Part of My Process

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.

Peter Ustinov


As I've mentioned before, there have been so many difficult emotions to deal with.
A little more than a month ago, I found myself angry with Ben.
I have never been angry at him for the plane crash.
I know that he did absolutely everything right in the situation.

But I've been angry at him nonetheless.
Angry for every time I didn't feel like a priority.
Angry at the ways he may have procrastinated, or wasted time.

Simply put, time is not something we were given enough of.
We expected our life together to be like so many others...longer.

I was left with unresolved feelings, and without him to help me resolve them.
Sure, I could go talk to someone about it.
But that "someone" would not be Ben.
~
About three weeks ago, I made the decision to forgive him.
I wasn't going to carry these resentful feelings another day.
Whenever I reflect on our marriage, there is far more good than bad.
Why should I let anything overshadow all the joy we experienced together?

And then something amazing happened.
During that same tear-filled night, a clear thought resonated deep within me.
You have done the same to him.
There were times when I neglected to make Ben feel like a priority.
I also squandered some of this time we were given.
If he were put on my side of this tragedy, he could so easily be angry with me for all the same reasons.

For so many, it is part of the human condition; to think that tomorrow is guaranteed.
This experience has taught us both, that it is not.
I will not let the mistakes either of us made in the past hold me back any longer.

I will remember only the good.
I will leave out all the rest.

Resolve

I used to like the concept of making new year's resolutions.
I'd make a list of things to improve upon, and usually follow through with each goal for the duration of the year.

My resolutions for 2009 were...

• Lose the last of the baby weight (11 lbs)
  
• Get super buff with Yoga & Pilates
• Floss daily
• Save money (I.E. cut the grocery bill in at least half)
• Try at least one new recipe each week
  
• Potty train Jocelyn by October
  
• Pay off credit cards & work toward being debt free

For the record, I was able to keep most of these resolutions for nearly the duration of the year. Get super buff and floss daily hit a speed bump when the girls and I went to Boston over the summer. All other goals were accomplished.

Then everything fell apart on 21 October 2009. Everything.
My whole world.
Suddenly this list along with so many other things, meant nothing.
.
.
.

In the light of my new circumstances, I can't help but roll my eyes when someone says they want to lose a definitive amount of weight, or cut out some specific food, or get super buff. Because really, none of that matters.

I've felt differently this year. But only because I am different this year. I couldn't bring myself to compile a new list of changes to make. This is mainly because I still can't wrap my mind around the truth... The three of us will be without Ben this year, and so many years to come.

But a thought occurred to me yesterday...
In a sense, I have already resolved to be better.
My resolutions happened almost subconsciously, and at a different time.
These goals were not made on the 1st of January at 12:00 am, but instead on 21 Oct 2009 at 6:15 pm.

These are not changes for a new year, but decisions made for the remainder of my life....

1. I will value and appreciate the people in my life. Never again will I take someone for granted.

2. Never again will I make a fitness or weight loss goal based upon the number on a scale or the size marked in my jeans. If I do make a goal of this nature, it will be solely for the health of my body and spirit.

3. Each day I will resolve to do better than the day before.

Little Details

(Disclaimer: We had made a pact not to share this picture with anyone. But the memory of how hard we were laughing in it, makes it too good to keep to myself.)

Ever since everything happened, I've been so afraid that I'll forget something. The problem with that now, is that Ben won't be here to remind me. Of the two of us, I did have the better memory, so nothing can be left out!

After my previous post, I was able to talk to a few different people who reminded me of things I left out; just little details that probably only mean something to me.

On the night we met...

• Ben was wearing a white, short sleeved, collared dress shirt, untucked with the top button undone & black dress pants. (The solid red tie he wore that evening was on his bed when we walked into the room.)
• I was wearing a beige hooded sweater, a burgundy tank top & Abercrombie jeans. Over this past summer I was cleaning out my closet and found the pieces to this outfit. Ben felt nostalgic & wouldn't let me throw any of them away.
• He had told our friend Lindsay that when I got out of the car, he thought to himself, "I hope THAT one is Ginny."
• And no matter what Marci tells anyone, or how she may think she remembers things; Ben and I did not kiss that night! We didn't even hold hands. We may have wanted to, but we definitely didn't. (The first kiss happened during the last weekend in April, after I had been a bride's maid in Val's wedding.)

And now I shall never forget!

*Marci's Two Cents*
I completely forgot about this, but apparently I would skip classes periodically to call him back....before we ever met in person!! It's not something I did everyday, but I probably did it more often than I should have. I did recognize that it was pretty lame. But Marci knew we would get married all along.
(Read the first comment on this post for her exact words!)

It's a Love Story

Ben loved to tell this story, and in some ways he may have told it better. But since I'm telling it from my perspective, you'll get the long version!

Seven years ago, I met my best friend...

In January, 2003 I moved back out to Idaho (from Boston) for another semester of school at BYU-I (Yes, I went there. Let's not dwell on it...).

Ben was living and going to school in Orem, Utah; a mere 4 hour drive away.

That semester, I had a roommate, Polly. She seemed to know everybody. Eventually she did set me up with a random guy. Over the course of the month, we went on a few dates; nothing special. Soon thereafter, I found out what a jerk he could be. (In retrospect, it really wasn't a big deal. But, whatever.)

At the time, it seemed to be like a big enough ordeal to be angry over.
I came home one night and started venting.
I swore off dating any guy from Idaho ever again.
Polly was in her room talking to someone on the apartment phone.
She handed me the phone and said, "Here, talk to my friend, Ben about it. He's good with advice."

At first I thought it was a little weird. She assured me that he was nice, and walked off. Being the emotional girl that I was, I impulsively took the phone and started talking. We introduced ourselves, and I went into my three week saga of heartache. (So silly now! I could cringe.)

Ben listened patiently, and also told me about a recent breakup of his. This first conversation in January, lasted for over an hour. I found him so easy to talk to. He seemed witty and confident. I felt like he genuinely cared. Oh, and did I mention, he had a really cute phone voice? There was just something about the sound of his voice that I was drawn to.

Two days later he called, and asked for me. He wanted to see how I was doing. By that point I was completely over...what's his name? I didn't think Ben and I would have anything more to talk about. But that second conversation lasted for over two hours.

Each time he called there was never an awkward pause or dead air. Within two weeks he asked for my cellphone number, so that he didn't have to be bothered with calling the apartment phone. We would talk almost every other day. He would tell me all about each of his siblings, his sister who was soon getting married, his friends, what his future plans were etc... And I felt like I could talk to him about anything without judgment.
The best part: He made me laugh during each call.

My roommate, Marci would often joke that Ben and I would definitely get married. But it wasn't a thought that we could really entertain. After all, I didn't even know what he looked like, and chances of us ever meeting in person were slim. One Sunday while we were bored in church (a common occurrence) , she paired our first names with different guys' last names. She then informed me that Ginny Hill fit best.

I remember telling her, "I'm not saying that I want to marry Ben. But I do hope that I can talk to my husband as easily as I can talk to Ben."

The first weekend in April was Spring Break. Marci was going to Salem, UT to visit her cousin. She told me that Salem is close to Orem. We could meet Ben, and if nothing else, be able to put a face to a name. In the beginning of the semester she had talked to him a few times, too.

When Ben called that day, I told him about going to Salem for Spring Break. He immediately purposed a plan to meet up that Friday evening, after his sister's wedding reception.

I remember that night so clearly...
Marci and I went to Blockbuster with her cousin and rented Maid in Manhattan starring Jennifer Lopez... We had completely forgot about Ben, until he called. We agreed on meeting at his apartment complex. On the drive over we told Marci's cousin and her roommate the story behind it. We were both starting to get nervous, and felt somewhat foolish.

Why were we going out of our way to meet this random guy who we met on the phone?
What if he was crazy?
What if he was dangerous?
What if he was ugly??
(I had been told that he was tall, thin, had dark hair, and wore glasses. Really, that could mean anything!)

I called him as we pulled up to the complex ("The Pinnacle"). We saw him almost immediately walking and talking to us on his phone.

I remember getting out of the car and saying, "Hi, Ben?!"
And Ben walked right up to me and gave me a side hug.

(Whenever he would tell the story, he would explain how he fell in love with my smile. But for me, it was his approach. There was absolutely no hesitation. It felt so genuine and natural. That, and he was ridiculously good looking...)

We all talked in his room for maybe a half hour, before everyone else wanted to go. On the drive back to Salem he sent me this text, "You're gone. I'm bored now."

When I read it to Marci she told me, "I know you like him. And he definitely likes you. He can come watch the movie with us...if he wants..."

So, I called Ben and offered...
Me: "Hi, Ben. We're just going back to Marci's cousin's house to watch a movie we rented. You can watch it with us if you want. I know it's pretty far, but that's all we're doing tonight..."
Ben: "Really? What movie?"
Me: "Uhh... "Maid in Manhattan." That one with Jennifer Lopez..."
Ben: "Hmm... Okay! I just have to put some pants on."
Me: "You're not wearing pants??"
Ben: "No. I was. But I took them off. I'll be right over. I'll call for the address when I get close."

Me: Oh my gosh, Marci! He wants to watch the movie with us... He's coming. Guys, he's coming to watch Jennifer Lopez!"
Marci: "Yeah, he likes you a lot."

And so we watched Maid in Manhattan...

When the movie was over, everyone else was asleep. Ben and I chatted for maybe 10 more minutes. I remember him complementing me on how soft my hands looked... I walked him to the door. He gave me another side hug, and told me that he was really happy that he got to meet me.

And that is how I met my best friend...

Keeping Perspective

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Antoine de Saint

An eternal perspective is amongst the few things that brings me peace. Yet at times it seems impossible to keep this mindset, when I have to also focus on here and now.
In a sense, I envy Ben.
He is able to see things so much more clearly than I can.

While I don't have his perfect knowledge of things, I am grateful for the perspective these recent events have given me. Aspects of my life now make perfect sense; whereas before there was room for doubt. I feel continually enlightened in small ways on a daily basis.

The love Ben and I have will never fade or diminish.
We are eternally linked.

For now, there is so much room for growth in this mess. It's not what I've wanted, but I will find the good. I will take what I've learned, and build upon it.

And when all is said and done, I will look back at the tapestry of my life.
I will see the perfect picture.
I will understand, perfectly.