I adore Lifehouse. They're my all-time favorite. Ben always knew this.
While we were dating and engaged he'd sometimes play the guitar while we were on the phone. Being so far away from each other, we spent endless hours on the phone...
One day during one of those long conversations, Ben seemed mildly annoyed. He later explained that he had found a Lifehouse song for us and he didn't understand why I wasn't acknowledging it.
I hadn't heard it yet. As I listen to the lyrics, I find it fitting... now more than ever.
Jocee: Hey, Mommy... I see bugs. Can you get your vacuum, and get the bugs, please! Me: Absolutely, Jocee! Jocee: Two ants! Come see them. The ants are walking togezzer... Me: ((((laughs))))
Jocee: Oh, Mommy! You're laughing!? I like your laugh.
A memory has haunted me. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I'd like to admit. But it's one I hope to never forget, and so I'll put it here.
6 April 2007
Neither of us had slept the night before. Ben was too excited to meet the third member of our little family. I had spent the night wishing, hoping, and praying for spontaneous labor. I had tried everything and this baby wasn't coming out on her own. A c-section was certain.
When we got there, he wanted to take one last picture of my profile with my enormous belly. He told me to smile, and laughed as he snapped the photo. (I now understand why. Despite my efforts, I couldn't mask the look of terror on my face.)
Why wouldn't my body just do what it was supposed to? Was I taking the easy way out? Was this a big mistake? What if I waited just 7 more days? Ugh, did I really have to wear that frumpy hospital gown?
I remember watching Ben put on his haz-mat attire, thinking he had this so easy. I envied him. Why did he get to have a baby without needing to undergo some sort of surgery, too?
Walking into the OR felt like walking death row. They wouldn't let Ben go in with me. All I wanted was for him to be the one holding my hand while they finished prepping me.
And then Ben walked in and sat in a chair near my head. He cupped my face in his hands. He told me that the curtain was too low as he leaned in next to me, and rested his cheek next to mine; left hand still stroking my right cheek.
The surgery started and then I heard the Doctor say, "Ginny, are you ready for this?! You're going to be a mom real soon!"
And then we heard what we had waited for; our baby's first cry. It was strong and clear and more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. Simultaneously we started crying together. Ben wet my face with his tears as he quietly repeated, "Mama! That's our little girl! She's our little girl!"
I heard one of the nurses call out, "She looks good! She's really cute! 8 pounds, 11 ounces!!" The other doctor said, "That's what I was going to guess when we got her out. 8, 11..." My doctor reassured me, "Ginny, that was the best decision you could have made."
And then Ben was sitting in that chair next to me, holding Jocelyn, and still weeping tears of joy. I remember him saying, "She is so beautiful. You did such a good job, Mama. Thank you for our little Jocee."
Ben continued to hold Jocee for nearly the remainder of that day. He left the hospital only to sleep, and stayed with us for the majority of our stay. I couldn't have asked for a better daddy for our girls.
I have always said that this cute girl looks just like her daddy. Sure, there might be some of me in her; I only account for 50% of her DNA... But I love when old photos of him resurface, and the resemblance can be seen without question. I love that I can look into that cute face everyday, ...and see this...
Ben's little carbon copy... The imprint that he has left on the three of us is permanent and irreversible, and for that I am grateful.
In choosing to love him, I will never be the same.
Today you turned 3 years old! You have grown and experienced so much this year. It has been nothing short of a joy to watch you develop into the little lady that you are.
I'm certain you will always be a girly girl. You adore all things feminine.
Pink is still your favorite color. If it were possible, you'd make everything pink. Everything.
You love makeup, nail polish & hair. Many times I have wondered if cosmetology is in your future..
You are still a little fashionista. You have an opinion on everything you wear. You already know that a girl can never have too many clothes or shoes or handbags! You seem to enjoy shopping for clothes more than anything else.
You love to sing and do it as often as possible. I'm at a loss for where you get that from, but I love it.
You are without a doubt, one of the most tenacious and determined people I know. I admire your passion for life.
You are such an expressive little girl. You are incredibly articulate for your age.
You are my little artist. You love to paint, draw & color.
Above all, you are the best big sister. You are so sweet and protective with Sophie. She is your best friend. I love watching you share your toys and treats with her. You comfort her when she is sad or frustrated. You always seem to understand exactly what she wants. She looks up to you, and wants so much to be like you. I hope that the two of you are always close.
And most importantly, I want you to always know how much your daddy loves and treasures you. I know how much you miss him. I know it's hard to understand. I wish I had all the answers for you. I promise that someday this will all make sense.
I need you to know that he is always mindful of you. I will help you remember all you can about him. And when your memory fades, I will do all within my power to remind you. You will always know how important you are to him. You are so very blessed to have him as your father.
We are both so proud of you, and all that you are becoming.
One of my top 3 favorite days... At 9:46 am, Ben and I became parents for the first time. We shared tears of joy as we heard our first baby's strong, beautiful cry.
Thank you, Benny. Thank you...for giving me 2 healthy, perfect babies. Thank you...for always being such a loving, dedicated, protective daddy. Thank you...for being the reason, and biggest part of my sweetest memories. Thank you...for being mine, forever.
A widower friend sent me an email recently. He lost his wife just weeks before we lost Ben. He gave me a small inclination of what hitting the 6 month mark will be like.
I didn't want him to be right, but I have found myself feeling overwhelmed with the emotion that it brings. I dread what the next 2 months hold in store. There are milestones that I am finding more difficult than I could have ever anticipated. Memories from the last 7 years are surfacing and replaying over and over; mostly good. Yet all are painful.
April & May are such important months to us, and it will be nearly unbearable to go through it all without him. I tear up at the thought.
While Ben and I were dating, his good friend, Lindsay was serving an LDS mission in Boston. I remember Ben telling me this, and wondering if she and my parents would ever cross paths. Eventually they did.
At the time my parents were apprehensive about me dating Ben. They could sense things were getting serious, and didn't like that they had no way of meeting him in person. They had Lindsay over for dinner several times, and got to hear a lot about Ben. She helped put their minds at ease.
In March, Lindsay sent me the letters that Ben wrote her at that time. Reading them brought such bittersweet tears. I will treasure them forever.
27 May 03
Linds,
Hey there Rupp. How's things goin' for ya? By the time you get this you should be close to your second week, or now that I actually think about it well into your second week. These long weekends with Gin are confusing me. It is Tuesday, not Friday. So anyway the long weekend with Gin went exceptionally well. She met (and survived) most of my family. Even my crazy mother. Funny story. When I took her home the first thing two of her roommates asked was, "Where is the ring??" She laughed. In all truth we did talk about that on the ride back. We both agree that rushing that is a really dumb thing to do and we will just focus on being together, for the time being and make that decision further down the road. So we have had, "the talk." To be honest Linds, I do think this will go somewhere but not in any kind of hurry. Definitely not before the end of the year. That, for now, is pretty certain. So anyway, that's the latest on that. So hows the MTC treating ya? It's cool, but getting out in the field is way better. You will know what I mean soon. Anyway, Linds, I have to catch up for five days of playing with Gin. Write back.
With love, you friend, (Ben's signature) Romans 1:16
Written on the other side...
2 June 03
Okay so I wrote this & didn't send it, so you get some extra letter on the back. My sister needed me to take her to Yellowstone to work for the summer and as you can imagine I picked Gin up on the way and we spent the night in a cabin in Gardiner, Montana. Linds, I really do love this girl. I told her that, and she feels the same. We still aren't rushing towards the big M, but I think this may be headed in that direction sooner than I thought. I just don't feel right when I'm not with her. Oh well. I guess you don't need to hear this sappy stuff, so I will cut this short.
Love ya lots. (Ben's signature)
I love everything about them. His adorable trademark chicken-scratch handwriting... His uncharacteristically bad grammar and run-on sentences.... As I read the letters, I could literally see his excitement and exuberance. He was always so eager to tell people about me and about us; like I was his greatest treasure. He adored me completely.
