enlightening, intuitive experiences. Too many and too personal to blog about, but fulfilling and amazing nonetheless.

So this morning several people informed me that today is national "I Love You" day. 8/31...8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning...I love you. How darling is that?! I know it's not official, but I adore it. It makes me wish I knew this while Ben was still here. I would have done something to celebrate it. We didn't like the mainstream cheesiness of Valentine's Day. Ben would have went along with me, for sure.

I saw a huge spider today..inside! Killed it, dead. Actually it was a team effort. Yays for my Dyson, and my mom for lugging it upstairs. I totally pressed the power button. But I have killed many spiders allll by myself. I'm sure I make Ben proud. Or at the very least, he's just happy that I don't shriek like a priss about them anymore.

Speaking of bugs... I was working on a cute friend's blog. Can you believe she wants me to help set it up (like I know what I'm doing?)?? Love her! I was looking for dragonfly images, since she loves them. I came across this one (found here)...

At first I couldn't decide if it was cute or gross.
I've concluded that it's mostly cute. :)

I saw a quote the other day that I know he would have liked. No. Correction. I saw a quote that I know he likes.
"I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy." -Rabindranath Tagore

Ben knew this all too well. He wore himself out in service to others. He gave of himself quietly, and without question or expectation. And now as people remember him, this is what sticks out clearest in their minds. No one has doubted how much he loves them. In this respect, I want to be like more like him.

To this point, this entire experience has changed my perspective tremendously. It has given me a level of empathy that I may not have understood as deeply otherwise. If I can someday emerge as something better than before, then none of these tears will have been wasted. Maybe that will be my silver lining....

I love Ben.
That is all.

Wait. Where am I?

You know you've left Utah, and entered Massachusetts when...

• After leaving for the grocery store, you feel super annoyed that you only had time to put on some tinted moisturizer and mascara. Then when you get there, you're more dressed up than half of the other moms who literally just rolled out of bed.

• Health food stores are far and few between.
  

• You spot girls walking around in frumpy clothes, carrying designer handbags. Coach does not save the outfit. Sorry.

• You wonder why people don't abbreviate or substitute swear words anymore. Oh wait, they never did...

• You wonder why there are reports of great whites when you're landlocked. Oh, that's right. You're not. (Okay, so that's more one my trademark blonde moments, but whatever.)

• You totally forgot you can get fresh seafood here. But being vegan makes it a moot point.
  

• You wonder when drivers got soo inconsiderate and aggressive. Oh wait, they always have been!

• You've replaced "wicked" with words like "super" and "way." I wonder when that word will organically find it's way back into my vocabulary...

The last 10 months, 1 week & 2 days have been the most disorienting that I've ever experienced. I find it laughable at how odd of an adjustment it has been. For now, I blame widow brain.

Or maybe I've been away from MA too long. But 9 years isn't that long. Is it?? And yet, so much happened to me in those 9 years.
It feels so foreign. But my whole life still feels foreign.

I suppose part of me thought that most things would just fall into place. I thought my new normal would be easier to find. I thought I'd feel half better at the 6 month mark. I don't really know what I expected for the 1 year mark, but it's coming up too quickly. I'm no where near where I wanted to be.

The First Two Years

My parents met in Salt Lake City... She was from Thousand Oaks, California (attending LDS Business College), and he was from Sharon, Massachusetts (working for a friend's coin selling business). They met at their singles ward. Pretty cliche.

Every time they go to Salt Lake, nostalgia overtakes them. I remember when my dad took me out to Idaho for the first time. We spent a day in SLC. It seemed so important to him to show me everything he could. He showed me their first apartment building, the mall Mom shopped at, Crown Burger, Ensign Peek.... At the time I was annoyed. Why was he so enthusiastic about a place they spent only 3 years at??

Years later when my parents came out to visit us, I teased my dad about their usual site-seeing. His response always stuck with me. "Ginny, this is where we started out. Who knows? Maybe one day you and Ben will look back on your time here in Utah, and feel the way we do."

At the time I disagreed completely. We were living in a small two-bedroom apartment in Orem. I was working at an awful call center while Ben was trying to finish flight school. We had future hopes of Oregon (him) or Northern California (me). In my mind there would be nothing to miss. Our future was bright and full of promise.


And now, four years later, Dad was right.

I miss that little apartment.
(turquoise carpeting, drafty widows, loud upstairs neighbors, and all)
I miss running mundane errands together.
I miss him surprising me with lunch at work.
I miss cuddling on our couches when they were new.
I miss coming home to unexpected peach roses or Gerber daisies.
I miss the way he would quote movies for days after we rented them.
I miss those days when we were soo tired that we fell asleep in bed by 8:00.

I miss all of it....the good, and the bad alike.
Because really, the sad wasn't that awful, and the happy was euphoric.

I'd give anything to go back to those years. Lately it's all I think about each night as I try to fall asleep. And yet, at that time I was so consumed with wanting more. I doubt I ever fully appreciated how sweet my life was.

I will never make this mistake again. I couldn't if I tried. That idealistic part of me that wanted everything perfect is now gone. It's a lesson learned the really really really hard way.

30+1

Ben turned 30 years old last year. In sorting through things, I came across the original letter I wrote him.

He later told me that this was the nicest thing that anyone had ever done for him.

Happy Birthday, Bennys!

In celebration of you turning 30, I wanted to give you a list of 30 things that I love about you. I'm certain that I don't express them all enough.

Here they are, in a random order...

1. Thank you for being so easy to talk to. The entirety of our long-distance relationship would not have worked otherwise. When Marci teased me about marrying you, I remember telling her that I wanted to marry someone who I could talk so easily to.
2. Thank you for your confidence. It was one of the first things I noticed when we met in person.
3. Thank you for always being chivalrous. When you open doors or pull out chairs they are gestures that never go unnoticed or unappreciated.
4. Thank you for being sentimental about the little things. It means so much to me.
5. Thank you for being family oriented and for putting us first.
6. Thank you for all of the sweet thoughtful things you surprise me with to remind me how much you care (IE getting me a copy of Breaking Dawn at 5:30 am, taking me to see Twilight and being so good about it--just 2 of countless examples).
7. Thank you for giving me 2 beautiful, healthy, perfect babies. And thank you for being such a good daddy to them!
8. Thank you for always looking for ways to spend time with Jocee.
9. Thank you for being my best friend.
10. Thank you for never being judgmental or critical of others. I have always admired that about you, and strive to be the same way.
11. Thank you for not being a gossip. It seems like so many people are too caught up in the lives of others. I love that you are mainly just concerned with our little family.
12. Thank you for being such an amazing pilot. I never have to worry about you flying. It's the perfect profession for you, and I hope you always love it.
13. Thank you for being so level-headed about politics.
14. Thank you for being such a guy's guy! It's adorable.
15. Thank you for being articulate.
16. Thank you for being such a good shopper. I love that you're always able to find what you want at a third of the normal price. I never have to worry when you buy a new toy because I know you shopped around, for months in some cases, before you made a decision.
17. Thank you for being so down to earth. I have always loved that about you. That little red car named, Chewy was actually a selling point. I knew that you didn't get caught up in appearances.
18. Thank you for making me feel safe. There's always a sense of complete security when I see you walk through the door.
19. Thank you for being innovative. I think it's amazing that you can think of something and find a way to make it yourself. I've seen you do this with a lot of your different gun parts, but I know you can do it with almost anything.
20. Thank you for abiding by the boy scouts' motto. You thought of establishing food storage and 72-hour kits first. I love that you always think ahead.
21. Thank you for being so smart, in every sense of the word.
22. Thank you for having such a hands-on personality. I have always loved that about you. I'm confident that you can learn how to create or do anything if you have to use your hands
23. Thank you for being such a people person. You have a way of putting people at ease.
24. Thank you for being such a chance taker. I admire your ability to make decisions quickly.
25. Thank you for giving up caffeine. It makes me really happy that you're doing something to improve your overall health. I want you to be around as long as possible.
26. Thank you for supporting me with going back to school.
27. Thank you for all the new experiences you've given me (IE fishing, hiking, camping, shooting). You have gotten me to do things I would never choose to do myself.
28. Thank you for having such a good sense of humor. And it's especially adorable when you try to get me to laugh.
29. Thank you for your laugh. You have the best laugh ever! I can't watch funny shows or movies unless you're with me. I've tried when you're away...and it's not the same.
30. And lastly, (but definitely not least) thank you for being soo adorably attractive! (Yes, I could think of dozens of other qualities. But this one is important, too!)

Happy Birthday, Lover! I wish we could be there to celebrate with you. My love for you has only grown over time. You possess so many other qualities that I could add to this list. I am so grateful that I get to have you as my best friend, and that our girls get to have you for their daddy. You're my favorite. I love you!!

All my love,
Baby Ginnys

And if I could add just one more item to this list....

31. Thank you for continually reminding me that your love for me (and faith in me) is pure, unwavering, and eternal. Oh, how I wish you could have turned 31 today. I keep reminding myself that this time without your physical presence will someday be remembered as a small moment. Through it all, I can only love you more. Thank you for being the very best part of my heart and soul. All my love.