I spy with my little eye...

Signs are everywhere!
xo

Wedding Cake

While sorting through wedding photos, I came across the following. Most of our favorites were candid. I love that some of our funnest moments of that day were captured (and some at different angels).

I'll call the following series....
Cake, in your face!

.
.
He was so kind...

.
.
But temptation got the best of me!

.
.
.
And with cake still on his face, he kissed me and all was forgiven!
Classic Benny!

21 May 2004

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
Emily Bronte

Titanium

I took his wedding ring out of the box for the first time today.
A wave of emotion overcame me...just like I knew it would.

Ben wore it constantly. He was never without it. And in those rare moments when he did take it off, a perfect tan-line was left behind.

We were married a month when it got it's first scratch. He had been working on the car. At first he was annoyed with himself. But then he looked at me and said, "So what if it gets dinged up? I like it. It just shows that I wear it all the time, and that I like being married to you."

And so for the first time, I held it in my hands and studied all the little marks; 5 years, 5 months, and 4 hours worth of wear.
Too short.

I can't help but want to hand it back to him. I want him to put it back on, so he can cover that silly tan-line. There should be more scratches, more stories, more memories.
I want it all back.

And tomorrow, he would have worn it for six years.
Six years is too short.

I want my Love back.
I want my life back.
I want it all back.

19 May 2003

This is a date that has always held pivotal significance for us.

Soon after Ben and I met in person, it was obvious that we had developed a mutual interest in each other. After the four months and countless hours spent on the phone, we had become best friends. So, the fact that we thought each other adorable was merely a nice extra.

Ben called me during finals week and told me of an opportunity to sell pest control over the summer in Las Vegas. This was something he had done several times before and in doing so could make enough money to replace his current car (Chewy!) and live off of for the year. He seemed indecisive and kept asking me what I thought, and how I felt about him being gone all summer; as if my input would make his decision. It felt uncomfortable to be put in this position. Who was I to help him choose?

I wanted him to do what he felt was best for him. I tried to help him weigh the pros and cons, and it seemed like the better option was to take the job...again. We were able to see each other one more time during the last weekend in April. There was no mention of Vegas, so I forgot all about it.

Within days of me going back to Idaho, he left for Nevada. We still talked everyday, several times a day. He had so many funny stories to tell, but would constantly tell me how much he missed me.

At this point the definition of what we were to each other was still somewhat unclear to me. We obviously liked each other, but the timing seemed off. Once he got back from NV in August, I would be leaving for Boston for the fall semester. I didn't want to spend my summer on the phone when I could be out experiencing life, and dating guys who lived near me.
He had been gone for a week when I told him all of this, and I was taken aback by how it upset him.

He immediately made plans to take time off from work for Memorial Day weekend (May 23-26). He would drive up to Idaho and bring me back to Orem, so that we could spend time together. (I didn't tell him that I could find a ride there. I wanted to see how serious he was about me. Horrible!)

We started our 12-day countdown...

I remember the day he called just to tell me that he found our song (Where Are You Going by Dave Matthews Band). He was driving in Vegas when the song came on the radio and he instantly thought of me. "Because,'...where you are is where I belong. I do know, where you go, is where I wanna be.."
(Anticipation was building! 8 days were left on the countdown...)

19 May 2003
It was a Monday.
My classes were over at 10:00 am.
I decided to go tanning with my roommate, Monica.

When I got out of the tanning bed I noticed several new texts on my phone...within 20 minutes...and all from Ben, of course.
They went something like this...

• Let's play a game.
• Where is Benny?
• Oh where, oh where could he be?
• I'll give you 3 guesses.
• Is he in Vegas? Probably not...
• Gin, you there?
• Are you busy?

I called him when we got into the car. He was almost giddy with excitement. He gave me the three guesses...

Me: "You're in Vegas."
Ben: "Wrong state! Not even close!"
Me: "Are you in Orem?"
Ben: "Nope!"
Me: "Are you in Utah??!"
Ben: "Another wrong state. Guess again!"
Me: "No! That was three! You have to tell me!"
Ben: "Just guess. I'm not in Vegas or Utah. I think you know."
Me: "Are you in Idaho.....?"
Ben: "Oh...I could be... But where in Idaho?"
Me: "No! No you are not!"

I immediately hung up on him and ran into my apartment. I peered out the bathroom window and saw him pulling up in a car I didn't recognize. I was so embarrassed! My hair was up in a pony tail, I had no makeup on, and no time to put makeup on. All of my roommates were laughing as I panicked.

Then I heard the knock on the door and without thinking, ran to it. I can't express how ecstatic I was when I saw him standing there...smiling...in an adorable light blue collared, button down shirt (untucked) and khaki pants.

He picked me up, swung me around, and kissed me.

May 19th is the day he drove down (just for that day) to tell me that he had quit the job in Vegas. He made just enough money to buy a more reliable car. He would stay in Utah and make an effort to see me regularly.

May 19th was the day I decided to take a chance on him. I wouldn't date anyone else.

We would cultivate our relationship, all be it long distance...

And exactly one year after this very day (19 May 2004), he took me through the temple, so that we could be sealed for eternity two days thereafter.



I am so very grateful for May 19th.

I miss all the little things...

I can't remember when or why this picture was taken.
But I will never forget how I felt.

Oh, to be 18 again! (just kidding)

Lately I've been feeling nostalgic for simpler times. Whenever I think back on being 17 or 18, I always think of how fun it was. I was the picture of carefree and confident. Life was so easy and full of promise. Everything made sense.

A few weeks ago I found some of my old journals. Since then, I've read through most of them and have officially changed my mind.

This entry in particular, is a bit repulsive...

Tuesday
11/20/01

Something really weird happened today. I was running late this morning, so I didn't have time to pack a full lunch.

So...when it was lunchtime I decided to go to Dunkin' Donuts in the mall and get a cranberry muffin and a small hot chocolate. Here's where it get's weird---> When the guy behind the counter gave me my order he told me I was, "all set." I thought that I heard him wrong and went to give him the money. He wouldn't take it and told me I was, "all set." ...I said, "Okay..." and walked away really confused.

When I sat down in the break room to eat it, I realized that it wasn't hot chocolate. It was like this pumpkin pie flavored coffee thing. It was really good. I'm pretty sure it wasn't coffee.

I was completely confused about the whole thing.---If I was looking cute today then I'd just figure he was flirting and trying to be nice. But I definitely know I was not cute today. I had no makeup on at all, my hair was tied back, and I wasn't wearing cute clothes.

If he was flirting then I think he's got low standards. Because I'm really not that cute unless I put a lot of effort into it.

But, maybe I'm not as horrible looking as I think. I don't know! Today after work I was talking to my mother outside of Victoria's Secret (she was handing out samples). She said that when I left the guy selling hot tubs (in front of Victoria's) said, You have a beautiful daughter."

But I wasn't wearing makeup! I didn't spend extra time looking cute (making myself look cute). I wasn't even wearing cute clothes.

I guess I'm just one of those people who can only feel attractive if I spend two hours getting ready. I really wish I know why he gave me my order for free. What was he thinking?--Just wish I could read minds.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cringe!

So after a long day of working retail at JCPenney, this is what had consumed my thoughts that day? Really??

And let's talk about how...eloquent I was!
How many times could I say "cute" in one entry?? (I counted 7.)
Could I have been any more repetitive or shallow or self-absorbed??
The whole composition is just awful.

And why did I not thank that kind boy??


In short:
While I am struggling in my current circumstances, I am happy.
Up to this point in my life, I like the woman that I am; much more than that carefree teen I once was.

Sisterly Love

Mother's Day

Last year...

A very sweet husband gave his wife...

• one dozen of her favorite Gerbera daisies
• some really good candy
  
• Saturday night dinner
• Sunday morning breakfast
  

...an unexpected, heart-felt, teary-eyed, long overdue apology.



Thank you, Benny.
I love you...heart & soul.

Did She Really Just Say That?

I adore this little girl's wit and humor. She has the ability to get me laughing (especially when laughing feels like a foreign concept).

Here are a few of my recent favorites.
~
Jocee: "Knock! Knock!"
Me: "Who's there?"
Jocee: "Jocee."
Me: "Jocee, who?"
Jocee: (giggles) "Jocelyn Michelle Hill!"
~
Jocee: "Knock! Knock!"
Me: "Who's there?"
Jocee: "Mommy!"
Me: "Mommy, who??"
Jocee: "Mommy Ginny Hill! Because you're Gin! Get it, Mom?"
~
"Give me my sister back!! I need my Sophie!"
(Usually said at night, when they're going to bed.)
~
"I'm going to turn you off, Laura!"
(Said while Skyping with my sister.)
~
"Bye, Mommy! I'm going with Omie! You need a break. Love you! Have fun!"
~
"I need to paint! I want to paint my room pink, and my bed purple and Tinkerbell green!!"

So lucky to have her!

My New Life

"There are moments in my life when I feel like my spirit is tapping my heart to remind me just why I still mortally exist. Today I had more of those tapping moments."



I've never heard this girl speak before. I've only read her blog intermittently. I had never found her inspirational. More often than not, I found myself rolling my eyes. In so many ways and for so many reasons, I'd gladly trade places with her.

Her flight was recreational.
Her plane crash was survived.
Her family and life are in tact.
She still has her sweet, supportive husband.

But today as I watched this video, I saw it for the first time. I have more in common with this girl than I ever thought possible. Although our lives are very different, our goals are the same.

I will always miss the other life I had; almost as much as I will always miss Ben. But amidst the heartache, there is so much room for growth. I will take this mess, and turn it into something good. I will grow into the woman I was always intended to be, and maybe something more.

And when that day is here...
That day that we will be together again...
Ben will be proud of me, too.